I've been staring at Miles for what feels like an hour, those tired eyes speak more than any words he could ever tell me.
How did everything turn out so horribly?
"Come with me," Miles says, his eyes only on me, like they always are, on only me.
"She doesn't have to go anywhere with you," Jace speaks, and Miles's eyes move slowly toward him as if his eyes are an old clock wheel turning slowly and ruggedly.
"Jace," I breathe softly, "I want to go," my eyes look at him and I can tell that all I do when I part my lips are somehow hurt him, and I know I can't be a part of this cycle anymore, I don't want to involve him into any of this, I shouldn't have told him anything because I still haven't figured the way I feel about knowing that Miles and I won't be together after he finds out.
"Of course you do," Jace says surprisingly under his breath.
"You moved in with him and none of us knew." Jace says, his eyes on neither of us until he finally does look up, "How long have you been living with him?" His tone is firm but yet somehow gentle as his eyes peek up to look at me and Miles as we silently stare back at him.
"A month? three?"
"It hasn't even been a week," Miles replies calmly, his voice different than I remember, so fragile, so raspy, so boyish that I almost feel myself fall in love all over again.
Jace seems caught off guard and I can't help but let a small unnoticeable smile spread across my lips, Jace has always expected the worst; ever since Miles came into my life. Ever since then I know Jace's mind has been nothing but silent hate, and I've never really known toward which one of us he's directing it to.
"We should go," I say and both of them look at me, the last thing I want is for Jace to somehow spill out that I'm pregnant, I don't want Miles to find out right now, not like this, I never really thought about how I'd tell him something like this because I always knew it would never happen and now that it has, I feel panic flood over me from the thought alone.
I know Jace will only disapprove more from my words but as soon as the thought crosses my mind, he smiles at me, and with a small nod he parts his lip, "I hope I can--" he stops, glances at Miles, glances down and then back at me, "that I can see you at my wedding next month," cold runs through me like water in a stream and I feel nervous somehow, hurt and disappointed even though I know nothing in me belongs to Jace, somehow the idea of us I held so long is now finally, crumbling before me; something I knew I needed to see. I know I need to completely let go of Jace, he was never truly an option for me but somehow when things go wrong with Miles, I find myself thinking about just how effortless things could have been, but the truth is, I will never want Jace.
"Of course," I manage a smile, I'm glad that I have Miles, even though I don't know if I'll have him for much longer.
"You're sure she'll say 'yes'?" I ask but when I see the look in his eyes and the way the color shines when they meet mine, I instantly regret the words.
"Yes, because I know she loves me as much as I love you and I owe it to her to learn to love her back," he replies, and with that, the last of the image I've had of Jace and I, falls apart.
"HE TOLD YOU HE LOVED YOU," Miles states as I watch Jace in the rearview mirror, I know that a painfully long journey awaits before us as we're only a few feet past Jace's house and the gravel, trees and the emptiness of Ohio greet us as we continue the drive.
I'm not sure what Miles wants to hear or why his words sound like a mixture between a question and something else that I can't depict, but all I can reply with is a small 'yes' as I continue to stare outside my window.
I never would have left with Miles, I would have stayed, slept over at Jace's house, anything to get away from the hurt between the two of us. it's something I've known to recognize too well, and something I know will eventually . . . one day turn into something less chaotic; something beautiful.
The only reason I'm even here is because of the panic inside me that doesn't want any of this to be in Miles's mind, I don't want him to be aware of any of this.
Miles is right, he did tell me he loved me, and he told me everything was okay, me being pregnant and even me leaving his necklace behind and telling him it doesn't belong to me, but yet as soon as he had more time; more time to relive my words, more time to imagine, more time to see Miles, he seemed to change, but not with everything he said before, but with his image of me and Miles. I know Jace will probably never be okay with any of this, but I'm ready to put it behind me, Jace knows how I feel and as long as we never mention any of this again, everything will be okay, if we can ever do that.
I hear Miles's voice, but the words he said don't register and I find myself not replying or asking him to repeat his words, all I can think about how much everything will change and how much I don't want it to. The doctor said I'm almost a week pregnant and I don't know how much longer I can keep this safe; tucked away with me somewhere Miles can't find, and I know deep down he doesn't deserve that.
I know Miles isn't going to repeat what he said because something tells me it took everything in him to say it once and twice is going to be impossible.
"Can we visit Becky?" I ask I need something; anything, I can't go back to that house with Miles, I don't want to be all alone with him and my thoughts. and there's too much I want and need to say to him that I know will only spiral in the wrong direction.
everything goes silent and all I hear is a raspy, "sure," from Miles.
I don't reply and instead, I watch the window, the situation between us feels odd somehow and yet I can't put my finger on it, it's as if we're both dealing with too much that we aren't saying out loud, something we're only keeping to ourselves and I know that eventually, it will spiral but right now, all I want to do is close my eyes and think about how beautiful Jace's wedding will be and just how much I wish that one day, Jace and Miles will accept each other for what they really are; the most important people I have.