So here we go. This chapter is a little bit longer for a change. Hope you enjoy reading it ;)
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Stopping the car, Joanna looked over at Daniel, who hadn't talked the whole drive. He had just watched the world as they drove to the graveyard. The last time she had visited Jules was too long ago, he deserved better treatment from his family, even though they tried to go on with their life, Jules is and will always be a part of their world.
Looking down at the bouquet of flowers Daniel was holding, he gave a sad smile, before exhaling. He reached over and squeezed Joanna's hand before the both of them got out of the car. Walking over the cemetery always felt wrong. They were too young to have some of their friends buried here already. But the gods of racing were never merciful. They had learned that the hard way.
Following Daniel, Joanna looked at the tombstones some of them weren't there the last time she had visited Jules. On their graves, the flowers were still fresh. Death was a strange concept to Joanna. She had lost two babies but they weren't buried. She hadn't wanted it back then. The thought that Jules kept them company now was the only thought she ever allowed herself to think.
Finally reaching Jules's grave, Joanna noticed the fresh flowers, seems like his mother still visited once a week. Reaching out to take Joanna's hand, Daniel put down the flowers next to the ones which were already there before straightening up again while Joanna moved to light the candles, they had brought with them.
"You know, I still wonder if he's at peace wherever he's now," Daniel said, his eyes on Jules's name engraved in the gravestone, his hand tightly holding onto Joanna's.
"I have to believe that he is." The Austrian answered as a silent tear slid down her cheek. Death has seemingly always surrounded her. Her sons, Jules, her father. Sometimes she wondered who would be next. How much more she could take before it would be here laying here for Daniel to visit. She never voiced that thought, but it seemed to be an ever-present weight in her brain nowadays.
"Have you cried?" Daniel suddenly asked which caused Joanna to look up to him.
"About Jules? Many nights." She admitted but Daniel shook his head.
"I'm speaking about Max. I heard crying actually helps. I'm not trying to be cruel ... I just. I don't know how to help you." The Aussie said causing Joanna to rest her head on his shoulder, her glance on Jules's grave, their hands still holding onto each other tightly.
"You don't need to help me, Daniel. I'm brave. Just make sure I don't have to worry about you so much any longer." Joanna said softly causing Daniel to rest his hand on hers which was holding his other one tightly.
"I survived too much to give up now." The Aussie joked, before smiling at Joanna. "But do promise me that I can die before you. I don't want to have to visit the both of you here."
"No promise made." The Austrian answered before they both muttered their goodbye and made their way back to Joanna's Mercedes.
"Are you flying to Paris?" Daniel wanted to know, but Joanna wasn't actually sure she should. There were so many things she had to take care of for her father. The Austrian still hadn't decided which properties she would sell and which she would keep. So, an FIA meeting could surely wait, but there were also a lot of things she needed to take care of. Her father's seat had fallen to her and even though a few years have passed since they installed the council, Joanna still hadn't named any further candidates for her seats. So, the answer was yes, she would spend her summer break working and all the time she had in between.
"Yeah. In a few days. Alain needs my help. I can't leave him with all these vultures alone." The Austrian said a sad exhale audibly. Sometimes Joanna would love to put her head into the sand and just ignore the world, but the work only piled up in her office in Paris.
"Do you want a charming Aussie for company?" Daniel asked which caused Joanna to give him a look but, in the end, she shook her head. Daniel needed to go home. He needed a good hug from his mum and he won't get that if he came along with her because Joanna knew that Daniel was too loyal to leave her once he had seen the mess of paperwork she was in. So, she declined his offer right away after thanking him. Some time on her own with just her work would do her good, she knew it. Just some peace and no drama for once. Joanna would actually enjoy that, but before that, she had another race to win.
6th June 2019 – CANADA
Standing by the counter in the Mercedes facility, Joanna waited for her back tea. Her elbows were resting on it while she had buried her face in her hands for a moment. It was way too early for them to be here, actually, but Toto wanted the whole team up and about by 6 o'clock in the morning for some top-secret last-minute meetings. That none of them was in the mood for a shenanigan like that because they had just flown in and arrived a few hours ago as Joanna and Lewis did, or because they had to work the whole night just to make sure the facility was up and running just like the garage.
"I always thought I had the best job in the world," James said as he stepped next to his driver which caused Joanna to pull her head out of her hands before giving her race engineer a tired look. The Brit had leaned against the counter right next to her, his eyes longingly on the cup of coffee that one of the barista girls just prepared.
"Now I think Toto is a sadist who hates us all," James added causing Joanna to snort.
"Oh please, He was voluntarily friends with my father. That alone should have scared us off, so the signs were there. You've been warned. It's on you." The Austrian muttered before her tired expression suddenly morphed into one of joy as the girl put the black tea in front of Joanna, a can of milk and some sugar with it. Watching Joanna as she poured some milk into her tea, James thanked the girl as she handed him his coffee as well.
"Anyways, wanna go over some data?" James asked as Joanna opened the third package of sugar only to pour it all into her tea, which caused her race engineer to give her a look, one eyebrow raised.
"What? I had a long flight. And my life is a mess, let me have my sugar." The Austrian told him earning herself an eye roll from the Brit, who just lifted his tablet to unlock it, which caused Joanna to moan. She really hated getting up early just to do work.
"Andrew won't like it." The Brit warned her which caused Joanna to give him an unimpressed look before taking the tablet from him as they went to look for a place to sit together which wasn't very hard to find because the whole facility was empty apart from the girl making coffee for the team and the two of them.
"Oh please, he won't even notice with how much he's all over Kiwi at the moment," Joanna muttered into her cup as she sat down, earning herself a look from James. One sip of coffee and this man was sunshine, how unpleasant.
"So, you did notice." He said while moving the tablet in the middle of them and opening the setup he had already been working on. Considering last year's setup and the changes which were done to the track. He couldn't really sleep on the flight.
"What do you mean ... so, I did notice? I always know what going on around me. I'm a very attentive person." The Austrian said which caused James to give her a challenging look.
"Maybe I'm still not over who you are. I still think I'm special because you pay enough attention to know my name." James muttered even though he always tried his best to be professional about it. The woman he was working with had broken so many records and was the biggest inspiration for a whole generation of young women. People looked up to her, wanted to be her and James was aware of that, way more than Joanna herself ever could. For her, it was normal that people wanted a picture with her, or started crying out of joy when she made polite small talk with them. But for James, it was still special to see what effect Joanna had on a crowd.
Smiling at James, Joanna thought about telling him that she also knew the names of his wife and their daughter, but in the end, she let it go. James valued professionalism over everything and had never even thought about talking about his family with Joanna once.
"What do you think how long it will take them before they confess their love for each other and leave me?" The Austrian asked while leaning back in her seat.
"Just because they like each other doesn't mean they can't do their job properly, JJ," James told her, but Joanna wasn't so sure about that.
She had noticed the glances between the two of them a few weeks ago but ignored it. But then the touching started. Both of them were always touchy people, but now their touches lingered, and Joanna didn't like it. Kiwi was by her side since 2008. She had been the one to guide her through each of her seasons and so has Andrew. She didn't want this approaching change. She wanted everything to be like it used to be. Normal. The Austrian wasn't sure if she could take another change in her life at the moment.
"We will see about that," Joanna muttered as suddenly something soft pushed against her leg, looking down, she found herself smiling at a certain bulldog. Moving in front of the dog on one knee, Joanna hugged the furry monster, who tried to lick her face as Lewis approached them.
"Sometimes I feel like you like him more than me," Lewis said, a green smoothy in hand and Angela right behind him.
Smiling up at the owner of the bulldog, Joanna let out a little huff. "Oh, certainly. Animals are better than people. Even though you're one of the better people."
Rolling his eyes, Lewis had to nod in agreement, before he took the free stool which James offered him, Angela taking the other one.
"Are you guys already working on the setup?" Angela wanted to know from James while both Mercedes drivers were gushing over the bulldog.
"Yeah, nothing better to do at the ungodly hour." He agreed while Joanna moved to take her seat again. Her night-black Mercedes jacket tightly pulled around her body as she crossed her arms in front of her chest for warmth.
"I meant to ask you. What do I need to do if I have an official request for the FIA council?" Lewis asked after taking a sip from his green smoothy which caused Joanna to look at him confused for a moment before answering.
"An official request? Can I ask what about?" The Austrian quizzed because different requests go over different people. Everything with sustainability went over Nico Rosberg, matters of the representation and PR appearances were handled by Nelson Piquet, concerns of mental health and the lower Formula series were Joanna's job. Legal matters were all Mika and Damon's domain.
"I had this idea about a new racing series," Lewis said. He already had a name for it. Extreme E. The aim of the race series is to illustrate the already visible consequences of climate change at particularly affected locations. It also aims for gender equality, so a team always consists of one female and one male driver.
"Well in that case you have to speak to Max. He's chief innovation officer." Joanna told Lewis earning herself a laugh from the older Brit, but as he saw Joanna's expression, he know that she wasn't kidding.
"So, if I want to launch an environment-friendly racing series I have to talk to Verstappen," Lewis said. This was certainly not the person he would have given such a position, but Max was actually very good at his job. He had an eye for what had potential and what was just a waste of money.
"Among others. Everything concerning sustainability is actually Nico's job." The Austrian told her friend, who snorted. Of course, he would have to work with the two of them for his little project and not people who actually liked him like Joanna or Mika.
"It's getting worse, if you want money from the FIA you have to talk to Keke Rosberg." Hearing that all Lewis could do was looking at the Austrian in disbelief.
"Pray tell, what actually is your job at the FIA?"
"I am responsible for the lower Formula series. Basically, young talents and their development as well as the mental health of the drivers in each series that the FIA supports or organises." The Austrian answered him which caused Lewis to nod as he took the last sip of his green smooth and leaned back in his seat.
"Have you seen what Toto send us?" Lewis asked after a moment which caused the Austrian to nod.
"I'm not really in the mood for any sponsor thingy. I would rather have media duty." She replied, a small smile playing around her lips, while she leaned her fingers on top of her cup.
"I take your sponsor responsibility when you take my sky interview later in the week." Lewis made her a deal, offering his hand for her to take, which caused Joanna to look him up and down for a moment before taking his hand.
"Deal." She told him while looking deep into his dark eyes.
8th June 2019 – CANADA
"I can't get my tyres into the right window that way," Joanna told James over the radio while she watched the traffic jam which was forming right in front of her. Time was ticking away, and the Austrian really needed to get in a good lap in. Her first outing wasn't bad by any means, but if she wanted a shot at pole, she needed to do that now due to track evolution, the times were faster now.
"Stay close to Verstappen, you can't let yourself fall back or the time is up before you can cross the line." The Brit told her over the radio, causing Joanna to groan. Such a command meant that the time was nearly up. Fuck the tyres, she needed to cross the line before time was up if she wanted a shot at anything but P10 and she really did.
Watching the time, James knew that they needed a miracle for Joanna to cross the line in time. She was stuck behind Verstappen, who was preparing for a last outing just like the Austrian, but he behaved as if he had all the time on this planet. Joanna just entered the last sector behind Max, the seconds ticking away.
She would manage. James knew how long it took her to drive through the third sector, so he leaned back a little bit, but it took Joanna longer to go through the sector than expected. Verstappen was breaking in front of her to slow her down intentionally, which James was fast to let Toto know, who used the time to call the race director, complaining about Verstappen and Red Bull.
"JJ, overtake him. Don't engage in his games." James warned the Austrian, but Joanna couldn't do anything. She was a sitting duck, overtaking Max with force would only result in a penalty for her, because Joanna knew that whatever Max was doing right now, whatever he was planning, letting her past didn't fit with it.
"I can't. He's closing the door." Joanna let James know, as Max suddenly pressed down his foot on the throttle, causing Joanna to do the same. Watching as Max crossed the line at the last second before the red light lightened up telling Joanna that she was too late. The Austrian didn't have another shot at pole, but the Dutchman did.
"Is he for real? What was that for?" Joanna called down the radio while hitting her steering wheel a few times. Feeling the emotions cook up in her, she was cursing some more as Toto came on the radio, telling her that they would have a word with the race director and that she didn't need to worry. They had her back after all, but it was Toto, who didn't need to worry, Joanna had her own back.
Driving her cooldown lap, the Austrian watched on the big screens around the track as Max did his final outing, before crossing the line which caused James to tell Joanna that Verstappen took pole and that she would start from P5, which wasn't as bad as they've expected.
"Forget it. Points are scored tomorrow. This means nothing." James reminded her, but Joanna was barely listening. She was sick of Max taking the piss. He broke her heart, okay fine. Whatever, but now he played dirty, and she would make sure he knew that she won't let him get away with that. Not as long as she was sitting in a car driving against him. Not as long as it was her, not him, who was champion.
Fumbling with her belt, it took her a few moments to get free, which was also due to her anger. Pulling her legs up, Joanna fought against the tightness of her cockpit which caused her to use both hands, pulling herself up with her arms, before her feet made contact with her seat in a not totally awkward way for once, so she could use them as well.
Putting the steering wheel back into the car, Joanna walked over so the FIA officials could weigh her, before removing her gloves while angrily storming over to where Max was standing. The Dutchman had just removed his helmet and put his cap on his head as he was faced with an angrily glove-remoting Austrian. Her with pure rage-filled eyes were everything he could see from her beautiful face with her helmet still covering her head. Just the visor was open.
"Are you for fucking real?" Joanna called out, catching Max's attention right away, he raised an eyebrow at her, his arms were fastly crossed over his chest, while he stood his ground looking at the angry Mercedes driver.
"What? You want to come at me in front of everybody?" Max asked, not at all angry. He knew what this was about, but Helmut had taken him to the side before Qualifying and told him that it wouldn't be as much of a shame if they had an opportunity to get rid of one of the Mercedes before the race tomorrow would even start, so Max did what they had asked of him. Slowing Joanna down was easy, facing her anger, not so much.
He was just fast to check over his shoulder to see that the international press had coughed their little encounter and even though Lewis was giving an interview, all the eyes were secretly or not so secretly on them. A pair of fighting drivers was always more entertaining to the press than what was actually achieved on the track and if it was between two FIA council members, it was even better in their opinion. Max did not share this opinion.
"Yeah, I don't care about that. You're a fucking cheater. Had no way to beat me fair and square so you played dirty and made sure I won't even have a chance." She accused him, while angrily pulling her helmet from her head, the earpieces following suit, before she put it down on the table of the first place, right next to Max's things.
"You were just driving too slow," Max answered, his voice neutral while Joanna was burning with anger. He knew that he couldn't add oil to the fire, but he was getting fed up with her. She was calling him a cheater and he wouldn't let her say that.
"Oh, is that so?" The Austrian wanted to know while taking a step closer to get into Max's face which would have worked better without their height difference.
"Has nothing to do with the fact that you slowed me down on purpose, huh?" Joanna accused. Her hand had come up to his chest, about to push him back, but Max had grown bulkier in the last few months, grown into himself, so even if she would have used all her might, she couldn't have moved him.
"What do you want, J?" Max said before he hit her hand away, causing the Austrian to give him a murderous glance while pulling her hand back to her side. "I got pole and you didn't. You're so arrogant, not everything is about you." The Dutch added, now he was getting fed up as well, but he ignored the Red Bull team and the Mercedes team, who were frankly trying to break them apart, but none of the teams was allowed close to their drivers just yet.
"And the things you do and say don't act up," Joanna yelled at him and at this moment, Max knew that it wasn't about what had just happened on the track. That was only the top of the iceberg, the thing which caused the barrel to flow over. The Austrian was angry at him for a whole other reason, for a reason he was angry at himself as well.
"You want to do that now? Really?" Max asked her, his voice softer now which set the Mercedes driver off more than if he would have screamed at her. She didn't want his pity. Joanna wanted him to explain his asshole behaviour. To tell her why he fucked and left her. Why they couldn't have a future, a second chance.
"You fucked me over," Joanna said powerless. The anger gone. All she felt at that moment was how tired and heartbroken she was.
Giving Joanna a painful look, Max gazed over his shoulder before his gaze was directed back to her face. Reaching out Max took her hand, automatically interlocking their fingers as Max pulled Joanna with him, through the garage and into the paddock. None of them spoke something before they reached the motorhomes. Nobody was here yet, just the two of them.
Letting go of Joanna's hand, Max looked down at his feet for a moment, while Joanna slung her arms around her torso as if to protect herself from what was about to happen.
"No, I didn't," Max muttered after another moment, causing Joanna to look up at him only for their gazes to meet.
"Yes, you did." The Austrian argued weakly. "I trusted you, admitted my mistakes and told you how I feel about you. You're just a lying bastard. Did you really want to get back on me so badly, Max?" She said, the heat suddenly back, but it wasn't only anger it was pain.
"I didn't lie. I do love you." Max answered her and normally that would have been enough. But they were past normal in their relationship. They were past a lot of things and Max couldn't regret it deeper than he already did. It was his deepest and most ranging regret.
"I don't believe you." The Austrian breathed out as she turned away from Max, unable to look at the man she loved so much. The man she wanted to be with for the rest of her days. The man, who deserved so much better.
"That's exactly the reason why I choose Kelly." The Dutchman let her know. "I can't be with someone, who doubts everything all the time. Someone, who can't trust me, who always goes back on their words. Someone I can't trust to be there when I need them. Someone, who runs away when it gets serious. All the time. Someone, who fears commitment. I need someone who loves me and not only thinks they do." He explained, the pain audible in his voice. He never meant to have this conversation. He never meant to hurt Joanna and yet he did.
"You didn't even give us a chance." The Austrian realised, turning around to look at Max, who nodded once. She was right. He wasn't ready to give them another chance. He wasn't ready to suffer from loving her any longer and honestly. Joanna understood.
She was too late, had hurt him once too often, once too deeply. Betrayed his trust one time too much. Risked it all, because she didn't realise that he was everything she had ever hoped for. Max was the happy ending she desperately wished for but knew she would never get.
"You were back in her arms before I was fully dressed," Joanna said before biting down to let out a sob. She didn't have to have everything any more difficult for the two of them by crying. Max always tended to give in when she did, even though he had been right almost every time he called her out on her bullshit, but Max had loved her far too much. Burned for her too hotly, too consuming. It had always scared Joanna. The little girl who never believed to be lovable. But what scared her even more, was that she had loved him too. One heart, one soul.
"How many more chances am I obliged to give you? It's always the same with you." Max argued, his voice desperate with anger causing Joanna to look up at him. She reached out to touch his cheek, but Max was fast to get a hold of her wrist to pull her soft hand from his face with a disapproving look, while Joanna bit her lip again, to stop the tears from falling, the sobs from ripping through her body.
"I just wanted one more. One, Max."
"Yeah, one more now and another in a few months when something has scared you again, caused you to run away. And then another, because you needed a break and then another because you're just don't feel like being with me. I know how this works." The Dutchman said causing Joanna to take a step back to allow her back to rest against the wall of a motorhome.
"Now you're being unfair. I'm trying." She spoke.
"You're trying, huh?" Max wanted to know. It woke something in him. Maybe anger, maybe despair. Max reached out with both hands to cup Joanna's cheeks in his hands. While allowing his thumbs to gently brush over her cheekbones, his other finger buried themselves in Joanna's soft golden hair.
"Then marry me. Be my wife. From this day to our last day." Max said while searching her eyes, but he didn't find agreement or approval, but the scared eyes of a dear in the headlights. She was about to run again. She would never agree. Pulling her head towards him so their foreheads were resting against each other's for a moment. Just one more time, one last time.
"Max, I ..." Joanna shuttered, but Max put an end to the tragedy they called their relationship and love for each other.
"Yeah, thought so," Max muttered, reluctantly as if he was fighting with his own body, he turned his head to let his lips brush over the skin of Joanna's forehead while Joanna had reached out to fist his race suit in her hands. She didn't want to let go, she didn't want to lose him again.
Abruptly pulling away, Joanna stumbled forward due to Max's sudden step back, but as soon as she found her footing, she let off of him. A worried expression overtook her beautiful porcelain-like features. Her eyes threatened to overflow with the tears Joanna had refused to let go of.
"Your trying isn't enough. I want to come home and don't have to fear that my girlfriend just vanished on me because she felt like it. I need someone who's steady. You will never be that kind of person. You will always be a runaway and I can't handle that." Max was right, but that didn't mean she didn't wish she was this kind of person. For him, she tried to change that. She would have tried to be more reliable, to be his rock in the sea, but they both knew that Joanna would never manage.
No matter how much she wished she would be able to give Max that, to give him what he needed in a partner, but Joanna simply wasn't made to be that way. And sadly, lying to herself wouldn't make everything alright again. The Austrian would always be a runaway, a rouge without a place to call her home, just a person, but that person deserved someone to come home to. Someone reliable, someone stable and as much as Joanna hated to admit it, Kelly was this person now.
Why was she so cursed? Doomed to be alone forever, roaming the world while trying to forget the one person she called home because it was better for him that way. Sometimes she wondered why it was always her, why she had to endure so much, suffer so much, go through so much. What did she do to deserve all this? What torture was she put through and why? Why did no one ever answer all her questions? Didn't she deserve at least answers if she can't have happiness?
"Well, if that's so. I'm sorry I wasn't enough." Joanna told Max honestly. While he had to fight with himself, his fingers itching to touch her, to hug her and promise that everything would turn out alright again, but this time, he couldn't do it. He needed to put himself first, but he would never be able to be cruel enough to her, to not let her know that she was wrong with what she said. That being enough was never the problem with them.
"That's the point, J. You were enough, all you had to do was stay."