As I lay in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, I was angry. I was angry that I had put so much love and attention into Leah and our relationship when I should've known it wouldn't work. I should've realised that she and I just weren't ever meant to be. It annoyed me how naive and immature I was. I tried to be the sixteen year old girl who was first in love with Leah Williamson instead of the 24 year old who had grown and endured so much.
"You okay?" Georgia asked, as we were about to go off to sleep.
"Yeah," I said, not convincingly.
"You're the worst liar, Ett."
"Shut up," I replied, jokingly, "just trying to get into the zone for the start of the comp."
"Right," Georgia answered, "the Euros. We've got to bring our A game."
"That we do." This only reminded me that not only did I have to focus on the Euros, but so too did Leah. She is the captain after all. I can't be the thing that gets in our way of European glory.
We turned off the light and as I was scrolling my instagram, I saw a photo of Hayley. She was in Brisbane, living her best life at the beach. She got to spend some quality time with her family, and had some time off from football. I envied her for that. I missed going to Australia with her. When we were together, we used to go to Brisbane whenever we could. She'd always convince me to go with her, and I never objected. I loved Australia, mostly because it meant we had quality time together, with her family.
She posted a photo of her at the beach, with her brothers. She was smiling, and laughing, her hair drenched from the salt water.
Hayleyraso: all i need x
I decided to do something I hadn't done in a while - I commented.
Ettiewalsh7: having a blast, i see :)
I hadn't commented on one of her photos since we broke up, but I thought that now we're in a better place and becoming friends again, it was time. It was time for that next step. Then, I had a message.
Hayley: ooo, got a comment i see :)
Ettie: hehe yes! Brissy looks incredible. Wish i could be with you <3
Hayley: after euros, you should come over...
Ettie: hmm ill think about it and get back to you, but it sounds like a dream...
If Leah doesn't want anything to do with me, and if she isn't ready to be with me, I am not going to sit around and wait for her. I need to put myself out there again and go find the people who love me enough to just love me. Maybe Hayley was that person.
I turned my phone off and fell asleep, peacefully.
The next few weeks were all about the preparation for the Euros. I avoided Leah and spent most of my time with Georgia. Leah wasn't a hard person to avoid anyways, as she was focused on captaining us to a major competition. Jordan, however, always seemed to be in my eye sight. Whenever I sat for dinner, or was tying my shoes before practice, I saw her looking at me. It wasn't an evil glint, nor was it something to worry about, but she was noticing me a lot more than she had been before, and it was all because of what she saw.
Without context, I know Jordan would be confused. Leah and I spend no time together, nor are we even catching each other's eyes. We weren't currently talking, and so no wonder Jordan has no idea what to make of my relationship with Leah.
As the Euros fastly approached, the whole team sat together the night before the first game.
"Guys," Leah said, talking to us and giving us all a pep talk, "tomorrow, our campaign begins. It's our time to show the world that England is here to fight. We're going to fight for the title, okay? I want each of you to go out there and play like you have never played before. Remember why we are doing this. We are doing this for the little girls who never thought they would ever get to play professional sport. We are doing this for the little girls who had to play with the boys growing up. And more importantly, we are doing this for the little girls who didn't believe they could, because guess what, we are. We are doing it. We are going to a major competition where we have a great chance to become the victors. So, I want you all to play with grit, and fight and determination, because we deserve this win. Sarina deserves this win. England deserves this win. Okay?" We all started cheering, each of us infected with goose bumps.
We all had left the room, but I realised I had forgotten my phone, placed on the bench. As I made Georgia come back with me, we both saw Leah and Jordan hugging in the locker room. I shook my head, slightly laughing. I grabbed my phone from the bench, and as Leah and I caught eyes, I left the room, smiling. I wasn't smiling because I was happy, but because I knew how stupid I had been. She'll always love Jordan. I will never be able to compete with Jordan, and at this point, I have to realise that that is okay.
"I thought they broke up," Georgia said to me, as we walked back to our room.
"Not sure," I replied, not replying honestly.
"I thought you and Leah were close."
"We were," I replied, "we are." I corrected myself, not wanting to give anything away.
"They've always been confusing though," Georgia said.
"Yeah, that they have been."
As we walked, I went onto my phone and did something I didn't realise I was going to do. Maybe it was done for the wrong reasons, or maybe it was done because I truly felt as if this was what was meant to happen, but I messaged Hayley.
Ettie: i might just take you up on that offer. Would you have me in august in brissy?
Hayley: of course. Cannot wait.
Leah's moved on, and that's okay. She's gone back to the person I always knew she would go back to, but that doesn't mean I have to mourn anything. I need to go out and live my life, and Hayley was that life. She was where I wanted to be. Maybe as friends or maybe as more. But what I did know, life was going to be good. It was going to be good.
Note:
- happy new year everyone!! Hope 2022 is better than 2021 (I hope that's the case for me at least!)
- love u all