"You're all fit and ready for tomorrow?" Emma asked me, as I sat in her office after we had finished training. We were back from international break, and we were set to play Everton. It was going to be a home game at Kingsmeadow which is always nice.
"Yeah, I'm all good."
"I want us to communicate, yeah?" Emma started to say, "I want you to tell me if something is going on or if you don't feel 100%. We don't want to risk anything, okay?" I nodded my head in response. I was always scared to tell my coaches when something was wrong. I was scared to depend on them, scared to ask them for help. In the past I was made to believe that I wasn't a person and only a player. That all I was worth was what I gave on the pitch. Being with Emma and being at Chelsea, has made me realise differently. I am worth more than who I am when I play football. My health matters. My heart matters. My brain matters.
We were playing Everton on Saturday, and then on Sunday, Arsenal were to take on City at the Emirates. The City players came down to London a day early, and that meant Keira was able to come see me play. I always love when Keira is in the stands, even if that means we are on different teams.
Keira and Lucy came to my apartment a few hours before my game started.
"Hey," Keira shouted, as she walked into my apartment.
"You really don't knock?" Lucy said to her, shockingly.
"I'm her twin, I have a key," Keira retorted.
"I'm in the kitchen," I shouted back.
"We brought you a coffee," Keira said, handing me the cup.
"Oh my god, life saver," I said to her, taking a sip.
"How are the City girls?" I asked, sitting down on the couch. Keira and Lucy were already sitting down while I finished getting ready. I was braiding my hair on the couch while they talked to me. I normally have my hair braided when I play. I like to have two small braids running into a ponytail. It allows me to ensure that no hair will fall down my face while I play.
"They're good," Keira replied, "pretty sure some of them are coming to the game. They just want to suss out the competition." I laughed at this, smiling at the thought of some of my ex teammates in the stands.
"Who's coming?" I asked.
"Well, obviously me and Luce," Keira stated, "then, Georgia, Janine and Hayley."
"Hayley?" I repeated.
"Yeah, she's quite good friends with Janine and she wanted to see you play, I guess." I bit my lip slightly, not knowing whether I want to tell Keira (and Lucy) about what happened with Leah after the game against Norway.
"Guys, I'm in a little bit of a mess," I said to them.
"What happened?" They both ask simultaneously.
"Well, I had a thing with Leah but then broke it off cause I thought she wanted to keep it a secret, then I saw her hugging Jordan, got pretty angry, then I was rash and went to fucking Australia, got with Hayley, then came back to England, without really knowing what was happening with Hayley, then I see Leah again and she explains a lot of shit, then we get together, and now I am sorta leading on two people who I love dearly." After I finish my long rant, I take a deep breath. I looked up at Keira and Lucy who were staring at me.
"Darling," Lucy said, "you're going to need to slow down and say that all again."
I talked slower this time, and explained to both of them everything that had happened since the Euros. I told them about Jordan finding out about Leah and me, and then why I so rashly ended things with Leah. I then mentioned seeing Jordan and Leah hugging and why that led me on a 24 hour plane trip to Australia. I told them about Hayley and me, and how we spent three weeks together and ended up rekindling something we both never thought we would. I had to conclude this all with what most recently had happened. The Norway game. Leah and I sitting in the locker room and talking it out, only for it to end up with us kissing and me telling her that I wanted to keep it all on the down low.
"Shit," Keira said, "that's a big, old mess."
"Tell me about it," I said.
"What are you going to do?" Keira then asked.
"I don't know. I kinda hoped you two would have something profound to say to help me realise what the fuck I am actually doing with my life right now."
"Ok," Lucy said, cutting into the conversation Keira and I were having, "let's take it slow. First, you can't commit to anything yet. You need to work out what you want. We can't let this turn into a bigger mess than it already is." I love Lucy, as she always has a plan. That's what makes her a good person to take the pitch with - you can always rely on her to know what to do.
"I don't know what I want though," I said to both of them.
"Well, maybe that's where we need to start," Lucy said.
I soon left my apartment as I had to get to the game earlier than they did. I let them chill at my place until they had to go. I gave Keira the keys to my car so she could drive Lucy and her there, and called Sam and asked her for a lift.
When Sam arrived, I got into the car.
"Hey," I said to her, popping my bag in the back seat.
"Ready for the game?" She asked.
"My brain is so cluttered that I am just excited to play. How was Indi? You saw her last night, right?"
"Yeah, Kristie and I went over to see her. Her Mum and brother came over from Australia too. They are all in shock. Hazza was so young."
"Hazza?" I asked.
"Oh, sorry, that's Indi's Dad's name. Hazza." I nodded my head, understanding, and continuing my thought.
"That must be so hard for Indi. I can't believe she never got to say goodbye to him."
"She hadn't seen him since the World Cup in 2019! Both Kristie and I don't even really know what to do," Sam explained.
"Just being there for her is all one can do at this point."
When Sam and I arrived at the ground, we pushed all the sad thoughts to the back of our minds and were ready to play. While I was in the changing room, I got a message from Leah.
Leah: Hey, Katie, Beth, Kristie and I thought we might come to the game. Got the day off and thought no better opportunity to see the competition.
Ettie: Okay! Guess I'll see you in the stands :)
I shut my phone off, and paid my undivided attention to Emma and Magda as they talked to us in the changing room. I loved the amount of care Emma puts into every single game. She showed me what a true coach is like - they have a desire and will to win but they have an unfaltering love for the sport and for the players. She's what I would've wanted when I was at Manchester. She's what I needed but definitely not what I got.
After an hour of preparation, we lined up to head out. I normally like to walk at the end, along with Sam. Sam and I normally stand as the last people in the line, chuckling and laughing together. I was able to spot both Keira and Lucy in the stands, as I already knew what they were both wearing, and when I looked beside them, I saw Georgia, Janine and Hayley. She was smiling and laughing, and something in my chest clicked when I saw her.
I scanned my head to the other side and saw the Arsenal girls sitting at the other end of the pitch. Kristie, Leah, Beth and Katie were at the back of the stand, watching the game.
"Got a spectator, I see," I whispered into Sam's ear.
"She brought her little gang with her too," Sam laughed back. "Indi wanted to come but she's spending time with her family at the moment," Sam then added, explaining the absence of her best friend from the stands.
"Yeah, that does make sense."
The game against Everton went well. I was playing as a defensive midfielder, which I've grown to enjoy. This position has always felt like it's been in my blood. Keira is a defensive midfielder and so it doesn't feel out of the ordinary, even though I've never played it.
We won the game 3-0, with two goals from Sam and a goal from Fran. I assisted both of Sam's goals, which is something I never would've been able to do if I was still playing as the center back.
"Great goals," I said to Sam, after the match.
"Great assists," she replied back, smiling, "I'm going to go over." She walked over to Kristie who came down closer to the pitch. Sam hugged her girlfriend, and a smile printed on her face. It's so settling to see someone like Sam find happiness. It only gives me hope that I can too. I can settle my heart and find the person I will have my forever with.
My feet stay grounded in the middle of the pitch, not knowing whether to go right and see Leah, Kristie and Sam or go left and see Keira, Lucy, Georgia and Hayley. Is this the start of my crossroads? Is this the time in my life where I first need to choose?
"You alright?" Millie asked me, coming over and giving me a side hug.
"Yeah," I replied, "just thinking."
"What are we doing standing in the middle of the pitch?" Erin said, putting one arm around Millie and the other around me.
"Don't know, ask the Ettles."
"You two never let a girl think!" I said, laughing.
They both soon left me, and when I looked over to Keira, she had a confused expression on her face. I ran over to her, and gave my twin a hug.
"You alright?" She asked me. I replied with a nod and smile. "Here are your keys," Keira added in, "Leah and I are going for Dinner after and we'll just get the tube." She handed my keys just before Georgia embraced me in a hug.
"You played great," Georgia said, smiling.
"Hey," Keira said, "she learnt from the best! Didn't know you were now playing the DM?"
"Yeah, it's only been recent but I feel like I know the position inside out because of you!"
"You are most welcome!" Keira replied back, laughing.
A photographer was walking past, and Keira and I asked for him to grab a photo of me and her. Keira smiled over my shoulder as the photographer snapped a picture of us two.
"That'll look cute on our parents' wall of photos," Keira said, laughing.
I looked down and saw Hayley standing on the other side of Janine. I knew I couldn't avoid her. I didn't want to. Of course I didn't. But at the same time, I didn't know how else to cope. I pushed these feelings aside, and went to hug her.
"Great game," she said to me, smiling.
"We probably should talk," I whispered into her ear.
"Is everything okay?" she asked, and I could only nod.
"Yeah, it's all fine. It's just time I be honest with you." She looked concerned but I knew I had to go. I waved her and the others goodbye, and went over to Sam, who was still with the Arsenal girls.
"Great game," Beth said to me. Beth and I know each other from England camps, and we are quite friendly.
"Thanks Beffy," I replied to her, giving her a short hug.
"You had a couple cute assists," Leah said, giving me a hug also. Her arms wrapped around my waist as mine went around her neck. It was intimate but not obvious. I squeezed her a little tighter before letting go.
"Heard you're going out with my sister," I said to Leah, laughing.
"She invited me on a date," Leah replied, teasing me.
"Oh," Sam started to say, "Ett, this is Kristie, I don't think you two have ever properly met."
"I don't think we have," I said, "great to meet you Kristie. I've been on the receiving end of multiple Sam Kerr gloat sessions about you so I'm glad to be putting a face to a name."
"Really Etts! Gotta make this an "embarrass Sam session"?"
"Well, I try, whenever I can," I replied, smiling.
"You still going to come to the game tomorrow?" Leah asked me, as I walked out of Kingsmeadow beside her. She had waited alongside Kristie for me and Sam to get changed after the match. I didn't ask her to but she did anyway. She wasn't set to meet Keira until a little later.
"Yeah, I wouldn't miss it," I replied back.
"I think someone is waiting for you," Leah said, gesturing behind me. I turned around and saw Hayley waiting at the entrance to the car park.
"Shit, I told her that we needed to talk," I said to Leah.
"What are you going to do?" Leah asked me, her voice softening slightly.
"Not sure," I replied, honestly, "Hayley and I are complicated just like how you and I are complicated, Lee. Please, be patient with me."
"Okay," Leah said, "I'll wait for you. I'll always wait for you." She gave me a slight hug, before walking away.
"Hi," Hayley said, slightly awkwardly, as I walked up to her.
"Hi," I replied back, sighing softly. "Need a lift?" I asked her, and she nodded. We got into my car, and drove. I took her back to the hotel that she and the City girls were staying in. We drove in a slight silence, with only the radio playing in the background. As we pulled up to her hotel, I turned the car off and looked at her.
"Hayley, I can't keep any more secrets. I'm over the secrets. They fill my brain and I can't think properly."
"Okay," she said.
"I need to tell you some things."
"Okay," she said again.
"When I came to Australia, I was hurting. I'd just broken something off with someone I cared about and I was mad. I was really mad. I felt like the universe was against me again and so I wanted to hurt them too. I thought if I came to Australia, the person who hurt me would possibly hurt too."
"Ettie-" Hayley started to say, but I didn't let her.
"No, I need to finish. When I came back, the person explained a lot and I realised I was rash and stupid, but when I was with you, in Australia, I felt the happiest I had been for a while. You make me happy, Hayley. You make me feel alive in a world that has often made me feel dead inside. You bring something out of me that not many people can." As I said this, I realised the only other person that brings out the spark that Hayley can, is Leah.
"I don't know what to say," Hayley soon added.
"I went to Australia with the wrong intentions, and I'm sorry. Really sorry and now, I'm confused. I'm not sure what I want."
"You mean "who"."
"What?"
"You aren't sure "who" you want - me or this other person." I turned to look ahead.
"When it's phrased like that, I sound pretty shit."
"Do I know them?" Hayley asked. Now, this was the moment. Do I tell her? Do I tell Hayley that the other person is Leah? Do I stop lying?
"I think you may know them," I said.
"Well..." Hayley said, gesturing to want to know.
"It's Leah, Leah Williamson." Hayley chuckled slightly, leaning forward in the car.
"Should've seen that coming," Hayley said, softly.
"What do you mean?"
"Not sure," she answered, "but somehow, that doesn't feel like a surprise." We sat in silence again, the car static against the parking spot.
"I'm sorry," I said to Hayley, "I just don't know what to do."
"Ettie, you know how I feel. In the end, this is something you need to work out. But, if you have to think about it, I'm not sure I want to be waiting for you when you finally decide." With that, Hayley unbuckled her seatbelt, and left the car. I knew how she felt. I felt the same way with Leah, with Jordan. I didn't want to feel like the second option. I can't blame Hayley for that.
When I drove home, my heart didn't sink as low as I thought it might. It didn't drop or fall. It sat perfectly still in my chest, and somehow, that gave me the closure I wanted.
I soon posted the picture of me and Keira on my instagram account.
Ettiewalsh7: POV: your twin comes to your football matches and only points out everything you did wrong :(
Keirawalsh: DO NOT LIE MISS NUGGET! Im the best twin!
Ettiewalsh7: @keirawalsh #SORRYNOTSORRY
The next day, I went to watch the Arsenal game at The Emirates. I took Sam with me, for some company.
"Is Indi going to play?" I asked Sam as she drove us to the stadium.
"Yeah, she's adamant to play. She doesn't want to appear, and I quote her, 'broken'."
"It might be good. Playing and being on the pitch really helps me feel better. When my brain is buzzing with stupid thoughts, the one thing I want to do is play a game of football."
"I just hope she can handle it," Sam said.
"Handle what?"
"The pressure. She's going viral every week it seems like. She can't catch a break. She's the biggest name in the football world at the moment, and it's hard. She has so many eyes on her. I just don't want her to snap."
"She won't," I said, reassuringly, "she has you, and her family, and Kristie."
"But not Jill," Sam then pointed out.
"I still can't believe they broke up," I said.
"Neither," Sam said, "and if you knew why, you would understand why I feel scared she's going to break." I pondered this thought, not wanting to question it.
We arrived at the stadium just in time to see the girls lining up. The red against the blue - light blue. Leah lined up for Arsenal, alongside Indi and Kristie and the others. Keira, on the other hand, lined up for City, alongside Lucy, Hayley and the others. It was going to be a good match, and a lot of that depended on whether Indi was mentally prepared. When Indi is on fire, Arsenal have a hard time losing.
When the first whistle blew, both teams came out firing. Indi made some goal saving tackles, and on the other end, Ellie made some impressive saves. I could feel the heat from the game in the stands, especially from hayley. She's always an aggressive player, but she came out with a bang. She was bodying up her opponents, stealing the ball from underneath them. Soon, the City attack started to get sloppy. The balls were being fed perfectly, from Keira and Hayley, but the forwards weren't able to convert, due to the immense pressure from Indi and Leah. Indi made some impressive clearances from the six yard box, and saved yet another goal - she was on fire.
Indi was able to assist Viv in the first goal of the game. Indi passed it through two defenders, to deliver the ball on a platter for Viv right in front of the goal. She slotted it easily past Ellie to bring Arsenal up by one. I didn't know whether to cheer for Arsenal or City, so I stayed neutral, hoping for a good game.
When the whistle sounded again, the City girls were angry. I saw Hayley's eyes light up when she saw an opportunity to intercept the ball. She ran over to the right wing, and tried to take the ball from underneath an Arsenal player's foot - it was Leah's foot. Hayley missed the ball however, and caught Leah's feet. Leah fell, and landed on the ground, her back against the grass. I gasped slightly, watching Hayley tackle Leah was not something I expected. The Referee blew the whistle and awarded Arsenal a free kick. Hayley contested it, obviously trying to explain that she had got some of the ball, when it was clear she hadn't. Leah was still on the ground, looking up at Hayley, when Kristie and Indi came over to help her up. Hayley was getting angry, I could tell. I couldn't work out what she was saying, but Indi was trying to calm Hayley down, before she got carded. But it was too late, Hayley was shown a yellow, before the play started to continue.
By half time, Arsenal were leading by one.
"There was a little spice in that half," Sam said to me, as we sat during the break.
"A little?" I responded, laughing.
"Hayley's always aggressive but something seems to really have got her blood boiling today." I laugh slightly to myself, knowing exactly what got her extra passionate in this game.
When the game recommenced, I could tell Arsenal were looking more fresh than City. An Arsenal corner kick from Katie ended up on Indi's head in the middle of the second half, and bounced into the goal. They were up by 2. Indi stood very still, and looked up to the sky, saying something no one in the stands could work out. Kristie soon went running over to her, and Indi wrapped her legs around her best friend, and the other girls rallied beside her. It was an emotional thing to watch, and the entire stadium was clapping and cheering. All of the Arsenal fan base love their Australian recruit, and everyone could feel the support their beloved center back was getting.
The game ended with Arsenal beating City by two goals. I was disappointed for City not to get a goal on the board, but playing Arsenal at the Emirates is always a tough gig. I went down to greet Keira after the game. I saw Leah and Keira hugging tightly on the pitch, as, despite everything that has happened over the past few months and years, they still are each other's best friend.
"You guys played great," I said to them both.
"Yeah, congrats on the win, by the way," Keira said, smoothly.
"Yeah well, we needed it! You hadn't dropped many points this season," Leah said to Keira. City, Arsenal and Chelsea were all in the running for the title again this season, with Arsenal now sitting three points clear of City and levelled with us.
"That girl was a menace," Keira said, pointing to Indi who was having an interview.
"That's her sixth player of the match award this season," Leah said.
"Is anyone surprised?" I joked.
Keira left us to go talk to Lucy, and Leah smiled, awkwardly, at me.
"I'm going to take a wild guess that you told Hayley about us last night," Leah said. She had brought me onto the pitch, and we sat on the edge of the field while she took off her shoes.
"Why do you think that?"
"That tackle, she made against me, was more than just a tackle to get the ball."
"What was being said out there?" I asked Leah, "I can't exactly lip read from so far away."
"Oh, it was quite something," Leah replied, "I basically said "is that really necessary?" and then the referee told Hayley to calm down and Hayley defended her tackle, telling the ref it wasn't a free kick, and then Indi came over to try and calm Hayley down slightly, and then Hayley wasn't having a bar of it, and she got carded."
"Damn."
"Yeah, was she angry last night?"
"Um," I started to say, "I guess. Not angry, but probably just hurt."
"What does that mean for us?" Leah asked me, looking me in the eyes.
"You really are a keen bean, aren't you?" I joked with her.
"Yeah well, I think we've both been waiting long enough."
Before I could answer Leah, Indi came over.
"Hey, Ett," she said to me. I quickly stood up and embraced her in a hug.
"Oh my god, Inds, how are you? I've missed you."
"I've missed you too," she replied. Now that I see her close up, she doesn't look great. She has dark shadows under her eyes and her normally tamed hair, looks knotted under her ponytail. "I just thought I'd come over and say hi before I leave with my brother and mum," she said, pointing towards the stands where her brother and mum were sitting.
"We'll catch up soon, yeah?" I asked her.
"Of course," she replied.
When I turned back around, Leah had gone over to Kristie. She saw me and gave me a slight wave, going back into their changing room. I sighed, but not before Sam put her arm around me.
"Want me to take you home?" She asked, and I nodded.
Sam dropped me back at my apartment and when I opened my door, and sat on my couch, my heart finally breathed. I felt like I had been holding my breath all day, waiting for something to turn. For something bad to happen. Everything was okay. Or, was it?
Note:
- hey guys, hope you like another long chapter. these take me so long to write, its literally crazy, cause i overthink and end up writing a lot of things i end up deleting lol, but i hope u enjoyed
- let me know your thoughts/predictions - i love reading them <3