"Madison!" I hear Stephanie's squeak and I look back with a smile, I just left Jacob and I want to leave that classroom as soon as I can, even though I'm outside of it, Jacob could follow anytime and I don't want to see his face again, things have changed since he's been gone and I'm not ever going to forgive him because if it's taught me anything to be with Miles, it's that not everyone deserves forgiving and even though Miles thinks he should be on that list, he never will be for me; Miles will always deserve my forgiving.
"Want to grab some coffee?" she asks and I smile, "Uh, yeah," I let out a breath of relief, I want nothing more than to be with my best friend.
"Are you allowed to drink coffee . . . you know--" I nod to stop her, unnoticing I've pulled up my phone to check exactly how much coffee I can have and one caramel frappuccino is more than fine.
Stephanie flashes me a smile before we both walk away from the classroom to my relief.
We sit at the coffee shop that Miles and I used to sit at, it makes me feel odd, somehow it doesn't feel right to be here without him, but I have to get used to that if I'm ever going to tell him about the storm brewing on my side.
Stephanie orders and pays for us, and I notice that I haven't been hearing anything she's been saying, "Are you okay?" she asks softly, her eyes looking into mine and I nod, "Yeah, I'm fine . . . I just want to get home, the last thing I can think about is class." I explain and she nods.
"We could skip?" She offers but I shake my head.
"I have to catch up, I'm already behind," I tell her and her eyes sympathetically look into mine.
The coffee feels sweet on my tongue and I find that I can't stop drinking it until there's nothing but cream left. The memory of Miles follows me everywhere and I know that without him, everything will change, but it has to change.
"How are you dealing with everything? have you told him yet?" Stephanie asks and I shake my head, "not yet."
THE LIBRARY IS THANKFULLY empty and I find myself wishing I had skipped class because all I could think about what the library and how I need more hours than I can have to study and catch up.
I wish Miles were with me and I wish that I had enjoyed everything more, even though I know I did to the fullest in my own way,.
I grab all of the books I'll need and my laptop, the one that only reminds me more of Miles and then my phone which brings me back to Jacob's blue eyes.
I grab my highlighters and begin to read the first chapter and then the second, knowing I'm supposed to be on chapter seven, since apparently one chapter a week is manageable in Mr. Stafford's eyes as well as sixs other classes.
Introducing new books when the semester feels to be half over seems like a crime but none of the teachers see it and none of the students seem to fight back which has and always will be a problem.
The most difficult part isn't the chapters, or the reading or taking notes but rather trying to keep my focus on all of those things instead of on Miles which feels almost impossible.
After my second caramel frappuccino, I hear a buzz on my phone and Miles names flashes on the screen in the form of a message, I get butterflies in my stomach but they don't feel the way they did before, this time it's more of a dread.
Miles: 'I'll pick you up in an hour.'
My stomach feels like it's floating and keeping my eyes on my studying feels even more difficult.
"We have to tell him," I whisper softly as I look down at my stomach and at the cold weather outside the window far away from my table, I can only see a glimpse of the white sky but it somehow feels icy and cold, reminding me yet again how difficult this will be.
I read over another book and by the time I've even devoured the cream in this second cup of caramel frappuccino, I know that I've not only had my allowed caffeine intake for the day, but that I have no other option than to be honest with Miles because the hour is up and I'm forced to wait outside, trying to numb my feelings of dread and butterflies as I wait for the black Porsche with red interior to crunch up the gravel under the thick tires.