So, this is a rather long chapter, with a lot of shocking and new things, so please don't scream at me. But as always, comments are welcome. I also want to thank you all for your lovely comments. So, well. Everything has its reason and purpose, I promise. Or at least I hope so. Enjoy reading. Cheers.
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20th June 2019 – FRANCE – FIA HQ PARIS
The days between visiting the woman who had given birth to her and her flight to Paul Ricard's Joanna had broken so many of her rules. She wanted badly to get drunk alone and take some pills but instead, she ignored all the calls from Alain, Kiwi and Andrew. They even made Sebastian reach out to her, but she didn't want to speak with any of them. She wanted to be alone.
Her mother was exactly as she always feared she would be. Somehow it felt ironic. Diana was the future Joanna was so afraid of having. She didn't want to die alone, sick and destroyed by her obsessions, but there wasn't really a way out, was there? Of course, the Austrian knew it wasn't too late to still change a few things, but in the end, did she want that? Wasn't it better if she would just disappear one day?
Diana had said Morbus Parkinson, which left Joanna – as soon as the hangover was under control and her sunglasses in place – to google what it exactly was her mother was suffering from. Muttering a short, of course, as Joanna read that it was a genetically inheritable disease, she stopped her research and called her doctor. Just to stop her from panicking and to ask someone, who was actually more professional than a search machine.
The doctor gave her a crash course, telling Joanna enough to agree that she would take a DNA test as soon as she would land at Paul Ricard's so they would know if Diana Delacroix was the woman, who had given birth to her or not until they would know about these test results, there was no reason to worry. Other things would be disgust later, which kind of calmed but also made her uneasy.
"Do you want to talk about something?" Kiwi asked Joanna as she sat down next to her in a corner at the Mercedes facility. Their breakfast was already waiting for them, the tea has almost gone cold, but Joanna wasn't one to be on time, even though she was a professional race driver.
Reaching out to take the bowl of fruit salad which was topped with a little bit of yoghurt Joanna shook her head. A lot of things were on her mind but talking about it was about the last thing she wanted to do. Her mother was exactly like she had imagined her to be after all, so there was no reason to talk about it.
"I think it's time to tell people, Joanna." The Aussie said after a long moment of silence. Her voice was low so nobody could hear them.
"I know you don't want to talk about it and that we had a deal that I would never talk about it either. You would take your vitamins and take good care of yourself, but even though you believed it, the situation isn't taking care of itself." Kiwi pointed out worried, gesturing around with her fork with which she had speared a piece of pineapple. All Joanna could do was allow her eyes to follow the piece of fruit before it ended up in Kiwi's mouth. She wondered if Kiwi actually liked to eat kiwis, she had no idea.
"I never got that far before," Joanna whispered more to herself than to Kiwi. "How high were the chances that the universe changes its opinion about me?"
They both knew that it was stupid, but Joanna had always been good at blocking things out. Her pregnancy wasn't something she had allowed herself to think about since she found out the morning after she returned from her father's refugium in the Austrian Alps. Joanna didn't have the headspace to go through all that again, so she did the only thing she could think about, so she and the baby would at least be moderately okay, she told Kiwi. The only person she trusted enough to take care of things for her.
The Aussie helped her hide the morning sickness and she made up excuses for Joanna's lack of energy and her general tiredness. All side effects of her father's death as the two women claimed, but it was far from it. Of course, her father's death burdened and stressed Joanna, but it didn't leave physical impairments, only mental ones. Andrew seemed to sense that something was a miss, but he had learned to not question Kiwi and Joanna if they were up to something together.
"It's time to make some decisions," Kiwi told Joanna softly, her hand resting on the Austrian's to provide her with a bit of comfort, but Joanna's conflicted expression told Kiwi already enough.
"I will take a break from racing for the rest of the season and will go for adoption." The Austrian answered, her expression was still the same.
The younger Mercedes driver was not sure what to do, Kiwi knew that much. At first, they have spoken about abortion, but the thought was fast to be ruled out by Joanna. She didn't want to lose another child. They both knew she couldn't bear it. The option Joanna now thought about most was giving the baby up for adoption, even though Kiwi didn't believe for even a moment that Joanna would be able to bring herself to give her baby away. Not after wanting one for so long.
"Please, do tell Max before you make any harsh decisions." Kiwi pleaded with Joanna, but the Austrian shook her head, her gaze finally morphing into something else, but not the look of worried excitement Kiwi had hoped for, but a hardened front of bitterness.
The Austrian knew that people would say terrible things about her, should they ever learn that Joanna had been pregnant but didn't take a step back. She felt bad about it as well, but Joanna couldn't risk herself like this and there wasn't really much she could do anyway, so she listened to Kiwi.
The Aussie made sure Joanna took her vitamins, ate enough and generally took good care of herself and she did. Joanna had a few drinks since she had learned about the pregnancy, but they were all virgin-style. She tried, she did, but that didn't change the fact that Joanna wasn't good at it. Writing down what she ate and not drinking anymore was all she was capable of doing. And for now, that was enough. But soon, she would have to tell more people, make it publicly known and worst of all, she needed to tell Max about it. Max, who didn't want her back and who had a picture-perfect girlfriend.
"He doesn't want me. Having a baby won't change that." Joanna said, but Kiwi wasn't so sure about that. Max loved Joanna, after all, maybe all they needed was a push in the right direction, but she also understood that they believed it couldn't work ever again due to difficulties they had to face in the last year.
"Joanna, I'm not saying that to hurt you, all I want to do is help you, so you can believe me when I say that Max will never forgive you should you decide on anything without asking for his opinion. Do tell him as soon as possible. Promise me you will."
Max would be furious with her for not saying something earlier, for racing despite being pregnant, for risking herself and their child like that, Kiwi was sure about that. The Dutchman had always been protective over the Austrian.
"If you don't tell him for his sake, tell him for the baby's sake. The doctor asked us for the father's family medical history for a reason." She pointed out in the hope that Joanna would finally give up her stubbornness and simply tell Max.
Joanna was almost three months along after all and time was running out. Finding a race suit which hide everything would be impossible soon enough and the doctor had told them that the five months mark was the maximum for Joanna to keep racing, even though he would have wanted her to stop right away.
"I know," Joanna muttered. "Can you come with me to the next check-up? Sitting alone in this waiting room between all these happy couples is depression." Joanna asked while rolling her eyes annoyed, earning herself a soft look, Kiwi nodded.
"Of course." She promised. "I bet Max would like to be there too. Meeting his child, you know." She added which caused Joanna to give her an unsure expression.
"How can you be so sure about that?" She wanted to know, the cup of tea hovering close to her lips, but she wasn't taking a sip just yet. God, she wanted to drink coffee again.
"I know a good guy when I see one. Max might need a few days to get to terms with it, but he's a good guy. He will know what's right to do." Kiwi said, causing Joanna to lean back in her seat, and cross her arms over her chest with a short nod.
The Aussie was sure that it wouldn't be all too long before people would start seeing the first signs of her pregnancy. The only reason why the world didn't know just yet was that Joanna's belly was rather small for three months pregnant. The doctor had told them that it was perfectly fine, it happened often to slim women with a more athletic form. The baby huddles closer together but that was not a reason to worry.
"I will think about telling him, but I have to go now anyway," Joanna said already getting up. She had an appointment in the medical centre after all. The Austrian was already on her feet, about to walk away as Kiwi called her name, causing the Austrian to turn around and face her.
Getting something from her bag, Kiwi handed her a hand full of vitamin pills and a bottle of water, with an unimpressed expression. Smiling apologizingly at her, Joanna threw the pills into her mouth and took a sip of water before swallowing them down. Opening her mouth and showing Kiwi her tongue just to be a little shit and prove that she had swallowed then all, the Aussie waved at her dismissively.
"Get lost, I need to work as well," Kiwi told her which caused Joanna to laugh.
"You're my PR, you only have to work when I fuck up." Joanna pointed out which caused Kiwi to give her a dirty look over her shoulder.
"Excuse you, have you seen these blogs recently? All I do is save your honour." Smiling softly, Joanna curtsied, her fingers holding the end of her long skirt as she did so. This was the perfect day for this outfit as it seemed.
"Defending a lady's honour, how very noble of you." Joanna made fun of Kiwi resulting in the Aussie throwing her team jacket at the Austrian before telling her to stop wasting time. She had to sign a few boxes full of merchandise as soon as she came back, earning herself an annoyed groan from the Austrian before she left.
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Joanna knew it was risky, to visit the medical facility at Paul Ricard's and ask one of the doctors to make such a test but after spending the flight from La Rochelle to the track with thinking about all the things she had read and the things her doctor had said, there was no other way than to actually do a DNA test to make sure. Joanna just wanted this test to be done. She wanted to know if she would end up like the woman who claimed to be her mother or not.
Swinging her legs, the Austrian waited impatiently for the doctor on duty. She could have simply asked their team doc to take a look at it, but she wanted it to be as inpersonal as humanly possible. They just needed a little bit of blood, and they would know after a little while. It was just like a test for STDs, and they had these all the time. Not specifically test for STDs but tests for everything under the sun. Even though they normally were on Sunday mornings and not Thursday afternoon.
With the documents the rehab facility had promised to send, she didn't even need the woman to figure out if she was her mother or not and even if there would be things she needed, Joanna was sure Alain would organise them for her. Joanna wouldn't talk to that woman ever again, certainly not until she knew the results and if even if it was the truth, she might not go and meet her mother again. There was no reason to go back there. The Austrian had lived her life for about 27 years without a mother, she didn't need one now.
"Miss Lauda." The doctor addressed her before starting to explain the procedure, but Joanna couldn't help but zone out. It wasn't like she had never been tested before. Her mind went back to what would happen to her if the test would be positive. Nothing really, Joanna wasn't obligated to change anything about her life. But something was itching in her fingers, she was afraid of the result, not because of Diana, but the sickness which might come with it. The disease which would take over her life forever. The terrible thought that she could leave her child with the same sickness came to her mind. She would never forgive herself for that.
"Is that it?" The Austrian wanted to know as the doctor removed the siring and put a pad on the injection site. The younger Mercedes driver had already moved to press the pad to her arm herself while she pulled the ribbon from her upper arm, ready to leave.
"Yes. The DNA diagnostics will take up to a week. Any other test you want to be taken when we're already on it. Pregnancy, drugs, STDs?" The doctor said which caused Joanna to raise an eyebrow before rolling her eyes and jumping from the medical examination table.
"No thanks, I think I'm good." The Austrian let him know while getting herself a plaster from one of the jars standing around.
Stopping for a moment, she realised that she hadn't used protection while sleeping with Max and even though she trusted him to be absolutely clean also due to being tested for everything under the sun because of work, but she didn't trust Kelly, no matter the issue at hand and they already had her blood so why not getting tested?
"You know what? Just test me on everything. To make sure, just not pregnancy." She told the doctor which caused the man to nod. The younger Mercedes driver turned around to use her backside to push the door open before leaving.
Walking down the little alley between the medical facility and the main FIA building, Joanna was looking down at her arm, lifting the pad a little bit to see whether the blood had already clotted or not as she run right into a firm chest.
Stumbling a few steps back, Joanna cursed under her breath in German, while checking her arm again in worry that the sudden movement had caused more blood to come from the little wound again.
"No need to call me that," Max said offended, understanding her German slurs even though they were strongly accented. But to be honest, knowing a language to understand if you got insulted or not wasn't necessary. Max knew the moment he caught the tone Joanna had used.
"I wasn't the one who didn't look where they were going." He added, but Joanna wasn't paying attention to him. She removed the pad, before putting the plaster on and pulling her sleeve down again.
"I should call you worse," Joanna said, which Max ignored in return.
"Were you getting tested? For what? It's Thursday." Max wanted to know, his eyebrows knitted together causing Joanna to believe she saw something like worry in his eyes. She surely wouldn't tell him about her mother, for nothing in this world. Max had been more than clear that he didn't want her any longer or more all her problems and her mother were one of the bigger issues in her life. Just as this one other thing she knew she needed to tell him about but not like this.
"That is so none of your business." The Austrian replied ready to push past Max, but the Dutchman got hold of her arm and pulled her back into the alley before she could really exit it.
"What the fuck? Learn to respect the boundaries you have set." Joanna muttered as Max pushed her back deeper into the alley, forcing the two of them to round a corner to end up at a dead end. Absolutely nobody would ever find them here in this architectural planning mishap. It would be a good place for a murder actually.
Joanna also couldn't understand why it always had to be an alley. She didn't want to have a reputation of being someone to hide in dark alleys with other people's boyfriends, even though that was exactly what she did right now. What happened to the good old broom closet? If you were lucky there was light in there and you could lock the door. This alley thingy was highly dubious in Joanna's book, but Max seemed to like them.
"I can think of a few things which would be my business concerning the little test you just did." The Dutchman said seriously, causing Joanna to give him a disgusted look. That he was even thinking something like that made her feel dirty.
"Oh yeah? Like what, huh?" The Austrian challenged, which caused Max to shake his head displeased. Sometimes he felt as if he was talking to a child if she was like this. He didn't mean harm, he just wanted to know what was going on. Joanna Lauda is the last person on earth to go and see a doctor without other people forcing her to do so and the fact that she had been totally alone told him that nobody forced her which meant something was absolutely off.
"J, come on. What's wrong?" Max asked again, but he saw it in her face the moment he muttered the nickname he gave her that she won't answer him. This won't be a civil conversation because he just reminded her that this wasn't him caring for her, but for himself. Even though Max didn't see it like that at all.
"You ask me what's wrong? Maybe that you accuse me of being a whore." The Austrian raised her voice at him which caused the Dutchman to huff while crossing his arms over his chest.
"I never said that," Max argued. "But maybe you are, or you would have already told me why you had yourself tested."
"You're such an asshole," Joanna told him angrily. "I'm not the one who already has someone new, for weeks actually. The only one I've been sleeping with for years by now is you. If one of us is a slut, it's so not me."
Max saw the challenge in Joanna's bright and intelligent eyes. She was calling him out, trying to get him to lose his temper and it frustrated him how good she was at it. Letting his arms fall to his side, the Red Bull driver looked her up and down for a moment, before reaching out. His fingers spread from Joanna's cheekbones to the underside of the side of her neck as he turned the both of them around and pushed Joanna into the wall. Not as gentle as he could have, but at that moment he didn't care.
"I dare you to say that again," Max said, searching her eyes, his gaze burning with anger, but the rage and all the ugly feelings were gone as Joanna opened her mouth.
"For fuck's sake, Max." She complained her eyebrows knitted together in dull pain, while her hand had shot up to the backside of her head, but it was the way his name left her lips. Too close to a moan to not be arousing. Sometimes he hated her and the effect she still had on him.
Max couldn't stop his body from reacting to Joanna. He took a step forward so his body was touching hers, leaning against her chest with one of his legs between hers, but his eyes were on her lips. Every second his gaze flickered to her eyes, but ultimately his gaze found her lips again.
Joanna on the other hand settled the hand with which she had been checking the back of her head on Max's shoulder as she noticed his eyes on her lips. Relaxing her face, Joanna parted her lips, while her gaze found Max's. Joanna tried to fight herself, but her fogged mind was losing against her body following its intuition.
It was Max who finally gave in, diving forward to capture Joanna's lips into a heated kiss and in that moment as their lips met again, it felt like home. Joanna knew Max. She knew what he liked, and she knew that he would take care of her. No matter how often they fought and yelled at each other, this, this would always feel right. Max would never do something she didn't like or didn't want. It was good and it was safe.
Suddenly the floodgates collapsed. Something inside Joanna which was trying so damn hard to hold onto her self-control just gave in and allowed her to enjoy being with the man she loved.
Their lips found each other's over and over again, their hands never leaving each other for long, not when it was so good to be close, to touch and to hold. Breaking the kiss, Joanna leaned her forehead against Max's, their noses touching as the Austrian reached down to undo Max's belt and jeans. Causing the Dutchman to dive forward again and pull her into a bruising kiss while his hand moved to help Joanna with the belt.
Finally succeeding with Max's jeans and belt, the Dutchman was fast to reach below Joanna's skirt, to pull her slip down and move with it, so Joanna could support herself with her hand on his shoulder as he made her step out of her slip, before putting it into his jeans pocket so the piece of fabric wouldn't lay around.
Coming back up, Joanna smiled at him as Max moved to kiss her again. Getting hold of her wrist, he pinned them against the wall as he started kissing her neck. Heated and passionate, before letting his hand wander down her side to her thin and moving it upwards, while pushing his jeans and boxer shorts down, before reaching behind her and lifting her up, her legs around his hips, her upper body was leaning against the wall behind them.
"Max." Joanna moaned, which caused the Dutchman to smile while moving to kiss down Joanna's throat as good as he could with the stupid Mercedes shirt in the way, but he couldn't pull it from Joanna without letting go of her which he would do for nothing in the world right now, not when they were finally together again.
Allowing Joanna to pull him even closer, it was hard to keep the rhythm up while holding onto Joanna, but he had managed other things he didn't want as badly as this as well. His only concern right now was that he might hurt Joanna, so he moved one of his hands to rest between the back of her head and the wall, so at least she wouldn't get a concussion or something.
"J." He whispered close to her ear, which caused the Austrian to open her from pleasure closed eyes again, so Max could look into the intelligent bright eyes he had fallen in love with before he kissed her again. This time slower, with more care but they had to break apart soon after, both of them needy for air in their lungs.
Joanna's arm was hooked around the Dutchman's neck to hold onto him so he wouldn't pull away without her letting him. She wanted him close again, to never let him go. Biting her lips, Joanna tried to stop the noises which fought to be let out when Max pushed her over the edge only to follow her right away. Coming with her name on the tip of his tongue.
Breathing heavily Max leaned against Joanna and the wall for a rather long while, before Joanna groaned which told him it was time to let go of the Austrian. Pulling back a little bit from the wall, Max allowed Joanna's legs to slip down his legs before the tip of her shoes touched the ground again. Their foreheads still resting against each other, before Max pulled away to pull his clothes back up.
Watching Max rightening his clothes all Joanna could do was leaning against the wall and watching him with a worried expression. This was a mistake. The fucking best mistake she did in a while, but nevertheless, a mistake. Doing such things wasn't getting them anywhere and talking seemed to often lead to sex, shouldn't one of them run away before. This was such a mess.
"Are you okay?" Max's voice finally caused the fog to parish, earning himself a glance from Joanna. She was so not okay but saying that won't change anything. So, she allowed Max to brush her hair behind her ear while he gently fussed over the Austrian Mercedes driver, so she would look presentable again. Joanna on the other hand didn't feel like being presentable again.
Her life was such a fucking mess. She just wanted to go home. Shortly after the new year would start, she would turn 28 which meant she had two years and a half before she would turn thirty. Two years and a little bit to get her shit together, so she would have a normal life which would be absolutely age-appropriate.
Thirty is the mark and letting her ex fuck her, whose baby she was having, in a dark alley behind his girlfriend's back wasn't what she wanted from life. She wasn't a fucking teenager any longer, such behaviour wasn't alright. Joanna needed to get her shit together or everything people would remember is the fucking mess she was once she would retire. Insanely talented but a fucking mess. She didn't want to go down like this. She didn't want to end her career only to have a child which she will disappoint.
"I should go." The Austrian muttered, looking at Max for a moment before trying to move forward.
"J, wait," Max said as the Austrian stumbled upon taking the first step.
"Hey... Give it a moment, okay?" He tried to reason, but the Austrian pushed his hands away.
"Why would I? You were damn clear the last time we talked. You don't even want me." She bit back, which caused Max to take a step back.
"I didn't mean it the way it sounded." Max defended himself.
"You meant every word," Joanna replied angrily but there were tears in her bright intelligent eyes. "You meant every word the way it sounded and you're the reason why I'm upset. I can't keep making the same mistakes over and over again." Joanna said, causing Max to finally look up at her again.
"And you think I want to keep coming back to you? I'm destroying my life, Joanna because I can't stop coming back to the woman ...." Max told her bitterly but he couldn't say it.
"The woman ... what?" She challenged which caused Max to move forward again, which pressed Joanna's back against the wall while he rested his head on her shoulder, his hands moving to her hips.
"You know what. Losing feelings for you is impossible." Max muttered, which caused Joanna to bite her lips. Desperate to not allow herself to cry in front of Max, but that wasn't so easy, not with the mess her hormones were right now.
Max's hand moved from her hips over her belly which caused Joanna to tense for a moment while she could see from the corner of her eyes as Max furrowed his brows in confusion. He knew her body better than anyone else, which caused Joanna to push him from her. Earning herself a confused look.
The Austrian didn't answer, all she did was slide down the wall, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms around her legs and her face hidden against her underarms. Fuck him and fuck his life. It wasn't her doing. The lack of self-control wasn't her doing.
Max had no right to say such things to her. To hurt her over and over again. Every time he came back, he tore another part of her heart out and threw it into the trash. Joanna hadn't asked for this. Or his criticism that she wasn't normal, that something was always going on with her.
Her life was always messy. With no parents to look out for her, no siblings to annoy her. Joanna was never stable enough for a good relationship. The men she liked were never good for her, her friends tend to abandon her, even though this might be her fault for how much she pushed people away. Some people simply don't have a social support system and Joanna had suffered from being alone for decades already before she even met Daniel or Seb. Some things can't be repaired no matter how hard people tried.
Joanna will never be even moderately normal, but she had to live with that. It was still her fucked up life.
Hearing Max let out a sign, she thought he finally left but there was movement next to her, before she felt Max's hand on her knee, after he fussed a little bit over her skirt and made sure the fabric was covering her knees properly.
"I don't know what to do, okay?" Max asked after a moment while brushing a strain of her golden hair behind her ear, his thumb gently moved over her cheek in the process. "I don't know what to do, okay? I have people who count on me, who depend on me, but I don't care about that at all when it's about you and that scares me. I just ... I feel upset that I upset you and I asked what you did in the medical facility because I worry about you. I will always worry about you."
"You deserve so much better." The Austrian said and by now Max couldn't hear her saying that any longer. He hated it. It was always her ultimate argument which stopped every conversation.
"Do I? I'm pretty sure you called me an asshole not an hour ago," Max said which caused Joanna to laugh, even though her tears were freely sliding down her cheeks. Rolling his eyes, Max pulled her against him, so Joanna's head was resting against his chest.
"I don't want you to live for someone else," Joanna muttered earning herself an unamused huff from Max.
"Max." The Austrian said softly which caused the Dutchman to look at her. "I need to tell you something," Joanna added, but her bravery was already leaving her again.
It wasn't that hard. Just a few words. I'm pregnant. I'm having your baby. You're going to be a dad.
"I'm ... I made a test ..." She said, her hands in her lap, her eyes on her freshly painted fingernails before she looked up at Max again.
"It was a DNA diagnostic." She said cowardly. "I met my mother the other day," Joanna admitted, the tears rolling down her cheeks more prominent now.
"She's an awful person." Joanna hiccuped, which caused Max to pull her against his chest again, before asking Joanna what happened. The Austrian looked at him shortly, before telling him about the letter and her visit to La Rochelle. She told him everything, apart from the reason why she asked for a DNA diagnostic. No word was muttered about her mother's sickness.
Max had listened to every word Joanna had muttered. He simply stared up ahead at the wall in front of them, while allowing himself to enjoy the heat Joanna radiated and offering advice and comfort whenever Joanna asked for it. If he thought about the way the Austrian fitted perfectly into the side of his body, he didn't let Joanna know about it. After all, he was sure she knew.
Max's eyes travelled over Joanna's body as she muttered something about having her mother's tall but slim frame. The Red Bull driver had noticed that something else was a miss, but he let it go for now. It wasn't his place to ask after all. He wondered why Joanna had tensed as he had touched her stomach, it wasn't something that had never happened before, but it wasn't that time of the year.