AUTHORS NOTE (07/06/2023)
Beware that this was written nearly a year before the actual euros took place and the winners and losers in the story may be different from what happened in reality.
The Euros felt like a blur. They went by so quickly, and as we all had to manage the tournament, I also had the added pressure of keeping my heart stable. I couldn't let it fail me again. I couldn't let it collapse on me once more.
We got to the final of the Euros, after beating Spain in the semis. We were set to verse Holland at Wembley, and it was going to be massive. There was expected to be nearly 70,000 people watching, the largest ever crowd at a women's football match. Not only would there be large numbers of English supporters, but the seas of orange were expected to turn up as well.
As Georgia and I lay in our beds the day before the final, I could feel myself not focused.
"George," I said, turning to look towards Georgia, who was laying on the bed beside mine.
"Yeah," she replied.
"I'm kind of shitting myself, about tomorrow."
"Me too," she answered, "but I think that's normal. We're meant to be nervous. We're playing in the final of the Euros, if we weren't nervous, that would be an issue."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," I added.
"We just need to go out there with confidence," she continued to say, "and realise that we are one of the best teams in the world, and we can win it, if we put our minds to it."
"But," I started to say, "what if we lose?" Georgia looked at me, with a confused expression printed on her face.
"Then we lose, and we come back stronger next year for the World Cup and the year after for the Olympics." I nodded my head, knowing she was right.
We got ready for bed, and as we both lay awake, with the lights turned off, I heard her whisper something.
"Ett," she said, quickly.
"George," I answered.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I replied.
"Were you ever going to tell me about Leah?" A shocked expression appeared on my face, and I quickly turned on the light.
"What?" I asked her, confused, "what do you mean, me and Leah?"
"Don't need to get all defensive," Georgia said, sitting up, "you and her. You guys had a thing, but broke it off."
"How do you know?" I asked her, still confused and bewildered.
"Well, I didn't know for sure until just then," Georgia said, laughing slightly, "I only had very big suspicions."
"Ah, you're such a bitch," I said, laughing. We both were sitting on the ends of our beds, looking at each other, the bedside table between us.
"I knew when you left Manchester," Georgia started to say, "a lot of things pointed towards it, and if I wasn't your roommate, I wouldn't have been able to piece it all together. But, you and Leah grew quite close, closer than what you had ever been in the past. You also stopped talking to Keira for a good six months, which added to it. In Tokyo, I saw you grab her hand and squeeze it, and you gave each other a look. And the other day, when we saw Jordan and Leah hugging, you kind of laughed slightly, like you were pissed off or you knew the inevitable was going to happen. That's when I knew, for sure, that something had happened."
"Seriously George?" I said to her, laughing.
"What?"
"You couldn't have just asked me?"
"Well, I assumed you would have told me if you'd wanted to."
"Trust me, I did want to but so many things meant that I couldn't, and now, it all fell apart." I lay back on my bed, facing the ceiling. Georgia came over and lay beside me, grabbing my hand.
"It's okay," she said to me, "it's okay." And for the first time in months, I finally let myself spill the tears that had been building up inside of me. My eyes watered, and let loose, unleashing all the emotions that were not able to escape prior.
"George," I said, through deep breaths, "everything was just too confusing, and I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't."
"It's okay," she said again, placing her arms around my head, and hugging me. Although Keira is my twin, and I love her more than words can explain, something about having a best friend that is removed from your family makes things easier to explain. There's less complications, and Georgia was my person with no complications.
Once I had slightly calmed down, I told Georgia everything. I told her about when Leah and I were sixteen, playing for the U17s Lionesses, and how we first kissed, but then I found out she liked Jordan, to when Leah first came over to my place after she had had a fight. I told her about when we slept in the same bed, twice, to how I asked her to move in with me. I mentioned the fact I didn't want it to be a secret, and finally answered the question as to why Keira and I went six long months with limited contact. I told her about how Keira and I reconciled, and why I finally broke things off for one last time with Leah.
"Woah," Georgia said, "that all happened in the space of a year and a half?" I nodded my head, "and you kept it a secret for most of that time?" I nodded my head again. "That sounds like a lot."
"It was a lot."
"And in between all of that, you dealt with the repercussions of an eating disorder and the reemergence of your heart condition?"
"Yep."
"Woah. You're one superhero, Juliette Walsh." I laughed at this.
"No, I'm really not. I'm just someone who somehow always finds themselves in a mess, and I'm so over it."
"I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I do think you were right in what you did. You both need space to work out what you truly want, and maybe, in the future, you will make your way back to each other."
"Yeah, I know, but it's hard. I've spent so long loving her and trying to love her, and as soon as I thought we got to the place of stability, it just had to turn to shit."
"Sometimes, the ones you love most are the ones you have to let go." I thought about it for a second, and knew she was right. I had to let her go. I had to let Leah go, until we both found ourselves again.
We both went back to bed, soon after, and when we woke up, it was time for the final. I had a few messages from Chelsea girls, wishing me good luck. Sam messaged me something sweet too.
Sam: indi might be forcing me to wear something orange, but always supporting you etts. Play your heart out and leave everything out there. You will do great. I know it.
Ettie: woah, a sweet text from sam? Unheard of. But truly, thanks. Hope you're having a blast with kristie in london :)
Sam: its not sweet, its supportive! Just be grateful :) but yeah, kris loves it over here, she may be signing a contract but i cant give anything away
Ettie: ooooo sounds thrilling! Hope you enjoy the game.
Although I hadn't seen Sam in a while, she's one of those girls that you can always count on. Always lovely. Always funny. And always supportive.
As we arrived at Wembley, Georgia stayed very close. It was as if, now that she knows, she wasn't going to let anyone hurt me. It was nice having her be so protective.
When we were all sitting in the change room, Georgia wouldn't leave my side and only did so when she went to the bathroom.
"Georgia's sticking to you like glue, at the moment," Keira said to me.
"I told her everything."
'Everything?"
"Everything."
"Well, that explains it." Keira smiled, softly, and went back to sit beside Lucy.
As Georgia came back beside me, we started laughing with Ella and Beth, trying to dismantle some of the stress we had brewing inside of us.
"So," Ella said to Beth, "you're versing DVD?" Beth nodded.
"It's not ideal, but we both know that in the end, nothing can change anything between us, and I'll love her if we win or if we lose." I smiled at this, finding comfort in how Beth can love someone like that, unconditionally.
"You guys are strong," Georgia said, "you'll get through anything. I mean, you've been doing long distance the past year."
As they all chatted away, my brain got side tracked. I was looking over at Leah, who was sitting by herself. She was going through the captains folder, looking at all the important documents and plays, and everything else she needed to know. No one was distracting her. Everyone was doing their own thing. She looked up, ever so quickly, and saw me. We caught eyes, and something clicked in me. A pit grew deeper in my stomach, and as I looked away, my phone buzzed. It was Hayley.
Hayley: good luck! I'll be watching from brissy!
Ettie: thank you!! Hopefully it goes to plan.
Hayley: just be brave, ett, and you can accomplish anything. I know you can xx
I smiled at this, turned my phone off and started preparing to go out onto the pitch.
I started the game at left back, with Lucy, Keira, Leah, Alex, Millie, Jordan, Ellen, Mary, Fran and Beth. It was a solid 11, but I was nervous. My heart was beating rapidly, but I had it under control. I wasn't going to let it affect me.
The game started fairly evenly, with both teams having matched possession time. But, as no one would be surprised, a goal was scored in the 16th minute. Miedema slotted the ball past Earps at the far post, and got the first goal. We answered soon though. A corner ball from Beth travelled to Ellen's head, and she tapped it in to draw it.
At one point, Viv had a touch in the box, but I slid down in front of her, and stole the ball from underneath her. I saved a shot on target.
Going into the second half, Georgia subbed off and Jordan came on. Jordan scored a brilliant goal in the 65th minute, which was assisted by Leah. When Jordan got it in, she ran up to Leah, jumping on her. They were celebrating the goal, and I should've been too, but I was too focused on what had just happened. Why do I still care?
We were up in the 90th minute, but a quick transition from the Dutch and a mistake from Millie, meant they equalised. We had a lead, and we blew it. I was angry. I was angry that we had done the exact same thing that had happened at the Olympics. We had blown a lead.
The Dutch went on to score two goals in extra time, and they won. As soon as the final whistle blew, I fell to the ground. I was angry. I was angry at myself for not doing enough. I was angry that I had been distracted before the game. I was angry that we had gotten so close and we were still so far away. I saw the Dutch girls, jumping in joy and smiling hard, and I only wished that was me. I sat on the pitch, as the other girls hugged each other. I didn't want anyone to talk to me, I wanted to be left alone. I heard footsteps coming to me, and when I looked up it was Leah.
"Lee, I don't want to talk."
"Ett," she started to say.
"No, Leah, no. Please, just leave me alone." She walked away after I had said this, and although I was slightly rude, I couldn't deal with it.
After the post match miseries, we all were left to deal with the loss. Leah said some words, but I didn't listen. I didn't feel like listening to her tell me what to feel or what to think, even if that does sound petty. I knew what I needed at that moment. I needed to get away. Get away from London, from the team, from Leah.
Ettie: can i still take you up on that brissy offer?
Hayley: wouldn't have it any other way x get on the next flight! I'll be waiting for you x