So yeah. Here we go. This will make a few things easier to understand. I hope you enjoy!!!
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Mark was starlet awake in the middle of the night, as someone sat down next to him rather dramatically, which caused him to open his eyes, only to see Joanna sitting next to him. A few strains of her hair were escaping her messy bun, and she wore an old shirt and pyjama pants. The scowl on her gentle features made her look younger should that even be possible.
Lifting the bottle of amber coloured liquid to her reddened lips, she took a big sip, not looking at Mark, until she noticed that the basket by the fire was empty, turning to look at the Aussie, Joanna noticed the peacefully sleeping lamb in his arms.
"Traitor." She snorted, before taking another sip. Hearing her voice finally woke Mark up enough to sit up and move so he was facing the fireplace just like Joanna, even though the lamp protested.
"What are you...?" Mark wondered out loud, but Joanna spoke right over him.
"It was windy every day. Every day." Joanna muttered and Mark guessed he was too sober to understand what the Austrian meant, but he also didn't press it.
"This place is on a mountain, what did you expect?" Mark said after a moment of silence.
"No. Since he died, Mark." He had seen her after having some drinks, but she never let loose enough to actually open up to anyone, which caused him to only worry more about her. They should have never allowed her to leave.
"It felt like he even took the sun with him. I wasn't shining bright enough so all I got was wind. All I ever get is wind and darkness." Joanna finally added taking another sip, and at this pace, she would be blackout drunk before the fire would have burned down.
"I always thought you weren't close." The Aussie said after a moment, his eyes now on Joanna.
Never in his life did he want to see her like that, but something about the way they were speaking with each other felt so mature. There was no pulling and pushing, there were no insults just yet. It was just like the conversation they had with Jenson after he had lost his father. They all had been drunk, but every word made them a little bit soberer again. Mark had hated seeing all this hurt in Jenson's eyes back then, but Joanna wasn't hurt about her father's death. Her eyes were full of regret but also acceptance.
"We weren't. It's just ... at some point I realised that this was about to be it. He was sick for a very long time and even though I've never forgiven him, we had this ... understanding. That whatever had happened, which was a lot, wasn't worth ruining the time we had left." The Austrian said before taking a big sip from the bottle.
"He was an asshole. A terrible father, but he was my father, Mark. He was my father." Joanna said before a sob fought to be released, causing Joanna to take a shuddering breath.
"He was a bloody idiot," Mark answered, which caused Joanna to look at him while offering the bottle. Seems like they were drinking cognac, Mark thought as he watched Joanna starring back into the fire as if it would give her all the answers she was so desperately looking for, but in the end, it gave her nothing.
"No, he was right. He tried to chain me down for my own protection, I fought with all I had to get free again and, in the end, I was surprised as I was finally free." Taking another sip, Mark reached out to gently touch Joanna's chin, turning it to make her face him.
"That's how you really see it, isn't it? You're finally free of him, but why are you up here if you're not grieving?" Mark wanted to know causing Joanna to give him a painful smile which caused him to question her sanity.
"I guess I'm here to be closer to him, to understand what kind of man he was," Joanna said while she allowed her glance to wander through the room. It was a magnificent place her father had chosen as a refugium. Hidden away from the world, a secret only a few ever knew about.
"Does it work?" Mark wondered out loud, causing Joanna to give him an amused smile.
"No." She answered. "I guess there are just things I will never understand. I was always full of grief, but it turned into rage a long time ago. What does that make me?"
"Human. Don't you see that people would rather have a woman full of rage than a woman who's hollow?" The Australian wondered.
"Maybe I'm both," Joanna said as she pulled her knees up to her chest, the bottle of amber liquid still hanging from her delicate fingers.
"The only thing you're for sure is overdramatic, mate." The ex-driver snorted, before taking the bottle from Joanna to take a big sip. The lambs judging eyes following him.
"I'm a Lauda, we have a tendency to overdramatic madness but sometimes people mistake our madness for greatness. Half of my family was locked up in psychiatric hospitals and the other half is world-famous. I was never sure which part I really belonged to."
"Oh, I know which part of the family you belong to," Mark said which caused Joanna to give him an unimpressed look, but he shook his head.
"The moment I first saw you, I knew that you were trouble, but I also knew that you were born to achieve great things," Mark admitted as he reached out to take Joanna's hand in his.
"You walked in with these big dreams and unreachable goals, and I knew you were something else. Even though I tried to stamp on your light for quite a while, I always knew that this isn't a place for you, Joanna. Don't make me leave without you." Mark muttered but Joanna had turned her head away to face the fire again.
"Why couldn't they leave me be? Why did they send you to come and get me?" Joanna wanted to know and yes, Mark understood the question. He had asked himself as well why it had to be him, but even to his own regret, he couldn't tell her why people thought that he would reach her.
"I would have returned on my own in due time," Joanna said right at the moment as Mark spoke up, speaking over her.
"Because a lot of things changed very suddenly, and you started to pull away from everyone." Mark tried to explain but he knew Joanna wasn't having it. He saw it on her face, the expression she carried on her porcelain features.
"That doesn't answer my question. Why you and not Seb or Jenson?" Joanna pressed the topic, but Mark knew how he could successfully change the topic, so he did. He wouldn't sit here and try answering questions he didn't know nor wanted to know the answer to.
"What happened with Verstappen?" Mark muttered, causing Joanna to give him a sharp look, leaning against the backrest of the couch, she took another swing full of the amber liquid.
"Stopped kidding myself," Joanna answered with a shrug after a long while. Mark hadn't expected her to answer at all after this long period of silence.
"You know me, Mark. I'm not good with relationships. So, I let him go, it was really the only thing I could do to protect him. It was the sensible thing to do." Joanna explained, but Mark could read in the way she knotted her fingers together that she wasn't telling him the whole truth. There was something else.
"Do you really think that? Piquet now has her claws in him. Do you really think for one single moment that she's better for him than you were?" Mark wanted to know. His eyes were on the beautiful Austrian, which looked up to meet his gaze.
"We both know she's better than me," Joanna said holding his gaze which caused Mark to snort. She really seemed to believe that, even though she knew Kelly rather well. Did someone brainwash the Lauda offspring in the last few weeks?
"I never thought I would ever hear you say that. Never." The Aussie told her honestly. "Piquet is a gold digger, we both know that. She couldn't leave Kvyat fast enough as she heard that Verstappen is single again. Even though he was always single because you never made it official."
"You don't know that! Don't speak about things you have no clue about as if you were part of it." Joanna said, suddenly getting up from the couch, just swaying a little as she raised her voice, which caused the little lamb to raise its head curiously.
"He loved you," Mark yelled back, causing Joanna to answer fast, even though she wasn't yelling. Her voice wasn't raised at all, rather defeated. Mark had a point.
"And now he loves Kelly." She had told the Aussie which caused silence to fall around them for the time being.
Joanna had turned away from Mark, her hands cradled to her chest, while she tried to force the tears back down. It was her decision to leave Max, she had no right to mourn or regret anything, it was her call after all. After a little more than 2 years together. Out of the blue from one day to the other, her life had turned upside down and it was all her doing.
"You've broken his and your own heart," Mark spoke up again, but Joanna didn't turn around. She couldn't face him right now.
"Are you happy now?" Mark quizzed.
"Of course, I'm not happy. What is so great about being happy anyway? Look at this world and tell me that wanting to be happy isn't the single most selfish thing." Her voice raised again, while she turned around to face Mark, whose expression caused her to regret raising her voice right away.
She shouldn't scream at Mark without a reason. The Austrian understood that she needed to calm down. This wasn't the way to treat someone, who tried to help, even though it was Mark. She had no right to be so offensive.
"Being selfish isn't always a bad thing, Joanna. You're allowed to put yourself first." He told her as he got up from the couch only to take a step closer to Joanna, who couldn't stop her hands from running through her hair, ruining her messy bun and allowing her golden hair to fall down her face, framing it like a precious painting.
"No." The Austrian said, her voice strong and unapologizing. "No, I can't. Not when what I want, hurts so many people."
"Sometimes I wonder how someone who hates themself as much as you do can still be alive," Mark told her, reaching out to brush her hair behind her ear causing Joanna to look up, searching his eyes for a moment.
"Don't you think I want to be different? That I want to like who I am?" Joanna had muttered, her head tiddled to the side to nestle her face in Mark's hand, giving in to the feeling of his thumb gently brushing over her cheekbone. The first tears tumbled down her cheeks as Mark lifted her chin, even more, forcing her to look into his eyes.
"No, Joanna." He spoke. "I don't think you want to," Mark muttered before he pulled Joanna into a sweet but passionate kiss. Giving her the possibility to pull away, but she didn't. No, she slung her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.
She wanted to get defensive, to ask how his wife was doing but she didn't and before he knew it, the moment to ask questions was over. For once, this wasn't about something else. This wasn't about what Joanna thought was her duty or the right thing to do, for once she wanted something because it felt good and because she could have it. There was no point in turning Mark away, there was no point in feeling guilty or denying herself the attention and affection she craved so much.
Kissing her once more, Mark pulled away, waiting a moment for Joanna to open her eyes. Confusion was written all over her porcelain-like features as Mark simply searched her eyes for a moment, one hand still in her hair, his thumb brushing over her cheekbone, while the other one had pulled her hip closer to him before.
"Thought so," Mark muttered as he let go of her fully only to take a step away from the Austrian and sitting back down on the couch.
"What do you mean? You thought so?" Joanna wanted to know but Mark didn't react, he rather patted the soft wool of the little lamb which had climbed onto the couch only to lean against the Aussie.
"Mark! What do you mean?" The Austrian asked again, taking a step closer to him. Her clear blue eyes shone with anger.
"You think you're mature now, you're not. You're just stupid." Mark told her, which caused Joanna to cross her arms in front of her chest, giving Mark an arrogant look.
"Excuse you?"
"Somehow you always manage to fuck up your life and you always drag me into it. Don't you think I would like to be happy with my wife? That I want to live with her without you always looming over our heads?" Mark accused, his voice raised which caused Joanna to huff in annoyance.
"I haven't asked you to do whatever this is. I can take care of myself. I'm not your responsibility!" She called out frustrated which caused Mark to shoot up from his seat only to get hold of Joanna's upper arm, pulling her closer to him, while the Austrian tried to get her arm free, pressing her other hand against Mark's chest.
"You're so messed up, but I can't just lean back and watch you destroying everything good that ever happened to you," Mark yelled at her, taking a hold of her other arm as well, so the Austrian couldn't fight him off any longer, even though Joanna would always put up a fight and the Aussie knew that damn well.
Pulling and pushing, Mark had turned them around which caused him to kneel between Joanna's legs as they tumbled back onto the couch, which caused the little black lamb to let out a kind of scream before jumping from the couch just in time to run over and hide behind its makeshift basket.
"Why?!" Joanna screamed back, her face a tint of red still forcefully struggling against Mark, but the question pulled him away from the situation. Letting go of Joanna, he sat down right next to her, but the Austrian used Mark starlet state to get up from the couch, hovering over him, while giving him a hateful glance. The Austrian waited for an explanation, an answer to her question.
"Because I feel responsible for the stupid teeny girl, I got pregnant all those years ago!" Mark yelled. "The way you are, it's my fault, I fucked you up!" He muttered after a moment. His elbows resting on his knees, his eyes laying on his interlocked hands.
"You feel guilty." Joanna realised, which opened her eyes. This is what it always was. Whenever she had fucked up and Mark came out of nowhere. He came to make amends for what he thought was his fault.
"You really don't have to. I was like this long before I met you." The Austrian explained which caused Mark to give her an unamused huff.
"It's alright. I've learned how to handle myself," she gave him a small smile, so untypical for Joanna. It felt so wrong to Mark. She never smiled at him honestly. For Joanna, he was a bad omen as much as she was for him. A pair of people who were bonded together by their faults and guilt doomed to meet each other over and over again.
"Saving me was never your job. You can stop now with this self-inflicted punishment of looking after me." She added causing Mark to give her a painfilled look, but he didn't say anything.
Not as Joanna got up from the couch, not as she made her way over to the stairs and also not as she climbed the stairs up to her bedroom. All he did was rest back against the backrest of the couch before he closed his eyes in regret.
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Starring up at the ceiling, Joanna felt empty. She was in a warm bed and soft blankets slung around her body. The sun wasn't showing itself just yet and the whole world was asleep, but Joanna couldn't find enough peace to close her eyes and drift off. Her mind was busy. Reminding her that this was just another night without Max. Everything nowadays seems to wear this mark. After Max.
Laying there in absolute silence with only her own steady breathing, she missed Max's snoring. Even though it had annoyed her so much, now it was missing.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She acted chivalrously to protect him. Joanna loved Max so much, she let him go, but since that day everything felt wrong. Her apartment was the worst place to be. From the missing toothbrush to the socks which weren't laying around any longer. It felt so empty. Joanna had broken it off, it was her decision. She had let Max go so he would find happiness and real love, but nobody ever told her how terrible doing the right thing would feel.
Maybe it was never differently. Loving Max always hurt. It was almost unbearable. The knowledge deep inside the Austrian that Max was too good for her, that his heart was too pure that his love was too sincerely. He was one of the good once. He will always be so much more than Joanna deserved.
It was the sensible thing to do. Let Kelly have him. He liked her better, Joanna knew that much. She noticed it during the FIA Gala first. Max looked so much happier with Kelly by his side even though they were just sitting next to each other. Joanna felt at fault, she didn't give Max the attention he deserved. Kelly did and that was the beginning of the end.