Rosé's POV
My anxiety is spiking seeing the icon for JFK airport on the small television screen attached to the seat in front of me. It's now December and we are arriving in NYC for our two shows in Madison Square Garden for our world tour. We did the Asia leg of the tour first, and New York is the first stop of the American tour. And we are also having a Vogue shoot because it'll help draw more attention to the world tour.
I know the staff is going to be on high alert when we land in the city, for obvious reasons. My leg was shaking and my foot kept tapping the floor as our destination got closer. There was no snow right now thankfully, so there was barely any turbulence on the flight.
After a few more hours of waiting, we landed in the states and I was terrified. I would be lying if I wasn't going to rush over to y/n's apartment and try to see her, but that's what is so terrifying. I don't know what I'd say to her. I don't know if I'll cry, yell, smile, or all the above when I see her in person.
When we were walking through the airport, it felt like there were more cameras being shoved into our faces than normal. That was shocking to me considering it was 9pm. I then rolled my eyes as I listened to paparazzi ask about y/n and I. Of course they want to know what happened after the statement that YG put out said we are 'just friends'.
The four of us climbed into one van and I was sitting next to Jennie in the furthest back seats as Lisa and Jisoo were in front of us. I could feel Jennie's eyes on me, so I looked over to her and waited for her to say something.
"You're going to try to see her, aren't you?" She whispered to me, making sure that no one could hear her.
"Of course I am. I need to know why she left me because she still loved me."
Loved me.
I hated how I had to use past tense because I don't know if she still loves me. Hell, she probably has already moved on from me and I might interrupt a fun night with a girl. But quite frankly, I don't give a fuck because I need to closure to move forward with my life. Which I hope will still include her, somehow, some way.
Jennie wasn't surprised with my response because I knew she knew I needed to see her. And she just gave me a small smile,
"I'll help you get out without the staff freaking out or knowing of your disappearance." I gave her a grateful smile as we made our way to the hotel. And YG being YG, we stayed in the exact same hotel as always, meaning I'd get a great view of fucking Central Park. I wouldn't see where y/n and I first met, but this stupid park has so many memories with her.
Lisa wanted the couple, Jennie and Jisoo, to room together, but they declined it. Jennie shot me a wink and I knew she told Jisoo about what I was going to do later on during our stay here. I can't do it tonight or tomorrow because the staff will be all over us, but after the two shows are done, that's when my chance will appear. There will be a day break in between after the final show and the photoshoot, so I'll go to y/n's right after the show to have a whole day to talk with her.
I unlocked the door to Jennie and I's room and our luggage and bags were already here. I claimed one of the beds and Jennie went straight to the shower as she always does after a flight. I sighed and rolled over onto my back as I just stared straight up at the ceiling. I ran our schedule through my head one more time and decided I would go over to y/n's apartment at midnight after our second show. The staff will be tired and not be as nosey with where we are.
Once Jennie was out of the bathroom, I went in and took a shower of my own. After that, I did my night routine and made sure I was ready for bed. I stepped out of the bathroom to see Jennie switching the channels to find something halfway decent. I laid down on my bed and watched her grumble to herself as she couldn't find anything.
"Try channel 51." I told her as she pressed the numbers on the remote to get to the channel. And there popped up a Hunger Games movie, so she smiled and placed the remote on the center nightstand.
"Thanks, how'd you know that this channel was good?" She asked me as I responded,
"Just have been in this damn hotel a bunch of times and know what channels are the good ones."
I couldn't tell her that it was because y/n talked about all the good channels to me before I saw her in New York after not being able to see each other for two months. If I brought that up, she'd feel all sorry for me and that's the last thing I want right now. The mood and vibe was comfortable and I don't want to bring it down because of the past.
I watched the movie along with her and we were both in tears at the end. We laughed at how dumb we are for crying at a movie we've both seen multiple times. But once the time was past 11pm, we called it and she turned the TV off and I turned the small lamp that was keeping the room lit off. I snuggled up underneath the covers and closed my eyes, allowing myself to succumb to sleep.
"Baby, it's been two hours since you started that thing." I told y/n as she just glared at me through her phone screen. She was sitting on her bedroom floor as she was building a new desk from IKEA. And of course those instructions are impossible, so it's taking her forever.
"Thank you for keeping time." She snapped back, clearly annoyed with everything right now.
"What part can't you get?" I asked her as I set up my phone so it leaned against a cup. I pulled out my laptop and looked up the model of desk she got so I could pull up the instructions.
"It's this nut and bolt thing that just isn't working at all. They're supposed to twist on perfectly with these two things," y/n said as she moved these giant pieces of the desk into frame, making me giggle as she was no longer visible, "but it's not going to happen."
"What page is it?" I watched as she moved the pieces away so she could look down at the instructions,
"Page 18." I scrolled down to that page on the PDF version of the instructions and dissected any possible things that y/n could be doing wrong. There were indeed two large pieces of the desk that needed to be joined together by the nut and bolt.
"Okay, do you have pieces 4 and 5 that are being put together?"
"Yes." I heard her faintly say as I'm guessing she was grabbing something to help her further away.
"How about a 4mm bolt with the 3mm nut?" I asked as there was then just silence on her end. I furrowed my eyebrows, "are you still there?"
"Yes." She said as I heard rustling of metal parts on her end. It clicked in my brain,
"You had the wrong things didn't you?"
"I had them flip flopped." She admitted quietly as I giggled. I closed the instructions and then opened up Disney+ to watch 'Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness' another time. I've seen this movie a good 20 times, but its /n and I's favorite movie. The visuals are the most insane things ever and the major plot twists everywhere make this movie so good.
It was so funny because when the first line of the movie was uttered on my laptop, her focus snapped away from the building and right to her phone.
"Are you watching MoM right now?"
"Yup." I said while popping the 'p' at the end. She held up a finger and then her laptop came into view. Y/n showed me she was watching the thing on mute, "wow we are just soulmates huh?"
"I'd like to say we are." She said with a goofy grin as she went back to building her desk and I continued to keep my girlfriend company.
I jolted awake after that memory of y/n and I still together. This has been a recurring thing for me these past couple months since she left. Whenever I sleep, instead of new dreams, I relive old memories with her. My heart can't take them anymore because I know when I inevitably wake up, she won't be there next to me.
I checked the time and saw it was 5:28am, making me groan to myself as I would have to be up in 2 minutes anyway. I shut my alarm off and went to the bathroom to get ready for the soundcheck and annoying stuff we had to do today. We just were going to head to the arena and scope everything out and make sure everything was working properly.
I didn't bother looking super nice, so I just wore sweats and a crew neck. I put my hair in a loose braid and then I heard Jennie's 5:50am alarm go off. It always makes me laugh how she just gets up 10 minutes before we leave to go anywhere when we are on tour. But she manages to still look great, so all the power to her.
I stepped out of the bathroom to see Jennie hunched over her luggage, picking out an outfit for the day. And to no one's surprise, she grabbed black pants and a top and walked straight to the bathroom. I sat down on my bed and waited until a knock came on our door. I scrolled through my phone to pass the few minutes we had left and just as Jennie got out of the bathroom changed, the knock came. She rolled her eyes and opened the door, our manager standing there, ready to command us and tell us what to do.
Jennie and I met up with Lisa and Jisoo by the elevator and our managers and some other staff waited behind the four of us. The elevator arrived and we all piled into it, going down to the lobby. The elevator ride was filled with the staff chatting amongst themselves as the girls and I were dead to the world; the jet lag not being kind to us already.
The vans pulled up outside the entrance and there were blinks waiting for us. We smiled and waved as we made our way to the vans. Jisoo sat in the back with me and Jennie and Lisa went into another van. Our manager reached back and handed both of us a breakfast sandwich as we headed off to the arena.
The streets weren't too crowded which was very surprising to me. The drive to the arena took about 20 minutes and we went into the back entrance of it. There were already a bunch of signs taped up on the walls and doors so we wouldn't get lost. The four of us followed the signs that would lead us to our dressing room. There were many twists and turns, but we soon got there and there was the suitcase with our mics and earpieces.
We grabbed our mics and put our earpieces in as we headed for the stage to get this over with. It usually takes around 5 hours in total because we go over everything possible. Up the stairs we went and we were soon backstage. We huddled up onto the center lift and crouched down, pretending that there was a crowd that would be able to see us if we stood straight up.
First we run through the show like we are actually performing it and then we go through all the minor details. The lift started going up and our lead single off the mini album started to play.
~~~~~
"I swear can't they just do all the technical stuff without us?" Jisoo asked as we were all in her and Lisa's room eating our room service dinner. I shrugged my shoulders,
"I guess they just want to get our opinions."
"Like they want them any other time." Jennie grumbled as she ate a forkful of food. I get where she's coming from because we never really get that much of a say when it comes to concept or music. I mean we can write here and there now, along with producing a little, but there are so many more times we've gotten shot down than accepted.
"Okay, moving on from that," Jisoo said as she didn't want to get back down that rabbit hole conversation we've had many times, "I can't wait to see our blinks!"
I could tell all our moods were lifted at the mention of them. NYC blinks are always amazing and I am really happy to be performing for them two days in a row.
"I know, I can't wait for them to see the new outfits!" Lisa gushed as she smiled widely. For this tour, every leg of the tour will have different outfits. So the Asian leg, North American leg, European leg, and Oceanic leg all have different outfits. I love my Oceanic leg outfits the most, so I can't wait to finish the tour off there and do the encore in Melbourne this time.
We all finished up our dinner and then goofed around until around 11pm. Jennie and I left the two for our room and after we both got ready for bed, we were out so fast.
The morning rolled around and we were able to just stay in the hotel room for a good amount of time before we had to leave once again for the arena. But this time instead of it being an ungodly time in the morning, it was 1pm, so I was fully awake.
I was listening to music with my airpods as the buildings rushed by the van. We had to drive around to the back of the arena, but I saw there were already blinks waiting for us in the cold. It's December 17th and they are sitting out there for us. I rolled my window down a tiny bit and waved to them as we drove by. Screams and cheers came from them as we turned the corner to the private entrance to the arena.
When we were in our dressing room going over everything again after the soundcheck we had just done for some blinks, I got those nervous butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. The girls and I were getting our makeup done and I was scrolling through social media, seeing blinks posting about how excited they are to see us. A bunch of fans want to see our outfits, but they don't know that those from the Asian leg aren't being worn. But I think they will still love the new ones.
Speaking of the new outfits, we are now getting changed into them. I helped Lisa with her zipper as one of my jewels had fallen off my sleeve, so I was just in a robe waiting. Lisa thanked me and I shot her a smile in return. My name got called out and I was finally able to get changed into my outfit.
I looked in the mirror and fixed my hair to my liking and then took a few deep breaths before putting my in-ears in. The four of us went backstage and to the lift, getting ready to perform for our lovely blinks. We gathered in a circle and did our iconic ritual before stepping onto the lift and getting all excited. Lisa prayed and Jisoo tended to Jennie, giving her girlfriend a small pep talk.
Soon enough, we were on stage performing our hearts out for our blinks. The atmosphere was insane and they were singing all the words to our songs; even if they were butchering the Korean, it still means so much. I feel so honored to make their day and give them an experience that they'll never forget because I'll never forget them either.
It was time for our solo stages and Jennie was up first, with her song 'Solo'. It was the version used for the online concert, so it was different from past tours. Lisa went up next and performed 'LALISA'. For Lisa and I, since we both have two songs, we are performing one of them each show so fans can hear both. Jisoo did her beautiful cover of a song because YG still hasn't let her have her rightful solo. And I was last.
I walked out onto stage with my acoustic guitar and went over to the microphone stand. I was able to hear the muffled cheers as I played the first note of 'Gone'.
I thought that you'd remember, but it seems that you forgot
It's hard for me to blame you when you were already lost
Oh, yeah
I'm tired of always waiting
Oh, yeah, yeah
I see you changed your number, that's why you don't get my calls
I gave you all of me, now you don't wanna be involved
Oh, yeah, yeah
I really gotta face it
Oh, yeah, yeah
I couldn't help it. My mind drifted to y/n. As I sang these lyrics, my mind could only focus on her and I hated that.
I just wanna be the one
But to you, we're already done
Tell me, why'd you have to hit and run me?
Now I'm all alone, cryin' ugly
You broke my heart just for fun
Took my love and just left me numb
Now it's eight in the morning
Hate in the morning (All because of you)
My voice started to waver as I sung and I could feel the tears threatening to form in my eyes. I took a deep breath before singing the chorus.
Another story that's sad and true
I can feel the pain, can you?
You had to be the one to let me down
To colour me blue
Hate to see you with someone new
I'll put a curse on her and you
Ain't no looking back, now you're dead and gone
My love it gone too
I let out a quiet sob and I could see the faces of the blinks closer to the stage. They were looking at me with concern as I got emotional over the song. It's just that the lyrics seemed so real with my life right now. Y/n left me all alone and I don't even know if she truly feels the same pain as me. Sure she apparently didn't want to leave, but she still did. I was really just another sad story that was indeed true.
I tried my best to power through the rest of the song, and after pausing briefly to turn away from the mic and let out a louder sob, I finished. I strummed the last cord and took my in-ear out, hearing the crowd chant my name over and over, making me smile.
"Thank you."
I then walked off stage and the girls and already finished changing into their new outfits. I was brought into a big hug by them as they obviously know the reason I was crying during the song. I finished the show fine, but I know that there will be speculation as to why I started crying during my solo.
I never wanted to go to sleep more in my life, so as soon as my body hit the mattress in the hotel room, I was done for.
~~~~~
"Thank you blinks! It was lovely performing for you guys here in New York City!" I said happily into my mic as the four of us stood on top of the main lift. It was the final show here and my mind was already going to what I'll be doing in a handful of hours.
"We love you!" Lisa shouted as she waved. Jennie blew kisses to the crowd and Jisoo jumped around and had a big smile on her face. The view of blinks with their light sticks soon was replaced with stage scaffolding as we were lowered. The staff that was by the lift clapped and congratulated us as we thanked them.
I went to the showers that were in the arena and got changed into some comfy clothes, but I still looked good. The girls patiently waited for me and we all got into the same van. We waved to some blinks that stayed behind to see us leave. But now it was back to the hotel once again and the tension in the van was only felt between the four of us; our manager and driver in the front not noticing at all. They don't know what I'm going to be doing in less than 2 hours. And if they did, I'd be a dead person.
Once the van got to the hotel, we all silently walked to our rooms. Our manager bid us a good night and said we will have tomorrow off since the photoshoot with Vogue is the day after. The four of us nodded our heads and waited until he closed his door before all going into Jennie and I's room.
"So what are you going to do?" Jisoo asked me right away as I made my way to my bed. I sat down and looked back at the three pairs of eyes staring me down.
"I'm going to go to her place and ask why the hell she did what she did." I told them truthfully.
"And are you going to ask for her back if the explanation is up to your standards?" Lisa asked me as I looked directly at her.
"I... I don't know." I whispered as I looked down to my hands that were on my lap.
"Please just guard your heart," Jennie said, "we'll be here for you when you get back whenever. And you're not leaving a single detail out. Also we know what we are going to tell the staff if they notice you're gone." She finished as I looked at them thankfully.
"Thank you guys, I love you. And I will guard my heart, I promise." They looked satisfied with my answer and then ordered some room service real quick because I need to eat before I leave. It was Korean food and the vibe with the girls was nice before the unknown will happen. I also had a glass of wine for encouragement before I started to get ready to leave.
I bundled up in a big coat and boots since it snowed a bit since the end of the concert. I also got a pretty big mask on to hopefully hide my damn identity better. My eyes then caught that royal blue fabric of y/n's beanie sticking out of my luggage. I glanced at the girls and they were just smiling at me; Lisa wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. I smiled back and went over to put it on my head. Jennie adjusted it a little and then I was soon doing mission impossible.
Lisa stuck her head out of the door first and signaled that the coast was clear. Jisoo and Jennie then led me down the hall to the stairs and Jisoo stood by the entrance as a lookout. Jennie gave me a hug,
"Good luck." She said softly to me as she opened the door to the stairwell for me. I smiled at her and then was soon traveling down the stairs to the lobby. I went out the back exit and then was on my way to my... ex's apartment. Just saying that to myself left a distaste in my mouth and I hated it. Y/n is technically my ex and that doesn't even make sense in my brain.
I knew how to get to her apartment from here with my eyes closed because I've been there so many times. I turned left, then walked two blocks, took a right, and then three blocks, and boom. Her apartment building was the exact same and I took a deep breath before entering the doors. I made my way to the elevator and chuckled as a sign was hung on the elevator doors saying that it was broken. Y/n always complained about the elevator, so I shouldn't be surprised.
I turned to go up the stairs and everything hit me at once. I was going to see y/n for the first time in over 3 months since everything happened. I'll know the reason she left me and she'll know how broken I truly am because of her. I took multiple deep breaths to calm my rising heart rate as I soon arrived onto her floor. I walked down the hallway I remember so vividly and stood still right in front of her apartment door. Nothing changed with it; it was still the exact same.
Other people had small decorations on their doors, but y/n never did because she said they would always get taken because of how cool they were. I let out a shaky breath and lifted my hand up to knock on her door. I do have a key to her apartment, but that would be way past the line and an invasion of her privacy. Plus I didn't bring it with me anyway.
Knock knock knock.
I did just three knocks on her door and then took a small step back, waiting for her to come open the door. I shifted around on my feet and then furrowed my eyebrows after I had counted to 20 seconds in my head. I didn't hear her call out to the door or any footsteps on the other side. I checked my phone for the time and didn't realize that it was 12:47am, so she could be asleep.
But I tried again and knocked louder this time, hoping to wake her up. I didn't step back this time, I moved closer to the door and pressed my ear up against it, hoping to hear her grumbling and swearing to herself.
The sound of the apartment door next to hers startled me and I jumped back from y/n's door, looking to see who was also up at this time. It was a man, probably around y/n and I'd age. He was in his pajamas and had a bowl of popcorn he was carrying. He looked at me weirdly,
"Why are you knocking on that door at like 1am?" He asked me as I glanced back at y/n's apartment.
"I was just hoping to talk with y/n." I told him as he now looked more concerned than confused,
"You know she moved out, right?"
What..?
I blinked at him as silence overtook the hallway. He just glanced at the door,
"Yeah, she moved out after people tried to break into her apartment. Crazy shit, I don't blame her." He said nonchalantly as I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had mentally prepared myself to face y/n come to find out she doesn't even live here anymore.
"Um... thank you. Sorry for interrupting your evening." I said to him as he just nodded his head,
"It's okay. You have a nice night." He went to go back into his apartment, but I quickly said something,
"Do you know where she lives now?" He looked back over his shoulder,
"Not a clue. You could probably get the information from Somi though." I thanked him and then it was just me in the hallway once again.
Change of plans, now off to Somi's place.
I headed down the street and past her café on the way there. I smiled as I remembered the interactions I had with y/n there forever ago. I shook those thoughts from my head as I wasn't going to be talking with y/n now, I was going to be talking with Somi.
I got to her apartment building and got to the working elevator thank god. I hit Somi's floor and then planned out what I was going to say to her. I was now knocking on her door and I heard footsteps approaching the door this time.
"Who the fuc– Rosie." She started to yell, but then quickly shut up once her brain processed it was me standing in front of her.
"Hi." I said as she just stared back at me, completely dumbfounded.
"I uh, what are you doing here?" Somi asked as her eyes went straight to the beanie on my head.
"Well, I was wondering if you'll tell me where y/n moved to so I can talk with her." I explained as she nodded her head slowly,
"Yeah, I can't do that. Have a good night thou–"
"Somi, please. I just need to talk with her." I begged as she sighed,
"I'm still not going to say, but you can come in for a little." I wasn't expecting that, but I accepted the offer and walked into her apartment. I saw that she was watching something on her TV and she had a large pizza on her coffee table. I stood near the couch as she sat down. She glanced up at me, waiting for me to talk.
"Um, what?"
"Well why did you look for y/n?" She asked me as she took a bite of her pizza.
"Since I want to talk with her, I obviously need to look for her."
"Why do you want to talk to her?"
"Because I'd like to know why my then girlfriend left me like it was practically nothing! I want to know the exact fucking reason she disappeared from my life because it was apparently so bad she couldn't even tell me goodbye!" I said loudly to Somi. She looked at me with an unreadable expression, making it so hard to guess what she was thinking.
"What if she had a valid reason to leave?"
"If protecting me was her reason, she did it physically, but not mentally or emotionally." I said flatly as her eyes widened a bit.
"She was also hurting." Somi said as I scoffed,
"Oh no, she was hurting?" I said sarcastically, "well then I'd love to hear why because I know damn well it wasn't even half of how I was feeling! She was the first person I gave my heart and body to, and she just walked away. She's been in previous relationships, but she was my first with basically everything, so it hurt like a bitch when the girl I thought I was going to grow old with left me hanging."
That seemed to hit her in the heart. I took a few breaths because I had to control my emotions. I didn't realize a few tears had slipped out of my eyes until I tasted the salt on my lips.
"I'm guessing you still love her?" Somi asked quietly as she motioned towards the beanie her best friend always wore.
"Of course I do, and I hate myself for that." I said with a sad laugh as a few more tears fell from my eyes. Somi got up from the couch and wrapped me up in a hug. I cried against her shoulder and she just held me, allowing me to cry.
"I promised y/n I wouldn't tell you where she lives. I had to watch her practically die of a broken heart for almost two months before she somewhat recovered from that. She'll come find you when she's ready, and I'm glad to know you're ready to talk." She whispered into my ear as she pulled back from the hug. I nodded my head,
"Okay, I'll still wait for her. But please let her know that I'm ready to talk. I need to see her again, even if it makes my broken heart worse."
"I'll let her know, Rosie. Now go back to your hotel, you need to sleep after how busy you've been. Goodnight. Oh, and I'll respond to your messages now."
"Thank you Somi." I told her as I headed out of her apartment.
Y/n's POV
"Okay, I'll still wait for her. But please let her know that I'm ready to talk. I need to see her again, even if it makes my broken heart worse." I heard muffled through the door of Somi's guest bedroom. I held back my own tears as I know Rosie is currently so close to me, yet so far.
I heard the apartment door close and Somi called out my name. I walked out of her room and sat down on the couch where I was before the knock on the door.
"She really needs you y/n. She still has your beanie and she was wearing it."
God damn it.
————
told yall to buckle up. i felt like i just needed to add that part with 'Gone' bc it really fits what rosie is feeling like rn in the story. if u guys thought this chapter was a wild ride, MY GOD YALL ARE GONNA LOSE IT NEXT CHAPTER. like i was shocked that i even wrote it myself tbh.
oh, and there are only 2 more chapters after this by the way (then the epilogue as well, so 3 total)
thanks for reading, love u all <3