Eris
It's so easy to find Tris. Kailangan ko lang sundan kung nasaan yung distinctive nitong amoy.
And for a lot of people, it might be hard to distinguish a certain person from a crowd, but not for me.
Malapit ko na ngang isipin na yung nostrils ko ay masyado na din inlove sa babaeng Negra na yon kaya kahit nasaan man ito, mabilis ko lang iyong nahahanap. Siguro ganoon talaga pag gusto mo yung tao. Lahat ng bagay na magpapaalala sa taong iyon sayo ay natatandaan mo agad.
But maybe that ability is a curse. Lalo na kung may mga eksenang nirerequire ka na magpa-late ng dating para di ka masaktan sa kung anuman ang eksenang dadatnan mo.
Gaya ngayon. How I wish I was late.
There's Tris, being extremely close to her bestfriend. Too close na kahit sinong makakita ay iisipin na may ginagawa ang mga ito lalo pa at nandito sa lugar na hindi puntahan ng tao. Sa mismong bukana pa ng forest sa loob ng bakuran ng mga Montello.
Nanghihinang napasandal na lang ako sa punong malapit sakin habang nakatanaw sa eksenang iyon, ilang metro ang layo sa kinatatayuan ko.
Tris is obviously enjoying Lee's hands wrapped on her waist as the latter is kissing her neck.
I closed my eyes.
This scene is not new. Ilang babae na ba ang nahuli kong humahalik at lumalandi kay Tris? Hindi naman ito yung una. Mas malala pa nga yung iba.
It's okay, Eris. Perfectly okay. Just close your eyes if that hurts that much. Pagkatapos, laban lang ulit. Ginusto mo yan. Don't complain.
Mula sa pagkakasandal sa puno ay sunod-sunod yung malalim na paghinga na ginawa ko. This is what I've learnt from Mommy. Kapag kasi naiinis na ito sa mga babaeng lantaran na lumalandi kay Mom ay tahimik na kinakalma lang nito yung sarili nito.
Trust.
Mommy trusts Mom that she won't do anything that could possibly hurt her. Oo, alam ko na hindi perpekto si Mom. Posible din na at some point ay natritrigger yung ego nito at may nagagawa itong hindi dapat. But I know that she knows when to stop. Lalo pa at natatakot ito na sa amin ni Ate Ember bumalik yung karma nito.
When we're mad, it's normal that we do some drastic actions. Lalo pa at normal na yata sa lahi namin yung maiinitin yung ulo at ayaw magpatalo. That's why Mommy taught us to stop for a while and take a deep breath to clear our cloudy mind.
Silvas are not born barbarians. Natritrigger lang kami kapag pakiramdam namin naaapi na kami at nadedehado.
It's okay, Eris. You know from the start na habulin talaga si Tris. Wala kang magagawa sa bagay na yon. Just wait for your turn. At kung sakali man na hindi dumating yung panahon na yon, at least you already had your chance to be that close to her. That's more than enough.
It took me some time to calm myself down. Gusto kong maawa sa sarili ko pero hindi kasi kami pinalaki ni Mom na balat-sibuyas.
We were raised like a fighter. Lalo pa at tangay tangay namin yung sinumpang apelyido nya. Our last name is a crown of wealth and power, camouflaging as a curse. Still, a gift.
Sabi nila, what a Silva wants, a Silva gets. But the hidden truth is, we are just a masochist. Kahit masakit na, lalaban pa din. Kahit inaayawan na, nagpupumilit pa. And yes, maybe at some point nagiging makasarili kami, but at the end of the day, we're always choosing what's best for the people we love. We have no problems sacrificing ourselves in the end if that will make our loved ones happy.
So if Tris would be happy with Kaylee, who am I to step in between? Kelangan ko lang marinig kay Tris kung iyon talaga yung gusto nya and I'll be happy to let her go. Mas gusto ko pa din naman na makita syang masaya. Even if that happiness is not with me. I'm okay with it.
Nagawa ko naman noon na tanawin lang sya sa malayo. Magpapansin ng kaunti. Magpanggap na balewala lang din ito. Samantalahin yung mga pagkakataon na maibuhos yung lahat ng naipon kong inis at pagkairita sa lantaran na kalandian nya.
Just to love her on my own way. Afar.
I waited patiently as I try to stop my trail of thoughts. Masyado ng masakit yung mga naiisip ko. Ayokong pangunahan ang mga bagay bagay hangga't hindi pa nangyayari.
This is just my exclusive ticket to be with Tris. I should just seize every moment, every second, every minute that she's still finding me appealing. When that fascination wards off, babalik na lang ako ulit sa Isla. Sabi naman ni Mom, I can chase my happiness, but if it's not for me, the island and our family are always there patiently waiting to comfort me.
I readied my smile as I inhale the familiar scent approaching. And when I opened my eyes, I saw those two figures.
Tris and Kaylee, holding each other's hands, both laughing.
Happiness suits them both.
"E-Eris.."
Ngumiti ako kay Tris na halatang nawalan ng kulay yung mukha nang makita ako. Para pa nga itong natatakot. I even notice the way she immediately let go of Kaylee's hand.
"Kanina ka pa ba dyan?"
"Hmm?" I slowly shake my head as I said my lie. "Kadarating ko lang." itinuro ko yung pinanggalingan ko. "I saw Harrice kasi kanina, hinahatak ako kung saan saan. And I hate to socialize kaya I just tried to look for you to escape that."
Halatang hindi kumbinsido si Tris na sumulyap pa muna kay Kaylee. "We were just talking ni Lee. I am just telling her na hindi sya dapat gumawa ng eksena don dahil lang dumating si Payne."
I know that Tris is just waiting for me to confront her. She's probably getting the idea that I saw what happened between the two of them.
But why does her excuse sounds defensive?
"It's okay." I shrugged my shoulder. "Matagal pa ba kayo? I could just grab us a drink while waiting."
"No. No." Mabilis na pagtanggi ni Tris at saka hinawakan ako sa braso. Tuluyan na nga itong lumayo kay Lee at lumapit sakin. "Sama na ako sayo. Lee will be fine. She'll be just sleeping in her room. Right, Lee?"
Instead of agreeing, Lee just shook her head. Hinatak pa nito pabalik sa tabi nito si Tris. Kumapit sa braso nito na akala mo pag-aari yung babaeng hawak nito.
That thought made me wince.
"Samahan mo ko, Tris. I can't sleep on my room alone. I might just cry the whole night. I need you. Sanay naman na si Eris na mag-isa. Okay lang yon sa kanya. Di ba, Eris?"
Out of all the experiences I've had with Tris whenever it concerns Lee and Elle, alam ko na hinding hindi ito makakatanggi doon. At ayoko din naman na pahirapan syang pumili. But still, a part of me is saying that it's worth a beginner's luck.
Ano kayang pakiramdam kung sakaling tanungin ko si Tris at pinili nya ko?
And I don't want that question to just remain as is. Yung tanong lang na kahit kailan ay hindi masasagot kung lagi akong natatakot na itanong.
Kung noon, I'll just pretend oblivious and passive. Right now, I just want Tris to decide what she wants.
"Uhm, yes." I nod my head bago ngumiti kay Kaylee. Si Tris naman ay mataman lang na nakatingin sakin. That's why I met Kaylee's stares as I say, "Sanay ako mag-isa. I don't need anyone to comfort me nor to complete me. But if Tris will be happy to accompany me, I'd be happy. Pero kung hindi, it's fine. Sabi mo nga, sanay naman ako. If Tris would choose you because you can't be alone, I'd understand."
Sanay naman akong hindi pinipili ni Tris.
Ilang segundo yata kaming nagtitigan na tatlo. Nagpapakiramdam. Si Kaylee yung unang kusang bumitaw kay Tris.
"I'm sorry." she whispers. "You can take Tris. She wants to be with you too. Nahihiya lang yan na iwan ako dahil nangako syang di ako iiwan. But now that you're here, take your spot, Eris. Wala akong planong makiagaw."
Tris was astounded. "Kaylee.."
Her bestfriend just gave her a soft smile. "C'mon, Tris. Si Eris na yan, sinusundo ka na. Tinatanggihan mo pa? Akala ko ba mahal mo yan? Aba, just grab her okay? Baka nakakalimutan mo na dating crush ko yan? Agawin ko yan sayo, tingnan mo. Ikaw ang iiyak satin." dagdag biro pa ni Kaylee.
Sa narinig ay awtomatikong kumapit sa braso ko si Tris. "Don't you dare, Lee. I'll hate you forever!"
Naaaliw na tumawa lang si Kaylee at kumindat sakin.
"Pag inayawan ka ni Tris, welcome ka sakin, Eris. Let's make her regret doing that."
I bit my lower lip to stop myself from saying anything. Lalo pa at dama ko yung possessive na paraan ng paghapit ni Tris sakin na para bang hindi ito papayag na maagaw ako ng iba. Kahit pa si Kaylee.
Kuntentong tumango at ngumiti pa nga si Kaylee sa nakikita nitong pagkataranta ni Tris.
"So, paano? I'd go first. Let's have a friendly dinner some other time."
Lumapit ito at humalik sa pisngi ni Tris pagkatapos ay niyuko ako at hinalikan din sa pisngi. Saka ito tumalikod at nagdire-diretsong naglakad palayo. Naiwan tuloy kami ni Tris dito na kami lang dalawa.
"She really likes you." tila hindi makapaniwalang sambit pa ni Tris na hinahabol ng tingin yung bulto ng bestfriend nito. "She usually hates everyone na napapalapit sakin. Kahit si Elle inaayawan non."
"Oh? Mukhang close naman sila ni Elle ah?"
"Modesty." Tris implied. "Kaylee's being civil to Elle out of her upbringing to always show courtesy and modesty to the people around her whether she likes them or not."
That made me shrugged my shoulders. Hindi ko masyadong pinagtutuunan iyon ng pansin.
I'm still awed and occupied with the fact na hindi nagpumilit si Tris ngayon na sundan yung bestfriend nito lalo pa at halatang kailangan niyon ngayon ng kasama.
Does it mean, I matter more to her than Kaylee?
Ipinilig ko yung ulo ko para alisin yung ganoong isipin. Mahirap pag masyadong pinapataas yung expectations. Masakit pag na-disappoint.
"Let's go back to the party, Tris. Kukuha pa tayo ng steak para sa Mama mo." Pabirong sabi ko na lang.
Instead of dragging me back to the party, Tris just grabbed my hand and clasped it tightly to stop me from walking pass her.
"Wait, Eris. I need to tell you something first." Mahinang usal nito.
At kahit ayoko ay bigla akong nanlamig sa narinig. Bumilis yata yung pagpump ng dugo ko at nagsiakyatan sa ulo ko. Sa sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko, parang nanghihina yung tuhod ko sa matinding kaba. Yung mga kamay ko ay biglang nagpawis na nga din yata.
Sunod-sunod akong napalunok.
Is she going to tell me that our play is now over? Na gaya ng lahat ng dumaan sa kanya, nawalan na din sya ng gana sakin? If that's the case, hindi ba dapat ay unahan ko na sya para lang maisalba ko pa yung natitirang dignidad ko?
No, Eris. Just let Tris to make the call. That way you'll have no regrets, no what ifs, no buts. You'll stop wondering. Then, you could heal and move on. Listen to Harrice. She's a good observant and mostly of her hunches are accurate.
Nang humarap ako ulit kay Tris ay may nakahanda na akong ngiti. Maganda man o hindi yung sasabihin nito, atleast ako mismo sa sarili ko maganda.
"Uhm.." binitawan nito yung kamay ko bago nahihiyang napayuko para magtama yung mga tingin namin. "May kasalanan ako.."
Napahinga ako ng malalim. Yung mga linyahan kasi ngayon ni Tris, sobrang classic.
Start ng speech for a break-up.
Pero dahil ayoko din na pangunahan ito, mas pinili ko na lang na manahimik muna at hintayin itong matapos sa mga sasabihin nito. Sisiguraduhin ko na lang na masasapak ko sya bago ako umuwing luhaan sa Isla mamaya.
"Kaylee kissed my neck and I just let her." Tris continued. She seems guilty of the act. It's visible on her facial reactions.
Ano ba dapat sabihin pag umaamin yung tao sa kasalanan nya?
Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako ulit ng malalim.
"Hindi ka galit?" Nananantyang tanong ni Tris na para bang inaasahan na yung mga sampal at suntok ko sa kanya. Ganoon ba talaga ako kabayolente sa paningin nya?
I took another deep breath. "I'm mad." and before Tris could utter another word, I add, "I'm terribly mad, Tris. But if you enjoyed that kiss and made you realize a lot of things about your feelings towards Lee, who am I to meddle in between? Feelings mo yan. Emosyon mo yan. Ako ba ikaw?"
"But I told you to win me, right? Aren't you going to be possessive of me?" Inangatan ako nito ng kilay na akala mo ito pa yung galit at ako pa yung may kasalanan sa aming dalawa. "I thought Silvas are possessive? Bakit di ka ganun? Peke ka ba?"
"What?"
Alam kong walang nakakatawa sa sitwasyon namin pero hindi ko maiwasan ba hindi matawa ng mahina sa mga pinagsasasabi nito.
"So you now find our situation funny?" sumbat pa nito.
"Look." I said in between laughs, "I am trying to win you gaya ng sabi mo. But it doesn't mean that I am already robbing you of your choices. You're still free and open to choose, Tris. I mean, hindi ba we're still in the stage of discovering and exploring our feelings for each other? It's not like we're already committed to each other though."
Tris gaped at me. Halatang masama ang loob. "So you aren't sure of me yet, Serina? After all those make outs and body-draining sex? Yung pagpapadala mo ng bulaklak at halos panliligaw mo kay Mama para magustuhan ka para sakin? Yung pagsama sa mga medical missions ni Mommy? Mga dinner dates at oras na nilaan ko sayo? Wala lang sayo!? Hindi ka pa sigurado!?"
Napamaang ako.
"Wait, bakit ba ikaw pa yung nagagalit?" Nagtatakang balik-tanong ko. "E ikaw nga itong nagsasabi na nag-enjoy ka na hinalikan ka ni Kaylee."
"Anong nag-enjoy?" patuloy na kontra nito. "I said I just let her. I didn't say that I like it nor I enjoy it."
That made me purse my lips. I can't get her logic though. If you're allowing it, doesn't it mean you're liking it?
"I just let her so I could clearly differentiate my feelings towards you and to anybody else." Tris clarified. "Mas gusto ko pa din na ikaw yung kasama ko at hindi sila."
"Should that make me happy?"
"Of course!" naiinis nang singhal ni Tris. "I'm in love with you. I only want you. Tapos sasabihin mo sakin na hindi ka pa sigurado? So puro landian pa din sayo? Katawan ko lang talaga ang habol m-"
"Shut up, Tris!"
"What? Totoo? Masakit pakinggan na ayun lang talaga yung gusto mo sakin? From now on, hindi na ako papayag na may mangyari pa ulit satin hangga't di tayo nakakasal! You want me? Marry me!"
"So you're now denying yourself to me?" My eyes turned a little bit dark.
"Yes!"
I grit my teeth. "Then, let me tell you why intimacy is a necessity between us, Tris." I grab Tris' hips closer that made her gasp. "Is this close enough to assure you that you'll never lose me?" I whisper on her ear.
She was just staring at me, wide-eyed.
I tiptoed closer to claims her lips and bite it open so I could claim her mouth. When I succeeded, I gave her that mind-blowing kiss.
And when she's already gasping for breath, I moved out a little. Just enough for her to breathe. "Is that enough reason to make you stop on wanting to belong to anyone else?"
Then I began trailing my fingers on her back. Running it on her soft skin. At kahit pa may suot itong damit, dama ko yung mainit na singaw ng katawan nito. "Whenever I trail my fingers on you, I am weaving those magics, Tris. That's the spell I'm casting on you that you'll never find anyone else better than me."
Tris' breath hitched. Though her burning eyes are still stuck on me.
"I am long in love with you. It was never been a secret. It is always too obvious that anyone can clearly see it. It's been too much and too certain that you always leave me breathless. So don't tell me that you'll deny me of yourself because that's the only way I could make you feel how much I'm in love with you! Doon mo lang kasi ako nakikita. Doon mo lang ako kailangan. Doon mo lang ako nararamdam-"
And when Tris claimed my lips, nothing else matters. Just her. Just us.
All of the reasonings bailed out on me again. All the coherent thoughts left me.
But one thing is for sure.
Tris is no longer just my fairytale.
*****