A lot of people questioned why I left City when I did. My sister, my parents, my teammates. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I had already been through so much and it was time for the change no one knew I needed. Leaving was probably the easiest decision I had ever made, now that I look back on it. At the time, I thought I was deciding between myself or my family, but I've now realised I was deciding between support or neglect. Encouragement or exploitation.
I talked to Sarina and Leah a few days after we went into camp. I was cleared to play, and thankfully my heart hadn't been acting up. Sarina was worried, as she likes to think of me as one of her most consistent players.
"So, you have a year?" Sarina asked, her Dutch accent peaking through.
"I have a year to prove to my doctors that I can manage everything," I replied.
"A year's a long time," Leah said, trying to be hopeful, "a lot can happen in a year." I nodded, knowing she was just trying to comfort me. I was sitting beside Leah, on the couch, across from Sarina. There was a perfect amount of space between us for me to reach over and grab her hand, but I didn't. I couldn't.
"So, I can play you this weekend, right?" Sarina asked.
"Yeah, I'm all good." Sarina smiled in relief, and so too did Leah.
When Leah and I exited the room, she held me back just outside the door.
"Thank you for being open with us, Ett," Leah said, looking at me sympathetically.
"Well, there's no point hiding it when most people know."
"I know," Leah replied, "but still." I was about to walk off, when I knew I wanted to say something else.
"Sometimes, Lee, secrets aren't worth it. Sometimes the truth can actually be the best form of healing. I've learnt that the hard way." With that, I left.
We played Norway first. Our games at Wembley normally attract large crowds, and now that we are starting to prepare for the World Cup, we needed all the home support we could get.
"Okay," Sarina said in the change room, "this will be a tough game. Norway is growing, and is very good. But I want everyone to push forward. We cannot get complacent in attack. Okay, Ellie in goals. I want Lucy and Juliette at right back and left back, and Millie and Alex as the center backs. Can I also have Leah, Keira and Georgia in the middle, and Fran, Ellen and Beth at the top."
When I looked over to Leah, I saw her looking back. I'm not sure why I looked at her. But, when our eyes locked, something clicked within me. Something happened. Something sparked.
I tried to let it go, but it was hard. Maybe, it wasn't all supposed to end.
Just as I was about to walk out, I checked my phone, to see a headline that made my heart drop.
India Harrison in Australia after the Death of Father and Sporting Legend, John Harrison, and set to miss Matildas big clash against Germany
I knew this would affect the whole Australian team - Sam, Hayley, and most importantly, Indi. I sent Indi a message.
Ettie: Inds, I'm so sorry about your dad. Please let me know if there is anything you need. I'm always here.
Indi: thanks etts. Currently in aus with the fam but will catch up and see you once back in london xx
"Ett, we're about to go out," Leah said to me, coming over. I quickly opened my messages to Hayley, trying to type before I really did have to go.
Ettie: heard about Indi, hoping the best for your game. Good luck.
Before I could close my phone off, Leah was over beside me. I knew she saw it was Hayley I was messaging.
"Ettie, we got to go," Leah said, more strictly this time. Sometimes, I do forget that she is my captain. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she does have a weird authority over me.
"I know, I'm coming," I said, putting my phone in my bag, and half walking and half running out the door and onto the pitch.
When Leah and I emerged from the tunnel, the whole crowd erupted. Both Leah and I are the most high profiled English players at the moment. I laughed slightly when I saw the seas of red and white.
"Is this everything you imagined?" Leah said to me.
"Everything but more," I replied back. She stared at me, locking eyes, before she went to the front of the line, and I slid in at the other end, beside Millie.
The game was a tightly contested one, with both teams having equal possession. In the first half, we pushed forward, with all our attacking players playing a high press. We were able to secure the ball a lot, but that only resulted in our defence being less protected. It was therefore an even match. We got the first score, with Fran hitting a goal from inside the six yard box. I crossed the ball from the left wing and delivered it on a platter to Fran's head. It was a perfect cross and a perfect header.
At the start of the second half, the Norwegian team did retaliate. A Guro cross was netted in by a Maren header. Being my Chelsea team mates meant that I was happy they both were playing well, but annoyed they scored against us. It only meant I had more fire to help England get another goal.
We were going into the 80th minute, with the score still being levelled. I was hungry. We all were. I was dribbling the ball down on the left wing, as I had an opened corridor. I saw a hole form in the middle of the pitch. I quickly gestured for Leah to fill the hole, and as she ran into it, I passed the ball. As she received it, she didn't waste any time. She smacked the ball hard, from outside the box, and smashed it past the Norwegian keeper. I ran up to Leah, so elated that we had scored and that we were ahead. I jumped on her, hugging her. My legs wrapped around her waist, while the other girls came over to us. Leah was holding me up, as our team mates surrounded us. The crowd was going wild, screaming and cheering, happy that we were now in the lead once again.
We soon set up for the kick off, and we were able to hold on till the final whistle went. Even though it was only a friendly, it was a good competition for us to have before the World Cup. All the matches we play until then matter. All the matches I play until then matter, because they may be my last.
We went around the pitch, after the match, and signed a lot of merchandise for all our fans. I was called to do an interview, post match.
"Congratulations, Juliette, on player of the match," the interviewer said. I had no idea I got player of the match, so a shocked expression was soon printed on my face.
"Wow, that's a surprise," I said, laughing.
"You played extraordinary. You racked up two assists, and some crucial tackles throughout the game. How did it feel being out there tonight?"
"Yeah it was a great atmosphere out there. We really felt the crowd behind us, and it was amazing having that home support. Norway is a great team and we knew we needed to come out firing in order to scrape the win."
"You've been out playing the last few weeks, how did it feel tonight, for you?"
"Yeah, I have been out the last few weeks, obviously managing my heart condition and everything else that comes with the territory, but I knew I wanted to be out there and play my best."
"From the looks of it, that second goal could be the Lionesses' goal of the year. How did you communicate with Leah Williamson on that goal?" As the interviewer asked this, I tried to remember what happened. I signalled Leah to fill the hole, but how did I do that? How did she know where the hole was? How did that all happen?
"Yeah, I've been playing with Leah since we were young teenagers, and I guess over time you build a certain connection with your teammates, so while I was running down the wing, I knew someone needed to fill the hole and I think Leah knew my plan and knew what I was hoping for, and she was able to fill that hole and slot the goal in."
"Well, it was an amazing goal and great match. Congratulations, Juliette Walsh."
"Thank you."
We head back into the change room, all of us on a high after the amazing win we had.
"That felt good," Keira said to me as we sat down in the changing room.
"Always feels good to have a solid win like that," I replied.
"I saw you and Leah," Keira said softly, not wanting anyone to overhear us.
"Saw us do what?" I asked.
"She's not over you, I know that," Keira said, "and, although you may hate to admit it, I don't think you're entirely over her either."
"Keira-" I started to say, before she interrupted me.
"Ett, just don't forget that people make mistakes, and possibly the biggest mistake you will make is not to show forgiveness. You showed it to me, so why not her?" I looked at my twin, knowing what she meant. When I first told her about Leah, she said some things that hurt me. It hurt my core. She reminded me of things that had happened that I never wanted to remember, but I still forgave her. Keira's my everything. My person. I was lost without her.
I'm normally one of the last to leave the changing room. Not only am I really slow at showering and getting changed, I often get distracted. I sat at my locker, brushing my hair and nearly ready to leave, when my phone buzzed. It's Hayley.
Hayley: yeah, it was rough. Everyone was so upset for her. Didn't really know what to do. We pushed through, by Sam of course. Little hat trick hero. But, without inds in defence, we struggled. How did you guys go?
I forgot that I had messaged her before the start of the game. A lot had happened between the time I sent that message and now. If Hayley ever watched the highlights of my game, she'd see me jumping on Leah and celebrating. As I sat there, and pondered, I realised Hayley never knew about Leah. She knew I had been with someone, as I told her in the cafe in Manchester when we first reconnected, but I had never told her who. She never knew.
Ettie: yeah we won, thankfully. Feels good to have a win.
I replied with a slightly dry message, but she wouldn't notice. I put my phone down, and when I heard it buzz again, I didn't pick it up. I left it, knowing that I didn't want to answer.
"Is that Hayley?" A voice said behind me, as someone came into the locker room. I thought I was the only one left, but a person had walked in. When I turned around, it was someone I should always expect, but didn't.
Leah stood there, her freshly washed hair laying across her shoulders.
"Does that matter?" I replied, coldly, turning back to my locker. I secretly pinched myself, not knowing why I replied with such a rude tone. "Sorry," I said, "that was rude of me and yeah, it probably was but have you heard about Indi?" I asked Leah.
"No, what happened?" Leah asked, concerned. She walked over and sat in the locker beside mine.
"Her Dad passed away. She's gone back to Australia and missed her game against Germany. That's why I was messaging Hayley."
"Ettie, you don't need to explain yourself to me," Leah said.
"But I feel like I do," I replied back. We sat there in silence for a little while, trying to figure out what to say next. As I felt her mouth begin to open, I cut in.
"Keira said something to me, after the game," I started to say, "she said "people make mistakes" and if I could show her forgiveness, why couldn't I show you." I looked away, and slightly shook my head.
"Ett-" Leah started to say.
"I keep asking myself the same thing, why can't I just forgive and forget again. I've done it so many times before, what does one extra time mean, anyways?"
"Ettie, you don't deserve any of this. You're right, and you've always been right. I was stupid, and reckless, and selfish, and I can't honestly expect you to act any differently than how you are acting." I looked forward, not wanting to make eye contact because if I did, I'm not sure how I'd feel.
"What does Jordan know?" I asked her.
"What?" Leah asked, confused why I brought her up.
"What'd you tell her?" I then turned my eyes to her, and she then started looking forward. It's as if we both knew if we locked eyes, our hearts wouldn't be able to take it.
"I told her the truth," Leah started to say, "I told her that I loved you, and that we had been together for a while, but I was scared I was about to lose you. She told me to not give up on someone I loved and that I shouldn't be scared of what would happen. She hugged me, and then left." She wouldn't look at me, even though I couldn't stop looking at her.
"Leah-" I started to say, before she started to speak.
"I was about to go over to your apartment, the day after the final, to tell you I was ready. I was ready for it to no longer be our secret, but then I saw you went off to Australia, and didn't tell me. It's not your fault, it was mine. I was stupid to believe that I was worth something after everything I put you through." When she said this, my heart broke. It broke into a million pieces hearing she thought she wasn't worth anything.
"Leah," I said to her, moving to sit in front of her, my hands on her legs, and my body at her feet, "you are worth more than you'll ever know. I was stupid. I was stupid to think so rashly, and not to hear what you had to say. I'm sorry too, really sorry." I wrapped my arms around her neck, not knowing what any of it meant, but knowing I couldn't stay mad at her forever.
When I pulled away from the hug, I was still sitting at her feet. She looked me in the eyes, her beautiful face looking into mine. She put her hand on my cheek and brought me closer towards her. She rested her forehead on mine, and at this moment, all I thought of was Leah. My Leah. She was ready. Ready for everything, but was I?
I felt her lips slightly brush mine, so softly I couldn't even feel if they were there. Our breathing was so heavy, and I could sense my heart rise and fall with every gasp of air. She soon pressed her lips onto mine, and in that second, I felt nothing but pure and utter bliss.
I wrapped my arms around her neck, and lifted myself up. I sat on her lap, as our lips were against each other's. Her hands were now drawing lines up and down my back, gripping me closer to her.
"Wow," I said, as I broke away from her.
"Yeah," she repeated. I got off her lap, and sat back on the floor, continuing the jobs I was doing before she came in. I needed to finish brushing my hair and tie my laces.
"You have always been the slowest to get ready," Leah said, jokingly.
"Yeah, well, I like to take my time." She came from behind and wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek cutely.
"This is going to make me take longer," I said to Leah, "if you keep distracting me."
"Sorry, sorry," she said, laughing. Leah then moved to sit beside me on the floor. We laughed and talked as I finished brushing my still wet hair.
"Leah," I started to say, as we stood up and were about to head out.
"Yeah?"
"I know I said I didn't want this to be a secret, but can we hold off? Just for a little while. There are some things I need to work out."
"Yeah, sure, anything you need." As she said this, her face slightly dropped. I knew she was ready, but I wasn't. I hadn't worked anything out. I still had to take into consideration Hayley. My Hayley. I couldn't do that to her, just like I couldn't do that to Leah either.
"Who are you rooming with?" I asked her, as we walked down the hallway to our respective rooms.
"Keira," she replied back.
"Right, good ol' Kie." She laughed at this, and so did I. When Leah opened her room, we both peered inside and saw Lucy and Keira on Keira's bed. They were hugging, both watching the screen intensely. They didn't see us, and as Leah slowly closed the door, trying to not make a sound, she asked me a question.
"Can I bunk with you for a few hours?"
"Of course." I opened my room door, and we both saw Georgia sitting on her bed, with a packet of skittles.
"Hey," I said to her, "we've got a friend."
"Hello Miss Leah," georgia said, "why've you decided to grace us with your presence."
"Got a little bit of a situation in my room," Leah said, laughing.
"What?" Georgia asked.
"Luce and Kie," I added.
"Oh, well, come and sit. Share my skittles. Currently watching Arsenal take on United." All three of us sat on Georgia's bed, and watched the men's premier league game. Ronaldo had been on fire for United recently, scoring three in his last two appearances.
"Ronaldo's got balls," Leah said.
"One of the best," Georgia said.
"One of the greatest," I added.
"Sometimes I wonder who our greatest is going to be," Georgia said, after the match had ended and we were all sitting on her bed, chatting.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we have the greats like Mia Hamm, and Kelly Smith, but in ten or twenty years, when players look back on our generation, who are going to be the greats?" I thought about Georgia's question, and in my mind, a few people came to me.
"Well, for England, you can't look past Lucy," I said, "she transformed the right back position. She won player of the year as a right back, which is something crazy."
"Yeah, and Ellen too. Now being the highest scoring English player."
"What about internationally?" Georgia continued to ask.
"Sam Kerr, Pernille Harder, Viv Miedema," I started to say.
"Yeah," Leah added, "and Indi Harrison, Magda Eriksson, even Sam Mewis."
"It's just weird," Georgia started to say, "that soon we will be the old ones that kids look back on."
"Babe, we already are!" I said, laughing.
Georgia ended up falling asleep on the bed, and as I walked Leah back to her room. When we opened the door, Lucy was no longer on Keira's bed, but Keira was. She, however, was fast asleep. I said goodnight to Leah and went back to my own room.
As I lay in bed, I couldn't sleep. My head was bursting with too many thoughts. Too many things rushed my brain. This wasn't what I had planned. I didn't know what I was supposed to do.
A few days later we played Sweden. We travelled up to Manchester for the game, and that meant Mum and Dad were able to come and watch me and Keira play. They love when we play for the Lionesses as they don't need to suffer through watching me wear a Chelsea jersey. Although they are both extremely happy that I am happy, they hate that I play for Chelsea. Their City born hearts can't stand it, but I only let it make me laugh. We all do.
I sit next to Georgia on the bus ride up, and as we each have headphones in either ear, I know she wants to ask me about the night earlier. She wants to know why Leah and I were suddenly talking.
"So," Georgia started to say, "you and Leah?" I thought about my answer, before knowing I shouldn't lie but realising I needed to be subtle.
"We're on good terms again. Not sure what it means yet, but it's something." She nodded, knowing my answer was strategically vague and thus not wanting to push me any further.
We played our game against Sweden, and we knew it was going to be tough. Sweden is an amazing opponent, and they are historically very good.
"Ok," Sarina said, before we were about to head out, "I want each of you to know the game plan. We defend, and we defend hard. We don't want to lose this game, okay?"
"Guys," Leah started to say, "everyone knows their role and so we need to execute. Let them have no easy passes, press and press hard, and make sure you give Ellie the best chance at giving us a clean sheet. Got it? Good. Hands in."
We walked out, and we saw, once again, the seas of red and white cascade the stands of Old Trafford.
"I will never get tired of this feeling," I said to Keira as we walked out together.
"Same, literally same."
The game was a defensive master class. Both England and Sweden were not giving anything up. We were tight on our opponents and they were tight on us. Magda Eriksson controlled the back line for Sweden and Lucy controlled the back line for England. Two veterans, and great players, were having the game of their lives.
It sometimes feels disheartening having a game end in a 0-0 draw, but that reflected the match. It was gritty and it was hard work. Both teams didn't want to give anything up, and neither did. Goals weren't gained, but experience was. Playing against a team like Sweden we knew was going to be hard, and this score shows that we were able to push through. We stayed competitive against one of the best. We were ready for the fight.
Keira and I went over to Mum and Dad after the game, and we talked to them. They were in the stands, but Keira and I were able to lean over, so both our parents could hug us.
"Tight game," Dad said, smiling at us both.
"But good," Mum added in.
A photographer came by and took some pictures for us. The Walsh family.
After the match, I got the pictures and when I showed them to Keira, we both smiled.
"These are adorable," she said, and I agreed. I posted one on my instagram after the match.
Ettiewalsh7: they just like watching us play for the same team @keirawalsh
Keirawalsh: they panic when we verse each other :)
Lucybronze: cutest fam
Stanwaygeorgia: <3 <3
I returned to London the next day, and when I did, I knew I needed to face some things. I'd be seeing Hayley and Leah face off in a few days in the Arsenal verse City game. I had to work things out before then. I needed to decide my future, before it was decided for me.
Note:
- quite a long chapter but i hope you guys liked it. literally spent so long writing and rewriting lol.
- anyways, let me know your thoughts/predictions/queries etc <3