Tris
"I missed you too. What took you so long?"
I could feel my insides screaming when I heard that. First time ko marinig iyon kay Eris. Pakiramdam ko yata lahat ng parte ng katawan ko kinilig doon.
No one says that they miss me nor had they said that they've been waiting up for me to show up.
Ngayon lang.
Si Eris lang.
She's missing me too. And she's obviously waiting for me.
Before I could stop myself, I already found my left hand pulling Eris closer, encircling on her waist to pull her up. My other hand is already on her chin to raise her face so I could look in her eyes.
I need to validate that. I need to confirm if it's true or she's just saying it out of courtesy dahil sinabi ko na namiss ko sya.
But No, All I could see is the fondness in Eris' eyes. I know she isn't a romantic type, but heck, that was the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
She's not lying. She really missed me too.
Without thinking that much, I lowered my head to kiss her.
I kiss her cheeks. Her forehead. Her nose. Her edges.
Eris' eyes are still staring at me closely. There's that kind of look in those pair that says she's slowly melting away.
That's one of the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen too.
No one has ever looked at me that way. The kind of look that makes me so powerful. The kind of look that says I had the power to turn her world into shreds if I won't be hers.
Sure, I've got tons of fair share of women. But those women just want my name. Just want to own me because of my elusive reputation. They just want my body. Not me.
Getting impatient by my slow movement, Eris puts her hands around my neck and grabs my nape to pull me closer. My hand tightly grips her waist to keep her steady. Tiyak na magagalit ito pag nabitawan ko.
I slowly close my eyes when Eris' lips brushed on my lips very lightly. Napamulat ako ulit ng mata nang maramdaman na nilayo nito yung mga labi nito na para bang inaakit ako.
"Is this romantic enough?"
"Please?" I couldn't help but to beg for that sinful lips. "I don't want romantic things with you, Serina. I love how passionate you always are. So just give me my kiss."
Eris leans forwards, kissing my lips very gently this time, as if it's our very first kiss. She's taking my lower lip in between her lips, softly touching, pressing a little hard on it, biting it a little harder, before her tongue would give a gentle touches on it.
That kiss was so romantic.
Good.
Sweet.
But not for me. I'm a full-grown woman now with needs to satisfy. Hunger that needs to be satiated.
"That's not the kiss I'm anticipating from you, sweetheart. Let me show how much I've missed you."
I could feel the uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach as I am kissing Eris, Senseless. Yung normal na halik namin sa isa't isa pag magkasama kaming dalawa. Mapusok. Mapaghanap.
I smile hearing how Eris' gasped helplessly in between our kisses.
The raging hormones in me is already kicking in, blinding my brain to think coherently. I suddenly forget about time and place. I just want to push Eris on the wall and give her a good and satisfying kiss until my hunger feeds off on its own.
That's why I suddenly felt empty when Eris pulled her lips away. Again, ipinagkakait na naman nito yung bagay na akin naman na.
"Stop, Tris." hinhingal na sinandal nito yung noo sa noo ko.
But I couldn't seem to stop. As if it has a mind of its own, my lips seeks for Eris, again.
Pero kagaya kanina, nilayo ulit ni Eris yung mga labi nya.
Naiinis na ko!
"Gosh! I really miss you, Eris. Nakakapikon na! Bakit mo ba ipinagkakait sakin yan!?"
"I'm sick, Tris. Mahahawa ka." Saway nito.
Napakunot naman yung noo ko. "That's fine. In sickness and in health, let's share. That's what betrothed does anyway."
I dash forward again to kiss her. I'm not yet full. Hindi pa ko nagsasawa kaya tumigil tigil sya kakakontra.
If I hadn't heard Eris voice telling me that we should stop before we both found ourselves thrown in the ocean, I would most probably lead her on her bed until I had my fill.
Napamulat ako nang may marinig na mga nagbagsakan sa kung saan.
"Siguro naman pwede na tayo magdinner?" I heard Eris' Mom shouts angrily before dragging herself to the dining.
Noon ko lang napansin na masama na pala ang tingin sakin ng lahat.
What have I done?
Paglingon ko kay Eris ay namumula yung buong mukha nito. Her lips is obviously swollen and red too.
"You, okay?" nag-aalalang tanong ko dito.
Inirapan lang ako nito. "Baka gusto mo akong ibaba? Sinabi ko bang buhatin mo ko?"
Naiiling na ibinaba ko ito. Kasalanan ko ba na ang liit nya? I just made kissing more convenient for us. Mangangalay ako kung yuyuko ako sa kanya. Tapos sya naman ay tiyak na mangangalay din kung titingkayad. So lifting her is both good for us.
"Tsk. You're so whipped, Serina sweetheart." Dinig ko pa yung malakas na pagtawa ni Harrice matapos sabihin iyon nang mapadaan at huminto sa direksyon namin ni Eris.
"Dimwit, Harrie!" Eris exclaimed. Mukhang napikon.
Harrice just raised her middle finger up in mid-air. Panay naman yung pagkurot ni Elle sa tagiliran ng asawa nito. Hindi makatingin sakin ng diretso.
"Hail Peter Pan." Cariette seems not going to let the fun passed her too when she said that.
Napakunot lang lalo yung noo ko nang magkasabay pa ito at si Harrice na malanding sumigaw ng, "Calling Wendy." pagkatapos ay sabay na tumawa ng malakas. Feeling ko ay ginagaya pa nga nila yung boses ni Eris.
Even Tita Candice and Tita Hariette are both laughing too.
What the fuck are the Oliviar's doing?
"Masarap ka pala, Tris e." Kumawit pa sa braso ko si Harrice. "Tara, date kita. Wala akong sakit."
Naiinis na tinanggal ni Eris yung kamay ng pinsan nito sa braso ko. "Get lost, Harrie!" she says, half-pissed, half annoyed.
Harrice playfully runs her fingers on my arm. Bahagya akong kinilabutan doon kaya wala sa loob na pinalis ko iyon.
It's humiliating to throw up here.
"What?" nang-aasar na ngumiti pa ito at kumindat sakin. Mukhang trip talagang asarin yung pinsan nito. "I've got fifty million in my account, Tris. One night lang o! Palag na? I just want to affirm na masarap ka. Ayaw sumagot ni Eris e."
"That's not how to affirm it, Harrice. Let me do it for you."
Before I could say my piece, naunahan na ako ng pagrarambulan ng kung ano sa tyan ko nang maramdaman na may humalik sa leeg ko. I could inhale the familiar mixture scent of marshmallows and vanilla.
Kasunod niyon ay yung pamilyar na pagbaliktad ng sikmura ko.
Without thorough thinking, I run across the room, towards the front door.
Just to throw up.
Dama ko yung pagtayo ng lahat ng balahibo ko sa katawan. At kahit hindi naman ako nilalamig, pakiramdam ko ay pinagpapawisan na ako ng malapot. Patuloy pa din sa pagbaliktad yung sikmura ko.
Nanghihinang napasandal na lang ako sa poste nang matapos.
Damn Elle!
Nanginginig yung kamay na marahas kong hinaplos yung leeg ko na pakiramdam ko ay nabahiran ng napakadiring bacteria.
Damn it. It's just a playful kiss, Tris. Grow up!
"Still hadn't change?" Natatawang sabi pa ni Elle na sumunod pala sakin. Iwinagayway nito yung panyo sa harap ng mukha ko. "Get this, Tris. Freak ka pa din, I see."
I glare at her but I still find myself taking the handkerchief she's offering.
Pinunasan ko yung mukha at bibig ko. Pakiramdam ko napakabaho ko na. Bwisit!
"Fancy seeing you here, Tris." Lumingon ito sa loob ng mansyon ng mga Silva. "With Eris, hmm?"
Hindi ba ako sinundan ni Eris? She should be worrying about me right now. Sumama bigla yung pakiramdam ko dahil sa ginawa ng asawa ng pinsan nya. Tapos iiwanan nya pa ako dito na si Elle lang ang kasama?
What the fuck?
"Ano bang problema mo?" Hindi ko mapigilan ang hindi makaramdam ng matinding pagkainis dito.
"Break up with Eris." Diretsang sagot nito na sumandal sa isa sa mga post na nasa paligid ng porch. "Eris is important for my wife. If she sees that woman, hurting, she'll surely be sad. And I don't want that."
"You're still that selfish, egotistical, self-entitled, prick, I see." tumango ako.
Yeah. Elle is still undeniably gorgeous. Yung tipong lahat ng natatabihan nito biglang pumapangit sa paningin.
But no. She's no longer the same sparkling Elle, I knew.
She's just that normal Elle.
Bakit ba ako nabaliw sa babaeng ito noon?
Oo nga. Maganda ito. Saksakan ng ganda. Matalino. Matangkad. Mayaman. Nanggaling sa magandang pamilya. Yung tipo ng babae na ipapamukha sayo na masyado pang mababa yung standard ng lahat ng taong pinapangarap mo lang. Elle surely exceeds all expectations. She exceeds a human standard. She's setting a certain standard.
Pero bukod doon, masama yung ugali nito. Mabait lang ito pag may kailangan sayo. Wala lang dito ang manggamit ng iba para lang maprotektahan ito o yung mga taong mahal nito. Mahilig ito mag-utos. Laging prima donna. Gusto laging inuuna. At higit sa lahat, walang pasabi kung mang-iwan. Walang pakialam kung may masaktan.
She lacks the decency to bid a proper goodbye. Itatapon ka na lang na parang basura pag tapos na syang gamitin ka.
So why? Why had I even like her?
"C'mon, Tris. It's not your nature. Kay Eris? Hindi ba at ayaw mo sa mga gaya nya? Nakakainsulto naman kung ganoong babae lang ang ipapalit mo sakin."
Marahas na napaangat yung tingin ko dito nang marinig ko iyon. Anong karapatan nito na sabihin iyon gayung ito nga yung nang-iwan at nagpakasal pa sa iba!?
"Do you want to be my mistress?"
Maang na napaawang na lang yung mga labi ko sa naririnig. How could she say that? Dito pa sa mismong Isla na pag-aari ng pamilya ng babaeng pinakasalan nya.
"Nabagok ka ba, Elle? O napuno na ng hangin yang ulo mo? Magpakonsulta ka na." I couldn't help but to be sarcastic.
Tumawa lang ito. Gaya noon na akala mo ay sanay na sanay na magpaikot ng tao. Gaya noon, na isang salita lang nito ay sumusunod na ako. Just because I don't want to pissed her off. Noong mga panahon na takot pa akong iwanan nya.
"Tris. Tris." Elle singsongs my name. Lumapit ito sakin at saka marahang pinaraanan ng daliri yung naka-expose na balikat ko.
At kung noon ay napapalunok pa ako sa kaba at kilig dito, ngayon naman ay purong pagkainis na lang yung nararamdaman ko. At pandidiri.
Gusto ko itong itulak. Nandidiri ako na hinahawak hawakan lang ako nito.
"Don't push me on my edge, Elle. You won't going to like it." I warned.
"Hmm?" Instead of letting me go, she bit her lip. "Don't you want to know how it feels to kiss me again, Tris? You enjoyed kissing Eris better now?"
Nang akmang ilalapit nito yung bibig nito sakin ay mabilis ko itong naitulak palayo. Galit na pinasadahan ko ng daliri yung buhok ko.
"Don't you dare go near me again, Elle! You cheat on me! You cheat on me!" I shout at her.
"You're also cheating, babe. I'm just making it even." balewalang in-straight lang nito yung dress na suot nito at saka ngumiti ng matamis. "We could have a good start again, Tris. Ditch Eris and be my mistress."
"Do you hear yourself, Elle?!" Gigil na bulyaw ko na hindi makapaniwala dito. "You're married, goodness! Mahiya ka nga sa mga lumalabas sa bibig mo!"
"Oh?" Umangat yung kilay nito. "I'm just married, alright. So?"
Damn! Ganyang klase ba ng babae yung gusto ni Mama para sakin? Yung wala man lang pagpapahalaga sa mararamdaman ng iba.
Malayong malayo kay Eris! Kung si Eris iyan, tiyak na magpapaubaya na agad iyon. Ayaw noon na may naaagrabyado. Sigurado ako.
"You love me, right?" Nang-aakit na ngumiti pa ito. "I still want you as my puppet. Selfish ako, remember? I don't want to share you to Eris. So break up with her right now. Tell her that you don't want to do anything with her again. I'll keep you."
"And what about Harrice?"
"What about my wife?" Kumunot yung noo nito.
"Will you leave her too, Elle?"
Nang umiling ito at tumawa ng pagak, that was my last straw. Sumagad na talaga yung kasamaan ng babaeng 'to.
"I love Harrice, Tris. Companionship lang naman yung gusto mo, hindi ba? I can give you that. Iwan mo na si Eris bago pa malubog yung tao sayo at umasa. You don't go on breaking hearts everywhere, Tris. Not to a Silva. Lagot ka sa kanila. You're not normal like us, accept that. Stop dreaming that you'll ever be."
I don't like the notions that she's putting on my head. I'm normal. Eris is my new normal. When I'm with her, I'm becoming normal.
Mali si Elle. Mali silang lahat.
I am not a player. All those times that they were thinking that I am just a lost cause, I am just finding where I fit. I am almost screaming inside to be just like them. Just as normal as them.
I don't want to repulse someone's touch. I don't want to feel off when someone's kissing me nor trying to imprint themselves on me.
I just want to be like them too. I am as almost as desperate as everyone to belong.
Yet, lahat sila, iisa lang ng iniisip patungkol sakin. Iisa lang ng sinasabi. Iisa lang lahat ng basa sa ginagawa ko.
And it's tiring. It's so tiring to deny all those accusations. Nakakapagod na ang itama yung mga maling sinasabi nila patungkol sakin. Nakakasawa na.
"I'm sorry, Elle." I met Elle's penetrating stares.
It's enough. Ayoko na. Tama na yung pagbibigay ko sa gusto ni Mama. It's about what I want now. It's about Me, now. My turn this time.
"You like me, Tris. I'm sure of it. Besides, Eris is far from your ideals. Hindi kayo bagay." Kalmanteng komento pa ni Elle na humalukipkip lang sa harapan ko.
"I like you, probably still liking you." I nod my head. "But I've got Eris now, Elle. She's there when I need her, so I'll be here when she needs me. She chose me even if there's a lot of reasons on not to choose me. So no, even if there's a lot of choices aside from her, I'd still choose to be with her. So if you'll please excuse me. My betrothed is waiting for me."
Hinawakan ako ni Elle sa braso para patigilin ako, "Attachment is different from love, Tris."
Tinabig ko yung kamay nito. "I know. Thank goodness I can differentiate it quite well, Elle. Mine is not a fair-weather heart, unlike yours. I have crossed a great ocean of loneliness to find Eris. It was built to outlast storms of tease and seductress like you. So yeah, thank goodness that I am not in love with you. "
Nang lampasan ko si Elle ay para akong natulos sa kinatatayuan ko ng makita na nandoon lang sa may hamba ng pintuan sina Harrice at Eris.
Nakangiti lang si Harrice. Si Eris naman ay nakasimangot.
Kanina pa ba sila dyan? Narinig ba nila yung pinag-uusapan namin ni Elle kanina?
"Eris.." Natatarantang tawag ko. "I swear wala akong gin-"
"Tch." Inirapan ako nito. "Gaano katagal mo ba ko paghihintayin. Kakain na."
What? She's not mad at me?
Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa pagkagulat sa sinabi nito ay tumalikod na ito at nauna nang pumasok. Naiwan akong nakatanga kay Harrice.
"Bilisan mo sumunod. Ikaw lang yung kaisa-isang hinintay nyan. Baka iwan ka na talaga ng tuluyan pag nainip na sayo." sabi pa ni Harrice na pumunta sa direksyon ni Elle para salubungin yung asawa nito.
Ako naman ay agad na napatakbo papasok sa loob ng bahay.
I immediately saw Eris, walking slowly.
And when I finally reach her side, I unabashedly grabbed her hand and intertwined our fingers.
"Catching up." mabilis na sagot ko nang tingnan lang nito iyon. "Goodness, let me catch up."
"Make it fast." Eris shyly looks away, letting our fingers to perfectly fit, hinging together. "Make it even. I have been waiting you for so long, Tris. Been waiting."
Out of words to say, I just whisper, "Getting there, sweetheart. Getting there. Please be patient on me."
****