Pain. Hatred. Sadness.
Evolving around these emotions, my life has taken a setback. It feels like I'm stuck. Just stuck somewhere and no matter how I want to get out of that place, I'm deeply rooted to it. Because I'm deeply rooted to him.
I thought he would come back after an hour? Or maybe a day? Or maybe a week? But the lack of his warmth, the lack of a person calling me his love, the lack of the person walking with me to the university securely intertwining my hand in his, the lack of the person giving me a rose every single day made it clear, that he is not around anymore.
How I wish if he was here, I would, at the very moment will run to him and jump into his embrace without having second thoughts of how he left my heart shattered or even took it away with him leaving me heartless.
He broke my soul. The intensity was so deep that I could feel my heart squishing down completely and blood furiously getting out of it, breaking my ribs while flowing through to make way for them.
Why did he leave me? He once asked me if I was looking for ways of leaving him. But in the end, the reality was that we were never together in the first place to leave each other.
A week has passed. I would be lying if it didn't feel like he died. Though, the professors told us that he canceled his term a few days before 23rd November and left with all his transfer documents. But something within me urges me to pretend that nothing ever happened. I was a fool, thinking that he just skipped college for a while.
Though a week has passed, he will eventually come back. Nothing happened. Calm down, everyone. Chill. Everything is okay. Okay?
Who are you kidding?
It never felt like he ever existed. Even Casey never spoke about him, nor that I'm complaining because the less his name is heard by my ears, the more my heart mourns his absence alone which is kind of bearable as at least I'm not becoming a burden on anyone by moping my sadness on someone else's shoulder.
I was scared. Because I was not feeling anything. It felt like my body was paralyzed. I had to remind myself from time to time that he is not dead, he just... left me. For good? Like he said.
I have the letter with me, safely secured in my locker. After all, it was his last surprise, how could I not keep it securely. I have reread that letter an unhealthy amount of times, as now I know every alphabet of every word used in it. I had recalled the letter by heart, which he took away with him.
The bracelet. It is still tied to my wrist. By him. Once in a while, I get thoughts of removing it, but then a thought chimes, what if he came back, and he could feel hurt that I threw his precious birthday present, he bought for me. And to the fascinating side, I don't even know what was so special about it. He promised to tell me later, but later came just with his absence, but everything.
I should feel something, right? Why my hands are not shaking with anxiety? I don't know. Why am I not crying? I don't know because actually, he is not dead. Why am I not moving on? I don't know from what I have to move on.
Let's just say for now. I'm hurt, but it's not paining. There's this unpleasant, creepy sound that embodies me like a shark.
I grabbed my diary to write something about what I was feeling because writing always helped me to let go of my pent-up emotions.
What does emptiness feel like?
For me is the sound of sharks moving under the water,
With a subtle feeling of clenched heart.
It's the emotions that are at their peak,
Yet, all emotions get subsided, turning them empty in the heart.
There was a feeling to cry,
But no tears dared to come out of my eyes,
There was a feeling of sadness,
And I believe I felt that on so many levels.
A sudden shiver went down my spine,
As I released a shaky breath,
When this nothingness of emptiness,
Felt everything shattering in my heart.
The feeling of emptiness never felt empty,
Even for a single ounce of emotion,
How I carried it in my heart,
Caged between my ribs.
Phew! That was a quick glance.
A week has passed, and I'm still grieving over his... absence.
1 December
Why? Why does it have to be today? It's his birthday.
I wish it was a little later, like a year later or something. Why does it have to be today when I had planned so much for him, to make this the best birthday for him, but for whom should I open the surprises for when in the end, he gave me the biggest shock of my life?
I wanted to take him on the cruise he wanted to go on since he was a kid, he told me once. I had spent all my savings for those tickets, for those special arrangements for his birthday, but as it's said, when the main lead takes off after saving the world, he always sacrifices his love.
I don't freaking care about the money. But can I make a request? Can I bring that person back? It's... it's getting out of control to suppress my emotions. It obviously doesn't look great when the professor asks a question, and I start mumbling and rambling about how my boyfriend who happened to be my first love suddenly decides that he doesn't love me anymore and leaves so suddenly like he never existed with all the beforehand planning.
"Listen, all, we are going to the club tonight, and we'll party until we are knocked out of our senses," Xavier chimed enthusiastically, bringing my attention back to the squad sitting in the cafeteria. We were in the cafeteria? I didn't see myself walking there.
I felt a hand on my left hand and I looked at the person. Xavier and others were looking at me with pity in their eyes. I didn't want that pity. Xav asked, "What's say, Jo? You coming, right?"
"I have a test to prepare for actually, I can't," I lied. I knew they know I'm lying but contemplating if I have to knock my senses out with drinking and puke the whole next day or just go home and get into my pajamas with an ice cream tub in my hands and then a pleasant sleep under the duvet, I would definitely choose the latter.
They hummed in response, as they knew I was not going to change my mind. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. It was a call... a call from an unknown number. Quick as sand slides from even a closed fist, I slide the screen toward answering the call. What if... what if it was Vian?
I ran out of the cafeteria to have some privacy. "H-hello?" I said into the call, hoping it was him.
"Hello, we are offering a credit car-" I cut the call immediately, seeing no sign of his presence again. How a part of my life changed. A few months back, I never bothered to pick up any calls from an unknown number, and here I was desperately picking them up hoping it was him.
My phone vibrated again. I picked up the call as fast as light, despite being again a call from an unknown number. Maybe he was the one?
"Hello?" I said and sucked in a sharp breath. The other line was silent. Nobody said anything. I heard a sigh.
"Vian? Vian, I know this is you. Please, talk to me, please come back," I cried immediately into the phone as I knew it was him. I remember how he even sighed. I put my hand on my mouth to control the sobs escaping, which was the last thing I wanted anyone to see.
"Sorry, wrong number!" another voice interrupted. It was not his voice. Before I could say anything, the other line got disconnected. I tried to redial that number in hopes of him picking up, but no one picked up. Again. Why would a person pick up when it was a wrong number?
I bit the insides of my cheek to stop myself from having a breakdown then and there and run toward the washroom to hide my pathetic self in one of the booths.
"I tried to find the lost rays of light in you, until the very last moment, when I lost the last one of mine." I didn't know how to move on. I couldn't.
"While I was drowning deep, I searched for a hand, hoping it would be yours. And guess what, it was yours waving from afar, Mr. Vian Marshall." I cried. I cried without making any noise.
"Your love and care made me realize that we were meant to be together yet broken."
"Your absence is the scar you gave me, which is invisible but enough for me to live a life full of hell!!"
I said to our photographs which I still had and that freaking bracelet which was still on my hand-tied by him.
I wanted to just throw it away, throw everything out of my life that reminded me of him. But I couldn't, something was holding me off.
I looked at my reflection of dried tears in the mirror,
Waited for my eyes to get less noticed by a breakdown.
Once again I let myself in contemplation,
A war in my head, a smile tugging at my lips, a thought running with a hidden frown.
I finally realized what makes me happy. And what brings a smile to my face? And what makes my heart flutter? Not that my heart flutters every time, but the time surrounding all these questions having only one answer is when my eyes get the opportunity to see my little crystal, my Jo, smile. And the cherry on top is when she smiles because of me.
Driving the car on an empty road, we were going to reach home earlier from her birthday extravaganza than I had expected. She was taking glancing at the bracelet I tied on her wrist and she was thinking that I can't see her smile but as I told her, even her cheeks get pulled up even if she makes a little movement of her jaw and her face portrayed a smile, my happiness.
We reached home after a couple of minutes and my last surprise for her was waiting for her.
I was helping her to get out of that dress so that she could wear something more comfortable but before that my phone chimed indicating a call which was a number that wasn't saved on my phone but imprinted in my heart and mind with dark ink.
I excused myself and jogged outside the house because I didn't want Jo's birthday to get spoiled by the only person who destroyed my family's life... my dad.
My hands were not shaking exactly, but were trembling a little. I picked up the call, and before I could say anything, I let the other person speak first.
There was silence for about 20 seconds and to be honest it was eating me up. What the hell does he want if he doesn't want to talk about it?
"What?" I asked. There was no need for a greeting, as our relationship had passed such a stage a long time ago.
"Ah, my baby boy is big and puffier. And he also got a way of talking. Hmm. What is this vixen teaching you? How to disobey your father? You bastard!" His words coerced through my ear, and immediately I let them move out from the other before I could lose control.
My hand turned into a fist and I bit the insides of my cheek to control the anger subsiding within me from the past couple of years. Or since my birth, actually.
"Meet me at the factory in an hour, the one which is behind your house." Those were the last words I heard from him until the line got disconnected from the other side.
I was contemplating whether to go or not. What does he want from me now? I have no relationship with him neither I want to keep any but what's the situation is now that he wants to meet with me. Has the time come? I knew about this curse way before Jo found out, and the one who told me about this was non-other than my dad himself.
Though,
I'm used to this pain, this hatred,
Then why my heart is still beating louder than normal?
I'm used to the situations, the circumstances,
Then why I'm panicking again?
This time I wasn't crying,
But I felt the pain.
After what felt like half an hour, I decided to meet her for the last time. I went inside the house to find her awake, but before she could come downstairs, I decided to text her. I messaged Jo that I would be late because of some urgent work. Was it urgent? No. Did I want to go? No. Then why I was going? Probably to never come back. I kept the letter on the kitchen counter, so it would be easy for her to forget me afterward.
She texted me to be safe and be back soon with lots of hugs and kisses emoji, easing my panic attack a little. Keeping her safety in mind, I knew I had to bargain with my dad on things I shouldn't suppose to in the first place.
I don't know how would I feel once I will see him after so long. His beard must have gone grey only if he didn't dye it back. Or his spectacles? It definitely must be different because he had a habit of breaking his glasses every time there was some quarrel in the house.
I still remember when he was about to attack mom with one of his belts, but I came between them and took every whip on my arms, on my face. Or when he created that mental pressure on my grandpa that he took to die as a more convenient option.
Now that no one in my family is around me, I'm feeling empty to meet him. Running with these thoughts in my mind, I reached the factory.
The steel gate opened with a sound terrifying in the night, and closed with the same sound once I entered inside. Black and white smoke covered a huge portion of the factory, which was kind of confusing considering the factory was closed for a long time. It reeked of some disgusting smell, the smell of dead fishes?
"You're late."
I heard his sound. Clearly. More clearly, like he was standing just behind me. I was not afraid of him, just with an indifferent feeling.
"So what? I had prior commitments," I said after turning toward him. I saw him after this long. Immediately, unconsciously, I took a step toward him with the hope of any meeting or greeting, but I took a withheld on myself.
"Ah, look, you've grown up into a man. How's that vixen of yours?" He asked.
My jaw twitched. "How dare you talk about her like that?"
"What will you do? Punch me? Hit me? Come on, go ahead." Why was he provoking me? Was this one of his plans?
"Your mom and sister were the same pathetic bitches. The best part is that they are dea--" I lost it completely.
"Shut up, just shut up!" I walked towards him and held him by the collar of his shirt, which was reeking of some fishy smell.
Was he living in this factory?
"Ah, it's time for your love to die. Despite knowing the consequences, how could you make this mistake of falling in love with her? How will you feel when you will see her dead flesh surrounded by a pool of blood-"
"Why didn't you kill me back then?" I asked, more like a whisper. My face was heating up, emotions were pooling in my eyes, but I stayed still expressionless.
"I couldn't win against you because you had nothing to lose back then, but today you have her." He easily answered my question. He didn't have to think about it, it was clear to him.
"Then kill me, I know about the curse, and I also know that you're aware of it. You want every woman in my life dead, but do one favor for me. Kill me instead and end this once and for all."
"I tried not to love her. I tried not to involve her in my life, knowing that I'd have to face her absence because of that curse which was not even meant for me in the first place. But I accept myself as I am. Little by little, I never felt the connection that started to bring me towards her, but the only thing stopping me was your voice. Every night, your voice stung in my ear like a bee, reminding me of the curse and your duty to fulfil it. I just wanted to give some happiness to her on her birthday. That's why I begged you not to harm her until this day. But finally, I have all my belongings with me, making her life devoid of me and my beingness. I'm here, ready to die."
"Where's this attitude coming from, Vian? She taught you well that you're bargaining your life for her? Anyway, I don't care, this doesn't seem too bad either," he stated and took something out from his back pocket. It was a gun.
I'm sorry, Jo. I knew someday this day would come, making us apart. Again.
"Before that, you have to promise me one thing. You will not harm her in any or the other way," I spoke.
"Ah, fine. I will not have to do anything with her anyway. Though, I tried to warn you, what kind of love is this. Do you know how much I had to pay that bitch, what was her name? Ah, Chloe, for that recording to make you and Josephine apart? All I got was nothing, ah, I'm so pissed!"
He took a deep breath and smiled at me. "So, any last wish?" He asked.
"I want to confess something. Before I die here tonight, I want you to know something," I said.
I knew this was coming. And especially today when it's her birthday. Before my dad could harm her, I cleared my existence from her life.
"Go on, you can have a minute, or I can spare you a minute," he stated and laughed sarcastically.
"I love you, dad. I love you. I know I never said it because I never got the right time. This moment is not the right time either, but I want you to know that despite all the beatings and everything you did to hurt my mom, Mia, and me, I don't know where is this feeling of forgiving you coming from. I want to be there for you, despite you never being. I love when you show a glimpse of affection toward me, I love it. Dad, I know there's this curse or whatever bullshit, but I want you to know I just want to end myself. I don't want to live anymore and before that, I want to do one thing. Will you do it for me? I want you to hug me like a father to a son, I don't know if you love me, but just hug me once? Let me be in your embrace once and pat my back a little? Whisper in my ear that you are proud of me for at least surviving. I want your love, dad, But not at the cost of harming Jo for it. It's better to finish the root of the problem than my loved ones, that is me."
I said. I said everything I was feeling at that moment. Those thoughts of mine got confused with each other, but he gets what I want. At least, I think that. Because his grip on the gun tightens.
He took a sigh. A heavy one, and rubbed his eyes nonchalantly. Neither of us spoke anything, but he knew what I had asked for. He mouthed a fine and took a step toward me.
Was it really happening? What did I ask for? I should hate this person. I should hate everything about him, yet I'm asking for a freaking hug?
He came closer to me, I saw something in his eyes. Tears? Fake tears, maybe.
"Forgive me." He landed on his knees. "Please forgive me. I don't have any explanation for my bad deeds, but I can do one thing to lessen the burden. Come here," he said and hugged me tight and whispered how much he is proud of me for everything.
Without another second to pass by, before I could hug him back, only two sounds resounded in that factory. A gunshot and the second was the dripping of the blood before darkness took over my sight.
No matter what, one thing should be kept in mind, always. In the end, everyone loses and not a single soul will win.
─•~❉᯽❉~•─
Thoughts?🦋