She was pregnant. My mind races as I try and keep up with the last few weeks. "I'm really sorry, Ciara." That's all I can say. That's all I've been saying to her for weeks now.
"It's not your fault Nolan." She smiles sadly at me as she continues to lay in my embrace. I pull her closer to me, glad that she's seeking solace in my arms.
I hum softly, running my hands gently up and down her back and she relaxes further into me. We lay like that for awhile, until I hear her soft snores float around the room. I gently slide out of her embrace and move back over to my desk to finish up my paperwork.
"Ciara, I love you." I tell her unconscious form, knowing that this might be the only way I can tell her how I truly feel. "I love you with everything in me." I whisper, placing a soft kiss on her forehead and turning off the light as I climb into the bed beside her, the familiar ache coming back with a vengeance.
I trace over her features, using the dim moonlight for help. "You're so beautiful." I whisper, as I continue to admire her. When I was a kid, women like Ciara where things of dreams and fantasies and here she is, right in front of me, but she seems further away than ever.
A selfish and bitter part of me wishes I never met her. A selfish and bitter part of me is glad that Troy has died, but a deeper part of me is hurting, not because I care about Troy or anything like that, but because Ciara is hurting so deeply and there's nothing I can do to help her.
The cruel part of me is glad that she lost that baby. That if she gives me a chance, nothing will be holding her to Troy, but I know it's not right to think such things. I know that her losing her baby is probably worst than losing Troy and the thoughts that I'm having isn't right. I sigh, running a hand down my face in frustration as I finally tear my eyes away from her.
"How did you manage to make a monster fall in love, Ciara?" I whisper to myself, barely a whisper at that and I slowly drift off to sleep.