Death is an interesting experience. Both Hayley Raso and Leah Williamson approached this grief differently. When Juliette died, both Hayley and Leah knew that they were the person the other was fighting against for Juliette's metaphorical heart. But in the end, Juliette's physical heart was both their downfalls.
Leah's POV
When I went into the hospital room, I knew I needed to be strong. If not for myself, then definitely for Keira. I knew I had lost someone special. I had lost the girl I had been loving since I was sixteen. But Keira, Keira lost her twin. Her person. Her soulmate. Her grief would outweigh anything that I was feeling, and I knew that.
When Keira left the hospital room to go out to the waiting room, to talk to the team, I stayed with Ettie. I knew that this would be my last chance to say everything I needed to. I held her hand, and placed my head on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I said to her, "for everything. I'm sorry for not listening to you, and not being the person you needed. Ettie, please wake up. Please. I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts." All I heard as I said this were the beeping machines. "I thought I'd spend forever with you. I had it all planned. You were going to travel the world for a year while I was in England. Then you'd come back, and start coaching somewhere, and we'd be living in my apartment together. After a few years, I'd propose. I'd get down on one knee, and tell you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. We were going to get married, maybe adopt a few kids, and then I'd play for a few more years, then retire. We'd settle down in London or Manchester, and maybe start a coaching clinic together. I had it all planned out, Ett."
I heard the door open, and Keira had returned with Hayley. Tears flowed down her face as she came and sat on the other side of the bed.
"It's my fault," Hayley said quietly.
"No," I answered, "it's not."
"Yeah, it is. She told me her heart wasn't good. She told me that it was painful, and I didn't say anything. She asked for me to keep it quiet, and I did, and now..." Hayley's voice trailed off. I looked at her, surprised how she knew. Hayley was the first person Ettie told about her condition, so maybe it wasn't as surprising as I first thought.
"Hayley, it's not your fault. Ettie was a grown person, she made her own decisions. You can't blame yourself for that," Keira replied, still standing in the doorway.
"I just can't believe this happened," Hayley said, resting her head on Ettie's chest, "she's gone." I grabbed Hayley's hand, and made her look at me
"She's not gone," I said, "she lives on with us." Hayley gave me a small smile, and for the first time in a while, I knew I said the right thing.
When Ettie was taken off life support, Keira asked for no one else to be there. She wanted to say goodbye to her twin in private, which I understood. But as it was happening, I got a message from Indi.
Indi: please tell me its not true. Please tell me ettie is ok
Leah: im sorry, inds, she's gone.
Indi: omg, im coming.
When Indi arrived, she talked with Keira for a while. They were comforting each other, and while that happened, I sat with Jill, Kristie and Sam.
"I can't believe it," Sam said, grieving. Despite having just won the World Cup, she wasn't partying, instead at the hospital.
"How are you?" Jill asked me.
"Surviving," I replied.
"No," Sam said, "make sure you live. Live for her, don't just survive." I knew she was right. I couldn't be a zombie walking through life with grief, I needed to be strong.
The funeral was a hard pill to swallow. As Keira talked, I tried not to cry. She was so strong, and spoke so beautifully. Her words were felt in my heart, and my soul, and something about Keira and Ettie's sisterhood was so perfectly said in the eulogy.
After the funeral, I ended up talking with Hayley for what felt like ages.
"How are you holding up?" I asked her.
"I'm okay. What about you?"
"Not sure what to feel, honestly."
"Same," she replied.
"I just feel like it's not real. I feel like she's going to walk through those doors and still be here. Still smiling, and chatting away."
"Sort of feels like a really bad dream."
"A nightmare," I answered.
"An awful nightmare."
"She told me you guys broke up," Hayley then said.
"I feel so stupid," I answered, "I was so dumb, and stubborn, and I wasn't listening to what she had to say."
"She was scared to tell you," Hayley said, "she cared so much about you, that she didn't want anything to jeopardise that."
"I really fucked everything up."
"No, you didn't. No one would have known it had gotten this bad. Ettie always felt as if she had to keep things to herself. She was such a private person, and even throughout my years knowing her, there was always something I didn't know. You'd never know the whole truth, when it came to Ettie."
"Why do you think that is?" I asked her.
"She was scared. She never wanted to be an issue. Never wanted to be treated like a fragile flower," Hayley responded.
"She wasn't fragile, she was the strongest person I knew. All I ever wanted was to protect her," I replied.
"Me too."
"And I couldn't do it. I couldn't protect her."
"Leah, don't think like that. We did everything in our power, but sometimes, the world works against us. Sometimes, we can't protect the ones we love most."
After the funeral, I didn't really know what to do. I returned to London, and lay in my apartment for what felt like ages. I heard a knock at my door, and when I opened it, Jordan was standing there.
"Hi," she said to me.
"Hey," I answered back.
Hayley's POV
I had just finished playing in the final of a World Cup, and we had won. We had done it. I was ecstatic. I was jumping up and down with glee, so happy to have done it. The Matilda's had done it. Once I had returned to the locker room, after the ceremony, the celebrations in the room were going wild. Champagne was being sprayed everywhere, and we were screaming our lungs out to songs.
I went to check my phone, to video some of the crazy scenes when I saw I got a message from Lucy.
Lucy: i know you just won the world cup, but ettie's in hospital. You might want to come.
My eyes widened when I saw the message, and I sprinted out of the locker room.
"Where are you going?" Sam asked me, but I didn't respond. I grabbed a taxi and headed straight to the hospital.
When I arrived, I saw the entire English team in the waiting room. It wasn't looking too good. My heart sunk, and I felt a million thoughts rush through my mind. Why didn't I say anything? Why did I let her continue playing? She told me it was bad so why did I let this keep happening? I should've protected her, and I didn't.
Keira soon came out of the hospital room, and I saw her face red with tears.
"Guys, thank you for being here," Keira said, "but it'd probably be best if you go get some sleep. It's not looking too good." I walked up to her, knowing I wasn't going to leave.
"Is she okay?" I asked, knowing the most probable answer. When she shook her head, I thought I was going to collapse.
"You want to come see her?" Keira asked, and I nodded. She took my hand, and we walked into the hospital room. Leah's head was resting on Ettie's arm, looking down at the bed.
Tears started to flow. I couldn't help it. It was all getting too much. I grabbed Ettie's hand, and looked at her, her eyes shut and hair falling perfectly beside her. I stayed there, with Leah, for a while. Both of us just trying to find comfort in the last few hours we'd have with her.
After the tournament, I was going to talk to Ettie. I was going to tell her that I loved her, that I wanted to be with her. I knew she had just broken up with Leah, and although not the right thing to do, I wanted her. I wanted Ettie. I wanted to tell her my plans, and my dreams, and let her know that she was a part of them. She was someone I saw in my future. I was excited for her to start her new journey of coaching, and possibly move up to Manchester and we could live together. I wanted her to come watch my games, and cheer me in the crowd. I wanted to travel the world with her too, after I'd retired. I wanted to see the places we both had never seen, and be carefree in a world that can often torment. But I guess that can't be the case. I guess I can never tell her those things.
The funeral was hard. Very hard. I watched Keira give her eulogy, and I was so blown away with how well she spoke. She was able to convey exactly how much Ettie had influenced so many people, and just seeing the amount of faces in the seats showed just that. Ettie was loved by everyone.
I talked with Leah for a little while. I knew she would be grieving just as much as I would be. It was hard knowing that we were, in a sense, the other's competition. But now, with Ettie gone, I knew I'd need her. I need her, not only for support, but also to remember Ettie. To remember the amazing person she is. Well, was.
When I arrived back at my place in Manchester, I felt a pit in my stomach grow deeper than before. It was tough, knowing that the girls who I once loved was no longer in this world. It was a void I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fill.
I soon heard my doorbell ring and as I went to the door, I saw Izzy standing there.
"Hi," she said to me.
"Hey," I answered back.
Both Hayley and Leah didn't know how to feel, after the death of their loved one. They found comfort in familiar faces, but both knew they'd never find another person like Juliette, ever again. She was one of a kind. She was special. She was their soulmate, only surprising that neither of them were hers.
Note:
- well, i released two in a day, and three in less than 24 hours, so you guys better love me HAHHAH
- but at the same time, you can hate me too lol its ok. i hate myself sometimes as well :)