It was in one of those psychology books that Iruka had always read- the fact that lonely people had the tendency to take longer baths and showers than the rest of the population... Something about the hot water acting as an artificial substitute for the emotional and physical warmth that lonely people didn't give or receive in their daily lives.
Kakashi took hot baths regularly- at least when his fiance, Iruka Umino, wasn't there. He'd done it for almost as long as he could remember as a weird means of coping with everything, but after his fiance had moved in, he'd stopped partaking in it as often as he had before, not wanting to risk the younger man seeing him emotional and raw; vulnerable.
It was something he did when he was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. He'd walk into the bathroom, leave the door open, run some water, and soak for a few hours. It was like an escape from the real world in the secluded space of his bathtub, the door only left open to remind him that he could get up and leave whenever he wanted.
Something about the hot water was familiar and comforting in a haunting way, scalding just enough to make him hurt without actually doing any damage, the bright red that it would temporarily turn his skin barely noticeable.
Times like these were the only times he allowed himself to cry. He was alone, blocked off from the world, and no one was around to see him being so weak. So, he'd let a few tears slip, maybe a couple of sobs, and if he was especially pent up, he'd punch the porcelain enameled cast iron material that the small tub consisted of once or twice- never hard enough to do any serious damage, but definitely hard enough to channel some of his pent up emotions.
The water was slowly losing heat, its temperature cooler than that of Kakashi's pale skin. Dark eyes fell to his own body, completely bare and available for him to scrutinize. He scolded himself in the back of his mind for not putting bubbles in when he'd been running the water, hating the sight of all of the little curves and ridges that made up his body; every silver hair on his head, every finger on his hands and toe on his feet, the way his chapped lips felt against his tongue, down to every little mole and scar that littered his face and arms.
Cold, wet fingers traced over his scars at the same time the tears cascaded down his face and fell when they met the point between his lower cheek and his jawline, some falling down into the clear water that submerged his body and others opting to roll down the length of his neck.
All of his scars were ugly, he thought. Painful reminders of both things that could have been and things that shouldn't have been.
By the time his fingers finally made it to his face, the pointer carefully trailing up his left cheek, his entire body was shaking. When his fingertip brushed against the bottom of the vertical scar that went down the length of his left eye, he jerked his hand back at the feeling of it. To many, it wasn't something to be self-conscious about, but Kakashi saw it as a chasm of ragged, healed skin that was a subservient reminder of his own failures- or, in short, something that he should definitely be self-conscious about.
Almost as if snapping out of a trance, the silver-haired man pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his face in his lower thighs in an attempt to comfort himself, able to feel the water skim across the bottom of his chin.
He tensed upon hearing the door open, lifting his head as his eyes snapped up to meet those of his lover; brown, tired, and full of worry the second that the situation registered. They both froze and allowed a few seconds to pass, Iruka clearly trying to figure everything out, Kakashi debating on what move he should make or what excuse he should give for looking so terribly pitiful, sitting in a bathtub full of cold water so late at night- or, rather, so very early in the morning. He wasn't quite sure what time it was due to how he'd been sitting in the bathtub with nothing but his own thoughts to keep him company for hours on end.
Iruka had gone on a B-rank mission- one that he shouldn't have returned from for at least another day, but for whatever reason, he was home early.
"Kakashi..."
His eyes were hurting, plagued with a burning sensation, both from the crying itself and from how he'd started desperately trying to blink the tears away upon Iruka's arrival. In fact, he was almost sure that having to stare up at Iruka, who was looking down at him so sympathetically, might've made the pain worse.
Almost like it was on instinct, Iruka dropped the bag on his back and allowed it to fall to the ground, quickly making his way to the bathtub and kneeling down beside it. He was careful as he caressed Kakashi's cheeks with his hands, looking into the Jonin's eyes with nothing but unadulterated concern.
"You don't have to coddle me."
"I'm not coddling," Iruka muttered, anxiety rolling off of him in waves as he allowed his hands to fall from Kakashi's face and pulled the plug that sat in the bottom of the tub before running hot water to even out the temperature of the previously cold bath. "I'm making sure you're okay. There's a difference."
"You don't have to do that."
"Yes, I do," Despite his earlier words, Kakashi actually felt some relief at the feeling of the water going hot again- even more so when one of Iruka's warm, soothing hands was placed on his shoulder. Though the skin was calloused and rough, the touch was soft and tender in nature, and Kakashi found himself leaning into it, grounded by his fiance's presence. "You're freezing. I'll be right back."
As soon as he'd been graced by Iruka's presence, said presence had disappeared, only to return a minute or so later with a towel and a washcloth. The towel went on the bathroom counter, the washcloth on the side of the bathtub, and Iruka was back to kneeling at Kakashi's side, reaching over the silver-haired man for a bottle of shampoo.
Kakashi clenched his fists for a moment, still unsure of how he was going to explain everything. Thankfully, neither of them were really all that normal, and Iruka seemed to be willing to try to understand everything about him- even things like this.
"How was the mission?" He questioned, trying to break the silence that had taken over the room. For the first time in years, he realized just how much he hated when things were quiet. Or maybe he was just realizing that he hated when things were quiet around Iruka. The brunette paused, pouring a small amount of shampoo into one of his hands, using the water that was already in Kakashi's damp hair to lather it with as he began to tentatively massage the Jonin's scalp. Kakashi allowed his knees to separate from his chest, stretching his legs out a bit and leaning back as he relished in the treatment; Iruka's gentle fingers running through his hair, blunt nails lightly scratching the top of his head.
"It went well. We just had to escort a few tourists back to The Cloud Village. We had someone try to rob us at one point, but it was just a civilian, so we handled it pretty quick," Iruka explained, and Kakashi couldn't help but feel guilty when he realized that Iruka had been gone working for almost a week, only to come home to- well, this. The brunette smelled like sweat and cologne, his hair was oily, and he probably hadn't even gotten the chance to shower or do anything else for himself over the past couple of days. But, here he was, taking care of Kakashi. The silver-haired man tried to ignore it, watching as Iruka turned the water on again. "Turn around and put your head back for me, love."
Kakashi did as told, shifting so that his head was near the faucet, the water running over the top of his hair as the sound of rushing water filled his ears. One of Iruka's hands drifted into the tub, moving so that his palm would be near the base of Kakashi's head, which he carefully held up as he used his other hand to rinse the shampoo out of the former Anbu's hair.
"You're home earlier than you said you'd be," Kakashi spoke, quiet as Iruka turned the water back off. He sat up, leaning back against the tub again. The brunette grabbed a bottle of body wash- his body wash; a lilac scented one that Kakashi had always thought was comforting when he smelled it on Iruka- and the washcloth that had been lingering on the side of the tub.
"I'm glad I am," The Chunin sighed, dipping the washcloth into the water and covering it in a thin layer of body wash before taking it to Kakashi's body, softly scrubbing his pale skin. "But I'm assuming you're curious. Basically, we'd accounted for an extra day on the schedule I told you about because we were going to travel on foot, but the tourists actually had access to a good carriage, so that saved us a lot of time. That's why I'm home early." When Iruka was finished, he set the washcloth down on the side of the tub again and quickly rinsed the Jonin's body off before standing up and offering his hand. Kakashi leaned forward to pull the drain plug, the water slowly seeping out of the tub. "Can you stand up?"
"Of course I c-" Kakashi started, rolling his eyes, but cutting himself off when Iruka shot him a stern glare.
"It's just us," Iruka reminded him, so he acquiesced, taking the brunette's hand and using it to stand up and step out of the tub. Before he could do anything else, Iruka was letting go, only to grab the towel and tightly wrap it around the former Anbu's body. "Stop wearing the mask, Kakashi."
The two walked out of the bathroom and down the hall, Kakashi's feet still slightly wet when they walked into their shared bedroom. Iruka gestured for Kakashi to sit down on their bed, so he did, watching with lazy eyes as the younger man went over to their dresser drawers and took a pair of pajama pants, boxers, and a t-shirt, those of which he placed in a neatly folded pile near where Kakashi was on the mattress. There was almost no light in the room, but thankfully, Iruka fixed that by turning on the lamp that sat on the nightstand beside their bed. The silver-haired man still had the towel wrapped around him, and he stopped gripping the green material so he could reach up and grab one of the brunette's wrists.
"Iruka..." He started, feeling like he should explain himself, though Iruka only leaned forward, pressing a tender kiss against the back of Kakashi's hand before pulling out of the former Anbu's grip.
"Hush. I'll be back in a few. Stay there, okay?"
With that, Iruka left the bedroom. Kakashi was confused as to what he was doing until he heard the distant sound of their shower turning on, followed by the echo of water pitter-pattering against the shower wall and floor. Iruka usually liked to shower when he got home, so it wasn't unusual. Kakashi took the time to throw his towel into the hamper that was in the corner of the bedroom and change into the comfortable set of clothes that Iruka had set out for him.
A good twenty minutes passed before Iruka returned, but when he did, the silver-haired man found himself letting out a small sigh of relief.
"Hey," Kakashi greeted, raising his eyebrows in surprise when he saw that Iruka had both a mug in his hands and a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair loose and damp. Iruka smiled, walking back to the dresser and setting the cup down on the top momentarily before finding some underwear and one of Kakashi's t-shirts to put on. Then, once he was dressed, he picked the mug back up and approached Kakashi with it.
"Here's some tea," Iruka pushed the cup into his hands, so he took it, smiling at the warm ceramic against his fingers. Steam rose from the hot tea as he lightly sipped at it.
"Aren't you going to bed?" Kakashi questioned, eyebrows now furrowing together as he handed the tea to Iruka, who took the cup and finished it off before resting it on the nightstand. "You've been gone for days. You must be tired... You don't have to worry about me so much."
"Stop saying that," Iruka scolded, placing one hand on Kakashi's back, the other on the older man's thigh. "Of course I have to- I want to," He emphasized, the hand that was on Kakashi's back moving up to smooth a few stray locks of silvery hair out of his face. "Why don't you ever let me worry about you? How long have you been doing that for, anyway? Or is it new?"
"It's not new," Kakashi gulped as he answered, pulling away from the brunette's touch. He'd probably started the habit after his father had died. He sighed, not wanting to think back on that but unable to help it as he moved back to lay all the way down on the mattress on his side, staring blankly at the wall. "The past twenty years, probably. It used to be routine, but I stopped doing it most days when you moved in because I didn't want you to worry. I only do it when you're gone now."
"So... Why?" Iruka scooted up the length of the bed, laying down next to the Jonin and staring up at the ceiling. The silver-haired man was glad that Iruka's gaze wasn't on him for once. This was... Embarrassing, to be honest. He'd never wanted Iruka to find out about this. "I mean, what even is it?"
"A coping mechanism, I think," Kakashi reached over, running his fingers through Iruka's loose hair to detangle it- a nervous habit of his. "Nothing in particular is going on right now, it's just... Time for me to think about everything. A thing I do."
"You know, you didn't have to hide it from me," Iruka murmured, looking over at him, his gaze warm and reassuring. "I won't judge you for anything."
"I didn't want you to worry."
"I'll always worry about you... You getting sleepy yet?"
"A little bit. I'm tired, and I don't really want to talk about this any more than I already have."
Iruka let out a small hum and leaned over to turn the lamp off, rolling over to face Kakashi. The silver-haired man didn't hesitate, wrapping his arms around Iruka and pulling him close. The brunette buried his face into his chest, a hand resting on his back and slipping underneath his shirt to rub up and down the pale skin in a soothing manner.
"You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. You know I'm here when you need me, though." Kakashi nodded at that, allowing his dark eyes to fall shut. Iruka pulled away from Kakashi's chest, just to lean up and press a kiss against the former Anbu's left eyelid- right where the top of his scar was. It was odd how something that he'd thought of as ugly less than an hour before could feel so beautiful when Iruka's lips brushed against it like that, almost like the brunette's kisses could raise golden flowers on his skin and shine sunlight on the dark reminder of his worst failure. He hadn't wanted to cry again, but he couldn't help it, struggling to stay silent as tears welled up in his eyes and fell out at a rapid pace like water out of the crack of a broken dam. "You're crying again."
"I know," He mumbled in response, tightening his arms around the brunette's body and pulling him closer as he tried to keep his voice steady. "I just... Love you."
"I love you, too. I always will," Iruka's hand on his back was soothing, grounding as he leaned up again to kiss Kakashi's teardrops away. The silver-haired man allowed his eyes to fall shut again, a sigh falling from in between his chapped lips. "Good night, Kakashi."
"Good night, Iruka."