Declan Hudson was everyone's second choice.
When Declan was a kid, his parents had poured all of their attention into his disabled younger brother. When Declan was a teenager, his classmates saw straight through him, to his best friend, Mickey, who was more attractive and more likeable. And when Declan was at university, he swore he turned invisible.
Now, at nineteen years old, he wasn't sure where he stood in the world.
Declan liked having sex, because for just a moment, he was someone's first choice. They gave themselves to him entirely. And though they would leave as soon as it was over, he felt, for just a little while, wanted. Needed. He felt like he mattered.
He had done bad things. He had cheated on every girlfriend he had ever had as a teenager. He wasn't proud of it. He hated that part of his history. But he was young, and he didn't know who he was, and cheating was his pathetic way of desperately trying to find parts of himself in other people. Relationships just weren't enough for him - not when he was young, and reckless, and stupid. So, he had looked for attention in other places. He had cheated. He had hurt people. And he would carry that guilt with him for the rest of his life.
Then there was River. He used to tutor Declan, while Declan slowly fell in love with River's blue eyes and quick wit. It was never meant to last. They were built on rocky foundations and half forgotten whispers. But it was sweet while it lasted. River made Declan feel like he mattered, in a way that no one ever had before.
But River's eyes lost their brightness. His life lost its meaning. Declan didn't understand it at the time. He still didn't, not fully. But he knew enough. Enough to know that River faced something no teenager ever should, and when he fell apart, it wasn't Declan who put him back together again. It was Declan's best friend, Mickey, who had won every battle the two of them had ever fought. He won River, too.
Declan was, once again, someone's second choice.
After that, he gave up on relationships altogether. He moved to university, and learnt that he was quite good at casual sex. He could be everything someone wanted for one night, and then, never have to see them again. It saved him from getting hurt. It also saved him from hurting other people.
He glanced across at the boy sleeping beside him. He was gorgeous. Declan wanted to study every curve of his face. He wanted to touch every faded freckle on his nose. He wanted to learn to paint just so he could spend years perfecting the shape of Sebastian's lips.
Sunlight washed over his face, and he looked like a God. Chiselled cheekbones, smooth olive skin, messy chestnut hair. He was lit up, golden, a piece of artwork. And then Declan's gaze fell to the track marks on Sebastian's arms, and he remembered that he was human, just like the rest of them. He wanted to touch the marks. He wanted to feel them under his fingertips. He wanted to kiss them like he had kissed all the parts of Sebastian that weren't marred.
Declan hated waking up after a night of casual sex. He was always hungover, full of regret, uncertainty, anxiety. The worst part of it was the dread. Because it was only a matter of time before the person he was waking up next to realised that they only liked Declan when they were intoxicated. No one liked Declan sober.
Except for Sebastian.
When his deep brown eyes finally opened, he smiled sleepily at Declan, and buried his face into the pillow, "Morning." He grumbled.
Declan half-wished Sebastian had remained asleep, so he could have stared at him a little longer. He wasn't done memorising him. But then, Sebastian's dark eyes and husky morning voice wasn't something he was going to complain about, either.
Sebastian's arms were around Declan's waist, and he instinctively tugged him closer, "Last night was fun."
It was fun. Because Sebastian was gorgeous, and Declan could never stay away from gorgeous people. "It was." And because he couldn't resist, he brushed his fingertips across Sebastian's jaw, checking that he was real. Solid, hot, there.
"Sorry for crashing here." Sebastian groaned, "I don't wanna be in your way."
"You're not." Declan said quickly, internally cringing at how pathetic he sounded. He was so starved of affection, Sebastian's mere presence had sent him into overdrive. Sometimes, it was dangerous, how desperately he craved attention. It was the only thing that ever made him feel valued. And if he didn't get enough of it, he wilted, like a dying flower.
Sebastian smiled, "You sure?"
"Yeah." Declan nodded, but then realisation hit him like a ton of bricks, "Fuck. I mean, yes, but..." He groaned, running a hand through his messy ginger curls, "I have work. Not yet, but...soon. Later. I mean..."
"You should have some breakfast before you go." Sebastian cut him off, "I'm not a great cook, but I can make you something, if you want."
Declan was taken off guard for a moment, because usually, people left the second they woke up. "Uh..."
"Sorry." Sebastian apologised bashfully, "That was... Sorry... I'll just get out of your way-"
"Breakfast sounds great." Declan grinned, "I'm starving."
Relief flashed across Sebastian's face, "Okay. Okay, great, me too."
"I have eggs." Declan offered, "And maybe some veggie sausages in the freezer. You'll have to have a hunt around for them."
"You're a vegetarian?" Sebastian asked curiously, propping himself up with his elbows, chestnut curls falling into chocolate eyes.
"Yeah." Declan smiled, "I-uh-It's kind of a stupid story."
"Tell me." Sebastian pleaded.
"Well, when I first started to come to terms with my sexuality, I did a bunch of research, and found out about all these things that bi people are meant to be." His cheeks were already growing pink, "Apparently we're meant to cuff our jeans and wear converse and..." He chuckled at the absurdity of it, "We're meant to be vegetarians."
Sebastian laughed, and it was sweet and genuine and unguarded, "You're kidding, right?"
"Shut up." Declan nudged him playfully, "I've spent my life trying to fit in, and if someone tells me that people will accept me more if I do certain things, then I'll do them."
Sebastian was looking at him curiously, "I quite like you how you are." He said earnestly, "Don't change."
Declan chewed his lower lip, trying to keep his expression neutral, so Sebastian didn't realise that Declan had been waiting his whole life to hear that. "I don't reckon you care much for what other people have to say, do you?"
Sebastian thought about it for a moment, "I don't think I do." His eyes fell down to his arms, the scars, the pain, "But sometimes I let other people's opinions matter too much." He admitted, "I started wearing long sleeves all the time when I saw this lady...staring, and...and judging." He gulped, "She pulled her kid away from me, and it felt...I can't even explain how it felt. I just knew that I didn't want to be the reason a kid was afraid."
Declan was watching him, sympathy heavy in his pale green eyes, "I'm sorry." He said softly, "That's...That's horrible. You shouldn't... You haven't done anything wrong."
Sebastian sighed, and forced a smile. "Maybe. I don't know." He said quietly. And suddenly, it wasn't a one night stand anymore. It was something much deeper. Something much harder to let go of.
"Right." Declan sat up, "I better start getting ready. If I'm late to work again, my boss will kill me."
Sebastian watched as Declan fumbled out of bed, pulling open his cupboard as he rummaged through disorganised piles of clothes. Sebastian didn't move for a while. He just stared, his eyes glazed over with curiosity. Declan had the uncomfortable feeling that Sebastian was trying to read him, and he didn't like that one bit. Because whenever people discovered the real him, they seemed to lose interest. And Sebastian was someone who's attention Declan desperately wanted to hold onto, at least for a while longer.
Eventually, Sebastian tore his eyes away, and hauled himself out of bed. He didn't bother putting his clothes back on, so, dressed in nothing but his boxers, he crossed the studio apartment to have a rummage through Declan's messy kitchen. He pulled out a carton of eggs, pushed the empty takeaway boxes aside, and turned on the hob. Declan wanted to study his every movement, but the clock was ticking, and he was slowly running out of time. Reluctantly, he dipped into the bathroom, and Sebastian disappeared from sight.
Once showered and dressed, he joined Sebastian in the kitchen, only for his breath to hitch in his throat. Sebastian was facing the oven, the muscles in his back contoured beneath his olive skin as he moved about Declan's kitchen, tending to a sizzling pan of eggs and sausages. There was something so natural about the way Sebastian cooked, and yet, entirely unnatural about the way he was doing it in someone else's kitchen. He looked sweet and domesticated, but Declan couldn't shake the feeling that he was merely borrowing Sebastian, and would eventually have to return him to the rest of the world.
Sebastian turned around when he heard Declan approach, a spatula clutched in his hand, and his lip caught between his teeth. When his eyes met Declan's, he froze. "You look..." His voice was strained, and he had to clear his throat.
Declan blushed under Sebastian's scrutiny. Sebastian was scanning him up and down, his gaze lingering on Declan's wet hair, flushed cheeks, and countless freckles. He was drinking him up, just like he had done last night. Declan gulped, looking down at his pink t-shirt — the words 'Winnie's Diner' embroidered on the breast pocket — which was part of his uniform, and his loose cargo pants, which were not. He started nervously twisting around his favourite ring - which looked like a snake - as he tried to dodge Sebastian's judgement.
"You look nice." Sebastian eventually finished, quickly averting his eyes, and concentrating on the pan in front of him.
"Thanks." Declan breathed out, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, "I see you're improving. Last night you couldn't give me a compliment to save your life."
Sebastian chuckled, "Sorry." He said, "I'm not... Well, you know... My experience in this department is...limited."
"I don't believe that for a second." Declan leant against the counter, watching as Sebastian stuffed two slices of bread into the toaster, "The person I slept with last night had plenty of experience."
Sebastian didn't meet his gaze as he prodded the eggs with his spatula. He continued chewing on his lower lip anxiously, "Well, I... Picking guys up in clubs isn't really... I've never..."
"I get it." Declan assured him, "You have a lot of experience with sex, but not a lot of experience with one night stands." He nodded understandably, "A long term relationship, then?"
Sebastian stiffened, "Yes." He said thickly.
"I won't pry." Declan said, and watched as the tension instantly left Sebastian's body, "We all have shit we'd rather not talk about."
Sebastian gave him a weak smile, then started plating up breakfast.
"You don't talk much." Declan noted.
"I don't have much to say." Sebastian shrugged.
"I don't believe that either."
Sebastian's eyes met his, and they were full and beautiful and honest, "Sorry."
"For?"
"For being...this way."
Declan frowned, "This way?"
"Difficult."
"You're not." Declan shook his head, "I know difficult. I've been difficult. You're...You're something else."
Sebastian didn't ask him to elaborate. He just handed Declan a plate, and offered him a halfhearted smile.
"Wow." Declan grinned, "This looks great."
Sebastian cheeks were tinted pink when he murmured a short thank you.
They ate on Declan's bed, cross legged with their plates balanced in their laps. They didn't talk much. But the silence wasn't deafening. It was welcomed.
Afterwards, Sebastian got dressed, and the pair of them walked out of the apartment block together, Declan carrying his skateboard under his arm.
And before parting ways, Declan slipped his number into Sebastian's pocket.