YOONGI'S POV
The steady sound of my car's hazard lights was like the bomb ticking within me, ready to explode anytime. Rozie hasn't answered any of my calls since 12 noon. I'm an overthinker. I try not to be but I just can't help it. My mind's been running a film that I put foolishly together. Call me malicious but I believe I have every right to be.
How hard is it to tell me the truth? Would it take so much to answer the phone and just say, "Oh Yoongi, I happen to be in Busan right now. And yeah, didn't bother telling you knowing you wouldn't let me. But please don't worry. I'll be back in your arms in no time."
Those words are all I needed, babe.
Babe.
I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling nostalgic about the very first time I call her that.
"Let's make some love, babe," I remember me saying to her with so much passion and desire combined. I could still savor the sweetness at the very first taste of her. The touch and kisses we shared felt like it all just happened yesterday. That night really changed everything for both of us. If I chose differently then, I would still be living my life per usual; finishing long hours at work and calling it a day with yet another random person to blow off the steam.
Babe.
It was actually my generic name for all my booty calls back then. I just didn't have the energy to remember their names or think of a different one for each of them, so "babe" was really my go-to especially during the part when I start grinding on to them in bed. The last thing I expected was for it to mean so much to me than it being just a silly pet name.
It may come as very exaggerated for others when I say that giving myself to Rozie was such a big deal to me because it really is. Opening up wasn't my thing. If I meet someone and I find her sexy enough to turn me on, then yes, I'll hit it off with her. But, that's just that. It ends when the blow's over.
Sana may have been a temporary exemption but just because we went on tours together. She was really the easiest way to get a good release when my adrenaline's up after our concerts and I badly needed to get knocked out fast. She was unquestionably just good for, for a lack of a better word, fucking.
When I get tired of her and I need a change of flavor, there were maybe one or two instances when I discreetly scan among the VIP seats and look for anyone that catches my eye. I would then secretly ask some staff members to get a hold of her and bring her to my hotel room. These things happen not just with me but with the other members too. But then again, despite having the staff understanding our needs as grown men and taking care of privacy protocol and the like, it's too much of a risk. Some women just don't give a fuck about NDAs, hence, jacking off would often be a better option to get a good night's sleep.
Don't get us wrong by thinking that we only preoccupy ourselves with getting laid while we're on stage. We really just go through a lot of stress, a lot, in fact, is taking it a hundred notches lower than what it actually is. The released footage doesn't capture even half of the whole truth. We only show the world what we want. I'm not saying that what everyone else sees is fake. We just filter things up or alter a couple of bits of the story. We are meant to look good, after all.
Someone changed it all though, at least for me. What should have been just a passing connection is now the only constant I want in my life. My love for music is eternal but I will eventually reach the point when my mind gets all rusty to write the lyrics of a song and my knees could no longer withstand even just a two-step choreography. Our fame will soon die down and we would be nothing else but a good memory to look back to in ten years or so.
Loving Rozie however, is something I can do consistently and involuntarily, requiring just the beat of my heart, even if my senses fall short as I age. I may grow weak and fragile but my feelings for her only get stronger as years pass us.
As an artist, leaving a remarkable footprint in the music industry is what we aim for. We are almost at the end of the line, we can already relish the glory of victory in our hands from miles away. But after that, when we finally reach that milestone, that's really just it. People would want to talk about someone else and we would soon be forgotten.
Living a comfortable life with Rozie and raising our kids by ourselves will be my legacy. Our children would be the living testament of our true love. They will tell our story through generations and generations of the Min family. Just the thought of that makes me want to marry her now and let the rest of the plan happen quickly. Taking things slowly with her won't work for me anymore. I am dying to spend every waking moment with her, filling my days with no one else. As long as I have her in my life, the rest of the world can just crumble down for all I care.
God knows I don't want to hide her anymore. Me being a private person is something I can set aside already. If there's something that I want the entire universe to know, then that's her. The person who can soften me like a marshmallow. The only person who I consented to see the real me. Beyond the strong facade I've been putting up is just a man afraid of judgment and full of insecurities. Every time she looks at me with her loving eyes, it leaves me wondering how can she gaze at me that way when I couldn't even stare at my reflection in the mirror. She cleanses my mouth off of cruel curses and replaces them with nothing but words of love for her and the people around me. She always sets me in a good mood no matter how unbearable my day is going to be. The very same person who excites me to come home after a long, tiring 18 hours, excited to take her out and sleep with her in my arms, only to stay awake, unbelieving how blessed I am to have her.
She gets me out of the comfort of my studio just to see her smile at the bittersweet taste of coffee in all these countless cafes she tells me about. I can't believe that I can describe love by just glancing at a beautiful woman with a drink in her hand. While her eyes ran through the aesthetics of the place and speaks to me about anything under the sun, I simply take snaps of her and enjoy every minute of it.
I have a sense of humor that's not everybody's cup of tea, but she always cracks up at my jokes no matter how cringe-worthy they might be. It makes me quite amused by the fact that a grouchy person like I am can send someone heartily laughing like that. I might have saved the world in a lifetime before this.
We have made love so many times but she gets me turned on at the slightest touch of our skin. I will forever be mesmerized by how passionate I could be when we get under the sheets. When our bodies collide, the sound of her getting there is music to my ears. I want to bring her to ecstasy again and again even if it's quite difficult for me to stop from getting to that climax myself, especially when the sensual view of her eyes just drives out the hunger of a man that's all-out mad at every inch of her.
During the onset of our relationship, I thought actions would suffice as I am inexpressive through words. I realized though that my emotions are just too much to just convey via non-verbal cues. I found myself telling her how much I love her every day and always deep in thought of how else in a thousand ways I can make her fall for me over and over.
Rozie changed me. Damn, it doesn't even feel right to call her by her first name anymore. She will always be "babe" to me.
So babe, what are you doing to me now? What are you turning me into?
I sunk in my seat as I resentfully face reality again.
I don't like this...feeling. I hate these images of you ... and him. I shouldn't be bothered at all.
I know you love me. I know you do. Fuck.
But why do I feel like I'm about to lose you? I chewed on my fingernails as anxiety swallowed me whole.
My trembling hands ran through the roundness of the steering wheel as the perverse thoughts of Jungkook and her together attacked me. Hyperventilating, I slammed my head against the car seat, trying to stop my stupid presumptions from killing me. But to my dismay, my genius mind has begun patching up with the present some scenes that happened long before. It was as if it was doing me a favor, rationalizing my hunches for me so I can see the ugly truth.
Recall
"JK enough!" RM said in a loud, stern voice, but Jungkook was far from backing down.
"NO! He gets to be a brat when he wants to because all you guys tolerate him. Heck! Did he even apologize for all the trouble he put us through?!" He's pointing fingers now. The nerve of this piece of shit.
"I'm getting tired of you blabbing like a bitch! If you're so pissed at me, why don't we settle this man to man?!" His resistance and whatever this was he was trying to put up, I'm not having any of it. I came up to him ready to give him a dose of me but Hobi got in my way.
"Game on!" He audaciously challenged me. "If that's what it needs to get it to your head that the world doesn't revolve around you! You think BTS is nothing without you when the rest of us could do your shit. Hell, I can do it way fucking better!" His ridicule pushed off one of my very last buttons.
"Take him out of my sight before I get my hands on him!" My knuckles are already itching to knock his face off.
But he wasn't done yet."Oh, wait. Maybe letting her stay at my place is a good idea after all. I could surely use some late-night fucking. I bet she's really good at it." He perversely ran his tongue across his disgusting mouth. God knows, I showed enough restraint to get my hands on him, but he drew my last straw. I just blacked out, all hell broke loose.
"Fuck you! You take that back you sick fuck!"
End of recall
I was parked right outside of our apartment. I arrived two hours ago but I couldn't bring myself out of the car. Driving to Busan at eight in the evening is a bad idea, but it's the only solution I can think of to get myself some clarity. I was still trying to be logical with myself though which by history only works when I'm in the right state of mind. Evidently, I am nowhere near that at the moment.
All my devils are taking over me. I was clearly imagining myself at the edge of the cliff, stringing Jungkook by the neck while he desperately begs me for his life.
Is this your way of revenge, Jeon Jungkook? Stealing my girl? Of all the possible ways to get back at me, this is how you want it to be? How can you stoop so low you, son-of-a-bitch?!
But before I killed the motherfucking bastard in my head for the nth time, Rozie's words from one of our conversations played in my head.
"I think this is a time that you should put your indifferences off, don't you think? What you guys have is long overdue. But I get it. I'd like you to at least think rationally if that's not too much to ask."
I was instantly filled with shame by her words. I quickly loosened my grip on the steering wheel and straightened myself on my seat. The sound of her angelic voice just does unexplainable wonders to me. I love it. I've written a bunch of songs just by thinking of her and how crazy I am with the way she calls my name when we make sweet love. The way she traces her finger on every part of my face when we lay down in bed in comfortable silence while I just listen to her breathe is what gets me out of a slump.
She's the reason why I spend long hours speaking to my mom on the phone again. We never had that kind of relationship. Our conversations were always short and awkward, but because of Rozie, we somehow filled the gap. We were able to establish a bond that I thought we could never take up again. It did cross my mind that probably my mom was just riding the waves to get on my good side, but I really didn't care. All I know is I love speaking about her and all that we could ever be. If my parents end up not liking her down the road, I'll be sorry, but I will choose her over anything and anyone else.
No one else has ever impacted my life like this which is why she scares the hell out of me too. She is my sense of peace and my pandemonium. A gift and a curse.
I used to be very certain that she sees me in the same light, but now, I'm not so sure anymore.
Recall
"... I hugged him." I really appreciate my girlfriend being transparent with me, but I still am a work in progress with keeping my temper at bay.
"You what?!" The sudden revelation has gotten my insides churning.
"I hugged him." She spoke it under her breath this time around, seeming to be intimidated by my not-so appreciative reaction.
"O-kay. But Jungkook doesn't like to be hugged when he's upset. So he must've pushed you away, right?" I said the first line with the utmost confidence that despite our ongoing argument, I know him long enough, his secrets and struggles altogether. In the back of my head though, I couldn't seem to push away the voice that was telling me I might be wrong.
"He didn't. He... actually hugged me back." And so I am. Fuck my life. I guess I don't know that bastard after all.
"He just hit the sack. We actually lost track of time. I'm sure he was drained." I must say her words were really cryptic and my mind could just go on and on with the endless possibilities of what could have really happened beyond what she just told me, but I stopped myself.
And so I said, "He's lucky to have you there to comfort him."
End of recall
I winced at my stupidity. The line seemed to be the most appropriate thing to say at that time, but now that I ponder about it,
"What the fuck were you thinking?!" I screamed out loud, furiously hitting the hooter with my fist, again and again, setting the car blaring across the vicinity.
"How can you be such a fucking dumbass, Min Yoongi?!" The fact that I know that this is the consequence of not thinking through the plan of bringing her here with me has been eating me up since we landed. But what's really worse is the reality that I consented to send her into the snare so she can be tempted and taken from me by the devil's spawn.
"No. No. No. I can't just sit my ass around here and wait for them to come back." Thoughts of Jungkook getting his hands on Rozie are making me borderline crazy, or maybe I already am insane, but I just need to get a few sanity strands together so I can drive to Busan in one piece. I quickly turned the engine on, ready to storm this four-wheel drive down the highway.
"Damn you, Jeon Jungkook. You just wait. You haven't seen the worse of me yet."