LUCAS.
Standing infront of the mirror, I gaze at my coal black hair, some of the loose bangs falling across my face and lightly covering my eyes that are deep black and penetrating, reminding me of the darkness that surrounds me. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I'm all alone, trapped in my own body and mind. The more I stare back at my reflection in the mirror the more I hate the man looking back at me. I hate what I see.
It's fucking dark and empty inside me.
I'm empty and stuck.
Maybe that's why people fear and avoid me at all costs, because my world is full of chaos, emptiness, pain and secrets. Nobody wants to be close to someone who's lost, cold hearted and destroys everything he touches. That's why I'm better off alone.
People have called me a monster and I don't blame them. I'm a fucked up mess and it's all my fault, there's no good inside me. What the fuck happened to me to make me this numb and cold. I can't feel shit sometimes and I'm empty inside. Is this what pain can do to you. Eat you up until you're nothing?
Pain and agony turned me into an empty shell and I'm stuck, awake day in day out in a dead body. The real me is lost, long gone and I don't think he'll ever come back.
What the hell is wrong with me?
What happened to the real me?
My own thoughts are killing me right now.
"Hey dickhead, hurry the fuck up!" Jakoda's irritating voice sounds from outside the house startling me, my mind so far away. Averting my gaze from the mirror, I slip on my black combat boots, lacing them up before exiting the room and joining him in the car. It's past midnight now, my dad and sister fast asleep. I can't seem to fall asleep though and have been awake for hours lost and staring into space. So I would rather go out, party and have a few drinks than stay in bed overthinking and killing my own happiness.
Opening the door to the driver's seat I get in, snatching the keys from Tk who's in the passenger seat. We never let him drive because he's terrible at it and drives like a deranged maniac. We almost died a few times because of his recklessness. Jakoda and Malin are in the backseat arguing about irrelevant shit as usual. Apart from my family, my bestfriends are the only people who get me the most. Even when I push them away, they find their way back to me. Maybe because we understand one another's pain and have experienced a lot of shit together. From betrayals to heartbreaks, we've survived it all.
We don't let all that hurt and pain tear us apart, instead we use it as a stepping stone to greatness. That's why we strive for the best and work our asses off to achieve our dreams and change our lives for the better as well as our families'. We keep going and staying true to ourselves because we know all these hardships will be worth it in the end. It's a tough walk but the toughest walks always lead to the greatest destinations. I see tremendous success in the future. I want all of us to succeed. Not just me, all of us.
There are friends, there's family. Then there are friends that become family. Whenever I'm lost and empty I run to my bestfriends because they feel like home. They're home. We've cried and laughed together and it's all beautiful. After all, life is full of happiness and sadness, we just have to find a way to navigate through everything and come out strong.
I care about Malin, Jakoda and Tk alot so when someone messes with them, that person is messing with me. When it comes to the three of them, I'm the most protective, dangerous and ruthless man. Hurt them and I'll break you into tiny pieces, cross them and I'll burn you down to ashes. I'm a fierce man and nobody should dare trifle with the people dear to me.
"Shut up, the both of you or I'll drive this car off the fucking bridge." I warn Malin and Jakoda, staring them down through the rearview mirror. Their arguments never end. I love my bestfriends but they drive me crazy on a daily basis.
"They're always arguing and now I have a headache because of them." Tk sighs in annoyance turning on his seat to glare at them in the backseat. "I can't take it anymore, so shut the fuck up!"
Malin laughs pulling out his phone scrolling through it and tapping on the screen. "Jokes aside, the manager of the restaurant we work in informed me of a grand business dinner party tomorrow night that the restaurant will be catering for and we'll be part of the waiters serving the guests. We'll be paid well after, so we have to do our best."
"I hate serving snobby people. They make me want to shove the food down their dirty throats. The minute some of them step inside the restaurant it's like their manners fly right out of the window." Jakoda grumbles and laughter erupts in the car.
"I can't stand it when some people snap their fingers at me to get my attention. It's rude and degrading." Tk complains this time. "If you need my attention call out my name, give me a little wave or simply say excuse me. Those are more respectable ways to do it."
"Or ignoring you when you're standing at their table. You're right there after they've called for you and still act like they can't see you." I mutter in irritation. It has happened to me so many times. "If you're still not ready to order just say something like 'we're still good for the moment, thanks '. It's more polite than keeping us standing there awkwardly. Sometimes I get so infuriated I just want to say, 'Hey you dumb fuck, I'm right here next to you. Make your order so I can leave'."
"Fuck them." Malin finally speaks up. "It's not our fault that some people are classless and lack basic manners. Let's just do the work to our level best tomorrow."
Luckily we get to the party before Malin and Jakoda kill each other in the backseat.
Together we step into the house, the thumping bass of the music enveloping us, vibrating through the floor and pulsating in rhythm with our hearts. Bottles of alcohol, an array of shapes and sizes, are scattered across every surface, reflecting the colourful lights dancing and flickering around the room. We sit on the couches and I gaze at the bottles of Jonnie Walker blue label arranged on the table for us. The liquid inside, a rich amber elixir, beckons me, promising me a world of decadent escape. I pick one, the cool glass meeting my fingertips as I uncap it, the aroma of aged whiskey wafting and greeting me. I lift the bottle to my lips, the bitter liquid spilling in my mouth and leaving a burning sensation as it seeps down my throat.
Alcohol alone isn't enough to satisfy my cravings for a complete relaxation. So I reach into my pocket pulling out a rolled joint. Its paper is delicate and tinged with shades of brown, promising me a potent blend of herbaceous escape. My fingers deftly twist the end, sealing the contents within as I search the table for a lighter. Spotting Tk's lighter, I pick it up, flicking my thumb on it and igniting a small flame, bringing it to the end of the joint. I take a deep inhale, feeling the smoke filling my lungs and mingling with the remnants of the whiskey on my tongue.
As I recline back in my seat, the music reverberates through my body, melding with the soothing haze of smoke that surrounds me. The tension in my muscles slowly dissipate, getting replaced by a gentle euphoria that washes over me. Time loses its grip and I surrender to the moment, allowing myself to be carried away on waves of relaxation. In this haven surrounded by the aroma of fine whiskey, the taste of bitter alcohol and the swirling smoke of my joint, I'm finding solace. It's a temporary escape from the outside world, a fleeting oasis where worries fade and boundaries blur. For now, this is exactly what I need.
"We thought you would opt to stay in bed texting your new friend till the wee hours of the morning instead of joining us for the party." Tk says referring to Mia as I inhale the joint, blowing out the smoke and watching it curl and dissipate into the air.
"Mia and her friends went back home in a private jet." Jakoda snickers staring at the joint between his fingers. "Her spoilt brother Tommy always comes to campus in a helicopter, a fucking helicopter. He's the definition of a rich kid who has everything handed to him in life. That family is rich as fuck, they have it so easy."
Tk then nudges me and I glance at him. "What's really going on between you and Mia, be honest with us."
Pushing him away in annoyance I pick the bottle taking a long sip the whiskey, the liquid sipping down my throat hitting me with a burning sensation again. "You guys clearly know that I don't care about Mia's wealth. She's a good person and that's all that matters to me."
"Yes we know. You're always insistent on us being honest and genuine with our intentions and all that bullshit. You're like our older brother, I have no idea why we even take you as one considering all the fucked up shit you do sometimes." Tk chuckles passing another bottle to me.
"Why're you idiots still with me then if all I do is make messes and fuck shit up?" Staring at the three of them, I wait eargely for an answer.
"We're with you because we feel safe around you. You're always protecting us from the negativity and hate from everyone." Tk answers smiling weakly at me. Remaining silent I look away from him and back to my drink.
"We earn our money and not use anybody to get it. Let's work our way to the top, I know one day the four of us will make it." I state in certainty, Jakoda and Malin's eyes on me. Even through all these struggles, I'm sure one day everything will be okay. I can feel it.
"You're always so optimistic." Jakoda chuckles putting down his bottle. The three of us remain silent, drinking and smoking together. "You don't like associating yourself with rich people because of what happened to you in the past, so what makes this Mia girl different?" He breaks the silence and my grip on the bottle tightens, deep anger rising up in my chest.
The muscles along my jaw seize at the question as I clutch the bottle of whiskey tightly in my hand, my knuckles turning white. Those painful memories of what happened to me in the past always eat me inside out, filling me with so much anger.
"I don't know, Mia is a nice and kind hearted woman." I don't know how exactly to answer his question, I'm terrible at expressing my feelings and emotions and putting them in words. "Maybe she's special." At times when I try telling someone how I really feel, I end up going silent instead, not knowing what exactly to say and how to say it. So I keep them bottled inside me. That's why people always assume I don't have feelings. "Mia's special, a special friend."
Glancing up I find my friends' scrutinizing gazez on me. "Friend?"
"Yes, friend."
I honestly don't know what I feel for Mia or where we stand. I also have no idea what I mean to her. What I'm completely sure of is my days are gloomy without her and I think of her all day everyday. I want her so much, all the fucking time. It's her beautiful smile that I always want to see. She makes my heart beat so fast even when I don't want it to beat at all. I've never cared about any woman this much and I never expected myself to like her this hard. It's the first time and to be honest, I don't like it.
I hate it.
I don't want to care about any woman. They make you fall in love with them and love them with all your heart then leave you after making themselves your entire world. They break and ruin you, leaving you completely drained, vulnerable and weak. That's exactly what happened around me and in my own family. I don't want to go through the pain my dad is still going through. I won't be able to take it.
Love is not for everyone, especially me.
How do I make my heart feel nothing for Mia, to not think of her or care about her. How do I get rid of my feelings for her?
She's always in my head and I don't know how to get her out of there.
How do I do that?
All this makes me feel so shitty.
Fuck, I hate feeling like this. It's driving me crazy.
Desperate to get rid of the thoughts in my head, I refill my glass with vodka this time, gulping down the bitter liquid and holding a joint between my lips, smoking. When I'm high I'm peaceful, weightless and free, exactly how I like it. Being high is my source of comfort, joy, euphoria and elevation.
Two girls in little black dresses join my friends and I on the couches, one climbing on Jakoda's lap straddling him and kissing down his neck as he grabs her ass not caring about everyone else in the room. The other one sits opposite Malin and I, her eyes sorely on mine as she smiles seductively twirling a strand of hair between her fingers. Getting weirded out by her constant smiles at me, I pull on the hood of my black sweatshirt to cover my hair, leaning back on the couch and closing my eyes.
A while later I open my eyes glancing around and not seeing Malin and Tk on the couch anymore. It's only Jakoda sitting opposite me with the girl still on his lap. She whispers something to him, kissing his cheek before getting off him and giggling hurrying upstairs. "I'm going to hit that shit from the back until she starts speaking in tongues." He whispers to me before following her closely behind as I laugh shaking my head. "Daddy about to get it on!"
More space is created in the room for the people dancing, the couches and tables pushed to the corners of the room and loud music still blasting. Every single person in here is drunk and high, singing along to the songs at the top of their voices, having fun and not giving a fuck about anything else in the world. There are couples in every corner making out heavily, lost in the moment. Amidst the chaos, Mia invades my thoughts. She's occupying my thoughts like an enchanting melody that refuses to fade away. I pick my phone that's on the table, my fingers trembling slightly as I dial her number.
With each ring, my heartbeat quickens, echoing the pulsating beats of the music. The air is laden with a mix of alcohol and smoke, heightening my senses and amplifying the urgency of my desire to connect with Mia. The world is fading away and leaving only the anticipation of hearing her voice. The phone finally connects and I take a sharp intake of breath.
"Lucas." Her sweet voice that's music to my ears serenades my heart and my grip on the phone tightens. "Are you okay, you're not saying anything." She adds as I stare at the phone having nothing in mind to say to her. I have no fucking idea why I even called her.
"Did I wake you up?" I finally manage to ask.
"No, I'm reading a novel, I haven't slept yet." She answers and I check the time seeing it's 12.30 am.
"Okay." That's the only thing I can come up with. I don't know what else to say to her.
"Do you want to talk about something?"
"No, good night." Hanging up I throw the phone on the table in frustration, lowering the hood of my sweatshirt and running my fingers through my hair. What the hell is wrong with me?
Leaning back on the couch I cover my face with my hands as I let out a heavy sigh. I need to do something to put my mind and heart at peace. I don't want anybody invading my mind, much less a woman, my close friend at that. The alcohol and joints aren't helping in any fucking way.
My eyes roam around settling on the girl who has been constantly smiling at me now dancing sensually on her own not far from where I am, her eyes still sorely on me. She runs her hands down to the curves of her waist motioning for me to join her. Since I'm already here I may as well have fun and enjoy myself. Picking my glass and chugging the rest of the bitter drink, I pick the bottle refilling the empty party cup before getting up with it in hand and snaking my way across the room to where the girl is. Grabbing her waist with my free hand, I make her turn so her back is against my chest. Slowly she sways her hips side to side, her arm behind my neck as she grinds on me, the blasting and pounding music vibrating on the floors. I throw my head back as she presses up her body onto mine, wounding her fingers in my hair.
Closing my eyes, I imagine myself dancing with a certain special woman who's crazy about strawberries and has the most angelic and euphoric voice.
I hate this because I don't want to think about Mia this much. I fucking hate this.
The rhythm of the music blaring in the house guides our steps as we continue dancing, the girl turning around and facing me. Her hands roam on my chest, caressing as she smiles at me, slowly moving to my collarbone and the back of my neck. She pulls my head down, her lips now only inches away from mine and her breath laced with the intoxicating smell of alcohol mingling with mine, the both of us breathing heavily.
Before we can make any move, my phone rings pulling us out of the trance and it's Mia calling.
Quickly letting go of the girl I pick my phone debating if I should receive the call or ignore it.
My heart gives in and I receive the call waiting for Mia to talk. "I can't sleep." She states making me sigh. That's the reason she has called me?
"Is something wrong?" Walking back to the couch I sit down in worry ready to listen to her.
"No, nothing is wrong. I just can't fall asleep."
"What can I do to help?"
"Talk to me." Mia answers and I take deep breaths looking around the room and leaning back on the couch as we go silent again but neither of us hangs up.
"Talk about what?"
"Anything. I want to talk to you and hear your voice."
My eyes settle on the girl I was dancing with who gives me one last look expecting me to go back to her but I remain sitted on the couch. She walks out of the room, my mind now on Mia as I try coming up with what to tell her.
We end up talking for over an hour as I listen to her crazy talks and weird loud laugh. All through our conversation I'm filled with happiness and relief that she isn't bored anymore. We talk more about our childhood and high school life, Mia doing most of the talking because I don't have any lively or happy memories that I can share with her. My childhood and high school years were marked with isolation, overshadowed by personal struggles and lack of meaningful connections. My past isn't something worth mentioning.
Malin and Tk return to the room sitting opposite me with full party cups in hand as I continue talking to Mia only for them to start making goofy and funny facial expressions at me to piss me off. "Oh sweet baby I love you so much, please love me back." Tk coos at Malin who bursts into laughter leaning on him. "I need you." He mimics exactly what Mia told me weeks ago and I can't help but laugh this time.
Getting up I move away from them to continue talking to Mia without any distractions and interruptions. Minutes later I wish her a good night after she tells me that she's now sleepy. Joining my friends I sit down putting the phone on the table, a smile plastered on my face. This time I pick a can of Pepsi and not alcohol, Tk and Malin staring at me. "You idiots clearly have some shit to say, so go ahead and say it."
"You're breaking your own rules for this girl." Malin voices pushing his jokes aside.
"Look, Mia and I have alot in common. We've both been through rough shit in the past. We both know how it feels to be alone and lost. We understand each other in a deep level and our connection is real and true. We have a strong friendship that you people clearly don't understand. That's it, friendship and nothing more so I'm not breaking any of my rules for her. I'm still the same Lucas I've been for years, nothing has changed."
Nothing has changed, right?
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
AUTHOR'S RANT
Quote of the chapter
❤It's okay to make mistakes❤
This chapter has been sad and gloomy because of Lucas's inner struggle. So I want to cheer up your blessed hearts and souls with this amazing picture of how exactly Lucas's house would be during Christmas, you know with his dad loving to decorate the house and all. Isn't it full of Christmas cheer?