Request by: Alawrence23
TRIGGER WARNING: UNSTABLE MENTAL HEALTH, DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF POOR MENTAL HEALTH
As somebody who personally deals with depression and anxiety i put a lot of personal experience into this. i want you guys to know that even when you feel like things are too bad, or your life is crashing around you, there is always a way out of that deep dark place. reach out for help, it does get better i promise you.
please, if you deal with poor mental health or share similar experiences don't read this, your well-being is much more important to me than a view or vote.
i love you guys so much <3
Being a kpop idol no question is hard, you have to spend so much time away from your loved ones, you're constantly busy rarely getting any breaks, and a lot of the team members and staff can be demanding and mean.
Renjun had been struggling with his mental health for a few months now, he was homesick all the time and the thought of having to get out of bed and go to dance practice drove him mad.
He had noticed that his performing had been lackluster these days, his motivation deteriorating as the days went by. He had never wanted to disappoint the rest of his members but as time passed, he lost his ability to care about the music anymore.
He stopped smiling, he almost never hung out with the dreamies anymore, spending all his free time alone in his room.
He found that even getting out of bed in the morning had become a struggle.
He knew that it was unhealthy to live the way he was, he hadn't mentioned his development of depression to the dreamies in fear that it would slow them down. The last thing he wanted was for his own issues to affect his members.
He kept it to himself, and anytime someone asked him if he was alright, he'd turn to them and smile, faking a bubbly voice to reassure them that he was fine.
He tried to improve his skills for the group, working hard at dance practice despite finding no joy in dancing anymore. He worked hard to perfect his form and his moves, proving himself to the company and the boys.
The announcement of their newest comeback didn't excite him. He wasn't thrilled thinking about having to learn a new dance, record new parts, pretend to be fine for cameras and fans for several months before he could hide away again.
Nct dream had started their preparation for the comeback, working diligently to complete all the tasks needed for the album.
The dance was the first priority, learning and perfecting the choreo so they could move on and begin other tasks.
They were at dance practice with heir choreographer working hard learning the new dance.
Renjun forced himself to pay attention, making sure all the new information stayed in his brain.
He did his best to complete the choreo despite it being difficult, he did the moves correctly, but the choreographer noticed that he seemed off.
Once the practice was over, the choreographer asked renjun to stay back for a minute.
He internally groaned wanting desperately to go home and hide under his covers.
He walked over to the choreographer, expecting to be scolded but instead, a gentle hand was on his shoulder and a concerned face met his eyes.
"renjun-ah."
"yes hyung?"
"are you doing okay?"
Renjun didn't expect the choreographer to care for his well-being. The question caught him off guard and it took him a second to respond.
"I'm fine hyung."
"I just, I've noticed you seem down lately."
"was my performance bad hyung?"
The man sighed sadly his grip on renjun's shoulder softening but remaining there.
"renjun-ah, you are an incredible dancer, you know that. It's just you don't seem very lively while dancing. It's almost...I don't know, robotic?"
Renjun looked down at the floor angry at himself for letting his emotions show during his performance.
"usually you look so happy when you dance renjun-ah, but lately I've noticed you seem very unenthused."
"I'm sorry hyung. I will do better." He bowed deeply to the man.
"hey, renjun-ah stand up."
He slowly rose back up.
"you know that if you are going through something you can come to me, right? Or your members, people are here to help you renjun-ah."
Renjun had no idea how the man could see right through him like this but apart of him was grateful for it and the other part was greatly annoyed.
"hyung, everything is fine. I just had an off day, I'll get better okay?"
The man seemed unconvinced but knew he couldn't force the boy to talk to him.
"okay renjun-ah, if you say so then I believe you." He patted the boy's shoulder.
"should I stay and work on the dance hyung?"
"no renjun-ah, go home and rest. We can work more tomorrow, okay?"
"but hyung-
"go home renjun."
Renjun sighed in defeat and nodded before grabbing his bag and leaving the practice room.
He went back to the dorms and slipped his shoes off before going straight to his room without a word.
"aish, there he goes again." Chenle said from the kitchen counter.
"I've never seen him this down before." Haechan said as he bit into a muffin he was holding.
"do you think hwiyoung hyung scolded him after practice?" Jisung suggested.
"no, hwiyoung-hyung never scolds us, I doubt he'd yell at renjun." Jeno said.
Mark was leaning against the stove with a stressed expression.
"what are you thinking hyung?" jaemin asked.
Mark sighed running his hand through his hair.
"I don't know, I'm just worried. Renjun's never acted this way before and he used to tell us when something's wrong."
"I know, I'm worried too." Haechan said as he tossed the empty muffin paper in the bin.
"I'm gonna try and talk to him." Mark said as he walked out of the kitchen.
The boys watched him leave before turning back to each other all looking discouraged and worried.
Mark walked up to renjun's door and knocked.
"renjun-ah, it's mark-hyung."
"what is it hyung?" renjun called with a monotone voice.
"well, could I come in for a minute?"
It was silent before he heard movement and then the door opened.
Renjun had a blank expression on his face, his eyebrows knitted together in an almost annoyed expression.
Mark smiled softly at the younger as he stepped into his room and closed the door behind him.
"so renjun-ah, what did hwiyoung-hyung want?"
Renjun sat on his bed fiddling with his hands in his lap avoiding mark's eyes.
"nothing, just talking about the choreo."
Mark sighed.
"he didn't scold you right?"
Renjun shook his head wordlessly.
They sat in a thick awkward silence for a few seconds before mark scooted towards renjun slightly.
"renjun-ah."
Renjun raised his head and met mark's bright concerned eyes.
"hm?"
"is everything okay?"
Renjun just silently nodded.
Mark was so frustrated knowing renjun was keeping something from him. He wanted to help the boy desperately but how was he supposed to do that when he wouldn't talk to him?
"are you sure renjun-ah? You...you've been acting kinda weird these days and-
"I said I was fine hyung." Renjun caught him off harshly.
Mark was taken aback by renjun. He closed his mouth and nodded slowly.
"ah, okay then. Sorry for bothering you then." Mark said sadly before he got off renjun's bed and walked towards the door.
He placed his hand on the doorknob to leave.
"wait hyung."
He stopped at renjun's voice.
"i...I'm sorry." He apologized feeling guilty for snapping at the oldest.
Mark smiled softly and turned to renjun.
"it's okay renjun-ah, get some rest yeah?"
Renjun could see the hurt in mark's eyes, and he felt awful.
"hyung, I didn't-
"it's okay renjun-ah, don't worry about it okay?"
With that mark left renjun's room closing the door.
Renjun groaned burying his face in his hands.
"yah what the hell is wrong with you Hwang Renjun!" he scolded himself for being so disrespectful to his hyung.
He collapsed backward on his bed, a stoic expression on his face as he stared at the ceiling.
He was so tired of feeling so numb, so unmotivated and tired. He missed the days when he was bubbly and happy, excited to tackle new challenges, excited to spend time working with the members.
He flipped over and buried his face in his pillow feeling useless and angry.
He had fallen asleep at some point and woke up pretty late at night. He rolled over and checked the time seeing it was well past midnight and the boys were definitely asleep.
He sat up rubbing his eyes and sighed hating that he wasted the entire afternoon sleeping.
He thought back to earlier when hwiyoung mentioned his unenthusiastic dance performance. He decided he wasn't going to waist more time. He got out of bed and shuffled out of his room quietly going down the hall.
He slipped on his sneakers and quietly slipped out the front door into the hallway.
He rushed downstairs to the practice room and set up the stereo.
He was determined to force the most convincing expressions as he did the dance so nobody would see how little he cared about this performance.
He had worked on the dance for nearly five hours before he decided to call it quits.
He was tired, mentally, physically, emotionally but he saw some improvement in his dance. He decided that he worked best when the others weren't around him, he didn't take any unnecessary breaks thinking stopping would put him far behind schedule.
He was panting heavily but he didn't care, he went back to the dorms praying none of the members were up yet so he could slip back into his room.
Thankfully, all the boys were still asleep, and he could get into his room without them noticing he was gone.
He showered quickly and laid in his bed waiting for his alarm to go off for their dance practice.
He wanted to sleep but he didn't think he deserved the satisfaction of rest.
Fifteen minutes went by, and his alarm clock beeped annoyingly. He smacked the device and groaned. He swung his legs over the mattress and changed into new athletic wear for practice.
He walked out to meet the others who were having breakfast.
He had no appetite an decided he would just drink a Gatorade throughout practice instead.
He said no words to the boys, he just sat at the end of the table silently while the boys chatted and discussed the itinerary for the day.
They left to go to practice feeling energized and excited to continue preparation for the comeback.
Renjun was so tired. That was the perfect word to describe him these days. He was tired of everything.
Again, throughout practice they had little to no hiccups, hwiyoung leading them through the moves and instructing them through tricky parts.
Renjun made sure to fake his expressions so that hwiyoung wouldn't question him again.
The members smiled seeing renjun smile but mark just looked more sad. He could tell renjun was faking, he knew something was wrong and it was killing him that he couldn't help.
After practice was over, they all went home, renjun disappearing like he always does.
As the boys sat in the kitchen, Haechan had noticed that mark never returned from his room.
He excused himself to go find mark seeing his bedroom door cracked from the end of the hallway.
He stepped up to the door and heard mark sniffling from behind it.
He didn't bother to knock before he rushed inside finding mark sitting on the edge of his bed, his face in his hands.
"hyung?"
Mark was startled by the sudden presence. He quickly sat up and wiped his face failing to remove any traces that he was crying.
Haechan sighed sadly and came over, sitting next to mark and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
"hyung...are you okay?"
Mark sniffled wiping his face.
"worried about renjun?" Haechan whispered.
Mark nodded.
"he won't talk to me hyuck. He won't...he won't say anything."
Haechan pulled mark against his side hugging him softly.
"he'll come to us when he's ready hyung, renjun is a strong boy."
"I just feel like...like such a useless hyung." Mark's voice cracked as more tears rolled down his cheeks.
"hey, hyung you are not useless. Look at me mark."
Mark slowly raised his head and met haechan's eyes.
Haechan smiled softly and wiped mark's cheeks.
"everything will be okay hyung, renjunnie will come to us eventually, all we can do Is be here for him yeah?"
Mark nodded sniffling.
"don't cry mark-hyung, I promise it will be alright." Haechan reassured softly as he brushed mark's bangs out of his face.
Mark smiled gratefully at his dongsaeng nodding his head slightly.
Haechan smiled.
"come here hyung." Haechan said as he opened his arms for mark.
Mark smiled as he accepted the hug, leaning deeply into hyuck's embrace.
"next time you want to cry, you can come to me hyung."
"yah, don't talk about it donghyuck." Mark said feeling embarrassed.
"oho, why not? You don't want anyone to know you can show emotion?" hyuck teased.
"no. and don't tell the guys either or I'll kill you."
Hyuck laughed placing his hand on mark's head pushing him further into him.
"okay, okay, I get it hyung."
Mark smiled gratefully nuzzling into hyuck's soft embrace.
Over the course of the next two weeks, renjun's cycle of practicing at night continued, feeling as if practicing on his own would improve his performance.
However, while his dancing got better, his health had gotten significantly worse.
He suffered frequent dizzy spells from his lack of hydration and sleep. He often skipped meals due to his mental health causing a loss of appetite. He was exhausted but didn't let himself rest properly.
Renjun was in the worst condition he'd ever been in, but he figured he was too far gone to fix himself now, so he just kept going.
Before he knew it, it was the night of their comeback stage. Despite renjun's neglect of his physical and mental health, he had managed to record all his parts, attend every dance practice, pose for every concept photo, film the music video and now he was standing backstage of the stage.
If he wasn't so numb, he would've been impressed with himself.
They were getting their mics hooked up, the dreamies excited and anxious to perform.
Renjun was used to feeling terrible on the daily basis but today he felt physically worse than he had previously. Whether it was the accumulation of his fatigue or his lack of meals he wasn't sure, but he was dizzy and weak.
His body hurt, it physically hurt. His head was pounding making his dizziness even worse and overall, he just felt like garbage.
They were about to go on when jaemin noticed that renjun didn't look well.
"renjun? Are you feeling okay?"
Obviously he was going to lie, they were about to go on stage he wasn't going to mess this up.
"of course jaemin. Come on, we gotta get on stage." He said walking past jaemin and up onto the stage.
Jaemin seemed concerned but he didn't have any time to do anything. He was being ushered to his spot on stage.
Mark gave them all a signal asking if they were ready, and they all nodded.
They heard the announcer announce their name before the lights came on and the track started playing.
The boys started the choreo flawlessly, putting on an enthusiastic performance for the nctzens.
All that work renjun did to perfect his fake smiles were out the window.
He physically could not smile due to his pain and discomfort, the dizziness he was experiencing becoming ten times worse as he danced under the bright lights.
The whole room was spinning, the music deafeningly loud in his ears.
He felt sick, he felt weak, he felt exhausted. He could barely register where he was or what he was doing as he began to stumble through the dance, forgetting a lot of the moves.
Mark glanced over and saw renjun, he looked awful, and it concerned him deeply.
He couldn't stop the performance and he knew that, but his attention was definitely occupied with renjun.
They were entering the bridge and renjun couldn't feel his legs. His knees were wobbling, and his vision was blurry. He couldn't even make out the silhouettes of his members on stage next to him.
He felt darkness cloud the sides of his vision, black spots appearing everywhere as he tried to blink them away.
Before he realized, he lost his balance, and his eyes were closing.
He felt his body crash against the floor before everything went black.
There was an uproar of screams from the fans as renjun hit the stage.
The music continued but the dreamies did not. They rushed to renjun, mark and jeno picking him up and quickly carrying him off the stage.
The stage lights were turned off and the track was stopped once the boys were off the stage.
Mark and jeno quickly took renjun to the medics laying him down gently as the medics checked his vitals.
"his pulse is weak but he's stable, he looks exhausted."
"let's take him home." Mark said.
Again, he and jeno picked him and rushed him out to their van.
They rushed home not caring about the consequences of leaving the venue early.
They laid renjun down in his bed after taking off his tight stage outfit and replacing it with a light t-shirt and a pair of shorts.
Mark sat next to him slowly running his fingers through renjun's hair while the dreamies waited in the living room.
Suddenly there was some noise from the foyer and more figures in renjun's room.
Mark looked up to see taeyong, johnny, yuta, Taeil, Jungwoo, doyoung, and jaehyun In the room with him.
Taeyong saw tears in mark's eyes and his heart broke.
"come here mark." He said softly opening his arms.
Mark rushed into taeyong's arms unable to stop the flow of tears that cascaded down his face.
"i...I don't know what happened hyung...he...he just collapsed...i...I should have taken care of him..."
"shhhh, mark, it's okay, it's okay bubs." Taeyong cooed softly as he rubbed mark's back.
"it's not your fault mark-ah, you did everything right buddy."
"i...I don't know what to do hyung...he...he won't tell me what's wrong...he...he won't say anything..." mark sobbed.
"shhhh, shhhh, calm down mark. Hyung is here, It's okay." Taeyong slid his hand up to the back of mark's head, slowly carding his fingers through mark's hair.
"we'll help him mark, we'll make sure he's okay, we promise." Johnny reassured placing his hand on mark's shoulder.
"don't cry mark, it'll be okay." Doyoung cooed softly feeling sad seeing the younger so upset.
Mark spent the next few minutes calming his tears as taeyong held him.
Once he stopped crying, taeyong wiped his cheeks and smiled softly at him.
"are you okay?"
He nodded softly.
Just then, renjun stirred in his bed, a soft groan leaving his lips.
The boys rushed to his side.
"renjun-ah? It's yuta-hyung, can you hear me?"
Renjun winced at the light, his brows knitting together and he peeled his eyes open.
Yuta slipped his hand under renjun's back helping him sit up slowly.
"w...what are you all doing here?" renjun asked feeling confused.
Taeyong sat next to him on the mattress placing a soft hand on renjun's shoulder.
"renjun-ah, you passed out on stage, don't you remember?"
Renjun slowly shook his head.
"you've been unconscious for nearly an hour renjun-ah." Jaehyun said softly.
Renjun was dazed and confused. All he remembered was feeling dizzy backstage. The entire performance was a blur.
"oh."
Mark came over, his eyes red and puffy. He sat next to renjun and took his hands into his.
"renjun-ah, you have to tell us what's going on." Mark said almost desperately.
The rest of 127 stood by with anxious and worried expressions on their faces, tail disappearing for a second to fetch the rest of dream.
Soon the room was full of worried faces and renjun felt guilty and sad.
"please...please renjun-ah, this has been going on for too long...you have to tell us what's wrong..."
Renjun hated the desperation in mark's voice, the very clear evidence that his hyung had been crying causing guilt to eat him alive.
He looked down at mark's hands holding his, the want to cry becoming strong.
"we are all here for you renjun-ah, no matter what it is we will get through it together. Don't keep everything inside anymore." Haechan said from the foot of renjun's bed.
With those words, the flood gates opened, and tears came streaming out of renjun's eyes.
Mark felt the boy shudder with breathy sobs, his heart breaking for the younger.
"it's okay junnie...it's okay just...just tell us." Taeyong said softly placing his hand on renjun's leg.
"i...I'm sorry!" he sobbed loudly, his head falling in shame.
"no, no renjun-ah, it's okay, we promise you, you have nothing to be sorry for." Johnny said sitting next to yuta and placing a soft hand on the side of renjun's face lifting his head back up.
"talk to us honey, tell us what's going on." Doyoung said gently.
Renjun took a few seconds to speak but decided that enough was enough. He wanted to feel better, he wanted to smile again, he wanted to love what he did again.
He squeezed mark's hands and took in a shaky breath.
"lately i...I've been feeling weird... weird like, like nothing can make me happy anymore." He paused sniffling.
"i...I feel so...so tired all the time and it...its hard to get out of bed...to go to dance practice...i...I can't find any motivation to do anything!" he continued to sob but he kept talking.
"dancing doesn't make me happy...singing doesn't make me happy...nothing makes me happy..." he choked out.
The members hearts were breaking as they listened to renjun vent his feelings, exposing everything he's kept bottled up for so long.
"i...I started to neglect myself...i...I can't sleep...i...I can't eat or do anything anymore."
"it's... it's my fault I collapsed...it's my fault I snapped at mark-hyung...it's...it's all my fault..." he broke down into more pained sobs, his hands clutching mark's like they were his lifeline.
"renjun-ah, sweetheart...none of that is your fault." Taeyong said biting back his own tears.
"listen to me renjun."
Renjun forced his head up to meet taeyong's eyes.
"no matter what it is, even if it seems like nothing, you can come to us. We are all here for you, we are a family and we all love you so much renjun-ah." Taeyong choked on his last words fighting his tears.
"you shouldn't keep stuff like this bottled up renjun-ah. If you keep it to yourself, it will only get worse." Johnny spoke calmly and softly as he stroked renjun's hair.
"I just...I didn't think it would get this bad but i...I don't know what to do now."
"shhhh, shhhh, renjun-ah, we will help you. We are right beside you renjun-ah and we will help you get through this together." Taeil assured.
"I'm...I'm so sorry hyungs..."
"renjunnie, stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong love." Yuta reassured hugging renjun from the side tightly.
"we're going to do everything we can to make you feel better renjun-ah. We are on your side." Taeyong said rubbing his leg softly.
Renjun just continued to cry out of relief, and graciousness for his hyungs and dongsaengs.
Yuta slid over and took renjun into a complete proper hug stroking his hair softly and holding his securely.
"everything will be okay renjun-ah, we promise you."
He nodded tearfully, burying his face in yuta's chest.
They all took turns hugging renjun whispering reassuring words to him making him feel better.
Mark hugged renjun the tightest and longest, feeling beyond relieved that renjun finally opened up to them about what was bothering him.
Over the next few months, they focused on getting renjun the help he needed, offering him endless love and support as he worked on his mental health.
They knew he'd have bad days but none of them were ever going to turn him away, never ever going to let renjun feel that way ever again.