The grass beneath us is perfect, so perfect that I feel as though somehow Jace and Rosie managed to create the perfect wedding. the weather outside is perfect, with almost no clouds in the sky as we walk on what could as well be the best summer day Ohio has seen.
I know everyone is waiting in the Ohio charm church, up on the hill, further than Jace lives and further than my mother used to live. It's the only building in a few minutes of walking which has always made it feel more holy and at peace; something I didn't know I needed, church has always been there for me, and right now, it's going to be there for Jace and so am I and so is everyone gathered inside, making everything outside the church as quiet as it can get, not a single bird is singing and not a single sound of wind can be heard anywhere near us.
I feel my hair stand still, nothing blowing or moving it from the perfect way I placed it in the bathroom, it remains as perfect as I styled it to be and so does everything Jace has put together to meet his future wife.
The walk is quiet and Jaces hands are in his pockets while I hold onto his strong arm with both of mine, enjoying the walk we have left. We haven't even passed my mother's house yet and I somehow hope we won't just yet.
These are the last moments I have with Jace before he grows into an honest man and starts a life with someone and changes into the husband Rosie deserves.
Everything stays quiet between us, we're both thinking about something as we connect when we watch the church together. I've never seen it this clearly, the tall building before us that has meant so much in my life.
the butterflies in my stomach start to grow more and more as we approach the church and by the time we've walked up the small hill, watching the white doors, they somehow have completely come to a stop.
Soft music plays; not wedding music but something soft, something that makes me want to cry, but as we step inside, in the same position we took walking to here, I don't feel emotional anymore, I feel happy. and to know that Jace doesn't need his wedding to be perfect like something out of a magazine but has made it much rather something with feeling an emotion; something he won't forget and neither will I with me being now an odd bridesmaid without a date since Lacey replaced me, but the sight of the open church before me and Jace beside me makes me forgive him instantly.
I take one step and Jace follows, then I take another and he follows again but he never takes a step himself and for an instant, I wonder if I'm somehow making me do this or if it was rather the flow of me taking the first that started this.
I take a deep breath and look over at Jace whose eyes are closed for a brief moment until they look into mine; no smile, no nothing, just eyes, just those eyes that I've seen my whole life.
The red carpet leads to Rosie who looks at us both, her cheeks a rose color as she stares at her future husband and as I stare at Miles I see the dark hazel eyes I'll never let go of. I take another deep breath and watch him as he stares only at me, I breathe in the church air and the feelings around us, the way Nancy and Ben are looking at the two of us, I allow myself to smile at them and then at Miles, wishing that this were our wedding and knowing that because I'll never get married to him that this is my only chance to just pretend. To pretend that this is what our life would have been like.
I watch the way that Miles's anger at me for telling Jace slowly fades before me and the way his lips stretch into a small smile; a smile just at me, something nobody else would notice because no one else knows him the way I do.
I imagine the way he'd read his vows to me, the way he'd stare into my eyes and by the time we approach the altar, I realize that I'm standing beside LAcey, the both of us watching him, but his eyes only ever on mine as I think about the way he'd hold me and carry me into our honeymoon, the way we'd be expecting the baby together inside a marriage.
"When I first met you, I thought it was the universe playing a joke on me, to put me in a room with someone so perfect for me . . ." Rosie continues, her hands slightly shaky, and her dress gorgeous and long as she reads off a white paper to her soon to be husband.
"My mind was on you every day and all nights and I realized that you were my one and only love," she says, her voice steady and small fur somehow firm too.
"I'm ready to be yours for the rest of our lives and I will cherish you forever my Jace," she finishes and I look over the crowd, Nancy wiping her tears while Ben stare at Jace.
I find myself smiling at the way Rosie loves Jace and when I look up, Miles's eyes are darting up to mine.
"Rosie," Jace begins and laughs, his eyes for a brief moment look into mine before he looks down at the card in his hand, not once making eye contact with Rosie or anyone else.
"I've loved all of the late nights we've had, the dorm room laughs, and now finally the rest of our life we have together, I promise to learn to love you with my whole heart; with everything I have because I chose you and I promise to chose you no matter what," Jace finishes softly and sweetly and I feel tears rising in my eyes even though the realization that Jace's vows didn't fit Rosies or what he said to me earlier in the bathroom, my heart stings for her with both sadness and happiness.
The priest talks and I fall into watching Miles before I hear Rosie say, "I do." and Jace follows almost instantly after, "I do." he says, his eyes on only her, making my heart happy.
I never knew things would end like this but I know that they have to be different than they were before, we've both grown up, I'm pregnant and Jace is married.
A MOMENT LATER Rosie and Jace trail outside and before I know it, everyone is talking and mingling with one another, beautiful pink drinks in hand.
I grab a drink from the pink champagne glass fountain that for some reason is missing the top glass before I head over to Jace who is talking to Rosie but as soon as I approach, she kindly gives us privacy.
"Congratulations, Jace," I tell him as softly as I can, knowing that he's yet to take all of this in properly. he flashes a small side smile, his eyes only on mine for a brief moment before he sips the champagne in his glass.
I lean in for a hug, and with only one strong hand, he presses on my back, I never knew that the goodbye meant everything, to the way he looks at me, the way he hugs me, speaks to me, to everything. But it has to be goodbye this time. the Jace that talked to me in the bathroom was the Jace I'll now only be able to remember as something of the past.
He holds his glass between three fingers and his eyes don't look into mine the same as they did until I hear a familiar voice behind me; Miles.
I gulp down at the way I feel so broken by all of this, the way that Jace is showing Miles much more eye contact than he's able to give me.
"Congratulations . . . Jace," Miles speaks and I almost let my eyes go wide but it's not until Miles reaches his hand out to Jace that I almost can't help but be at a loss of words.
"Thank you," Jace says sincerely, gripping Miles's hand firmly for a strong handshake.
"I'm glad to have you a part of our family, you'll be a great uncle," Miles says and I want to cry at the way the two seem so close all of a sudden.
"And uh, if you need some advice on how the honeymoon works, you can always come to me," Miles jokes, and Jace flashes a genuine smile, his teeth remain covered by his lips.
My heart flutters knowing that Jace hasn't gone through any of that yet, and is yet to experience everything with Rose. The Jace that I know is finally married and ready for everything that marriage will bring him.
"I'll make sure to do that, but right now, I think it's time for the dance part of this wedding," Jace excuses himself, his eyes on Miles's and then thankfully on mine too.
I only hear Jace's footsteps as I watch the sun slowly settling into darker colors in the sky.
"I'd like to invite you to dance with me." Miles's voice sounds heavenly as I hear his voice behind me while my eyes watch the sky being tainted with all kinds of colors.
"What about Lacey?" I ask softly, turning around.
"Lacey is here? I didn't notice," he says and I almost laugh, but I let a giggle escape instead.
Miles stretches his hand to mine and when I place mine on his, despite the dance being inside the church, Miles's other hand travels to my waist, letting us be alone outside the church with the music still loud enough for us to feel immersed into everyone who is inside.
as his one hand holds my waist and my one rests on his shoulder while we also combine our hands, holding them in one another as we move softly across the hard floor outside the church.
His hand rests on my upper back as he lets me fall into his arms, while he holds me above the ground, his dark hazel eyes watching mine as neither of us speaks.
He raises me back to him and as we sway in the dark sunset with the wind barely there, I feel like there's nowhere else I belong and I know he's feeling the exact same.