Chapter 19
Self Preservation left Anxiety, with the feeling of tension between them lessened, but still there. His goal had been to get rid of the tension. Maybe he would have to have a sit down with Morality. Morality was Thomas's feelings, maybe calming the tension between himself and the bubbly Side would help lessen it. He was just about to make his way back downstairs when Creativity's Room opened, and Creativity himself stepped out, only to halt at the sight of him. He and Creativity had a minute staring contest before Creativity, backed himself back in to his room, closing the door as he went. Self Preservation blinked. Maybe his talk with Morality would have to wait. It seemed Creativity required his attention. It was not right for Creativity to be the first to retreat.
"Creativity?" He called, as he knocked on the Creative Sides door. There wasn't any answer. That wouldn't do. He couldn't leave Creativity. He wanted to help. He wanted to fix what was wrong. The slight aching in his chest worsened a bit, to the point it took his breath away, making it where he gripped his shirt right above his half Core. A bright light flashed there, the ache lessening slightly when it vanished, and revealing a master key in his hand. "Huh." He hummed, as took a calming breath returning to his neutral state, as he placed the key in the keyhole. He only paused for a second to consider, how Creativity would react to such an intrusion. He did not want to be rude. But the need to fix everything. The 'want' to help. He couldn't ignore it. So as an added courtesy he decided to let Creativity aware of his intrusion into his space. "I am coming in Creativity." He announced before hi turn the key to open the door. As soon as the lock clicked open, the key vanished.
Creativity's room was spacious and was as loud as the Creative Side's personality. A second door was in the room, just like Intrusive Thoughts. This door led to the Imagination, and it was slightly opened. Mean Creativity, had ran through it to get away.
Something in Self Preservation bristled a bit at the thought of everyone avoiding him. Tiptoeing around him. It contradicted his presence. The ache in his chest grew again, and so he took a silent breath to keep himself calm. His eyes jumping around the room until they landed on a broken mirror hanging on the wall, with silent whispers echoing from it. Curious and feeling pulled to the possible source of Creativity's strange behavior Self Preservation picked up a broken shard and held it to his ear.
~ Stupid Prince!~
~ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!~
~You are the villain of this story.~
~You have destroyed him!~
~You're the monster.~
~Worse than your brother.~
~You're no hero!~
Self Preservation hummed, as he pulled the piece away from his ear and tilted his head in thought. An Enchanted mirror, that pointed blame. Apparently blame Creativity definitely believed. It wasn't Self Preservation's job to tell Creativity if he was at fault or not. It was his job to make sure Creativity function right. To keep his spirits and motivation up. The mirror would have to go. Meaning Creativity would need to deconstruct it. Letting the piece of broken glass fall back onto the floor, Self Preservation turned to the Creative sides desk. It was littered with art work and scripts, and a lot of balled up paper that just littered the work area. Underneath it all the balled up paper and artwork was a journal, flipped open and revealing its pages. He let his eyes move along the words reading them silently. Digesting every private word written in its pages.
"Hey!" Creativity's voice shouted, as a hand came into his sight and quickly closing the book. "That's private." He said looking upset, and avoiding Self Preservation's eyes.
"You left it open." Self Preservation stated.
Creativity sputtered a bit. "Yeah, this is my room. How did you get in anyway?" He asked, trying to change topics.
"I got a key." Self Preservation answered, blankly.
Creativity, looked doubtful. "There shouldn't be a key. Where is it then?" He asked.
"It vanished. I could try to re-summon it if you like?" He offered, with a tilt of his head. Already attempting to make the key reappear, but all he got for the slight effort was the ache in his chest flaring up and getting increasingly tired all of a sudden; of course his outward appearance stayed as neutral as ever. The only sign of expression was him blinking when no key appeared.
"No. No, its-" Creativity took a calming breath. "Its okay Janus. I believe you." He reassured. "Just don't read my diary. That's private, okay." Roman sighed, and took another deep breath. "Is there something you wanted?" Creativity asked, putting on a smile.
Self Preservation hated that smile. It wasn't real. "You are not happy." Was the statement.
"Wh-what?! I'm happy." Creativity tried to reassured, putting on a more convincing smile.
Self Preservation blinked, but otherwise didn't say anything.
Creativity was still refusing to meet his eyes, and soon after a few minutes of Creativity was the first to break the silence. "Look. Remus isn't going to like you in here. Let me escort you back to him." Creativity offered, reaching out to gently take Self Preservation by the arm and lead him back to Intrusive Thoughts.
Self Preservation moved away shaking his head. "Intrusive Thoughts is resting. You require my attention." He countered, blankly.
"No I don't." Creativity denied.
"You need my assistance." Self Preservation rephrased.
"I don't deserve it. Look, Janus, you're safer with Remus. You can wait until he wakes up." Creativity tried again.
Self Preservation tilted his head to the side slightly. "You don't deserve my help? It is my job to help." He inquired.
Creativity seemed to go pale at his words. "I don't need help. I meant I don't need help." He corrected.
Self Preservation hummed and walked back tot he broken mirror and picked up a piece again, then held the piece up to Creativity's face.
~ You don't deserve his help!~
~You're a monster, what makes you think you're worthy~
~Worse than your brother.~
~He's safer with Remus, than with you. You shouldn't protect anyone.~
Creativity snatched the mirror piece from Self Preservation. "I meant to fix that." He mumbled.
Self Preservation hummed again. "You should get rid of it." He suggested.
And was a bit confused with the look Creativity was giving him.
"It is not mentally healthy to bully yourself. It is also not good for you to put yourself down. You are Creativity. You are brave. You are strong. And you are heroic." He stated bluntly.
Roman gulped down the surge of emotions that wanted to swarm him. How could this Janus want to help him. After all he'd done, Janus still called him heroic. He didn't deserve that titled anymore. He wasn't heroic. He was a bully, plain and simple. "No. I'm not." He shook his head. "I'm not a hero. I didn't this to you." He said, almost pleadingly, for Self Preservation to agree, because it hurt too much seeing this Janus so, so, blank yet also so helpful. Something that Janus had always been now that he thought about it. Roman blinked his eyes and rubbed at them, letting his gaze fall tot he floor in shame. How could he have ever painted him as a villain?
"You're more cry baby, than Prince at the moment, that'sss for sssure."
Roman lifted his head so fast he heard it pop at the speed. Being so wrapped up in his thoughts, he was sure he heard wrong. Self Preservation stood before him. Staring blankly and no sign that such a tone had left him. "What?" He asked. He needed to be sure.
Self Preservation, turned his gaze to the broken mirror, no longer focusing on Creativity. "Get rid of the mirror. It is wrong. You are Creativity. You are also the Ego. It is not healthy for you to let yourself be degraded. It is hurtful."
Roman sighed deeply and waved his hand, wiping the broken mirror out of existence, even the piece in Self Preservation's hand. "There." He said. "Its gone."
Self Preservation decided that this was a good first step. "Thank you, Creativity. Might I ask, why you seemed to be scared of me?" He asked.
Roman paled. "I'm not scared of you. I-I'm...." He couldn't even find the words. What could he say? Sorry was just too small of a word.
Self Preservation hummed. "That is okay, Creativity. I will try to be better for you. I hope we can still work peacefully together." He finally said, hoping to sooth anything else that could be bothering the Creative Side. "maybe we can journey together and you show me around the Imagination someday." He suggested.
Roman snapped out of the daze he was in. "Uh, yeah, yeah. We can do that." He nodded.
Self Preservation nodded his head once in return and turned to leave.
Roman waited a few slow minutes when Self Preservation left before, making a move to leave his room and hurriedly over to Virgil's. He knocked on the door rapidly, until the Emo opened the door. "Self Preservation left your room, before he came to mine. I need to know. Did something weird happen when he was here."
Virgil who was listening as Roman words spilled from his mouth, eyes widened. "Holy shit!" He blurted. "Yeah, I thought he said, something, but I couldn't be sure."
"Like Selfishness!" Roman nodded.
"What are you two discussing?" Logan asked coming up the stairs.
"Logan!" Virgil and Roman both grabbed the Logical Side and pulled him into there huddle.
(Down Stairs)
Self Preservation left Creativity's room, feeling like he at least had set the stepping stones in helping Creativity, the rest would take time. Logic and Morality were still downstairs, but Logic seemed to be on his way upstairs, at which he patiently waited for Self Preservation to pass before going up. Which left Self Preservation alone downstairs with Morality.
Morality who was still in the kitchen, baking. Stress baking. The Half Side quietly watched, a few moments before walking into the kitchen to get a closer look at the many bake goods that Moral Side had baked. The pastries lined up was muffins, cupcakes, cookies, and some mini cakes. Morality only baked like this when he was upset. And when Morality was upset, then Thomas was upset, which meant that Virgil was also upset. And that could lead to Creativity, to be in low spirits, and silence Logical thinking, which then would Lead to Intrusive Thoughts working overtime.
Self Preservation let his hand hover over his own chest where his half core sat, and the broken half, letting himself mentally analyze the growing ache there. He had thought it gone at one point but it seemed that the more he worked the more he ached. And nothing seemed to get fixed, no matter how hard he was trying. But if he could help Morality, then it might be easier.
"OH! Kiddo!" Morality greeted, turning around and suddenly seeing the Half Side. "I didn't see you there."
Self Preservation lowered his hand. "Hello Morality." He greeted, before letting his eyes fall back tot he many treats on the counter.
"You want one?" Morality smiled. And there it was. The smile that didn't belong on Morality. The fake one. The one that was meant to cover up that something was wrong. Just like the desserts he baked.
"No, thank you." Self Preservation answered.
"Oh, well, then any special requests then. I'm in a baking mood." Morality offered.
Self Preservation eyed the pastries some more. "No thank you, Morality." He said, watching as the fake smile faltered a bit.
Patton fought back a frown. He didn't know what to do. How could he make this half of Janus feel welcomed and loved, without hurting Self Preservation's feelings at the fact that it hurt to even look at him. Patton felt like a such a bad Dad at the moment. He hurt one of his kiddos. He watch as Self Preservation's eyes moved slowly across the many treats he had baked, and yet there wasn't a glimmer of want or happiness in those eyes. They stayed blank. He ruined Janus. "Do – Do you want to help me bake?" He asked.
Self Preservation's gaze lifted to meet his then, and it hurt Patton to see nothing. No happiness. No mischievous glint. Nothing. "You that make you happy?" Self Preservation asked.
Patton bit back a sad whimper that threaten to take him over and let himself cry. It just hurt. It was wrong. What had they done? They ruined him. He ruined him. He was the worst parent ever. "Let's do something that make you feel good, kiddo." He suggested, putting down his mixing bowl and spoon.
Self Preservation's head tilted. "What ever will make you happy, Morality."
Patton froze at the answer. "Sure you want to do something?" He insisted.
"My job. You are sad and hiding it. That is not good." Self Preservation answered bluntly.
"Whaaa?! What are you talking about. I'm Morality, of course I'm happy." Patton said with a wide smile. He couldn't weigh down Janus when he was in this state. He'd done enough as it is.
Self Preservation blinked. "You must express what is bothering you. I am here to help that happen."
Patton sighed and looked away, Self Preservation seemed to be not easily tricked, and seemed to rival Logan in the sense of duty. "You don't need to worry about that."
"I do. You hiding what you are feeling will affect Thomas, and I cannot allow that. Morality you must express yourself. You are sad. Everyone is on edge. And to get everyone to step in the right direction in keeping Thomas in a healthy mentally and physically, you must stop hiding what you are feelings. If you do not wish to open up to me, may I suggest one of the others?" Self Preservation offered, body turning halfway to the stairs as if he was seconds away of leaving.
"No! I mean that's not necessary Janus." He gave a reassuring small smile.
"Nonsense, if I am the source of you discomfort, it would be more helpful for someone to come and discuss certain feelings." Self Preservation said, not straying with what he had come to do.
"Its not you! Its me!" Patton blurted, unable to let Self Preservation believe he was the problem. Janus wasn't the problem. "I caused you to do this to yourself. I hurt you." He cried, reaching out and pulling Self Preservation close into a tight hug. He owed Janus so many hugs. He didn't ever want to let him go. But it hurt a little when Self Preservation did not return the hug. Sniffling, Patton finally pulled away and blinked the tears out of his eyes, and met Self Preservation eyes. Only to meet two yellow slitted snake-eyes, it was such a shock it caused him to gasp out in shock and he had to blink the watery tears away to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Once his vision cleared he met Self Preservation gaze again. His eyes meeting the two blank brown eyes of Self Preservation.
"Oh good, your still here." Logan's voice said, as the Logical Side came down the stairs with Roman and Virgil following. The two staying further in the back as the Logan approached Patton and Self Preservation.
"Hello Logic." Self Preservation greeted.
"Janus, I realize that this might be an odd question, but were you able to sustain your ability to shapeshift, after the events in the Dark Side?" Logan asked.
Patton looked from Logan to Roman and Virgil who had not entered the kitchen but were watching and listening intently from their place on the couch, where they were fully facing the kitchen.
Self Preservation turned so he was facing Logan. "I do not know." He answered.
"So you could shapeshift and not realize you are doing it?" Logan hedged.
"I could?" Self Preservation tilted his head.
"Logan what are you getting at?" Patton asked. Trying to catch up with the others in the room and maybe help himself and Preservation to understand where this line of questioning was going.
"I am saying that maybe Janus has shapeshifted and just doesn't realize it, due to his injuries." Logan explained.
Self Preservation tilted his head to the other side, face unchanging in its resting position, but otherwise did not say anything.
"You know shapeshifting?" Roman spoke up. "Like this." He snapped his fingers and in his place next to Virgil stood Joan.
Self Preservation blinked.
"Yeah, only you shapeshift into one of us." Virgil added, snapping his fingers, and Roman changed back from being Joan to himself again.
"Why?" Self Preservation asked, simply.
"I believe you might be stuck in a shapeshift. Can you try and shift where you were once cover halfway in scales?" Logan explained.
Self Preservation hummed. They wanted him to change. He didn't think he could. That was not something he would need to do his job. But if it would ease their fear that maybe he was tricking them, he supposed he could try and test Logic's theory and prove it wrong. So, he focused hard on the an image in his head and at what Logic had described. He felt the ache in his core flare like fire, and a wash of exhaustion that was taking him over as he tried to change his form. Trying to change seemed to pull so much energy, he wasn't meant to change his form.
Everyone around Self Preservation watched intently and as they watched a bright light began to glow where Self Preservation's Core was exposed. The Half Sides form wavered slightly and then in the silence the glow vanished at the same time there was a loud crack. Virgil and Patton were the first to run to the Half Side at the sound.
"Shit what was that?!" Virgil shouted.
"Are you alright?! What hurts?" Patton shouted at the same time.
Logan was nearby looking ready to intervene as well. "Are you alright?"
Self Preservation closed his eyes and took a breath. "I am okay." He answered, a hand coming up to grip his shirt where his half core rested exposed in his chest. He could not afford to cause even more discomfort, so he kept it to himself that by trying to change his form had just caused more damage to his Core. That he had just tried to do something he wasn't meant to do.
"Janus." The others jumped at the sound Remus's voice at the stairs. The Intrusive Side giving them all look that promised pain, before softening a bit when his eyes landed on Self Preservation. "What are you all doing to him?" He accused.
"Nothing!" Roman answered quickly.
"The suggested that I try and change my shape. But I do not believe I am capable of such a task. Trying so, has done something to my core. I must return to my room. All is well." Self Preservation answered, at the same time.
Remus marched himself into Self Preservation's space, before the half Side was done talking, and pulling the Half Sides shirt open and looking at the half core and growled when he saw a few new cracks in the half core. Self Preservation stayed still and let Remus fix his shirt once satisfied with his observation of his exposed core. "You tried to force him to shift." Remus accused with a growl, pushing Virgil and Patton away, making it so Self Preservation was safely behind him.
"We didn't force him to do anything. We asked and he agreed." Logan quickly said, trying to avoid angering the Duke further.
"They did not force me." Self Preservation agreed. He did not want them to all fight. He wouldn't be able to break them up if they did. He was too sore and tired. He barely noticed that he was beginning to lean on the Intrusive Side back for a support.
"You are not in any damn condition to be making decisions. You're only half here." Remus shushed, moving so that he could better support Self Preservation who seemed to be swaying on his feet. "Let's go." He said, quickly sinking out and taking Self Preservation with him.
Everyone held their breath. Remus's overwhelming presence still lingering. It wasn't long that before he popped back into the kitchen with them again. "What the fuck were you thinking?! His CORE is DAMAGED! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM!" He shouted, sharp teeth bared, seeming to get sharp as his temper started rising.
"We weren't trying to hurt him!" Roman shook his head. "Its just we thought we saw him glitch a his shape and so maybe he was just stuck in shift and if we could get him to shift back, he woud return to his normal slippery Deceitful self again....." Roman's words tapered off, the longer he kept talking and keeping eye contact with Remus, who was radiating murder.
Remus had a very sharp and wide grin on his face, that did not match his murderous look in his eyes. "Stay away. From my Snake. Or I'll disembowel you." He warned, before leaving again.
(Self Preservation)
Stood in the hall way between his and Intrusive Thoughts doors, leaning heavily on the green door, waiting patiently for Intrusive Side to return. He didn't have to wait long.
"Fuck! I thought you said you wouldn't leave me again." Intrusive Side grouched as he reappeared.
"I had a job to do." Self Preservation replied.
"I don't care. You are not 'you', therefore you cannot be left alone. Especially with them." Intrusive Thought growled out.
"I cannot not do my job. I would be insignificant then. I still need to fix what is broken." Self Preservation said.
"What's broken is your Core." Intrusive Thoughts spat. "You shouldn't be working."
Self Preservation blinked, eyes going to where his half core rested. It really hurt. Especially after he tried to shift. He had a feeling that Intrusive Thoughts had a point, but he couldn't ignore the want to help and fix things. He was Self Preservation and he had to get everyone working in harmony. He couldn't let up on trying to protecting Thomas's 'self'. That meant all the Sides. Intrusive Thoughts was worried, but Self Preservation was confident that he could perceive what he should and should not do. However, he was not going to stop Intrusive Thoughts from voicing his worry.
Intrusive Thoughts harsh attitude soon melted away again, when he let out a deep exhale of breath. "You need to back into the dark abyss, don't you." He said, giving Self Preservation a look that the Half Side was having trouble recognizing.
"Yes."
Intrusive Thoughts nodded, almost defeated. "Promise to find me when you come out?" He asked.
"If that is what you want." Self Preservation nodded, once.
"It is." Intrusive Thoughts answered, not taking his eyes off the Half Side.
"Okay." Self Preservation Promised, before turning to his pale yellow door that opened up for him. As soon as the Half Side walked into his room, he was immediately welcomed by the comforting warmth that encased the room. It didn't take him long to drop onto his bed and fall fast asleep, as the pain that had been growing in his broken core began to vanish.
TBC
A/N: So, Self Preservation cannot shapeshift. Wander what else has changed? I'll try not to make you all wait too long for the next chapter. I hope you liked this chapter. Let me know what you all thought I like hearing what you all have to say.