"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." — Harriet Beecher Stowe
Mumbai, India
Is this what feels like when you're finally in love? Missing your loved one every single second?
It wasn't even a few hours and I was missing Vihaan already. Technically, it was our first time being away after we met each other in February.
I was sprawled on my bed, mindlessly staring at my phone. I was just done talking to him just a while ago and I was missing him already. I learnt that he was about to go out with his friends for dinner.
I sometimes forget that he too had his own share of friends and I haven't been properly introduced to them though I have known them enough.
One was Aadya's brother, Abhimanyu who often treated me like his little sister, then there was Tanuj, Diya's brother aka, the flirt and the last one was Vansh.
They were a group of four, just like us. I had met his friends under different circumstances and not as his wife. That will happen too, one day.
The door knocked and Di walked in, holding a jar of— cookies?
"Yeah, these are cookies," she said, answering the question that was on my mind.
Anika Di sat in front of me, crossing her legs. Keeping the jar between us, she opened the lid. "Have some," she offered. The smell of the freshly baked cookies filled the entire room and I greedily inhaled the scent.
Reyansh Jiju was now mastering making cookies, wow.
Taking one from the jar, I plopped the entire cookie in my mouth. As I slowly chewed onto it, the flavours slowly melted in my mouth.
It was not Reyansh Jiju who made this cookie.
The aroma and the taste were just the same and even though it had been eight years, my taste buds had not forgotten the familiar taste of those elaichi cookies.
"When did she come here to give you these?" I asked her directly without waiting to give any shocking reactions.
"She came while you were on the phone," she told me and I nodded, now looking intently at the cookie jar.
"I am not dying right?" I asked her seriously and she chuckled, shaking her head. "I had three of them already just to confirm. Since I am not dying, I think these cookies are normal."
The taste of cardamom hit my taste buds as I pushed the cookie down my throat and with that, old memories rushed in. The last time I had one of these, everything was normal. I was happy.
Maa loved cooking. She would help the cooks every day, making different dishes all through the day. She was the one who spoiled me with different kinds of pasta. The magic and love she had in her hands always made the food she made taste different which never really left my taste buds nor my memory.
It tasted just the same— everything, from the chocolate to the cardamom, everything was correct. For a moment the cookies had almost made me forget that Maa hadn't changed at all, she loved me with all the heart.
But then my past resurfaced.
"What are you thinking?" Di asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Why did she give you these?" it was the only question that I could blurt out, amidst the flood of thousands of questions that were running inside my head.
"These are for you since it's your favourite," my eyes snapped to meet hers, "she said that," Di further added. My stomach churned in discomfort over her words, trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.
"Why," a whisper of disbelief escaped out of my lips as I looked at my sister in a daze.
"Funny how we are so used to our mother's vamp behaviour that the gift of cookies seems so unreal," she bitterly chuckled. "Trust me, Shay, even I am wondering why."
"Why would she even make cookies for me? I mean, wasn't I the one they absolutely hated?" Maa suddenly being so nice made me doubt her intentions. What was she even trying to achieve? I had seen enough things in my life to not believe things that were just on the surface which was one of the major reasons why I doubted Maa's sudden intentions to try to be good.
Her mean behaviour was normal to us now that we couldn't imagine her being nice to us by giving us cookies felt so unreal.
I shouldn't be feeling this.
God, I am so gullible. I shouldn't feel giddy and happy by looking at these cookies.
"Maybe she felt bad after seeing you attacked?" Di shared her thoughts and I refused to agree with the theory.
I wiped the tear that was about to slip off my eye. "I don't think that at all, Di. Maa and Papa did not even come to visit me while I was in the hospital. Hence, there's no way they were concerned about that thing."
Di did not say anything. Instead, she just hugged me, her hand smoothening the back of my head. We stayed like that for god knows how long minutes.
I had always believed that there were two sides to a coin.
Maa's gesture had put me in a question. Why would she ever do that?
Were my doubts regarding the whole situation correct or was I seeing things that were on the surface?
* * *
"Happy birthday bestie," I gave Pranav a long tight hug and he returned it with equal enthusiasm. After breaking the hug, I grabbed my bag that was on the centre table and fished out his present and handed it over to him. "I hope you like it," I gave the box to him and sat back between Aditya and Chirag as we waited for him to open our presents.
It was the next morning and we were at Pranav's house, wishing him a happy birthday and spending some time with him. I had a few hours in hand before I could get to work and hence decided to walk over to his place only to find Aditya and Chirag sitting in the lounge already.
Pranav arranged our presents in a line and went ahead to open his gifts. Taking hold of mine first, he ripped the wrapper and opened the box. A smile set across his face as I saw him looking down at the Fossil watch that I had gifted him and his reaction made me smile as well.
Thank you, he mouthed to me.
Setting my gift aside, he picked up the second gift, which I was guessing was Chirag's and ripped it open. It was a watch again.
"What's with you guys giving me watches?" Pranav chuckled as he opened the watch box.
He suddenly stopped.
I peered over a little to see what it was and then I stopped on my tracks.
It was the same Fossil watch that I had gifted to him. I craned my neck towards Chirag who already had a sullen look on his face. I turned to look at Adi who, unfortunately, had mirrored Chirag's expressions.
"Did you too—" I trailed off when I saw Aditya nodding and I let out a frustrated groan. Pranav quickly opened the third gift and a similar watch popped out of the box and a defeated sigh escaped my lips.
"Gosh, why does this happen every single time?" I ran a frustrated hand down my face, while I looked back dejectedly between the two. "Last year, you guys gifted me the same kind of makeup—"
"I got the same crockery set," Aditya added.
"And I got the same Warren Buffet book," Chirag added at last. "We have four different group chats just to discuss birthdays and yet we make this mistake all the time."
"Uhhhhh!" I let out an exasperated unladylike screech, pushing Adi and Chirag off the sofa. I heaved a breath of relief after I let it all out. I royally ignored the shocked faces of the duo while turning to Pranav with a bright smile. "Say something,"
"I guess," Pranav took a pause, looking at the gifts, "I have replacements after I lose one,"
"Anyways," he continued, "I am going to take you guys somewhere. Let's go."
Without any further protest, we followed Pranav's trail and sat in his car while he revved the engine and hit the road.
Summers in Mumbai were inexplicably humid. I felt like ripping the sleeveless tunic I was wearing off my body. I could have worn something else if there wasn't any work today.
There were a lot more children on the road than usual since it was the start of summer vacation. Summers were the most fun when I was a kid and it was even more special since it was our birthday month. We had celebrations and parties every week and all in all, it was the most fun time ever.
Pranav pulled the car in front of a florist's shop. "Four small bouquets of white lilies please," he placed the order to the lady who was sitting at the counter outside the shop. The lady went inside to get our orders and while we turned to Pranav in surprise.
"We're really going there?" Chirag asked him.
"Mhm," Pranav's fingers drummed over the steering wheel, "Since Shay is restarting her investigation over the case officially, I thought that we should visit her together."
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out of it. I looked away and watched the sky from the window, trying to blink the tears that were threatening to drop from my eyes.
The car moved again, this time, the ride was silent. Chirag placed a bouquet on my lap and patted my back. I passed him a wry smile and looked away again as I watched Pranav pulling his car at a not so familiar place.
Central Cemetery.
The moment I stepped out of the car, the light breeze and the gentle whispers of the wind calmed my soul, though the feeling of light eeriness never simmered.
I had never been to a cemetery.
It was the only place where I had not been with the three of them, I was never really ready for it. So many times— so many fucking times I had just stared at the gate of the cemetery after Ruhi died but never had the guts to go inside.
The guilt that I held within me never let me visit her.
And even eight years later, I still don't possess that strength to go in.
I held the bouquet closer to my chest as I watched Adi and Pranav go in as if it was normal for them.
"You know," Chirag's guttural voice came from my right as he stood beside me, "even I did not visit her often," he paused, "until I met Diya."
I craned my neck to look up at him only to notice the giddy smile he had on his face. "What?" Chirag looped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.
"Pranav and Adi were coping in their own ways— they visited her often. But you and I just couldn't visit. Although I visited her yearly on her birthday, you did not visit her and we don't blame you for that. Like you, I still struggle with that day and till today, I couldn't shake off the image of her burning," I took in a sharp breath and shakily let it out. Chirag rubbed the side of my arm as he continued, "I used to work like crazy when I joined our business just to forget that day. I had never felt so helpless watching all of us crumbling down in our grief. I was lost— so lost that I had no idea where I was leading in life. And then Diya happened."
The sun was shining brightly and the birds were chirping around. As Chirag progressed with his words, the uneasiness within me was slowly fading away.
"It was Ruhi's birthday and I decided to pay her a visit after a long time. And there in the florist's shop, I met Diya," a warm smile spread across his lips at the mention of his wife. "My life changed that day. I got a purpose, an aim and of course, love. I realised that we don't have to wait for things to get all right. We have to set them right. And it's all because of Ruhi. She's watching for all of us and helping us out. After she died, you took the hardest and nothing was okay, even with your parents. You were struggling every day, every second. But then your marriage with Vihaan happened. Though it was unexpected, it set you free and somewhere you came out of that depression. That marriage was a boon and she made it happen. She has been waiting for you for so long. Go ahead, Akanksha Chauhan, for Ruhi Parekh has been waiting for her best friend for eight years. Promise her the justice that you'll seek for her. Promise her that you'll bring her to peace."
And with that my feet made their way inside the cemetery. The eeriness that I had felt was long gone and I felt calm and peaceful. I held onto Chirag's hand as he led the way and helped me climb up the stony path.
There were trees around, hiding the graves under its shed. There were flowers everywhere— it made the place calm and serene. The silence was peaceful and I almost felt at ease.
From a distance, I saw Pranav and Aditya standing and praying. I stopped in my tracks while I held Chirag's hand really tight. Chirag stopped ahead of me and turned to look at me in question. My eyes were clogged with tears and I shook my head, refusing to go further. He squeezed my hand and blinked his eyes in reassurance. He pulled me towards her grave without paying any heed to my protest.
We came to stand behind Pranav and Aditya who were paying their respects. My eyes automatically went over to the stone which had her name carved in beautiful calligraphy, the sides which were decorated in carvings of beautiful flowers.
There was her name and dates of her birth and death but my eyes went over to the epitaph that was engraved over the tombstone.
Here lies Ruhi Marissa Parekh, a dutiful daughter, sister and friend, who loved and was loved.
"Ruhi's parents allowed Pranav to suggest the epitaph," Aditya said as he stood beside me, giving Chirag the space to offer his prayers. "You were still unconscious at the hospital," he added further. I had missed her funeral. Another thing that was added to my list of regrets.
My heart always clenched in pain thinking about that time. I was so sad, angry and upset at the same time. The least I could do was attend her funeral and offer my support to her family but I was at the hospital, unconscious from a bullet wound.
I remember being so hysterical the day I woke up, I had gone completely mad. Somedays, I could still hear my own screams mixed with hers making me unable to sleep.
"Go, it's your turn," Pranav patted my back and pushed me forward near her. "You don't have to say anything aloud. She can still hear you even if you say inside your mind," I flashed him a smile and shook my head, walking to take a seat over the hardened root of the tree where he previously sat. I don't need to say everything in my mind.
I already had said a lot in my mind. Today, I just wanted to let all those feelings out.
Just like Ruhi would have loved, her grave was under a huge tree, giving her shade and calmness. The tree had giant roots that came above the ground, which gave space for people to sit.
Every ounce of it was a representation of her, showing how much she adored nature. Placing the bouquet over her grave, my fingers went up to trace her name over the stone, feeling every letter, as if I was feeling her.
It has been a long time, Ru.
I could hear the rustle of leaves as if she was encouraging me to say further. Taking that as the cue, I started to speak.
"Every time I passed by this cemetery, I had always wondered when I would be able to meet you. I did not possess that courage to face you and because I feared that you would never forgive me for forgetting what I saw that day, that could have brought you justice. I couldn't be the best friend you wished you had. I always saw you haunting me in my dreams and never pacifying me. Was that because I never visited you?" Pranav, Aditya and Chirag sat around me and I smiled at their support.
"I am sorry for not visiting you. I know I am a coward for doing that but never question my love for you. Speaking of love, I am married, Ru," I told, flashing my mangalsutra as if she was watching it. "His name is Vihaan. Do you remember saying that I would score a handsome arrogant man? Guess what, I really did," I chuckled, sniffling as continuous tears streamed from my eyes. "Though he's quite obnoxious at times, he's really good at heart and loves me a lot. You would have been really happy if you had met him."
I paused as I tried to control the tears that were continuously running down my face. There was so much to say yet only a few lines came out of my mouth.
Pranav, Aditya and Chirag hugged me, their warmth and support seeping through me. "I don't know if you know that it should have been me instead of you that day. All of this that I have is your blessing and I owe all of it to you," Fisting a handful of soil in my palms, I continued, "I am very grateful for the life you have given me and for that, I promise that your killer wouldn't escape from my clutches. I pledge on the soil of your grave that I would bring you and all those girls to justice, by hook or by crook. I love you Ruhi. And the day I will win this fight, I, Pranav, Adi and Chirag will build a garden in your name. That's my promise."
A gust of wind kissed my cheeks and I smiled, touching my cheek where I had just felt the brush of the wind.
I know you heard it all, Ruhi.
Glossary:
Mangalsutra: Nuptial Chain
Elaichi: Cardamom
Down with another chapter. I always think that this book's hero is Akanksha, hence there's always more of her and her mental well being. Love is there but what she needs the most is the closure from her past. Do not worry if you didn't see any of Vihaan in this chapter. He's going to make an appearance in the further chapters so stay tuned for that.
I don't know why but I felt like showing my idea of the four— Akanksha, Chirag, Pranav and Aditya at Chirag's wedding. So here comes an Instagram post from Chirag's account.
If you like this chapter, please VOTE AND COMMENT. Comment a heart letting me know that you loved this chapter.
How's March treating you so far?
With Love,
Akii.