The wiser you may be,
The harder it can be to see,
In this world made of stone
Such a long, long way to go
Such a long way from home.
When I wake the next day, Minnie's not there and her bed hasn't been slept in.
A brief wave of panic is quickly replaced with indignation. If she thinks staying out all night will make me change my mind about staying in Hamburg, she's got another think coming.
I get up and throw my clothes on, intending to go and look for her when I catch my reflection in the mirror of the bedroom. I'm wearing the same as I did yesterday, which I thought looked good at the time, but now I've met Astrid I feel frumpy again. She's so chic and stylish. The clothes she wears look so... so modern. Sharp and sophisticated and... well, grown up, whereas me and even Minnie, we look like kids in comparison. I toy with the idea of asking her where she gets her things from before I remember we're leaving and I probably won't see her again.
Grabbing my jacket, I rush down the stairs of the hostel, get to the front door and stop in my tracks. I drop back into the shadows of the doorway again and peer out, careful to stay hidden.
George is waiting outside. He gingerly places one foot in front of the other as he treads along the edge of the bottom step of the stairs that lead up to the hostel's doorway. He's wearing the same leather jacket as he had yesterday. It hangs open as he hold his arms out to balance like a tightrope walker. He accidentally slips off the side of it so he returns to the end of the step and tries again.
I watch him for a moment before reasoning that if I want to get out of here, I'll have to go past him. I skip down the steps with as much confidence as I can muster.
George stops and looks up. 'Hi...' he says.
'Have you seen Minnie?' I ask him brusquely, stopping two steps above him. 'She didn't come back here last night.'
'Yeah, she stayed at ours,' he replies. 'She had Stu's bed when Stu went back with Astrid.'
I roll my eyes, muttering, 'Bloody typical,' under my breath. I try to move past George, but he catches my arm.
'Uh, I was...' he starts then drops my arm and sticks his hands into his jeans pockets. 'Can I talk to you for a minute?'
'I think we had a lifetimes worth of that yesterday, George. What's left to say?'
'I don't know. I just don't want to leave it like this.'
I sigh shortly. 'Alright. Go on then.'
'Not here. Let's go somewhere.'
Ten minutes later we were sitting in a steam filled café, not dissimilar the ones at home in Liverpool. I feel a strange twist in my stomach, as I realise I can't call that home anymore. I lean my head on my hand, and rub a gap in the foggy condensation on the window next to our table so I can see the street outside. The sky is a lot clearer today, bright and crisp, but it's still cold. This part of the city is busy. Lots of cars and people hurrying around.
George is waiting at the counter to order us some coffee. He's got his back to me so I can watch him without him knowing. I wonder what he wants. He made himself pretty clear yesterday. I suddenly feel incredibly sad. A week ago I'd been totally in love with this boy - or so I'd thought. Now that was all over. Shattered in an instant.
George comes over to the table with two cups of coffee balanced on a tray with a small jug of milk. He sets it down and slides into the chair opposite me.
'I didn't know you could speak German,' I say, as George rubs the condensation off the window on his side too.
'Only a bit,' he said. 'Hardly anything really. Paul and I did German at the Inny. If I'd known it would come in handy, I would have paid more attention.' He gives me a small smile and turns to look out of the window.
I look at his hands, wrapped around his coffee cup. I'd always liked his hands. They are big and smooth, with slightly calloused fingertips from hours of guitar playing. I remember what is was like when he used to hold my hand, always gripping it firmly. I realise I'm staring at him and sit back in my seat, glancing around the café instead.
'I wanted to tell you...' George says, still looking out of the window. 'I'm sorry about yesterday.' He turns around to me and our eyes meet. He has beautiful deep brown eyes. Soulful eyes, my grandmother would have said.
'Okay,' I reply, hesitantly.
George shifts his weight awkwardly. 'So... you don't have to go if you don't want to...' He speaks so quietly, staring down into his coffee cup, I can only just hear him.
'I know.'
He looks up.
'I want to leave. There's not much to stay around here for.'
George purses his lips, but doesn't reply. He goes back to his window staring.
'Why are you so angry with me, George?' I ask him, trying not to make it sound like an accusation. 'Is it because we just turned up here, out of the blue?'
'I'm not angry with you.'
'You're acting like it.'
'It's not that. It's...' he stops himself and turns back from the window. 'Minnie wants you to stay,' he says, sounding petulant.
'Did she say that to you?' I ask, rolling my eyes.
'She thought if I came and found you, talked to you, then you'd probably change your mind and the both of you can stay.'
'So, this was Minnie's idea then? Not yours?'
He gives a short nod. 'I told her this was pointless,' he adds, almost muttering.
'Minnie sent you here then?' I can't stop the anger rising in my voice. Does Minnie really think I'm that easy to manipulate? She can send George in, coached to say the right words and then I'll just roll over? 'It's always what she wants,' I say, incensed. 'Never mind what I might want. Never mind what I feel. So long as Minnie's bloody happy. Do you know she told me to stay away from you, not to get too attached? Because she wanted to leave Liverpool and you would have been a complication.' George is looking at me strangely, surprised. 'Now she wants us back together because that suits her better. It's just so she can stay here with John.'
'I didn't mean...'
'Did she or did she not send you here?'
'Well, yes but, I... She -'
But I'm not listening to him anymore. I'm on my feet, rushing out of the cafe, meaning to find Minnie and give her a piece of my mind. If she wants to stay in Hamburg so badly, she can stay here on her own.
I have to stop when I reach the street. I followed George to the café and now I'm not sure which way it is back. George catches up with me.
'Hannah, wait -' he says as he joins me on the footpath. 'I didn't mean it like that - '
'Oh, shut up, George! Just shut up!' I shout at him. 'I don't care anymore, okay? I don't care what you did or why. I'm fed up of thinking about all this. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Just tell me which way is the Reeperbahn?'
He looks cowed, scolded, and I nearly soften, but I'm so furious with Minnie, I steel myself against it.
'Which way?' I demand.
George doesn't speak, he just points to the left, so I set off walking. George pauses a moment then follows me, walking alongside me. We walk quickly, in silence. If I glance sideways at George, he's never looking at me. He walks along, fists jammed in pockets, brow furrowed and a black expression on his face, which kind of makes me more mad. What does he have to be so cross about?
It's a twenty minute walk to the Reeperbahn, and it's hard to keep this up for that long. I feel like I'm going to cry by the time we arrive, but I'm determined not to give either him or Minnie the satisfaction. As soon as I recognise where we are I start to run.
George jogs after me, catching up with me at the corner of the building. He grabs hold of my arm and pulls me back, pushing me against the wall.
'Wait, just wait, will you?' he says, sounding agitated. 'Minnie did say I should come and find you this morning and ask you to stay, but I wanted to as well. I don't want you to go, Hannah.'
He's standing so close to me that for a fleeting moment I think he's going to kiss me. He stares at me for a few seconds too long, then drops my arm and steps back.
'Won't you stay? Please?' he asks, more calmly.
I swallow hard, knowing that if I try and talk I'm going to burst into tears. I just shake my head at him and back away, turning when I find the door to the back of the building.
I can hear voices and laughing coming from the bedroom. Minnie is sitting on one of the beds in between John on her left and Rory Storm on her right. They're having to sit close together to all fit on. Minnie's laughing, her knees drawn up to her chest.
'No, no way,' she says, gasping for air, she's laughing so hard. Her laughter makes my anger flare up again.
'Hannah!' John says as I enter room. 'Hannah will know. Han, what's Minnie short for?'
'Willamena,' Rory says, he's laughing too. 'Isn't it? Minnie is short for Willamena. I knew a Willamena from Bootle. Everyone called her Minnie.'
Minnie shakes her head. 'Don't tell them, Hannah.'
'Winifred?' John contributes.
'No,' Minnie says, laughing harder. 'Winifred?!'
'Come on,' Rory says. 'I told you my name.'
'More fool you then.'
'Minerva,' I say flatly.
'Minerva!' John repeats and he and Rory fall into fits of laughter.
'Oh, thanks, Hannah. For fucks sake.' Minnie struggles off the bed, stepping towards me. 'Either of you start calling me Minerva and it'll be the last word you ever say!'
'Where have you been?' I demand, my voice low.
She turns to me, noticing the tone of my voice. 'Here, where you left me,' she says lightly.
'We're leaving today.'
Her mouth twists. 'Didn't George find you? He...' Minnie looks past me to where George has followed me inside. He waits in the corridor outside the room. 'Mission failed, eh, George?' she says to him.
'He told me you put him up to it. Just so you can stay here with -' I look over at Rory and John. They've stopped laughing but they've still both got silly expressions on their faces, unsure about what's happening.
'George!' Minnie yells. George looks at her and then me and then turns and walks away. 'Nice going, George!' Minnie shouts after him. She turns back to me. 'That's not what...'
'You've always got to have your own way, haven't you?' I say cutting her off. 'Stay here if you want to, Minnie. I'll go without you.'
'Don't be daft, Han.' She tries to reach for my hand. I snatch it away from her.
'No, fuck off, Minnie. I might even go back to Liverpool.'
'Now you're being ridiculous.'
'It was you who said we should leave in the first place.'
She pouts sulkily. 'Yeah, but I thought you'd make up with George, didn't I?'
'So you didn't mean it?'
'Oh come on, Hannah. You don't really want to go either.'
'Where do you get off interfering with me and George?'
'Why are you being such a bitch?'
'Me?!'
'Hey, girls, take it easy,' Rory says.
'Sod off, Alan,' Minnie rounds on him.
'Don't get in the way when two women are fightin', la,' John says to him with a leery grin.
'You can fuck off too,' Minnie spits at him. She glares at me. 'Get your stuff then. We'll leave.'
'Don't bother. Stay here. I don't want to go anywhere with you. I'm going alone.'
'Yeah, why don't you fuck off home to Daddy then,' she says with real venom.
We stare at each other, then I turn and run from the room. I keep running, not really caring where I'm going, until I find I've reached the pier. I sit down heavily on a near by bench and finally allow myself to cry.
After a while, it gets really cold. I go and find a small coffee bar further along the road and buy myself a drink with the few coins I have on me. I sit down wondering what to do. I don't want to run into Minnie again, so I decide to avoid the Reeperbahn and the hostel. I stay out all day instead, walking around Hamburg. I guess that Minnie will probably go and watch the bands when they start playing in the evening, so it should be safe to venture back to the hostel then. I decide I will pack my stuff, take some of the money from where Minnie's hidden it and then in the morning I will get the train back to the Hook Of Holland. I've no intention of going back to Liverpool, but I think I want to go back to England.
By late afternoon I'm tired of walking around. Hamburg is a beautiful, big city but I'm not really in the mood to sight see. I wander back to the pier and sit on a bench, huddled up against the cold and watch the water.
'Hannah?' a voice says behind me. I whip my head around to see Astrid, Stu and another boy I haven't met before, walking along the pier. 'I said it was her,' Astrid says to the two boys and breaking away from them, comes to sit with me on the wooden bench. 'Hi,' she says to me, brightly. 'Are you coming to the club?'
I look at her and then to the other two. 'No,' I say quietly. 'Not tonight.' Annoyingly, and embarrassingly, tears spring to my eyes. I wipe at them with the cuff of my jacket and turn away.
'Oh,' Astrid says, putting her hand on my arm. 'What's wrong?'
I shake my head. 'Nothing. I just had an argument with my sister.'
'Ah, I see.' She looks over to where Stu and their friend wait. 'You go on,' she says to them. 'We will catch up later.'
Stu gives a short nod and he and the other boy leave. When they've walked a short distance away, Astrid turns back to me. 'Are you hungry?'
I'm about to say no, but I find myself nodding. I haven't actually eaten anything all day.
'Come on,' Astrid says. 'Come with me.'
'Ta-da!' Astrid says, presenting me with a mirror. 'What do you think?'
I examine my reflection. Astrid has spent best part of the last hour cutting my hair for me, after I told her I liked how she wore hers. I'm not quite brave enough to wear it as short as she does, so she's cut it to just about shoulder length, and added a fringe in. I run my newly short jagged fringe through my fingers. It springs up slightly.
'That will go down after time,' Astrid says. 'It is because it was heavy and now it is light.'
I smile at her. 'It's great. Thank you.'
Astrid smiles at me. 'Really? You think?'
I nod. It does actually look quite good, but I can't escape noticed how horrifying I look otherwise. My eyes are still red and puffy. I hand the mirror back to her. Astrid looks at me sympathetically. 'Don't be sad, Hannah,' she says. 'You will make it up with Minnie.'
'I don't know if I will.'
'You will. She is your sister.'
'Don't I know it,' I say ruefully and Astrid looks confused. I shake my head to show it doesn't matter.
She frowns, troubled. 'And with George too.'
I sigh. 'I don't think so, Astrid.'
Astrid drove us back to her home again in her cute little Beetle car for something to eat. I ended up pouring my heart out to her - telling her as much as I could, as I dared, about leaving home, coming here, George, Minnie. She listened, not interrupting, until I'd finished. 'You must stay here tonight,' she said. 'Things will look better in the morning.'
'Don't you want to go back into town?' I asked her. 'To see Stu? I'm sorry, I've kept you here all night, wining and complaining.'
'They will play again tomorrow,' Astrid said simply. 'And Stuart will think to come back here when he realises I'm not there.'
I accepted her invitation. We sat in her room, on the rug in the middle of the floor, listening to music and talking, and then cutting my hair.
'I just don't see that can be right,' Astrid says. 'George was... George liked you very much. Why would he say to stay if he didn't want you to?'
I shrug. 'I don't know. I don't understand anything about him anymore.'
We hear the front door downstairs opening and Astrid's eyes light up. She jumps up and rushes out of the room, returning with Stu a couple of minutes later.
'I wondered what had happened to you,' he says, coming into the room. He sits down on the bed to take his shoes off.
'Hannah was upset,' Astrid says. 'She didn't want to go to the club so we came home.'
Stu looks at me. 'Your sister's going spare. She thinks you've run off.'
'Well, she can think it,' I reply sulkily and Stu laughs.
'What is going spare?' Astrid asks.
'Going mad,' Stu explains. 'Seriously though, Hannah. She was threatening to call the police. I said you'd be with Astrid but she's got it in her head that you've either jumped off the pier or hitch hiked to Berlin.'
I roll my eyes. 'Serves her right if she's worried.'
'Oh dear,' Astrid says. 'Perhaps we'd better go back into town.'
'You go,' Stu says, yawning. 'I'm knackered.' He lies back on the bed, putting the pillow behind his head.
'Get up, oaf,' Astrid says, playfully kicking at his ankle.
'It's okay,' I say. 'We'll go back in the morning. Minnie can stew for a bit.'
'You're sure?' Astrid asks and I nod.
Astrid fetches some blankets and spare pillows and I make a makeshift bed on the floor of her bedroom. Stu is sleeping in the room next door. It's late but I lie awake for a while. My mind wanders back to Liverpool. I feel oddly home sick, but I don't know why. I don't want to go home no more than Minnie would. In fact, the thought of going back to the house in Allerton fills me with horror. Still, Liverpool was home. All I've known, so familiar. From the docks to the cathedrals, Lime Street Station to Sefton Park. Now I don't have anywhere I can call home.