Tulala akong naglalakad habang nakasunod ako sa lalaking nakilala ko kanina sa bar. Hawak nya ang kamay ko as we walked through the halls of the condominium that we basically walked to from Valkyrie. Hindi ko malaman kung matutuwa ba ako na walking distance lang from the bar yung condo ng lalaking ito. Siguro if I was less sober, I'd see this as a good thing.
However, habang naglalakad kami, I felt myself slowly sobering up. Maybe from the wind, or the walking, or maybe from the intense beating of my heart from when he held my hand and pulled me out of the bar.
I learned one thing about myself tonight. Kung madali man akong malasing, madali rin ako mahimasmasan. Along with the onslaught of my sobriety is the slow resurfacing of my rationality. Bigla akong naging aware sa lahat ng bagay---his intoxicating minty smell, the softness of his palm, the confidence in his strides, but most of all, naging aware ako sa katangahang nagawa ko at gagawin pa yata.
I'm not exactly a hundred percent sober but sober enough to have a loose grip of rationality.
Sa elevator pa lang ay kumakalabog na ang puso ko. At that point, malinaw na sa akin kung ano ang nagawa ko because of the influence of alcohol. Doon ko na na realize how stupid and uncalculated my actions were. Halos gusto ko ng takpan ang mukha ko noon sa hiya at kaba, tahimik na nagdadasal na kainin ako ng lupa.
Alam kong kusa naman akong sumama ng niyaya ako ng lalaki pero kung tutuusin ako naman talaga ang nag insinuate.
Kaya lang, sa gitna ng pag-aalinlangan ko ay lumingon sa akin ang lalaki at muli ay naramdaman ko ang pagkawala ko sa wisyo. His eyes are so striking, I can't help but get lost in them. And it wasn't helping that I could smell his intoxicating scent more, lalo na't kaming dalawa lang noon sa elevator.
I had already devised a plan to make a run for it when the elevator doors split open, kaya lang when I found myself drowning in the deep depths of his stares and the alluring scent of his intoxicating perfume, parang nakalimutan ko na rin ang planong pagtakas at kalaunan sumama sa kanya palabas.
I watch him punch in a code on the electronic lock outside of what I assume is his unit. When he pushed the door open, he stepped aside and looked at me, as if encouraging me to get inside. Hindi naman mahigpit ang hawak niya sa aking kamay, in fact, he held it with so much gentleness. I can easily pry my hands out of his hold and make a run for it, pero ewan ko, probably still driven by the rebellious impulse and what's left of my intoxication ay pumasok ako sa loob.
Madilim ng pumasok ako, with only the flashing lights of the city below seeping through the massive floor-to-ceiling windows. Kahit wala akong masyadong makita ay batid ako ang kalakihan ng lugar. This is a penthouse unit for sure.
I flinch when some of the lights suddenly turned on, radiating a gentle warm orange hue from the cove lighting on the ceiling. Agad na nabuhay ang lugar at nakita ko kung gaano ka mamahalin ang kanyang mga gamit.
When I feel his stares boring into the back of my head, biglang lumakas muli ang pintig ng puso ko. I can feel his presence in the room, and it is so loud, yelling at me to turn around. I take in a shaky and heavy breath as I slowly turn on my heel, biting my bottom lip as I look up at him.
And when our eyes meet, I feel a shiver run down my spine.
Nakatayo siya sa bulwagan ng pintuan, looking at me. His stares are so intense that it almost feels like he's staring right into my soul. I shudder, holding his stare. Nakakakaba ang mga titig niya pero for some reason I also can't look away.
When he starts to walk towards me, bigla akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Gosh, this is it.
What the hell am I doing?
Ang tanda tanda ko na, ngayon ko pa talaga nakalimutan ang bilin ng mga magulang ko na "Don't talk to strangers" at "Don't go with strangers."
I don't think I'll ever have alcohol for a good while after this.
Masyado akong nawala sa mga naiisip na pwedeng kahinatnan ng gabing ito kaya halos magulat nalang ako nang makitang nasa harapan ko na pala siya. Wala akong magawa kundi tumititig sa kanya, getting lost in the green specs of his hazel eyes, his manly scent filling my nostrils.
I didn't think he'd get even more handsome, pero parang mas gumwapo pa siya ngayong halos wala ng distansiya sa pagitan namin.
He inches closer and his sharp nose almost brushes mine. He looks at me with so much intensity in his hooded eyes, na parang lasing na lasing rin siya sa kakatitig sa akin. I feel his warm breath fan my face, at pati yata hininga nito ay mabango.
I shudder when he gently takes hold of my hands, his fingers softly grazing my skin. Napalunok ako, closing my eyes as he leans in. A shaky breath escapes from the back of my throat when I feel his nose graze against the expanse of my neck, his breath tickling my skin.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang paghaharumentado ng puso ko, racing a million miles per second, lalo na nang sinimulan niyang patakan ng marahan na mga halik ang leeg ko. Hindi ko na namalayan na mahigpit ko na palang pinipisil ang kanyang mga kamay as I shut my eyes tight, my lips pressed into a thin line.
My body is tensed and stiff, my brain going into overdrive as I anticipate and play the many possible consequences of my actions in my head. I swallow a lump in my throat as another shiver runs across my skin.
Nang bigla siyang tumigil siya ginagawa ay unti unti akong napadilat. I catch him staring at me, his dark hooded eyes brooding with dark intensity, and for some reason, I can also see a hint of softness into its depths.
Parang hindi ako makahinga habang tinitingnan siya, dahil taliwas sa intensidad ng kaniyang mga mata ay ang lambot ng pagkakahawak niya sa aking mga kamay.
I bite my bottom lip to stop it from quivering, at kitang kita ko kung paano panandaliang nalipat ang paningin niya mula sa mga mata ko patungo sa mga labi ko.
"Are you okay?" He asks me with a low voice as he returns his eyes on me.
I can only look away, pursing my lips, unable to hold his stare dahil pakiramdam ko natutunaw ako. Pero hinanap niya muli ang mata ko, bending down to seek my orbs. Nang magtama ulit ang mga mata namin ay napilitan na akong tingnan siya ng diretso.
"Do you want to do this?"
I stare at him at his question. For some reason I find an odd comfort at that. Is he giving me a choice? Naisip ko bigla, kapag ba sinabi kong hindi ay hahayaan niya kaya akong umalis?
Letting out a small breath, I shake my head, pursing my lips.
Nang nahuli ko siyang tumango ay para akong nabunutan ng tinik. I let out a breath of relief, running my hands over my face as I take a step back away, turning around. "Oh my gosh," sambit ko sa sarili.
I release another breath as I pace around his living room, running my fingers through my hair. I can't believe I allowed myself to go this far. Nang lingonin ko siyang muli ay nahuli ko siyang nakatitig pa rin sa akin, ang mga kamay ay nakapirmi sa bewang.
Kahit na sobrang laki ng espasyo ng lugar ay parang napupuno niya pa rin ito at how big he looks. He really is tall.
"You know," I turn to him, "I really am sorry. I-I was drunk, well I still am, but," I stammered as I try to apologize for getting tangled with him in this mess, "I really don't know why I-I did that. Sorry if naperwisyo pa kita, uhm---"
Hindi ko halos mabasa ang ekspresyon na nakapinta sa kanyang mukha dahil nanatili siyang seryoso, at hindi ko mawari kung galit ba ito. Umiigting ang panga nito, at malapit ng magkasalubong ang kilay. I wonder if he's really mad? Or perhaps, frustrated?
However, as I unconsciously trail my gaze lower, my eyes grow wide. Naramdaman ko ang pag-akyat ng mainit na dugo sa pisngi ko habang tinitingnan ang umbok sa kanyang pantalon. I'm not ignorant enough to not know what that is.
Napa awang nalang ang labi ko, feeling the hotness of my entire face. I swallow a lump in my throat as I look up at him, wariness all over my face. "Uhm," napalunok ako muli, "I'm s-sorry for, ano, uhm," I look down again, "for t-that," I point.
"Gosh," sambit ko, slight panic dawning over me. Hindi ko na malaman ang gagawin.
The guy just released a sharp breath and hissed as he flicked his tongue against the side of his mouth as he massages the bridge of his nose. Hindi ko lubos maisip kung gaano kaya kahirap ang kanyang pinagdadaanan ngayon.
"Okay, you know what, I'm sorry," I say with finality, slowly backing away as I grab my handbag from the couch. "I shouldn't have come here," sambit ko, nagpapaplano ng kumaripas ng takbo, "t-this is a mistake, shet hindi na ako iinom ulit." I release a breath, "I mean, sorry talaga kuya, I wasn't thinking right. I-I'll just l-leave."
Bago pa man ako makapagsalita pa muli ay nagsalita siya, "What the hell did you just call me?"
Kitang kita ko ang pagkakawindang sa ekspresyon ng kanyang mukha, flustered as he looked at me.
"Uhm, k-kuya?"
Mali ba? Mukha naman siyang mas matanda sa akin , ah?
He only groans, subtly shaking his head habang sinapo niya ang noo.
"I-I'll just go na," saad ko, slowly walking backwards hanggang sa kumaripas na ako ng takbo papunta sa pintuan.
Halos pagewang-gewang ang lakad ko papuntang pinto, medyo hilo pa rin sa dami ng nainom. I'm not exactly fully sober yet, I can't even walk in a straight line! Kaya lang naman ako nakapaglakad ng maayos kanina dahil hawak hawak niya ako.
Pinilit ko ang katawan kong hindi bumagsak at mabilis na lumabas. The moment I was out into the hallway, I release a heavy breath. Ramdam ko ang malakas na pintig ng puso ko, banging against my chest.
"I'm never drinking again," saad ko sa sarili. Tonight was a close call. I could have lost my virginity to a total stranger, kahit na sobrang gwapo niya. This could have been a night I would have regretted my whole life.
I lean against the metal wall of the elevator as it brings me down, clutching my stomach. The downward momentum is making me feel nauseous. Talaga namang iba talaga ang epekto sa akin ng lalaki kanina dahil hindi ko naman naramdam ang mga nararamdaman kong hilo ngayon noong kasama ko siya. I guess I was too distracted by him.
Kumunot ang noo ko ng napansin na sa isang medyo madilim na lugar ako naibaba ng elevator. Nang tinignan ko muli ang pinindot ko kanina ay ngayon ko lang napansin na imbes na groundfloor ay ang underground ang napindot ko. Now I'm at the parking lot.
Tumikhim nalang ako. Sa kagustuhan kong maka-alis na ay tumulak nalang ako palabas. Tanaw ko naman na ang labasan, it's not that far. Nakakapagod nga lang tignan ang paakyat na lalakarin ko.
Yakap-yakap ko ang sarili habang naglalakad, my heels clicking against the ground as I try to keep balance.
"Get it together, Celeste," I say to myself, shaking my head para mawala ang hilo na nararamdaman.
Malapit na sana akong makalabas ng may nakasalubong akong dalawang lalaki. Amoy pa lang ay alam ko ng nakainom ang mga ito. I try to continue walking, pero hinarangan ako ng isa sa kanila.
"I haven't seen you here before," saad niya, tinitignan ako mula ulo hanggang paa. "Huwag ka na muna umuwi, Miss. We haven't even got to know each other yet."
I furrow my brows, glaring at the guy. I take a side-step to walk around him pero agad rin naman akong hinarang ng kasama niya. "Uy," he says, akmang hahawakan sana ang braso ko pero agad akong lumayo, "why are you in such a hurry?"
Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. Somehow I felt safer alone in the room with that guy a while ago. Kumpara doon ay mukhang may masasamang intensyon talaga ang mga lalaking nasa harap ko ngayon. I feel unsafe, pero hindi ko pinahalata sa kanila ang takot na nararamdaman ko. Kinuyom ko ang mga palad ko upang hindi nila mapansin ang panginginig ko habang nag-iisip kung papaano ako makakatakas mula sa kanila.
Unti-unti na akong nagsisimulang magpanic ng may biglang bumasag sa katahimikan. The low baritone voice filled the entire area, echoing through the whole parking lot. It was stern and firm, carrying so much authority. Most of all, it was highly too familiar.
"Baby, is there something wrong?"
Nagulat ako ng may biglang umakbay sa akin, at mas laking gulat ko ng iangat ko ang tingin sa kung sino man ito. My eyes grow wide, a small gasp escaping from my lips.
It was the guy from a while ago!
I try to mask my surprise ng naramdaman kong he's trying to strike down the two men.
He's glaring at them darkly, na para bang isa-isa silang pinapatumba sa lupa gamit lamang ang mga titig niya. "May problema ba?" His voice is commanding.
"Are they bothering you, baby?" Bumaling siya sa akin gamit ang mas malambot na tono ng boses.
Hindi ko malaman ang gagawin, pero something inside me just encouraged me to ride on with his plan. He's trying to save me, kumbinsi ko sa sarili.
Umiling na lang ako.
"Ah, W-Wala bro," sabi noong isang lalaki, halos nanginginig ang boses. "Nakikipagkilala lang."
Nanliit ang mata ng lalaking umaakbay sa akin, staring them down. "Well, it doesn't look like she wants to get to know you," sambit niya bago ako iginiya palabas, kasama siya habang inaakbayan pa rin ako, "and don't call me bro. Hindi kita kaano-ano," pahabol niya, glancing at them.
Suplado.
We keep walking while he had an arm over my shoulder. I notice him constantly glancing back, as if trying to see if those men were already gone.
Nang siguro ay wala na ang mga lalaki ay kinalas niya na rin ang pagkaka-akbay sa akin.
"T-Thanks," saad ko, running my hand over my arm as I feel the onslaught of the cold night air as we walk up the slope from the basement. Bigla akong nanlamig ng bawiin nya ang init ng kanyang brasong naka-akbay sa akin.
"B-Bakit mo ako sinundan?"
He only glances at me, tinatanggal ang suot na jacket.
"It's a Friday night. Maraming lasing na umuuwi sa building at this time," he says as he casually drapes the jacket over my shoulders.
Muling nag-init ang mga pisngi ko. This is the first time someone gave me their jacket to wear. I don't even know this guy!
Tumango nalang ako, trying to hide my flushed face from him. "T-Thank you."
Nasa sidewalk na kami ng napansin kong he's still walking alongside me, kaya naman ay nilingon ko siya.
"What are you doing?"
He looks at me, eyes immediately boring into mine.
"I'm taking you back," tipid niyang sagot.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at muling dinungaw siya.
"Sa kwarto mo?"
He stops walking and turns to me, staring at me darkly.
"To the bar," he says. "I took you out there, I'm bringing you back," sambit nya habang kaswal na inaayos ang pagkakalagay ng jacket sa balikat ko. "Unless you want to go back to my room?" Napadilat ako sa huling sinabi niya.
"You're drunk and alone, at babae ka pa," dagdag pa niya.
Ako naman ang tumigil sa paglalakad at binalingan siya. "Okay, correction, half-drunk. I'm partially sober now," saad ko, "and alone, yes, pero ano na naman ngayon kung babae ako?"
I raise my eyebrow at him.
He only releases a sigh, tinitingnan akong mabuti. "I don't mean it that way. I'm not trying to degrade you for your gender. What I'm trying to say is, lasing ka, no matter how sober you think you are. Mag-isa ka, maganda ka, and you're wearing a very skimpy dress. Right now, you're the best prey a predator could want. And by predator, I mean, men."
Did he just say na maganda ako?
I subtly shake my head, trying to brush away the thought.
"Men, huh? So that includes you?"
He released another sigh, looking away na para bang naiinis na.
"Baby, if I was a predator I would have taken you right at that bar."
I gulped at that. I looked away, trying to hide another wave of a heated blush.
He's right, though.
I clear my throat and glance at him before I resume walking, watching him from the corner of my eyes as he walks alongside me.
I guess he's harmless. I hope.
"Thank you," sambit ko.
Liningon ko siya habang naglalakad kami. Seryoso ang mukha niya, staring ahead of him. His hands are inside his pockets, taking slow steps to match mine.
My eyes travel over his muscular arms, the sleeves of his white shirt hugging his biceps tight. Hindi kaya siya nilalamig? Bigla tuloy ako na guilty na suot suot ko ang jacket niya.
Unconsciously, or baka consciously na rin, napatingin ako sa baba. Uminit muli ang pisngi ko at the memory of what happened kanina sa condo niya.
Gusto ko tuloy ulit kainin ng lupa.
"Uhm," I clear my throat. Agad na bumaling siya sa akin, his brow raising.
"I'm sorry," saad ko, "for kanina, for your ano," napakamot ako sa ulo, nahihiya at bakit ko pa naisipang magsorry ulit, "your boner," I clear my throat again.
He just stared at me for a second before he returns his attention ahead of us. "Wala na 'yon," sabi niya, "umurong na nung tinawag mo akong kuya."
Napaubo ako, biting the inside of my cheek.
Pinili ko nalang tumahimik. We continue to walk in silence, pero hindi ko mapagakaila ang naramdamang hindi ko mawari nang hawakan niya muli ang kamay nang tumawid kami sa daan.
Naglalakad na kami sa may Uptown Mall, at parang nagsisimula ng sumakit ang ulo ko because of the brightness of the flashing lights. Ngayon pa lang ay nararamdaman ko na ang tindi ng hangover ko bukas ng umaga.
"Ouch," I whisper, sapo ang noo habang iniinda ang sakit ng ulo.
"Ayan gaga," sabi ko sa sarili ko, "bakit mo kasi ginawa?"
"Bakit nga ba?"
Nagulat ako at napalingon sa kasama na nakatingin na sa akin ngayon.
"Why did you get yourself drunk and suddenly tried to be bold?"
I bite my bottom lip and shrugged my shoulders before I looked away, crossing my arms over my shoulders.
"I don't know," I start, "I just wanted," I release a breath, "to experience."
"To experience?" I sense the amusement in his voice kaya naman galit akong napalingon sa kanya.
"What's so funny about it?"
He lets out a small chuckle, turning to me. "You wanted to experience getting drunk and getting laid?"
Ramdam ko na naman ang pag-init ng pisngi ko kaya I looked away, huffing out a breath.
"Well not exactly!"
"It's just. . . "
I heave my chest up and down, and release a heavy breath.
"It's just that I'm tired being the good girl, the perfect person who makes perfect decisions and gets the perfect scores and has the perfect behaviors, because I'm not perfect! I'm far from perfect. And I've lived my life trying to live up to everyone's expectations, I forgot to truly live."
"Kaya ka nagrerebelde?"
I turn to him with a glare.
"Hindi ako nagrerebelde, well, I didn't plan to. I was just driven by. . . I don't know? Impulse? My want to experience things? Heck, hindi pa nga ako nagkakaboyfriend!"
"So, you want a boyfriend?"
I turn to him again, shrugging my shoulders.
"I don't know. Maybe? How would I know if I really want one if I hadn't tried having one yet? Ewan," bumuntong hininga ako muli.
Ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko.
I release another sigh, hanging my head low.
"I guess, I just want to have fun. To feel happiness that doesn't last more than a few seconds."
"I want to live a life I truly want to live," I whisper, pursing my lips into a thin line.
I turn to him and I find him looking at me, seryoso ang mukha at kumikislap ang mga mata.
I let out a frustrated breath, realizing that I've been ranting to a random stranger I almost slept with. I shake my head aggressively, groaning as we come to a stop from across the street of the bar.
"Why am I even telling you this?" sambit ko, huffing out a breath.
Suddenly, my phone rang from inside of my bag. Agad ko itong kuha at nanlaki ang mga mata nang nakita kung sino ang tumatawag.
"Demi!" Halos sigaw ko. Ang tagal ko yata nawala, and I just remembered na naiwan pala sila sa bar.
"Hoy! Gaga ka, nasaan ka? I've been looking for you everywhere? Don't tell me you really went home? Sasabunotan kita, sinasabi ko sayo Celeste!"
Napakunot ang noo ko, amused at her ramblings.
"What's got you so riled up?"
"What's got me so riled up? Hindi ko akalain may tinatagong wild side pala itong si Ada. She's wasted and I feel like I almost died trying to drag her back to our table. Nasaan ka ba kasi?"
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa gulat. Si Ada? Love child ni Mama Mary at ni Mother Teresa na si Ada, wasted?
"Ada's wasted? Paano?"
"So ano to? Chika chika lang tayo sa phone, ganon? Hindi mo sasabihin sa akin kung nasaan kang hayop ka?"
I turn to look at the guy before I answered Demi. "Uhm, I'm just outside. Nagpahangin lang. Sige, I'll meet you by the door."
Nang matapos ang tawag ay bumaling ako sa lalaki. Akma na sana siyang tatawid sa daan nang pigilan ko siya, grabbing his arm. For a moment, I was stunned at how hard his arm his.
"Uhm, huwag mo na akong samahan. My friends are coming out na rin, I-I don't want to s-see you," saad ko na parang nahihiya pa. Nakakahiya naman kasi. He walked me here, and I'm trying to hide him.
I take a step back, looking at him.
"Thank you," I say meaningfully, equalling his gaze on mine, "stranger."
I let out a small shy smile and turned around in my heel, starting to cross the road.
I'm about three steps in ng may naisip ako. Pakiramdam ko missed chance ito kapag hindi ko ginawa. Hindi naman na kami magkikita ever again, plus, sabihin nalang nating parte ito ng oplan experience ko for tonight.
Biting my bottom lip, I turn around, and luckily he was still there where I left him, looking at me.
I take in a deep breath, and run towards him. When I reach him, agad kong inabot ang pisngi niya, went on my toes, and kissed him.
Grabe ang kalabog ng puso ko when our lips touched. It felt like electricity coursed through my veins. Plano ko sana ay tumakbo agad after I do it, pero parang napatigil ako. I felt my system collapse for a moment.
I slowly went down on my feet, my eyes meeting his as he stared at me with so much intensity pakiramdam ko matutunaw ako.
My fingers are shaking as I slide them down his cheek.
Nang sumakit ang dibdib, doon ko napagtanto na tumigil ako sa paghinga. Taking a deep breath in, I bite my bottom lip and abruptly turned around, kumakaripas ng takbo habang tinatawid ang daan.
Patuloy lang ako sa paglalakad papuntang pintuang ng bar, takot na lumingon sa likod. I hope he's not following me. However, a part of me also wished he was. Siguro I just want to see his face one last time. Hindi ko na makikitang muli ang gwapong mukhang iyon.
When I reach door, I let out a small breath and slowly turned around.
A sigh escapes from me when I see that he didn't follow, and he was gone already.
It's for the better, sabi ko sa sarili.
"Hoy traydor, tulungan mo ako!" Napalingon ako sa lakas ng boses ni Demi at nanlaki ang mata ko ng makita kung paano niya inaakay si Ada na halos wala ng malay.
"I'm never taking you guys clubbing with me again, mga walang'ya," saad ni Demi, glaring at me.
**********