We're both silent inside the car as we drive home. Not silent mad, not silent ready to argue, just thinking kind of silent.
I guess he's still processing what happened earlier and I on the other hand will have to prepare for several scenarios in my head. But one thing is for sure, I will definitely, without a doubt make him not regret this.
He joined me in my apartment. He's still silent. I'll wait for him to talk. He knows I am not mad and this is not going to be a screaming match. Not going to happen anymore, I'm not allowing that to happen.
"I don't want to." he started.
"Why?" I can sense that he's having a hard time.
"Because I don't want to leave you here." he looked at me with such sad eyes.
"You're declining this opportunity because of me?"
"Mainly and I thought about it a lot, especially when you were away for two weeks and I couldn't handle it. I missed you too much and I'd rather take the one day, one hour, or one minute to be with you more than any other video calls or technology that can offer that sense and feeling of being with you. Just thinking about it, I can't."
"Sean..."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the Germany thing. I know it's going to be a topic but I had to prepare myself."
"I'm not even mad about you not telling me that it's in Germany. I'm not mad nor hurt so you can stop worrying about that part."
"You are not?"
"No. Why should I be? Fine I heard it from other people but I am sure you have your reasons. Reasons that I want to hear now."
"Reason is always you. Everything I do is for you and if this is going to make me give up being with you here, then I'd rather give that up than this, than us."
"Who's saying that we're going to give us up?"
"Jamie, please. Between the two of us, you'd survive this more than I do and you know it. I can't. Knowing my patterns, thanks to you, I'd be jealous, I'd say the worst stuff I would say and I'm going to end up hurting you in the process, which I never would want to. My temper is going to get to me and I'll probably come home as soon as we fight. I might not be able to focus because you're not there."
"Don't you trust yourself more that you'll be able to do it?"
"No I don't. Not when it comes to you."
He's dead set on his decision.
"Can I tell you what I think about this at least?" I started. I've thought about it while in the car.
He nodded in response. I breathed in the air I needed and hoped that I wouldn't hurt him in the process.
"I'd hold on to you if I could, you know I would. But I can't Sean and I shouldn't. I am thankful that you are doing everything for me and I'm always your reason for the things you do and I love you for that, I do. But that is unfair for you. You may not realize it now but I love you way too much to cage you in that idea that your world should only revolve around me. That is way too unfair for you."
"What are you saying?"
"Will you not resent me? When you realize and wake up one morning that you gave up a great opportunity because you're holding on to me?"
"There are other schools here that can offer that. Our school is the top school that can offer that opportunity."
"We both know that is not true, Sean."
"Why do I feel like you're pushing me away?"
"I'm not pushing you away, I'm urging you to take a step to grab the opportunity for your future whether I am in it or not."
"Jamie come on. This is not a counselling session. This is our relationship on the line. I don't understand why we are talking about a future with or without you in it when it's just about the scholarship."
"You know this is not just about the scholarship anymore. You've been walking on eggshells around me, you may think I have not noticed but I have. I don't know when it started, but I noticed. You would always give in to what I want even if sometimes I know that it's not what you want. You would explain things even if I did not want you to and tell you it's alright. You would make major adjustments in your day because of me. That's becoming unfair and I don't want to be unfair."
"I do those because I love you."
"But I am getting scared of that kind of love you're giving me. It's like you orbit around me and I have to always be stable for you so that you don't veer away. I'm afraid to wake up one morning and not see the look in your eyes that's only meant for me. I'm scared that because you do everything for me, what if I'm not able to give you everything you need?"
"That will never happen."
"How sure are you?"
"I'll make sure." He said firmly.
"Sean don't you see? Bit by bit you're losing you and what you could be. You're reducing yourself to be everything for me when you could do and be a lot of things. I don't want you to lose you. I don't want to lose the you that I love."
"You won't."
"Those are promises that can be hard to keep and you know that, Sean. Our love is not limitless, it will get spent, replenished, then spent. Then you would wake up one morning and realize that you've been holding onto these instead of being free from the world that you created. It will get harder to stay than leave."
"I can handle those what could have beens, should have beens, and even the would have beens. I can even accept the fact that you won't like me along the way but I can't ever handle the possibility of seeing you resent me everyday, Sean. I won't be able to and that'll hurt way too much."
"Here I am thinking that this talk will only revolve around the scholarship I planned to reject." Sean said without humour in it.
"I never meant to hurt you with what I said, I'm sorry. I just want you to know and think it through."
"Yeah. I should get going. I'll call you."
He got up and went straight to the door without looking at me. I know that call will not come by later and I need to prepare myself for what's to come.
If he realizes and I hope he does, then we will talk.