Chapter 89
Somehow, Josh and my parents had managed to convince me to throw the party for my birthday, and it was already well underway as I sat on a stool, a bottle of Gatorade in my hand instead of the cups with beers my friends had.
Of course, in normal circumstances, my birthday wasn't an event that was skipped. It had been an excuse for my friends to throw big parties with my parents' funding it in the past.
But this year, I had no interest in entertaining my friends. I wanted to hide in my room, or run on my treadmill.
Most of the time I was running.
It didn't exactly make me happy, but it helped me feel more at ease in my head.
And I was looking for peace of mind now, not being surrounded by people partying and in a good mood, when my life felt like it had fallen apart in the last two weeks.
I was getting better. I could feel that much. But I knew it would actually be easier if I was far away from here. If I wasn't worried that any time I turned a corner I would come face to face with Lexi at school. If I didn't second guess where I could eat for lunch so I wouldn't see her. If I didn't lay in bed at night, trying to forget that she'd been in this room before.
I didn't like the person that obsessing over Lexi had made me become. I wanted to be far from here so I could start new.
I'd actually been debating about giving her the letter I'd written or not. Maybe I could send it to her before getting on the plane. That way I wouldn't have to confront her after that.
I was not strong enough for that.
I was feeling better though. I was actually accepting the fact that Lexi would never be mine now. I was at peace with it, really.
So I certainly didn't need a party to remind me of how low I'd been. This was no cause for celebration.
But still. I humoured my parents. I humoured Josh.
Speaking of Josh, I had no idea where he was. He said he'd gone to get a birthday present for me, and that was like almost half an hour ago, and people were coming in, trying to speak to me, screaming around me, having fun, and I wasn't actually having fun and I wanted to just go hide in my own room.
We'd used the guesthouse for the party.
The place had been decorated, food and drinks had been bought. People had dressed up, looking forward to this moment.
And I was just sitting there, thinking about the fact that my parents should have just sent Kendall to stay here to begin with. If she hadn't been in our house, Lexi never would have seen her, and things would have gone differently. Or maybe if I'd been honest with her sooner, maybe things would have been okay...
Probably not though. Definitely not. If I'd been honest with her, she just would have been disgusted with me more quickly. She'd made it abundantly clear that my past mistakes made me gross and awful.
And why was I even thinking about this right now?
Hadn't I just been thinking I was doing better and moving on?
What a joke I was.
This was what happened when I wasn't running or keeping busy thinking about my travel plans.
"Have you seen Alex?" Jimmy yelled to Peter over the music blasting.
Peter made shocked face. "Yeah, you think it's a joke?"
"It has to be. Right? Right?"
"What are you guys talking about?" I asked them, taking a sip of Gatorade.
"Did you see Alex?"
"No." And if I was completely frank I would have rather he had not come to this party.
I didn't need him here.
"Ah man, you gotta see this one for yourself," Peter replied.
I rolled my eyes, but humoured him.
Maybe it would be something funny and I could make fun of him, and then maybe I could laugh, and if I laughed maybe I could pretend to be happy for a second and actually enjoy being surrounded by the people I called my friends.
But some of my friends were missing. Fred wasn't here yet, he was still at work.
Josh was still MIA.
And Tyler wasn't my friend anymore...
Maybe I could hunt for the twins after seeing Alex.
They were usually good at making me laugh, and they had been cordial enough to make me think that they wouldn't ostracize me over my somewhat break-up with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.
So I left my Gatorade on a table, and headed in the direction where Peter was pointing that Alex was supposed to be.
I didn't have to look for him for too long. Everyone was looking his way, kind of whispering about him.
All of it kinda hit me at the same time.
First off, Lexi was there, chatting up with Alex like everything was normal. What was she doing here? Who had invited her? Who had let her in this house with her curly hair I'd always loved and pretty blue dress I'd never seen her wear before? Who'd thought it was a good idea to have her be this gorgeous in my presence?
But secondly, and this was the most important thing. The shirt Alex was wearing. On it, it was written "Sorry girls, I suck dicks."
How could someone's mind feel seemingly empty while also having a thousand thoughts all at once?
Because as the guys had been saying earlier, this could just be a joke, a somewhat tasteless one, pun unintended, but still a joke.
But... it was true. It had to be. Because this suddenly made everything make sense.
Alex was gay. And he had broken up with Lexi. Because he was gay. And he'd destroyed her, because the guy she'd liked had rejected her because he was gay.
I didn't even want to think about what that could have done to her self esteem, that her only boyfriend had turned out to be gay.
And I felt like an utter asshole to have been constantly throwing this back in her face, all the time. I thought he'd rejected her for something stupid. I thought he'd rejected her because he was a dumbass and she'd forgiven him easily because she loved him.
I'd always been so mad at her because she'd forgiven him for breaking her heart, but she'd never forgiven me being a jerk.
But she had never cared about me the way she cared about her friend.
And she had forgiven him because the reason for the break up was actually legitimate, and holy shit.
"You're gay," I finally managed to utter, my voice not sounding like my own, my eyes still fixed on Alex.
This was the first thing. This was the first confirmation I needed before I went insane.
"Yeah..." he replied, looking uneasy.
I asked the second question, the most important one. "Did you know this when you dated Lexi?"
"Yes."
The heartless motherfucker. How could he?
I was about to fucking explode. How could he? How could he do that to the person he claimed to be one of his best friends? How could he do this to someone he knew liked him? How could he do this to someone he cared about? How could he use Lexi like this with no regards to her feeling?
Had he not cared about what it was going to do to Lexi? Had he just cared about his stupid fucking self?
"And knowing that you were gay and not attracted to her in any way you still went out with her, not taking into consideration that you could break her heart?" I asked.
Maybe there was something more to this fucking nightmare. Maybe I was missing something important.
I had to be. Because how could he just stand beside her like that, how could he have smiled at her all these years knowing he'd done this to Lexi?
"Yes," he admitted.
The next few seconds, I felt like I'd just blacked out.
Because one second, I was standing in front of him, and the second I was taking the two steps that were separating us and punching him.
I'd wanted to punch him for soooo long, but never as much as I did now.
Alex fell down, probably as surprised as I was by my action.
But I wasn't done. Far from it.
I'd talk about anger management at my next therapy session.
Because right now, I was going to do some fucking damage.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I shouted, and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, lifting him up just enough to punch him to the ground again.
I couldn't think about anything other than the fact that he'd used Lexi. He'd used Lexi and hurt her in the process. He had no regards for the damaged it was going to do to her own self esteem and self worth. He had just thought about his own insecurities and about protecting himself.
And this anger me even more because I knew our friend group. No one would have cared if he'd been honest. No one would have judged him.
Maybe Clark and Shawn, but these dumbasses' opinion didn't count.
He broke Lexi for no reason.
He broke Lexi because he didn't want to be honest.
He broke Lexi for a lie. He'd done this to her and she'd forgiven him. How had she forgiven him?
I knew I couldn't.
I was about to punch him again, but Lexi had her hand on my arm, saying "Blake, Blake, stop," before stepping away from me. Like she was worried I might snap at her. Like she was worried any of my anger could be targeting her.
Because I was still the bad guy, even here.
I let go of Alex, just looking at Lexi.
"How could you not be.... Did you know this? You knew this?" I said.
Because she wasn't surprised by the shirt and the revelation. She wasn't furious or hurt. She'd known.
She'd known all along.
"I did, but..." she trailed.
"Jesus fuck... and that means... that means you didn't... shit..."
This meant they'd never slept together? Right? If Alex was gay? He'd probably lied about that too. He'd probably lied about everything.
And that meant that all the mistakes I made because I was an idiot and I was hurt thinking Alex had her and I never would...
All of it for nothing.
I'd been a jerk and gotten the manwhore badge for a lie.
All of it. A fucking lie.
Yeah, I really needed to get out of this town.
Alex was getting up from the ground and I glared at him. "You're a fucking asshole," I just said and left.
What else was there to say? What else was there to do?
I needed to get out of here before I did anything worst.
I'd punched Alex.
Sure, it had been a long time coming, but that didn't excuse it. Violence didn't resolve anything.
I hadn't been saving Lexi's honor or protecting her or whatever. Alex was her friend. She definitely wasn't on board with me punching him.
I was definitely going to have to see Doctor Boseman before leaving to talk about the outburst of anger.
So, I just left the party.
No one came after me.
Big surprise there.
This just cemented more the fact that I actually needed to leave.
I'd punch Alex for coming out.
People were probably going to say I was a homophobe. The rumors were definitely going to be ridiculous after this.
I wasn't punching him because he was gay, I was punching him because he'd hurt Lexi, but that had probably didn't come off as that.
I definitely had a special talent at ruining my own life and reputation.
I was past my house and on my way to the cemetery at that point.
I had no idea at what moment my mind had decided this was the way I was going, but that was fine. I didn't feel like running right now, or hiding in my room.
I felt like staring at the sky wondering about all the choices I'd made that led me to this specific place in time.
So, I headed to my usual spot and sat on the damp ground, staring up at the sky.
Lexi had sat with me here not too long ago, listening to me talking about my brother. It felt like a lifetime away.
If I had known the way Lexi would judge my past mistakes, would I have shared all of these secrets with her? Would I have shown her my weaker side? Her judgement might have felt less harsh had she not known my insecurities.
Maybe I should have protected my heart more.
Maybe I should do that now.
Lie about important stuff the way Alex had. Apparently, that made things okay.
Lie about knowing secrets, the way Josh was doing with my brother.
Maybe lying was the way to go.
Everything had been slightly easier when I was just lying to myself and everyone around me, pretending to be something I wasn't.
It was lonely, but it was safer for my heart.
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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3
I keep saying this lately, but finaaaally, after years, you've finally gotten the Blake punch. XD I know a lot of people were looking forward to this chapter. I was also looking forward to sharing it with you guys.
But this is also officially the last sad Blake chapter. Everything is looking up after that. And as I've already mentioned before, you're about to get a bunch of cute chapters of Lexi and Blake together as a couple. I've actually been debating about the future, like when Smirking Jerk comes to an end... I'm really going to need to make a livestream eventually to talk about that. Because I have ideas. I might have been thinking about doing something that would definitely make a looooot of you happy. We'll see. I coud always change my mind.
It's just, as I mentioned last week, I'm actually having fun with Blake lately. So. Yeah. Maybe I have ideas. ;P
Anyway! Gotta go write. I'm behind, as always. Eventually, I'll get more than 5 hours of sleep by night and I'll be able to have everything I need done, done. XD But in the meantime, take care guys!
See you all next week! LOVE YA! :D