Chapter 17
Self Preservation found himself standing in front of Anxiety's door. He was trying to come to decide how was best to approach Anxiety. Change could badly effect the Anxious Side and Self Preservation wasn't unaware that he, himself was new. He would have to be cautious. Everything was just so much like this. And the longer he was here the more the urge to fix what was wrong, grew. If he could calm Anxiety maybe the urge would lessen some. "Anxiety. May I enter?" He said as he knocked on the door.
It took a few minutes, but the door opened revealing a red puffy eyed Anxiety, whose eyes widen at the sight of Self Preservation. The door opened wider and as he looked up and down the hallway. "Where's Remus?" He asked, a slight tremor in his voice.
"Intrusive Thoughts and Creativity are taking the time to sort out their emotions at the moment. I have come to help you." Self Preservation informed. "May I enter?"
Anxiety did not move to let him in. So Self Preservation, assumed that their talk could be done in the hallway. "Help?" Anxiety parroted.
Self Preservation nodded. "I know change does not affect you well. I cam e to see if there is any way I could help lessen this sudden change. There has been a large amount of discomfort as of lately. For us to make sure Thomas stay within a health emotional state, the two of us most get along. Or else we will fail in our job."
Anxiety seemed to pause. "Lessen the change? Janus this isn't just some change. You have a damaged core. You tried to leave us! And then- and then you think that this is okay?!"
Self Preservation held up a calming hand. "I did not say that this was okay. But there is no way to fix it at the moment. So, we must all make do. My priority has always been the same whole or not. Thomas. Just like yours. I know everyone is not happy, but to change it, you and I must come to a middle ground. We must work together."
Virgil blinked, and lift a hand to cover the lower half of his face. Janus was checking up on him?! Janus could feel when there was something wrong?! Could feel when Virgil was upset! He always thought it was just the Deceitful Side coming to rub the present problem in his face. To taunt him. Could Deceit really just have been coming to check in on him? On all of them? Covered up by snarky and sassy remarks. Virgil felt his breath leave him. Every time he doubted and blamed the Deceitful Side for making things worse and causing the problem and Janus had been trying to help! "I'm sorry...." He gasped out, crossing his arms in an attempt of a self hug as he stared pleadingly at the scaleless Janus before him. "I've been so horrible to you. If it wasn't for me-"
"I would never know when Thomas and the others were in need of my assistance." Self Preservation finished, not letting Anxiety finish his claim.
Virgil stared at the Half Side unable to make words for a few breathy seconds. "You should hate me." He stated.
"That would be counter productive." Self Preservation countered, blankly with a tilt of his head. "I may not be who you want, but I hope that after this talk you will at least be at ease with my existence." He watched as Anxiety's shoulders lost the stiff hunch position they were in. It wasn't much, but it was progress. However it did surprise him when Anxiety was the one to initiate a hug by practically lunging at him; even though Self Preservation did not react to it.
"I'm gonna be a better friend." Virgil promised. Silently vowing to make up for all the mistakes he had done. If they couldn't get Janus back; fully, he was going to make sure that nothing happened to this one.
"If that is what you want." Self Preservation replied, barely blinking at the heartfelt promise from the Anxious Side.
And Virgil bit his lip. Because Janus if he was whole, would have said, something entirely different. He would have made a sassy joke about Virgil letting his walls down and how the Light Sides had tamed him or something. He never thought he would miss Deceit pressing his button just the right way to get under his skin. "Yeah." He mumbled, stepping back almost shyly giving the Half Side his space back. "I'ma- I'm gonna go lay down." He mumbled softly, going back in to his room and closing his door.
Self Preservation nodded as he watch Anxiety retreat back into his room. He looked less stress and that was good. But there still that need to fix something. And it was just confusing that he couldn't pinpoint what exactly ti was he was suppose to fix. Creativity and Intrusive Thoughts were in the Imagination working on things. He just talked with Anxiety and he seemed okay now. Morality seemed okay, besides a maybe a bit upset after adventuring in the Dark Side, but that was something that would vanish on its own. Logic, didn't seem to be too affected, yeah he too was tense like the others. But he had noticed the Logic was already working through whatever was bothering him. He would go and check in on the two, but it seemed that his presence just made things worse. And everyone seemed to be on the brink of an emotional breakdown when they looked at him.
Humming in thought he decided that he needed to go to his room. He would be able to rest and come up with a better self care plan for everyone. When he moved to his door, he watched as it opened up for him, as if it knew he was coming. He honestly didn't understand every ones fear of his room. It was a normal room, maybe a little bare at the moment, but it was new, so he would have to decorate later and pick up the toy the others had thrown in his room. His chested ached at the sight of the inside of his room. Like all Sides, to get proper rest, they needed their own space. He was about to take a step in when a hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Remus would not forgive any of us, if you went in there." Logic's voice said.
Self Preservation looked at Logic, with blank eyes. "It is my room." He stated, blankly.
Logan looked into the room at the statement, it had not changed since this morning. It was still nothing but a dark abyss, into nothingness. "Be that as it may, I believe you coming with me is more important. I have a theory and would like to test it if you are willing?" He said, hoping to distract the Half Side from wanting to walk into the dark abyss.
Self Preservation nodded, willing to go with Logic. He wanted to see how the Logical Side was really doing. After all the Side wasn't much for emotion, but his action spoke volumes and would help him gauge how well Logic was accepting the change.
Logan was quick to lead the Half Side to Thomas. Patton was already there, just keeping him company when the two arrived. "You found him." He said, the sad look in his eyes returning at full force. Logan said nothing just nodded.
"You require my assistance, for a test." Self Preservation reminded, locking eyes with Thomas.
Logic seemed to snap out of the quiet spell that had befell him at the reminder. "I would like you to show us your core. I know that it is a sensitive request but, we wouldn't be here if not for Thomas."
Self Preservation hummed and tilted his head slightly. "You believe he can repair my core." He stated. And watched as Logic nodded, and though it was only slight, he noticed Logic was nodding a little more vigorously than what was normal. He also caught the hopeful look in both Morality and Thomas's eyes. Even Logic's eyes held a hopeful look. "If you insist." He said and pushed his capulette back as he began unbuttoning his shirt, exposing his chest. Exposing the hole in his chest with his half core exposed within. Remus's necklace hanging close to it.
"Its still visible. You did not reform with it hidden within. I thought as much." Logan hummed in thought.
"Is that bad?" Patton asked wringing his hands together nervously.
"Isn't that dangerous for you all?" Thomas asked, looking between the three Sides.
"Very. A damaged and exposed core is something that must be avoided. However, a damaged Core can be healed." Logan nodded. His eyes coming to meet Self Preservation who was standing there and while Logan wasn't one for emotion, he found it uncomfortable that Janus was almost robotic in his reaction and emotions. "I believe Thomas may be able to fix your Core. Are you willing to let us try?" He asked.
The Half Side nodded, his eyes never really leaving Thomas.
"I see Remus has found a way to store the rest of your Core. Smart to keep them close. It may even make this easier." Logan continued, moving to the side as Thomas stepped forward.
"So I just- Do I -" He stammered, hands fluttering around as he tried to overcome the uneasiness in his chest at the thought of putting his hands on Janus's Core; on his heart, his very being. One screw up and he could really hurt the hurt Deceitful Side.
Self Preservation reach one hand forward to capture one of Thomas's frantically moving ones and on contact silenced his stammering. Self Preservation would not let Thomas be scared of himself. He also knew that Thomas wanted to help and while he himself didn't know if this would help, he would not stop Thomas from wanting to try. So he moved Thomas's hand and placed it on his Core, keeping eye contact the whole time. "You want to help. I will let you." He stated, letting go of Thomas's hand, letting it rest right on his Core. The touch sent tingling sparks flying through his entire body.
It hurt.
It felt good.
It felt right.
It felt wrong.
It felt comforting.
It felt uncomfortable.
It felt scary.
It felt welcoming.
It confused him. He kept this sensation all to himself, so not to discourage Thomas.
That seemed to give everyone some pause, including Thomas. Logan was the one to recover first. "Okay, Thomas think about everything that make Janus, your Deceit. I believe if you can strongly connect with his function, than that should feed into his Core and bring it back together."
Self Preservation watch as Thomas closed his eyes tight, really trying to follow through Logan's instructions. And he did feel something. Morality's and Logic's presence disappeared, and only Thomas remained. And that's when he found it. The urge that was telling him to fix it. To fix what was broken. He was the broken one. He had to be fix. He could see it now. He could feel it. It hurt. It hurt so bad, it made his eyes burn, even though they felt dry.
He hurt so bad.
A pile of emotion that he never felt before flood him took his breath away. He had hurt the others. He was the problem. They had hurt him in turn. Thomas had dealt the most hurtful of blows. He wanted to runaway. He wanted to leave.
He wanted Remus. No he had hurt Remus, by being like this.
He wanted to go to his room. His room was safe. His room. He had to fix this.
Danger! Danger was near.
He had to leave. Had to get it away! Had to get away!
SMACK!!!!!
The sound of his hand slapping Thomas's away on instinct, had even himself shocked. But as soon as Thomas had removed his hand from his Core, all those feeling vanished again. But the information he gained from them did not. He felt his face relax back into its resting position again, as the feeling finally cleared his system. He looked down at this Core to see it still exposed and still only a cracked half. The shards of his other core half in the necklace that Intrusive Thoughts had made him. His body felt heavy after all that. Felt too big for him to carry. He would need to rest soon.
"I'm sorry! Did I hurt you! I didn't mean to hurt you!"
"Kiddo, its okay! We don't have to do this!" Morality and Thomas began to rambled over each other. They were not sure what prompted Self Preservation to smack Thomas's hand away. It was an unusual reaction from this half.
"I am fine." He comforted in a blank tone, the lie slipping from his tongue. But was he? He wasn't so sure anymore. But he didn't want them to know that their Self Preservation facet was unsure. He would hide this until he could fix it. He was broken. He felt hurt. He had to fix it.
Logic held up a calming hand for the other two. "I believe my hypothesis was wrong." He admitted, stiffly. "I had thought Thomas would be able to fix this himself, but obviously this is something much deeper than a quick fix." He explained, sounding stressed.
"You did very well." Self Preservation praised in his neutral tone, as he buttoned up his shirt.
"I failed!" Logic shouted a bit, before catching himself. "I made an oversight."
And that was right Logic didn't like being wrong. "You will get it next time" Morality spoke up.
And Self Preservation wasn't surprised to see the Logical Side sink out. "I will go with him." He stated. Because the urge to check on all of them was more strong than to leave them to suffer, He couldn't let them suffer. The urge to just let them know someone was there was more stronger, than to just go to his room. Morality would be more efficient in comforting Thomas. Morality for some reason while still upset seemed to be trying. Anxiety was at least willing. And Intrusive Thoughts while possessive was at least not showing the same reaction as the others. He had a thought that once he fixed everything Intrusive Thoughts would become more at ease.
He found Logic in his own room, the door only half opened. He knocked politely. "May I enter?" he requested.
"How did I not see it?" Logan said instead, asking his own question.
Self Preservation tilted his head. "I do not know. What didn't you see?"
Logan refused to look at him. "I had the most major oversight that its laughable that I am Thomas's Logical Side. "I claim to not let my emotions rule me and yet I let them get my hopes up. I thought I had found a way to fix-" He groaned in his hands frustrated.
Self Preservation hummed, in thought as he enter the Logical Sides room, looking at some post-it notes on a bulletin board. Logic liked notes and facts. Facts calmed the Logical Side down the best."I am above letting my emotions rule me.~" He read. "I am Logic. I am efficient and important.~ Thomas will get through his to-do list today~ I will push Thomas forward.~ I will be heard and seen~" He pulled the notes down as he read them. Some of these would need to disappear. New post-it notes needed to be made. Some that displayed a bit more confidence that befitted the Logical Side. Logic needed to focus on facts, and embrace what he was and that mistakes were okay.
"What are you- Stop reading those!" Logic snapped, eyes now focusing on Self Preservation.
"I can accomplish anything.~" Self Preservation finished, returning his attention to Logic the post-it notes held in his hand. "You are Logic." He stated. "You are every fact learned. You are curiosity." Logic was starting to give him a look. "You are rational thinking, and authority. Common sense. And yet you try to be something you are not. You may know a lot Logic. But can't know everything. You would be overwhelmed, more than what you are now. Learning is a trail and error path. As you grew this fact must have escape you. But as Self Preservation. I cannot allow Logic to believe that no one in this mind, doesn't value him." Self Preservation said calmly, face still blank as he began to rip the post-it notes up, and dropping them in the nearest mini trashcan. "Yes you failed. But you will try again. And by trail and error, you will learn that everyone sees you. Everyone hears you. And everyone cares."
Logan blinked, from his position sitting in his desk chair. "You just destroyed my notes." He stated.
Self Preservation nodded. "I did. And you will create new ones. Better ones. Because you are Logic. And Logic is knowledgeable. You will create something better."
Logan sat straight mouth gaped open as he watched Self Preservation leave, apparently done talking with him. It had always bothered him on how in the past Janus would destroy something he had written or planned out. It had upset him in the past when Janus would manipulate things to go his way and not Logan's. But now that he looked back on it. Every time something like that was done. Not only did it give the others a way to wind down, but also gave Logan some down time doing something he liked doing. Janus in the past knew how to push the others and Logan. Janus had been helping." Logan huffed to himself as he turned to face his desk with a pen in hand and small smile playing on his lips. When they got Janus back to himself, he would have to let the Deceitful Side know how much he appreciated his efforts.
Self Preservation felt when Logic was less tense. Could see the tension leave the logical Side the more facts that he told him. Facts comforted Logic, always have, so it didn't take much to reassure Logic. He so wanted to go to his room and soon as his eyes landed on it, the door swung back open. So inviting. However Logic had a point earlier. Intrusive Thoughts would not like him going in there. But he so needed to go in. As a courtesy, he decided he would go back to the Imagination where he left the Creative and Intrusive Side. To let Intrusive Thoughts know where he can find him later.
After Thomas trying to fix his core he didn't think he could stay away from his room for much longer. He needed his room to properly rest and recover. This body was too heavy and too big.
When he returned to the Imagination he was still unable to land right. He found himself not in the meadow that he had left the two brothers in. He was more near a cute little village. Strange he had been sure he had pin pointed where he had left them. Self Preservation casually walked toward the village. He would not be able to navigate the Imagination with Creativity or Intrusive Thoughts, so the best option was to stay at the nearest village, instead of running into a strange creature created by the twins.
As soon as the first villager spotted him, it seemed that they all vanished, hurriedly bustling into the nearest building and the shops closed as he passed. There was a very loud bell being rung in a church that seemed never ending. It was peculiar. Self Preservation looked down at himself, and then behind him making sure nothing was charging for the village. Then he stared out back to the now empty village street. That was odd. Maybe they were just cautious of new people. That would be a great detail thought from Creativity. It would make role-playing adventures that more exciting.
"Excuse me?" Self Preservation called knocking on the nearest Inn. "Would anyone know when Creativity or Intrusive Thoughts will pass through? I am searching them." He asked, trying to open the door that should be open for anyone, but was met with resistance.
"Begone, Villainous Creature!" A shout beyond the door shouted.
Self Preservation blinked and looked back over his shoulder, double checking to make sure the village was not under attack. They weren't.
"Our Prince will come for your head this day Monster!" Continued the person behind the door.
Self Preservation shrugged and continued to on his way, deciding Imagination people were weird. The further he went into the village the louder the ring bell got until he was just in from to the church and he spotted the people ring it scrambled to hide. He wasn't too upset about it, the bell was getting annoying; it hurt his ears. Sighing he sat himself on the fountain that wasn't too far away. He suspected that it was to signify that he was in the middle of the village. And still no sign of Creativity or Intrusive Thoughts. He sat down on the edge, deciding to just wait. The person in the hotel had said that Creativity would be coming today.
He didn't have to wait long before the sound of horse hooves reached his ears, and a large majestic white horse came charging into view, slowing enough for its rider to slide off, sword drawn. "Prepare yourself Villia- Janus!?"
"Hello Creativity." Self Preservation greeted. Looking to Roman before turning his head to look at the white horse that had came to a stand still close by.
"You're the one they called me for?!" Roman said, letting his sword vanish from his hands, not wanting Remus to find him near Self Preservation with a weapon out.
Self Preservation nodded. "I didn't mind waiting." He said, as he stood up and slowly made his way over to the white horse holding his hand out, so the creature could sniff at it before he petted it.
Roman shook his head a bit. "That's not why- Never mind." He cut himself off. "You were looking for me?" He asked instead.
"Intrusive Thoughts." Self Preservation corrected. "But it is good to run into you too. I see Intrusive Thoughts did not hold back." He added, letting his gaze focus back on the Creative Side. Creativity was covered in bruises, even his Prince attire had definitely seen better days. Self Preservation was glad that he had brought the two to the Imagination to spar. Here they were at least safe from permanent damage.
"Yeah...." Roman sighed, letting his form relax just a bit.
Self Preservation took noticed that Creativity would not meet his eyes. "Would you like spar with me? It seems that is the role this village sees me as a villain." Creativity's body immediately went stiff.
"No!" He practically shouted.
Self Preservation watched as Creativity started looking around as an uncomfortable tension settled between them. Creativity seemed to be trying to think of a way to talk to him. So he was going to give him all the time he wanted.
"I can take you to Remus." Creativity finally settled on. "I'm assuming you can't navigate the Imagination well." He added.
Self Preservation moved off to the side as Creativity came closer and grabbed the reins of the white horse, letting the straps and saddle disappear at his touch, and patting the creature before letting it run off. Self Preservation let Creativity lead him out of the village. "I do not mind role playing the villain" He offered.
Roman removed the hand he had on the Half Side as if he had been burn. "No! Why would you?!" He asked, his voice trembling slightly.
Self Preservation didn't even have to think about the answer. "Because it will make you feel better." Hoping that would ease Creativity a bit. And he almost missed that it had the opposite effect. He was getting a really tired. And his chest was starting to hurt. Not painful but it was there and something was just telling. He was getting sleepy.
Roman felt ice travel down his spine. Janus had played the villain because they had wanted one. Janus was let them make him the villain and embraced the role they had given him. Had let them ridicule and make him an outcast because it had made Roman and the others feel better. Roman had wronged Janus so bad. What could he say to that blunt answer. "I am so sorry." He mumbled, his voice barely coming out.
"You do not need to apologize. I'm just doing my job." Self Preservation replied, he expression staying blank, despite being so tired. Using Roman to lean on slightly.
Roman didn't push Self Preservation away. It honestly shook him a bit that Self Preservation felt comfortable enough to even lean on him, and it just un-nerved Roman so much. He missed Janus being Janus. It was torture him to see Janus like this. Squaring his shoulders and trying to put on the Princely persona so to hide his regret and sadness. Janus had been dedicated to his job so much he had tried to rip himself apart to make Thomas happy. Roman refuse to treat this Janus as a Villain. He would not make the same mistake twice. "I know. Come on Remus went back looking for you. He really lost it when he noticed you had left, you know." He said, trying to push everything away. He was going to be better. To Janus and to Remus.
Self Preservation hummed, in acknowledgment.
Speaking of Remus, Roman was sure his brother had went back to the common room and bed rooms. He sinks out taking Self Preservation with him, ending up back in the hallway where their rooms were. They can hear Remus shouting in Virgil's room that prompted Roman to hurry into the Emo's room to see his brother, corner the Anxious Side, threatening him and shouting about finding Self Preservation.
Self Preservation did not follow Creativity, trusting the Side to be able to handle calming his brother and Anxiety down. He was going to go to his room.
Again his door opened up for him and he was greeted to his room just waiting for him. And a very comfortable bed. Looking one more time where all the noise was once coming from, he saw Intrusive Thoughts practically bolt from the room and to him "Jannie! Don't!" The Intrusive Side shouted.
Self Preservation looked back into his room. He couldn't stay away from his room he was tired. And as much as he liked sharing a bed with Intrusive Thoughts, he needed his room. "I won't be long Intrusive Thoughts." He said, taking a step into the room, barely making it as Intrusive Thoughts made a grab for him. The door slamming shut after he finished stepping past the threshold. Yawning, Self Preservation climbed into bed humming at how comfortable it felt. The ache in his chest easing and turning into a nice warmth. He cradled the necklace full of his other shards close, as he fell asleep. Now that he was here the feeling that something was broken; that he was broken, that he had to fix it vanished altogether.
Intrusive Thoughts would understand when he woke back up.
TBC
A/N: Self Preservation made it to his room! Is that a good thing or bad thing? We will see in the next chapter. Can't wait to here what you all thought about this one. And your guess for the next. I love hearing what you all thought. It really makes my day. :)
Stay Safe!!