"Crawling down from high hopes to the ground. Trouble sings along..."
♫ Run cried the crawling by Agnes Obel
TW: Death.
✰ ✰ ✰
For nineteen years of my life, every passing day was the same until I met Bloody Valentine and all of my friends.
I would sit in my room for hours upon hours on end, hostage like a prisoner, restless and daydreaming that I had a tranquil, peaceful existence instead of the one I was given.
A life without college or church, a life without praying or ethical obligations that wore down my soul and shredded its' worth.
A life, not without no responsibility, but rather a life that held less weight on me to uphold the standards of a person I'd never be able to please.
And I would never-ever-ever be able to please my mother.
For nineteen years, I lived my life by her rules and I tried.
I flipped bible pages to memorize sermons until my nimble fingers bled.
I raised my younger brother from the time he was born because I 'needed to learn how to be a good caretaker.'
I covered up every inch of my body to appease her eyes and remove those of my step-father who was long forgotten.
I apologized after every sentence, and tore myself down to make sure she was always right, because mother knew best, mother was best. Right?
It was okay for my mother to call me a slut at age ten, a whore at age fifteen, a burden at seventeen, a nuisance at eighteen, and a poor excuse for a daughter at nineteen. Right?
Yeah, for a long time I thought so too.
But I knew better, and for the first time in my life I didn't watch my back for her.
I ignored my own mother because being around her was so insufferable.
I wished for so long that I could be reborn and replaced into what she wanted because I was never good enough.
And instead, I was rearranged into someone I, for once, liked. I was learning to love who I was and it was because of me, I did it.
Mother wasn't best, mother didn't know best, I knew best, I was best.
I was the one who was able to transform dreary colorless days into something I could survive in. I was the one who decided to abandon the cruel chains she'd tied me to and take a chance.
I changed my everyday.
I didn't wake up sad anymore and I didn't give a fuck about her.
But the saying did go: You don't know what you've got until it's gone.
"Cherry! Cherry!"
I was being jolted in my sleep and I peeled my eyes open, turning my head and letting my vision adjust to my brother on the side of my bed, crying and looking around in a panic.
I glanced at the window for a split second to see that it was morning, but it was probably around four or five with how light it was.
"What? Kiwi... what is it?" I asked, sitting up and forcing myself awake with a rub of my eyes.
"Mom won't get up! She wo-won't wake up!"
"What?" I asked, just genuinely confused as I heard Morris crying, howling and whining in the distance. "Where is she? What do you mean she won't wake up?"
"On the kitchen floor! She won't wake up! P-please!" He cried.
I felt my stomach drop and I snatched the covers over my body, running out of the room and down the stairs.
Passing by family photographs lined up on the wall that would soon gather dust.
My head whipped to the side as I saw my mom lying on the kitchen floor, the bottle of pills I saw her take nearly every morning for her heart problems, in her hand.
Morris was by her feet, crying and nudging her ankle with his nose.
"Ollie..." I said in horror, "Call 911! Get the phone in the living room and don't come in the kitchen! C-call 911, okay?!" I shouted, sprinting towards the kitchen and dropping straight onto my knees.
Bruises that would later turn a deep shade of red, only reminding me of this day for many days after.
"Mom, m-mom wake up." I said, darting my eyes all over her lifeless body and shaking her loose shoulders.
I never wanted my mom to die.
I felt my eyes brim with tears as I grabbed her face, shaking it in hopes that it would come back to life, "M-mom! Mom, get up! Wake up!"
I just wanted her to be my mom.
"My name is O-Oliver Anderson and my mama needs help. We live at 2913 21st Ave S..."
I wanted her to be Ollie's mom.
"Mom! Mom, get up! What did you do?! What did you do?!" I sobbed, leaning into her body and clutching her shirts as I felt and heard no pulse. Her body was cold, who knew how long she'd been lying there.
I wanted her to love me like she promised to.
I pulled back again, praying this was a dream as I brushed the hair from her face, "Mom! Get up! P-please, don't leave me...please wake up."
Wanting, however, was futile.
Wanting couldn't save me, wouldn't save me, and didn't save her.
Her body was lifeless and my breathing was ragged, struggling to find some grip on her that would throw me back into reality. I wanted it to be a dream, I wanted it to be okay, I wanted her to be okay. But, that was only naive. I knew what had happened and I knew that yet again, I'd watched another parent die.
I couldn't have stopped crying if I tried and I didn't.
Every breath I took felt sharp, cutting into my throat and pouring out the blood of a heavy sob.
Every time I closed my eyes was just a reminder that everything in my life had turned into darkness.
I'd have given my life to save my mom at that moment.
To save my brother from the torment and nightmares that he would surely have from finding her alone? I'd give anything.
You don't ever think that your last conversation with your mother is gonna be your last and at that moment, I couldn't remember our last one.
Had we argued? Had she told me to be careful? Had she given me a piece of advice or warned me to never take life for granted? Had she tried to tell me she was gonna do this?
Did she do it?
I couldn't remember and on top of the sounds of my brother's cries that were just a bit softer than mine, I found myself struggling to focus. I couldn't do anything.
The only thing that snapped me back to reality was the paramedics, police, and ambulance getting there to push me out of the way and see if she was savable.
I was moved out of the way to the living room, holding my brother in my arms while they took her pulse and tried to resuscitate her.
Even though I knew it was pointless, even though I knew she was gone and even though I myself have had many suspicions in the past, I'd prayed harder than I ever had.
Praying was useless though, it never did me any good.
She was carried out of the house in a body bag thirty minutes later.
My uncle Matt had arrived then as well and I soon learned that my brother had called him out of fear right after he called the police. He got here as fast as he could from the airport, he'd just gotten back into town.
We'd been through this before and Matt knew that, which was why he didn't try to tell me that it was gonna be okay, he didn't try to tell me that we would be alright with time because he'd already lost his brother once and he knew the drill.
He just hugged my brother and spoke to the police while I stood in the street, watching them drag my mother away in an ambulance. Away from the home from which she'd never, ever return.
And it was all eyes on me.
Like prey, our neighbors all watched my grievance as if it was their business. Whispers and stares that made me want to scream. They had a front-row ticket to my mourning and the curtain had just drawn.
The snow blanketed the area around us late that morning too, as if it were protection. I hated that it was something I enjoyed, happening on such an awful day.
But, I found comfort in the cold.
"Cherry... honey, let's go back to my place," Matt snuck up behind me, offering a warm hand on my back that only stung, "You shouldn't stay here."
"N-no. No." I shut my eyes, freezing in my place and begging my thoughts to pull themselves together, form a sentence. "No... t-take Oliver and just go. I'm... I'm gonna stay here."
"Are you sure?"
Not a bit.
"Go," I whispered, slowly turning around and staring at the front door as I walked towards it. My hands were numb, my brain blocking out every sound including my brother who called my name not once but twice.
I blinked and I was upstairs half an hour later, sitting at my father's desk in my mother's room.
Truth be told, I was interested in looking through both of their things.
But, I couldn't bring myself to touch anything. I could feel the presence of my mother in the air, her fingerprints indented into everything like a reminder.
The phone rang off the hook. Koi calling, Niko calling from New York with Mikey, Jess calling, Naomi calling, Kristen calling.
I just let it ring.
I didn't have any tears to cry or hugs to reciprocate.
So I drank, and luckily for me, my mom wasn't a woman who followed every rule that she said she did, every religious consequence that she'd warned me about, scolded me about my whole life and kept a bottle of brandy downstairs with the cleaning supplies that I'd dare never touch.
It was an empty house, there wasn't anything else to do except drink and I drank the day away without realizing it.
What motivated me to was, wanting to feel alive again like I had these past couple of weeks and I'd wished I could've kept that happiness for just a little while longer.
Instead I was stuck in a misery loop.
Days past. Four.
They were all blurred together and I spent them all inside my bedroom, waiting for something else to go wrong.
Morris stayed at the foot of my bad and I offered him cuddles every once in a while but he seemed to be my support rather than the opposite.
I'd texted Arthur telling him that I wasn't coming to work for the next week and he told me that Peter wouldn't allow that.
So I quit.
Might as well, have. My life was just one big comedy show with an audience somewhere that begged for encore after encore.
On the bright side of things, a letter came in the mail two days later with insurance information about my mother's will.
How she got so much money I didn't know, but she'd left me every penny. The house and her car as well.
$800,000.
That was more than enough to pay off the house and live for a while. I was not a spendy girl, I managed money well.
For the first time in my life, I had money.
So, drunkenly, I bought a bouncy castle.
"Yeah, that's fine! Just put it on the front lawn - yeah, right there. Good." I said to the delivery men, plopping down on my ass in the driveway to watch them blow it up. I took several gulps of the vodka that I'd bought and relished in the way it burned my throat as my ass froze over from the snow underneath it.
Tossing the empty bottle to the side onto the grass, I sighed and laid back onto the snow in my driveway, soaking the clothes that I hadn't changed in four days.
Then, a head popped up in my vision.
"Cherry?"
I stared up at the sky, my eyes focusing on the figure to decipher who it was, and it wasn't until he walked to the side of me that I grew with annoyance, throwing my hands up, "Oh, not the butcher!"
"I'm sorry?" Jess asked, scoffing slightly.
I stood up from the ground with my feet in fluffy bunny slippers, "Go the fuck home, Jess for god's sake, can't you see I'm busy?..."
"Are-are you drunk? Cherry, it's eleven in the morning. I'm not going anywhere, you ditched me. I want an explanation, what the fuck?"
"What part about go away do you not understand?" I asked, slurring my words and feeling them blend together on my tongue as I shoved him away one time, "I don't wanna see you... just go..."
"Cherry, what the hell? Is-is that a bounce house? What?-"
"Go....home!" I shouted, "This is my bounce house and you don't get to jump in it!"
"I want an explanation." He snapped, pushing my hands away from him and standing his ground. "I ditched you first, I get that but if this is some cruel way of getting me back then... that's stupid! I waited for you for hours...I called, I texted, then you quit your job?"
"Peter wouldn't let me have the week off, so I quit, oh my god, cry about it." I tilted my head back and drifted away from him a little bit.
Jess grabbed my arm and turned me around to face him again, "Baby, are you okay? What's going on?"
"Don't touch me?" I snapped, ripping my arm off of him and stepping back from him. "Go home, how many times do I have to tell you!? Leave! Now!"
Someone didn't get the dead mom memo.
Fucking idiot.
"Hey! Is there a problem here?"
"Oh my..." I rolled my eyes at the sound of Harlow's voice and turned around in a circle with my hands out.
Frustrated, I whispered at the sky, "A dead mom and now two annoying men - really? That's what we're going with?"
Jess cleared his throat "We were just talking-"
"Really? Cause it looks like you're harassing her." Harlow countered, stepping in his face and pointing his cigarette at him. "You heard her. Go home, baby."
"What are you, her new boyfriend?" Jess sized him up and then looked back at me, "Is that why you fucking ditched me? For this assface that you told me you didn't like?-"
"What the fuck did I just tell you, bro? Leave," Harlow pointed toward his car with a lazily disgusted face, "Before there's really a problem and I end up curb stompin' your bitchass."
"Ugh, not my problem." I didn't have the energy to deal with either of them, so I just spun on my heal and walked down my driveway, "Ooo!" I grew excited by the sight of my bounce house almost fully inflated, "You guys sure did do a good job! Here!"
I pulled cash out of my bra and paid both of the men, "Tip for you, tip for you, I'm rich now so Merry Christmas!"
They stared down at the money with a 'not bad' face and I skipped away toward the bounce house.
"Get the fuck outta here, man, I'm not gonna tell you again!" I could hear Harlow still arguing with Jess but I forgot all about them and focused on the bounce house.
I kicked off my bunny slippers and crawled inside, bouncing down onto my butt with a giddy laugh, "Woohoo!... best decision ever, Cherry, go you."
I fell back against the smooth bounce house floor on my back and spread out wide in ecstasy.
I wanted to live in it, and it made me happier than anything had in the past week.
But not for long.
"Knock knock."
I heard a slap against the plastic of the bounce house and I opened my closed eyes, "Mmm, who's there?"
"Harlow."
"Harlow who?" I countered.
"It's just Harlow - can I come in or not?"
"I don't know an owl named Harlow!" I shouted, closing my eyes and then laughing to myself. "I don't know any owls!"
"Alright, I'm coming in." I heard him groan and I felt the slight thump of his feet into the space.
"Hey, I didn't say you could come in!" I sat up like I was rising from the dead, "Get the hell outta here, dude!"
"No, what're you doing and... why did you buy a bouncy castle again?" Harlow zipped up the bounce house and looked around at the castle.
"Because I can buy a bounce castle if I want to? Duh."
Harlow tilted his head at me, "Cherry... you and I both know that's not why you bought a bounce house." The look of sympathy he was giving me made me sick, "Is this about your mo-"
"Uhhh, mm-mm..." I whined, shaking my head and pulling my body up from the floor of the bounce house as my eyes squeezed shut with my nose crinkled in disgust. I ruffled my hair to make the memories go away before I looked back up at him. "I don't wanna talk about it, let's just not talk about it, alright? Um-wanna jump? Come on! I bet I can go higher than you."
"Cherry-"
"Shoes?!" My eyes caught onto his dirty red converse on the floor of the bounce castle, "No shoes in the castle, you neanderthal! Take them off, you're gonna make it dirty!" I screamed, "Take them off! Off! Now!"
"Okay... okay..." He whispered, kicking them off very easily and then unzipping the house to throw them out.
My anxiety was calmed and I returned to normal, beginning to bounce around in the house. "Hey guess what, this only cost four hundred dollars for the weekend, can you believe that? I think I might throw a party in here for fucks sake. Would you come? It's winter but someone else is gonna wanna bounce, right?"
"Four hundred-how'd you afford it?" Harlow asked, "That's-"
"Why aren't you bouncing? Bounce! It's a bounce house, bounce you fool!" I yelled, clenching my fists at my side and scowling at him. I'd paused my own bouncing momentarily and Harlow took a long blink before he nodded and started bouncing.
I resumed. "I have a lot of money now, that's how. Mommy dearest paid her dues. I have $799,282.75 to be exact! Do you want a bounce house? Or a car? How about a new drum set or new sticks? I can get them engraved for you like you had them before!"
Harlow bounced closer to me, "Cherry, how much have you drank? You reek of brandy, filthy girl."
"Alcohol!" I gasped, pausing my bouncing to stare at him, "You're twenty-one, right?"
"The fuck? I'm not buying you anymore alcohol-"
"Please? I need it for the party! Harlow, come on! I'll pay for it all! I just need your age and face." I said, bouncing a little in anticipation. "We can go right now! I need some things from the store anyways. Do you need anything? Are you hungry? We can go by Mcdonald's or something! Oh-oh, or Red... Lobster. I've always wanted to go to Red Lobster!"
"Oh! Oh! I have an idea!" He said excitedly and I widened my eyes as he got closer to me and bent down to my level. "There's this really cool thing called a shower! Ooo...Fancy! It cleans you when you step in it!"
I glared at him for a second before rolling my eyes, "Oh boo-"
"I'm serious. You look like fucking shit and you shouldn't be drinking, not with your situation. You should be sleeping and crying in bed like everyone else when they loose a parent." Harlow advised, "And you wanna know something?"
"What..." I groaned, dropping my head back.
"I do actually need money." He said, sighing.
I lifted my head again and looked at him, "Really? What for?"
"My career as a musician is failing and... I've had to find alternative sources for revenue." He frowned, shaking his head as he looked at the ground. He looked back up at me, pretending to start crying. "I've had no choice but to become a - a cuddle whore!"
"Oh, not funny!" I laughed anyways, smacking him playfully on the arm.
"Indeed, it's not funny, in fact, it's horrible! Selling my body to men and women, working the corner day after day!" He cried, shaking his head and covering his face with his hands as he let out dramatic sobs.
They stopped and he peeked open his fingers to look at me, "But... If you'll pay me... I'll make sure to do my job very well. I'm the best in Chicago. Well, second best."
"I'm the first, right?" I put my hands on my hips, glaring at him with attitude.
"Yes, yes you're the first..." Harlow rolled his eyes and dragged himself forward to grab one hand around my waist; pressing my chest to his forcefully, "Look, I get that you're coping whatever way you're fucking coping, I'm the last one to judge, trust me. But-ignoring it won't make it go away, Cherry." He gave me a knowing look, "It's not gonna make the loss any easier. Believe me, I know."
"Yeah, well, thinking about it is worse, so..." I was trapped in his grip so I couldn't move but that didn't stop me from averting my eyes, "i'd really rather just sit all day and drink."
"Yeah, well, you're already fuckin' annoying drunk and if you get wasted, then I'll have to babysit you so, either..." Harlow trailed off as he thought about whatever it was he was thinking about, "Either you pay me to be a whore for the day, make the conscious decision to responsibly stop drinking and sleep in the bounce castle with me for the night or... I camp out in your house and annoy you until you cry."
"I'm not liking my options"
"You know, people pay good money for a cuddle whore like me. I find that disrespectful." Harlow squinted with a slightly pouted lip.
"You're not the best in town, you're cheap." I pursed my lips.
"Well, then you, rich girl, won't be paying much, will you?" Harlow grunted as he lifted me up, forcing a hard yelp from my mouth all so he could carry me.
I huffed and held on as we walked from the bounce house, "We won't have to talk about our feelings?"
"Dude- thats like, gross." Harlow scoffed, side glancing at me, "Who do you think I am?"
"Just making sure. Can we invite Koi, Kristen and Naomi too?-"
"We can invite whoever you please so long as you take a shower. Ugh, you reek."
"That's rude."
"No, what's rude is breathing in my face like that with your monster breath." Harlow cringed and walked up the steps of my house with a fake gag.
"Remember when you burped in my face?"
"Yeah, why-"
I breathed out my heavy vodka smelling breath right into his face and he coughed as we stepped in the door, "J-Jesus. Oh sweet Jesus."
I mouth 'boo-ya' and smacked his shoulders once, "You're gonna get more of that unless you put me down and leave me alone about showering!-"
"No, actually no, you're going. I'll strip you down and force you myself if I have to."
"No!"
And he did.
Well, he didn't strip me down but he did force me into the shower. He carried me all the way upstairs and tossed my body down into the tub, turning on the water until it drenched my overworn clothes.
"I'll call Naomi and Koi, have fun-oh, here." On his way out as I sat there gasping for air from the force of the cold water, Harlow stopped by the bucket of toys my brother had on a shelf and picked out a pink rubber ducky, "Let her keep you company, and encourage you to scrub your armpits!" He tossed the duck over the curtain and it hit me on the head, "I'm gonna round up blankets for the bounce house."
"Ugh."
I had no choice from then on but to do what he said.
I stripped off all of my clothes and tossed them into the hamper before I began to take a shower.
It sobered me up a bit which was disappointing to say the least, but I'd sneak alcohol when Harlow wasn't looking.
After I scrubbed my arms, legs, back and body with lavender bodywash, I washed my hair and then crawled from the hot shower to get dressed.
I slipped on a thin crop top with a little Cherry embroidered on it, some sweatpants, some fuzzy socks, and then took Harlow's warm, fluffy cardigan from off his back as he stood in the living room grabbing pillows.
"You dumped cold water on my head, the least you could do is let me borrow your sweater." I murmured, peeling it off of his shoulders to slip it onto mine, "All my clothes are piled up in the laundry anyway, I don't have any clean sweaters."
"They're in the wash."
I slowly furrowed my eyebrows, moving my wet hair away from my shoulder, "Huh?"
"God, you're so deaf, I put your clothes in the wash, Cherry." Harlow grabbed a big pile of pillows from the couch and turned around.
"You did?"
"No, I just said that because I wanted to trick you." Harlow replied sarcastically, "Not a big deal. Now hurry up and grab some fuckin' pillows, the girls are gonna be here any minute, and just because your mom died doesn't mean you don't have to help."
Even though that was an awful thing to say, I appreciated that he wasn't treating me with fragility and helped.
We carried a plethora of blankets and pillows outside to the bounce house for another five minutes or so, and then while Harlow made a big bed inside, I snuck more alcohol.
I took a big water bottle and poured Vodka into it quickly, along with cranberry juice. I was sneaky about it, but the second I took a drink, I felt a bit of relief.
"Cherry!"
I paused when I heard Harlow call my name and I turned around, closing the bottle to walk toward the front door.
I swallowed down the last sip I'd take, "What!"
"The girls are here!" As I neared the door, I saw Koi's car park in the driveway and her, getting out, along with Kristen, Mia and Naomi.
"Hey, you made it." I stopped and hugged Naomi once she got close enough, accepting a cheek kiss from her. I took that time to whisper in her ear, "Hey, did you bring weed by any chance?"
"Um," Naomi pulled back from the hug, "Yeah? I bring it everywhere, why? You wanna smoke?"
"I wanna try it tonight yeah actually. Just to take my mind off of thingss.... hi!" My eye contact and voice took a left turn when Koi came jogging over from the car to hug me too.
"Oh, my little tootsie roll, I missed you so much..." Koi's hugs were always the warmest thing on the planet, "How're you doin'? Huh? You okay? You sleeping well, and feeling alright?"
"I'm good, Koi." I was lying through my teeth, but they all knew that and I didn't care in the slightest.
Kristen and Mia both hugged me at the same time next, giving their hello's as as well, but I couldn't take it when Kristen said, "Sorry for your l-"
"Okay!" I separated from them with an awkward, uncomfortable laugh and then stood in front of all of the girls, "Uh-new rule! No dead mom talk! I get it, you feel awful, you wanna comfort me and make me feel all... skippy," I gestured with my arm, "But there is no need for skippiness! So, if you're gonna talk about my mom the whole time or pity me, or make that face," I pointed at Kristen and she dropped her worried frown, "Then just go home."
"Sorry..." Kristen mumbled.
"It's okay, really, it is, I just-I wanna have fun, right? We can have fun instead?" I looked throughout all of them.
"Sure can. Whatever you wanna do, Cherry." Naomi said.
"Yeah, and I brought wine, so, we can drink our feelings instead!" Koi smiled adorably, reaching into her bag and pulling out a big bottle.
"Yes! Uh..." I swallowed my own drink and whipped my head around to see Harlow sat in the bounce castle on his phone. I didn't want him to catch me.
I quickly whipped my head around and took the bottle, "Uh, good but let's hide this from Harlow, he's being a bitch and taking all my alcohol. You can go in the bounce house if you want while I go put this away."
"Whoa! A bounce castle!? Fun!" Mia gasped, running towards it with Kristen in her grasp.
"Hi, Harlow!" They said at the same time.
"Be right back." While the girls distracted him, I ran back inside to the kitchen and put the wine in a drawer for safe keeping so we could drink it a bit later. I grabbed redvines and chips too, ready to provide snacks for my guests in the house, but when I turned around, Naomi was walking into the room with her hands in her pockets.
"Oh hey. You want water or something to eat?" I mumbled, snagging a bag of Fritos, "I'm grabbing some snacks for you guys but, there are glasses in the-"
"Cherry, can I talk to you for a second?" Naomi took the snacks from me and set them down onto the counter.
"Um, about what?" I said, dropping my smile and getting confused by her sudden seriousness.
Naomi leaned on the counter next to me and crossed her arms with a soft sigh, "About your mom.."
My bored face turned passive, "I said I didn't wanna talk about that."
Ignoring me entirely, she spoke solemnly as if I hadn't said anything at all, "You know, when my mom died I said the same thing to a lot of people."
I grabbed my water bottle from off of the counter and took a sip. I was gonna be nice and entertain this conversation, but I wasn't gonna listen, "Oh yeah?"
"Yep. And I was younger than you are, I was seventeen, turning eighteen." Naomi nodded slowly, "It was right after I graduated and we'd had a big fight about something stupid."
I swallowed and kept my eyes across the room, "What about?"
"Well, my mom didn't want me to be a musician first of all. She wasn't supportive of my music career in the fucking slightest." Naomi shook her head at me with a wide-eyed glare, "She wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer. I mean, really, you should've seen her when I came home with face tattoos, she screamed for hours, told me I was ruining my life."
"That conversation feels familiar." I huffed under my breath.
"I'm sure it does, and you know, just like you and your mom, we had major differences. We had arguments all of the time, that was how our relationship was for years but-you wanna know what the last thing I said to her before she died was?"
"What..." I muttered.
"I told her that I wished I had a different mother." Naomi gave me a gloomy half smile, "And that... I wished I was never born into a family with someone like her."
I slowly frowned, "... That's awful."
"I know and believe me, there's nothing in my life I regret more than that." She inhaled deeply and uncrossed her arms, "But you know something? It made me learn a valuable lesson when it came time to handle that guilt."
"What lesson?"
"Think about it like a vase." She began, "You know, us people, we break, chip away parts of ourselves to numb the hurt... just so we can desperately attempt to glue the pieces back together again once we've realized we've lost ourselves, right?"
"Yeah.." I murmured.
"Right. N' it's okay to lose yourself, that's a part of life and a part of growing up. But-" Naomi paused and drifted in front of me, grasping my chin to tilt it up at her, "When it comes time to pick up the pieces, you have to learn not cut yourself on the glass."
"Let's keep a healthy distance," She added with a chuckle, "Use a broom and dustpan."
I smiled slightly but understood what she meant, "Yeah... yeah you're right. I know I shouldn't be doing all of this stuff, it's bit a self-destructive but it feels like it's the only thing I can do."
"Oh, come on, Cherry, you have a whole heap of people who care about you, to help glue you back together." She let go of my chin, "Crying? That's your decision. If you wanna drink, smoke, that's fine. Just, not too much is all I'm saying. Process your pain because pain can lead you down a dangerous path, and we don't want that, we want you to be safe. Right?"
"Thank you." Was all I could say. I'd honestly really needed to hear that.
"S'nothing. Com'ere." She sighed, wrapping her arms around my waist.
I wrapped my arms around her neck and accepted the warm hug.
I knew eventually life would go back to normal, and I knew eventually that I'd feel better about my mother's death but it was really hard for me to formulate feelings for the first time in my life because of the complicated parts of the situation.
I both hated and loved my mother, so it left me tearing myself down rather than trying to reconcile my feelings about her dying.
I had guilt about a lot.
So, she was right, I didn't wanna cut myself on the glass, but I was sure as hell gonna party safely to take my mind off of the shattered pieces at that moment.
"Alright, now let's go bounce. No more mommy talk, I swear." Naomi pulled back from the hug and grabbed the bags of snacks from the counter to help me carry them out.
"Sounds good to me."
I followed her out to the castle with the snacks to see Harlow groaning in annoyance while Koi, Kristen and Mia bounced; jolting him every which way on the floor.
"Cherryyyy! Help me!" Harlow yelled in an exasperated tone.
"Nope!" I crawled inside of the house behind Naomi, then began to jump too, "You know you wouldn't be hurting down there if you jumped too crybaby..."
"Fu-ck off..." He groaned, his voice cutting in and out as he was jolted against the squishy floor. "Sit down!"
"Bounce!" I shouted.
"You know what - you get down." He said through gritted teeth, grabbing my leg and making me stumble down onto the ground next to him. I bounced against the bottom and laughed as I set down all of the snacks.
"You too." Harlow grunted, yanking on Kristen's leg to make her fall. Then, Koi, then Mia, then missed Naomi but she stopped anyway and sat down on the other side of me.
"Oh geez, the floor is freezing, everyone under." I shivered, grabbing the huge heaping pile of around nine to ten comforters and blankets so we could all sneak under them.
In a row, it was Koi, Noami, me, Harlow, Kristen, and then Mia.
"Now this, this is a real slumber party. Except...there's a..." Mia gagged, coughing. "Man here."
I laughed and ate popcorn as I turned my head to look at Harlow, "Ew!"
"Don't worry, I won't be a bother, I'm too tired to bug you guys." Harlow scoffed, taking my pillow to lay his head on it instead.
"Hey! That's mine!" I tried to yank it back.
"Sharing is caring. Ask bedtime bear." He whispered, rolling his eyes and snatching the pillow back.
"Ugh!" I grunted, scooting towards Naomi instead and sharing her pillow.
"You're so fuckin' dramatic, my god." Harlow murmured.
"You're so dramatic." I mocked him. "Shut up, stupid."
"You first, ugly."
I dropped my jaw, "Ugly!?"
Harlow leaned his head into the pillow and laughed into it, before he turned his head again and shook it. "I'm just fucking with you, it's so easy. Jesus Christ."
"Yeah well, you're uglier." I stuck my tongue out at him.
"No... no I most certainly am not." He scoffed.
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are-"
"Not." He cut me off one last time, groaning as he grabbed my waist and yanked me back onto his pillow. I jolted but froze when he rested his hand on my stomach. "I'm begging you... quit talking."
Whatever.
"Who wants to smoke? I got joints!" Naomi said loudly, pulling three joints from her sweatpants, all in little plastic casings.
"Yes! Pass the popcorn too!" Mia said.
"Cherry's got it covered. Share with Kristen, merry fuckin' Christmas, hoe." Naomi laughed, tossing a joint to Mia as I passed the popcorn down the line.
"Koi, share with me, Cherry, you and Harlow can share," Naomi said, handing me the case and then a lighter from her pocket.
"Whoa... this is like a drug." I laughed, looking at the green "joint."
"No shit sherlock." Harlow scoffed, snatching it from me and the lighter before he put it in between his lips and lit it up.
"How do you smoke it?" I asked, mesmerized by his cheeks as he hollowed them, his puckered lips sucking in the smoke before he blew it out and then sucked it back in very quickly.
"Did you just blow it out and then take it back? What the fuck...how?" I sat up eager and curious.
"It's called ghosting, bitch, get with the program." Harlow blew the leftover smoke back to the sky and then held the joint in front of my mouth while sitting up, "Here."
I lifted my hand to take it and Harlow pulled his own away, "No, you'll take too much, let me help you. Put your mouth on it and inhale like you're taking a breath." he sat hip to hip with me, his finger clad fingers balancing the joint in between them with ease, "Go on."
I nodded and hesitantly put my lips up to the joint, sucking in fearfully.
"Little harder, don't be scared. It might burn a little bit but we've got water, you'll be fine. It's just like with the cigarette." Harlow said quietly, his fingertips touching against my lips when I did as he said, "Good, okay..." He slowly pulled his hand away, "Now hold it for a second and then blow it out."
I couldn't.
Not for even a millisecond longer. The smoke came back out when I coughed and Harlow looked disappointed.
"H-holy fuck, ew, ew." I coughed, hacking a lung out.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, drink." Naomi tossed her normal water bottle at me. I snatched it and took a big gulp.
"Try again." Harlow pulled the joint away from his mouth and held it back up to me, "C'mon, you can do it."
Fighting through the pain with determination to get high, I put my lips back up to the joint and sucked a bit harder than the last time, watching the end of the joint slowly sink away.
I must've done it for too long or too hard because Harlow had looked away for one second and then freaked out, "Oh shit! Cherry, stop, stop, stop! What're you doing?" He pulled back.
I held the smoke for a few, awful seconds and then blew it out. It hurt and left a squeaky feeling in my throat, but it was tolerable as long as I drank water, "What? What'd I do?"
"Nearly smoked a third of the joint, that's what you did, fuck." Harlow eyed me with a slightly crazy gaze, "It won't take anymore to get you high as fuck, let's just say that. Especially since it's your first time."
"No way, I only did it twice. It can't be that strong, right?..."
✰Twenty minutes later ✰
"Holy.... fuckkkk..." I whispered, laughing at the stars in the sky that looked like little eyes. "This is...so much fun...I can see them watching me."
"Who's watching you, Cherry?" Kristen asked with a giggle.
"I have....no idea, but these little shoelace candies are so good." Shoving my hand into a bag of twizzlers, I bit into one and hummed at the taste, "Mmm... I could cry, these are so delicious."
"Quit moaning." Harlow whispered under his breath, "Fucks sake..."
"Mmm..." I ignored him and kept munching, enjoying the feeling of the sweets melting on my tongue, "I'm so hungry."
"Someone's got the munchies!" Koi's voice sang to my right, "Here! Want some chocolate, toots?" She tossed over a small snickers bar that landed on my stomach.
"Yes, oh my god, I fucking loveee chocolate. Harlow, do you like chocolate?" I felt the need to ask him and I turned my head to look at him.
"Yes, I like chocolate." He grumbled.
"Do you love it? I love it.. it's so fucking goo-oh my god, you have tattoos on your fucking face...holy shit. Whattt...." I squeaked, the realization of it just hitting me so suddenly, it was fucking shocking.
I want a taco.
"This reminds me of the first time Harlow got high with me." Naomi laughed.
I could practically hear Harlow's eyes roll, "Oh shut up, would you!-"
"I want my mummy! I think I'm blind!" Naomi pretended to cry and her accent mocking Harlow was spot on considering she was actually from... wherever in England she was from.
Pizza sounds better.
The girls all busted out laughing but I was too busy chewing the caramel in my snicker to pay attention.
"Shut the fuck up!" Harlow barked. "I get paranoid, that's all."
"You can look but you can't touch... I don't think I like you much. Heaven knows what a girl can do! Heaven knows what you got to prove, I think I'm paranoid!" I shouted, singing along to the song by Garbage that was on Harlow's playlist he made me.
I turned my head towards him, "Like that? Like Garbage is paranoid?"
"How about you worry about eating your snickers." Harlow lowered his voice to a whisper.
I giggled, popping the rest of it into my mouth before I tapped his teardrop tattoo, "Boop. Lil teardrop man."
"You're so fuckin' high." A laugh escaped his mouth and he scrunched up his nose as if I'd tickled him.
"Hi..." I nodded, for some reason not being able to keep the lazy grin off my face. "Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work we go."
"You like snow white, huh?" He asked.
"Never, never, ever, never seen it! " I said, "My mom said snow white was a whore for sleeping in a house with so many men."
"She wasn't fucking the dwarves, they were like her brothers!" Koi said from the other side of the house.
"Really? - I've seen the one dwarf... Dopey? The one with the little button nose and the huge ears like - Hey! Harlow, you look like that.." I laughed.
"Do not." Harlow gasped.
"You do!" I explained, turning on my side and pointing to his ears. "You have the big ears and the pink cheeks... pretty eyelashes, they're so long. What's your secret? I want eyelashes like that." I whispered, brushing my fingers along his lashes gently and feeling how soft they were. Like feathers.
"I thought I was grumpy." A slow smile spread across his face as he closed his eyes, allowing me to play with his eyelashes.
"Y-Yeah... you are but you can be sweet sometimes... like a lemon head. Or like the grinch except without the onion breath - although that one time, your breath smelled like carrots and I had to back away because it awful!" I sang, closing my eyes as they felt heavy. "It's okay though, you made up for it later."
"Aww...."
"What are we awing?" I asked the multiple girls who made noises.
"Nothing. Go to sleep." Harlow snapped.
"I don't want to..." I groaned, peeling my eyes open but squinting at him and his ghostly figure glowing almost in the dark, "Hey did you ever notice how pale you are? You're so glowy."
"I'm white." He deadpanned.
"Yeah... but your skin is so soft." I whispered, for some reason being in awe. "Like... like cheese. Soft, Cheesy skin."
"Cheese? God. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Harlow turned his head toward the sky and rubbed his eyes while groaning.
"Jess didn't have soft skin like that. He couldn't kiss me like Naomi did either. Can you?"
He turned his head towards me, "I'm sorry?"
"Do girls say you're a good kisser? How does one go about being the best? I wanna be the best kisser of all time and woo all the girls and all the boys. I wanna knock their freakin' socks off, so how?" I bit into a red vine and squinted at him curiously.
"As the best kisser of all time, why would I give away my secrets?" Harlow whispered to me, squinting right back.
"Cause it's nice to teach people things, duh."
"Oh, please." Naomi budded into our conversation, "I taught Harlow everything he knows, don't let him fool you."
"You did not." Harlow rolled his eyes behind her back.
"Damn right I did. Taught you how to eat pussy too."
"You can eat pussy?" I looked back at Harlow with a look of lazy curiosity, and watched his pupils dilate in the darkness.
"Can I eat pussy?" Harlow was acting like I'd just asked him if he was a human, like the question was so audacious, "Can I eat pussy?-I devour pussy, I live off pussy, what the fuck kinda question even is that?"
"No, I get that you probably eat pussy but there's a difference between eating pussy and eating pussy if you know what I mean." I widened my eyes for emphasis.
"How would you even know what you mean, who ate you out?" Harlow countered, a devious glint in his eyes, "I know Jess didn't go down on you. He just played tic-tac-toe with your clit."
"Naomi did and she's good. I can't imagine it being any better than her." I got a floaty feeling just from thinking about it and it was safe to say weed made me a little bit hornier than normal.
"She did? I thought you guys just scissored or something." Harlow lifted his head a little bit and turned it around to look at Naomi, "Naomi, you ate her fucking pussy?"
Naomi paused her conversation with Koi, "Cherry's? Yeah, and?"
"Yeah, and?" I slurred slightly, punching Harlow on the arm, "What's wrong with her eating my pussy? Do you have a grudge against my pussy or something, bitch?"
"No, I don't have a grudge against your p-pussy is pussy, cherry."
"Oh my god, I bet Mia has the prettiest pussy ever." I'd had a sudden revelation and turned my head around to look at Mia, "Mia I hope you know your pussy is so pretty. You deserve to feel like the prettiest pussy princess, ever."
"Aw thanks, Cherry!" Mia laughed, sitting up on her elbows.
"You're welcome!" I laid back down.
"What constitutes a pretty pussy?" Kristen wondered from my left.
"Having one." Harlow deadpanned, "Real men don't discriminate, we love all pussy. You know, I should put that on a t-shirt and sell it."
"Well, yeah, but porn kinda fucks everything up because they always have like perfect pussies." Kristen threw her hand up, "It's always like-perfectly shaved with no ingrown hairs and everything matches."
"They do? I didn't know that, I don't watch porn," I mumbled worriedly, flicking my eyes across the sky, "Wait, is having like a mismatched pussy a bad thing? Cause like-my pussy isn't like pink all over, I'm ethnic."
"Why would it be a bad thing?..." Harlow side-glanced at me.
"I dunno, but now I'm worried that my pussy isn't pretty enough."
"Welcome to the club, sister." Kristen sighed deeply.
"Alright, alright..." Harlow took a deep breath and groaned as he sat up, putting his hands up in surrender, "I guess I'll take one for the team. Everyone pull their pants down and let me be the judge of how pretty your pussy is-"
"As if, bozo!" Koi smacked him on the head with a pillow.
"Oh, I was joking, relax..." Harlow snorted and fell back, laying down again.
"Mm... I don't think you were, I just think you wanted to see Cherry's pussy." Naomi squinted over at us, blowing out smoke.
"What?" Harlow and I said at the same time.
"Ooo..." The girls all made noises.
I turned my head toward Harlow with wide eyes and a flushed face, "Wait, did you say you wanted to see my pussy? I wasn't paying full attention."
"No. Fuck, no, I don't wanna see your pussy." Harlow readjusted his head on the pillow and looked away from me.
"Okay, whoa, hostile, what's wrong with my pussy? I knew you had a grudge against it!-"
"There's no such thing as a pussy grudge!" Harlow whipped his head toward me, hissing through gritted teeth, "I don't care about your pussy, your pussy is irrelevant to me! I-It's not like I asked to see your pussy-"
"You asked to see everyone's pussy, you said 'everyone pull their pants down'!" I exclaimed, "If you were gonna look at everyone's pussy, you'd leave mine out?! Is that what you're saying? That's so mean!" I was honestly, actually offended, even though I had no intentions of showing him anything.
"Wow..." The girls all cooed, "You'd leave her out?"
"How rude."
"Yeah, that's mean, Harlow."
Harlow looked back and forth between all the girls, "No. N-" he cut himself off and covered his face with his hands to let out an exasperated grunt into it that made everyone laugh.
"We're just teasing..." Naomi gave him a swift smack on the shoulder, "No more pussy talk, we'll leave you alone."
"Oh whatever."
"Wait, no, can someone look at my pussy for real, I'm scared it's not normal." I mumbled, sitting up slightly.
"You're too high, you're not showing anyone your pussy right now, lay down." Harlow grabbed my arm and put the blanket higher over me. "Go to bed and sleep it off, high naps are the best."
"I don't wanna go to bed, you go to bed." I huffed, staring up at the dark blue sky. I grabbed another twizzler and took a big bite, munching on it slowly.
"Too bad." Harlow said, and I heard his hand plop to rest just above my head; his wrist curling to play with a section of my hair.
"That's not gonna work." I whispered, turning my head toward him as I swallowed down the candy.
Harlow glanced behind him as if he was making sure Naomi wasn't looking and then whispered, "But you don't want me to stop, do you?"
"No." I admitted against my better judgement. His hand was soothing, and soft, making me more tired than I honestly already was. The way his fingers would run through my hair made me loose all will to wanna stay awake and the more he did it, the worse my fatigue got.
After only five minutes my eyes had closed, even though I was fighting against it.
"Cherry.." Harlow lowly said.
"Hm?"
"Guess what?"
"Hm...." I groaned under my breath.
"You're asleep already." He whispered in a coaxing tone that sounded lazy.
"I am?" I was so high, and so soothed, it felt like I was melting into the warm bouncy castle.
Brownies. I want brownies and clouds.
"Yup and you're dreaming about... carebears." He laughed softly.
"Remember when you bit me?" I mumbled. "Right in the-"
"Shh..shut the fuck up."
"Right... I'm not supposed to tell anyone that we cuddled." I whispered. "Right?"
"No, you're not..." He laughed softly and that was the last echoing thing I heard before I was dead asleep.
✰ Hours later ✰
"Okay, goodnight."
In the dead of night, after taking the best nap I'd ever had, I blinked open my groggy eyes open and saw Harlow peck Naomi on the cheek in goodnight. To then, walk back to his spot next to me and lay down.
I was too tired to ask what they were doing up when seemingly everyone else was a sleep do so just laid there. My head hurt a little but I mostly felt fatigued and just plain exhausted. I hadn't slept much in the past few days.
Harlow plopped back down next to me while I turned my head to see Koi, who was knocked out snoring, cuddle up next to Naomi and begin to sleep.
I could hear Kristen and Mia sleeping as well, but I wasn't sure how, it was cold, at least for me.
I rubbed my eyes and pulled the blanket up some more, turning to face Naomi and scooting a little bit closer to her to get warm.
Harlow might've thought I was asleep already because about ten minutes later I soon felt his hand on my waist, just gently testing there. He was a good ways away, so it felt awkward honestly.
I felt really relaxed from the weed I'm assuming that was still in my system, but his hand was really warm, and I found myself feeling...better.
I had a mental battle in my head about whether or not to scoot backward, but I did it without even deciding.
I placed my hand onto his, guiding it to wrap farther around me and he slowly pulled my body back towards his, moving me as if I weighed nothing.
My back hit his chest and he curved his body to fit right with mine, his breath on the back of my neck.
His lips moved to my ear and I closed my eyes as they ghosted there. His breath was warm and subtle, enough to make me get butterflies for some reason.
But, they were gone just as soon as they came when he whispered, "My going rate is fifteen dollars an hour-"
I broke out in laughter, covering my mouth and he chuckled slightly in my ear.
I rolled my lips into my mouth, turning my head around to look back at him, "Can we negotiate? That's a bit much..."
"Not a chance..." He whispered back. "Besides you're rich now. You can afford me!"
"Is there a discount for friends?" I asked.
"We're not friends." He glared at me, rolling his eyes.
"Why not? What if I agreed to stop being mean to you... if you stopped being mean to me." I said, raising an eyebrow. "We could be friends."
"Where's the fun in that?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows and smirking slightly.
"Of course, I forgot how much I love crying. Silly me." I said sarcastically.
"I'm mean to everyone, don't take it personally. You can handle it just fine. Or do you not remember when you choked me?" He asked.
"Yeah, you pissed me off. 'Stay away from me.' Look at you now, whore." I teased, turning back forward.
"Yeah, well... you're hard to stay away from."
I dropped my smile and felt goosebumps go down my spine when he rested his head on my neck again, his hands wrapping tighter around me to engulf me in warmth.
"Literally, you're fucking everywhere. On my street, in my house, at my favorite stores. You're like a damn disease. If there was a fucking plague called Cherry, I would not be surprised-"
"Should've known." I rolled my eyes, scoffing slightly. "You're right, we can't be friends - you know what? I don't need a whore tonight-"
"Shut the fuck up... you and I both know you're not going anywhere." He whispered, squeezing me tighter. "Good night, Cherry..."
"Goodnight." I smiled softly, holding onto his hand.
"Quit fucking smiling."
"Sorry."
***