When I came home, I couldn't stop thinking about Joe and Niko. These two boys somehow managed to captivate my mind all the way home, But as I sat on my small couch and cuddled up to my cozy blanket, it was only one man who I could think of: Niko. In these few weeks since we had gotten to know each other, we spent so much time just lying on one's bed, sofa or floor, surrounded by blankets and cuddling with each other, just like I did now – with the small difference that I was alone now. But not only alone, also lonely. Again I was lonely, only because I missed this man so much. I missed him so freaking much, I missed feeling him close to me, I missed his gentle touches, how he so gently caressed my body, I even missed his scent so much! I would do almost everything, if only I could hug this person now.
In just a few weeks he had turned to my comfort space, my safe space. He was the only person where I could really be the person I was or wanted to be! Without him, I probably wouldn't have tried painting my nails because I would have been too afraid of other people's opinions on that. As I thought back to that, I looked at my nails which still had a thin layer of black nail polish on top. Apparently Niko's polish was of a good quality, otherwise it probably wouldn't look that good anymore. But that was what it did: It looked good. Not only the polish itself but also the color on my nails. I liked the way, I looked with them, I truly loved that style. „Thank you, Niko. Thank you for helping me becoming the person I want to be", I whispered even though he obviously couldn't hear me.
Before I eventually almost started crying out of self pity, I decided to make some tea and take a good book to read. Probably I should rather study for university and rework my last lectures but I knew I couldn't concentrate on that anyway. That's why figured, reading a book I had already read a few times again, was the better option. Doing this, it wouldn't be a big problem when my thoughts wandered back to Niko because I knew the content almost by heart. A few seconds later, I stood in front of my bookshelf, trying to decide on a book to reread.
It didn't take me long time to decide on „The last leaves falling", I had already read this book at least four times, even in different languages and it was never boring. Even though the book was incredibly sad and heartbreaking, it told so much about real friendship. Back in high school, I even wrote in essay of four pages about it when we had to write at least two pages about any book or movie we liked. To me, this book was one of the most emotional but also one of the most beautiful and most meaningful ones I had ever read.
I hadn't started reading the first chapter yet as my phone made a sound to notify me about a new message. Hoping it was a message from Niko, I quickly grabbed it and typed in my code. Unfortunately, the message I had gotten was not written by Niko but to my surprise by Joe. „Hi Sofia, what are you currently doing?", he texted and after the „doing", there was an emoji that should probably represent a hug. What should I answer now?, I wondered, I can't tell him I'm lying on my sofa trying not to cry because I miss the man I love so fucking much. That's why I decided to answer „Reading, what about you? Spending time with your girlfriend?" even though I hadn't started reading yet.
As soon as I had sent the message, I regretted it. I was afraid my last question sounded it jealous or what ever, but I was just honestly interested. His message has actually confused me because a) why would he write me now? b) he told me he'd spend time with his girlfriend and when you're with your girlfriend, you don't text other girls, do you? Since Joe was still online, he immediately answered. „Reading? Sounds boring", Joe wrote and as a response to my questions, he added „I'm watching Netflix. Ilma (my gf) had an appointment. If you don't have something better to do, wanna go for a walk with me? Some relaxation after a busy uni day can only help, can't it?"
And again, he added emojis to his message. I couldn't remember another man who added this many emojis to his messages. I always thought only kids do that, but not grown up men, especially not those who look like a beast like a Joe did. But he was right, going for a walk always helped me to calm down and forget my worries for a moment. Maybe it could help now, too? At least I hoped so because I definitely needed some kind of distraction. I couldn't lay here almost crying only because I missed this man so much!
But before I agreed, I had to check if Niko had time to call because if that was the case, I'd definitely preferred that. Unfortunately, his Instagram story told me he didn't have time. According to his story, he and Joel would be interviewed on Radio Suomi Rock about five minutes later so there was definitely chance to call him soon. And if he had time for a call this evening, I'd be home again. Thus, I decided to agree on going for a walk with Joe. If it was okay for his girlfriend, we could at least become good friends, couldn't we?
As soon as I had told Joe I'd go outside with him, I received a message saying „Great, I'll come over. Where do you live?" I quickly send him my address before I turned my mobile phone off. Since I thought about going for a walk through the Keskuspuisto, Helsinki's central park, I figured I should change my clothes to something older that could get dirty and where it wouldn't be a too big deal if I wouldn't be able to fully clean it again. I cold only get dressed and put a bottle of water and my phone in my backpack as my doorbell already rang.
„Wow, you were fast", with these words I greeted Joe who stood in front of my door, a backpack in his hands and a smile on his face. Before Joe answered, he opened his arms and pulled me in a hug. After a second, I finally reacted it wrapped my arms around him, too. Hugging him feels different to hugging Niko. Even though Niko hugs me really tightly, I can definitely feel that Joe is stronger. I feel like a weak kid in his arms.. „Yeah, I noticed only a few hundred meters separate your apartment from mine. That's cool, isn't it?", Joe then said. I nodded as an answer. „I'm almost ready but if you want to, you can come in. Do you want to drink something? A coffee, or just some water?" „No, I drank something before I left my apartment, but thanks for the offer", he refused as he entered my apartment. „Okay, I'll just quickly put on my shoes and then I'm ready to go."
About twenty minutes later, we arrived at the park which seemed to be even more crowded than I had it expected to be. „I already noticed your black nail polish when we first met but now that I see it again.. Does the black have any meaning? Maybe this is just a cliché, but I always think of this emo type of guy or rock and metal heads when I see black nail polish, especially when men wear it. Do you wear it because of that reason or is it just because you like nail polish and try different colors?", with this question, Joe caught me a little off guard.
What should I say now? I wasn't even sure myself why exactly I wore it, probably because I liked the way it looked but I can't that the music I listen to and the company of the Blind Channel boys had an impact on that, too. But I can't tell him about that, can I? He somehow seems to be trustworthy but I don't really know him yet, so I shouldn't open up to him, right? Oh Joe, why did you notice and ask this?, I thought and couldn't decide on what to answer. Apparently Joe noticed that I was hesitating because he, before I could eventually answer, added: „If this is too intimate for you, you of course don't have to answer! It was just something I noticed and caught my interest", the man walking next to me explained.
„No, it's okay", I reassured but before I answered his initial question, I thought for another second how much I wanted to reveal about myself. „Well, I think I just like the style I guess. This is my first time ever to wear my nails like this but I think I kinda like it. But I'm not an emo or a metalhead", I explained and in my opinion, I managed to find a good answer that was not a lie – I truly didn't consider myself a metalhead nor an emo – but it also didn't give too much information about me. At least until Joe asked another question. „So, you don't listen to rock or metal?"
Perfect, I thought, now you can't smoothly escape answering this question. Saying I don't listen to that kind of music would definitely be a lie but was admitting that I liked this music a good option? After arguing with myself for a few seconds, I decided not to lie. I didn't want to start a friendship with a lie. Also, I wanted to be more confident about myself and telling Joe, who truly seemed to be trustworthy, was a first step, wasn't it?
„Well, actually I do like this kind of music. Not necessarily death metal but I like rock and metal in general", I quietly admitted. „Really? Wow, I've never known a girl that listens to such music. But that's cool. Why are you so shy about that? There's no reason to be ashamed about your taste in music", Joe asked another question. What was it that this man always managed to ask the things I didn't want to talk about? If he'd continue like this, he'd after this afternoon know me better than I myself did! How did he always manage to hit my sore spot with his questions?!
Again, I found myself wondering whether I should tell this man I had gotten to know just a few days ago the truth or not. In my mind, I thought about all the pros and cons but I didn't decide on anything when my thoughts were suddenly interrupted by an unfortunately familiar voice. „Oh, look who's walking over there", the female voice said just loudly enough so that I could understand what she said. I was sure she wanted me to hear it and after her next words, there was no doubt in the fact that she was definitely talking to me or at least about me.
Yeah, guys, it's true, I'll upload more frequently again! And there are even better news, our boys will be on tour in the US in spring 2022! I'm so happy for all of you guys who live in the US and now hopefully have a chance to see them live!
But now let's talk about this chapter... I truly recommend reading „The last leaves falling" by Robin/Sarah Benwell (I don't know why but you find different information on the author depending on the source). It's one of my all time favorites because it's so sad but truly tells a lot about friendship. I love this book so much and even after reading I kept thinking about for weeks or even months because it touched me. I think it even changed my view on life. If you can deal with such books, I definitely recommend you to read it! However, make sure you can read it and it doesn't trigger you in any way because there are definitely triggers included.
Talking about the person interrupting Joe and Sofia... Have you any idea who's voice it is? And what do you think will happen next? Let me tell you, next chapter is gonna be intense. Many different feelings in just one chapter...