It had been an odd couple of months, to say the least.
With the nights crystalline gleam shining down on me, the slight light illuminating from it with the cold winds smoothing out my skin with the fine-sensations of its natural frost; I came out here to simply reflect on what has gone on during the last few months.
First was Kei and Class C, then came Ichinose, and finally Yamauchi and his attempt to remove me from this school.
But most importantly was Hiyori.
Over the past 10 months, my relationship with Hiyori has grown considerably from friends to something I'm not even sure of.
Originally she was just a friend of mine, one that I would encounter occasionally and talk with when circumstances or fate had pushed me to.
But now, that wasn't even close to the case.
It was no longer circumstances that made me be with her but rather, it was of my own accord that I had begun to be with her.
2 months ago, it was mainly reserved to every single lunch period that I'd be with her and nothing more.
However, in recent times, it has extended beyond just lunch periods wherein I'd be with or see her.
I'd even be with her after class' were over.
Everyday, without fail.
And it was usually me who approached her, as she could usually be found in the library reading even after class' were over.
Initially, she was surprised for the first 5 days I had approached her after school and was questioning why I was hanging out with her daily.
My response consisted of 5 words.
Those being "I like it, that's all."
It was lukewarm and didn't convey much meaning, but I wasn't lying when I said I liked it.
A little too much even for my liking, actually.
Actually, to take it further; I may be enjoying it way too much.
Too much being that it got to the point wherein our time after school got so consistent - meaning daily - that we had both agreed on a schedule for what we'd do a specific days.
A schedule.
Monday was reserved for reading in the library, Tuesday was reserved for reading in the cafe, Wednesday was reserved for going out to the park to just look at things, Thursday was reserved for going to the fountain and reading there (why she wanted to go there to read I knew instantly), and Friday's were spent simply walking around the entire complex wherein the school resided in.
This schedule remained consistent and had never changed for the last month, and we'd never broken it even once ever since we began it 3 weeks ago.
And now, considering what we were doing, it wasn't even as if we were friends anymore.
Creating a schedule for what activities to do everyday, doing them without fail and never trying to be late, never saying "no" to what your friend tells you to do...
Is this what friends do? What normal friends do?
But with the Ayanokouji Group, who I consider myself close with, I'd never do something like this.
Especially creating a schedule which I am not obligated to follow, as she herself said.
"You-you don't need to follow this! I'm just saying because how much we've been with each other recently that we should create different activities to do on specific days! To keep it different sometimes, you know?"
And yet I follow it anyways.
I never miss a single day, I never choose not to go out with her.
Not because I'm forced to, but because I enjoy my time with her a lot.
And for some reason, thinking about even missing a single day and imagining her sad face without me there.
It makes me sick, disgusted at myself, and even makes me want to scorn my own being for making such a thing happen.
But even more-so, I've been smiling next to her ever-so slightly.
She doesn't notice it at all, and sometimes I don't; but I believe they have been appearing very frequently on my bland face more recently.
And to me and my constant switching of nature around her and other people;
It's odd.
I feel weird, out of place.
I don't feel okay, I feel as if I'm just not acting properly; as if how I used to act is being shattered slowly.
Perhaps I've "grown soft", as some people say?
But that isn't how I act around other people, I'm not "soft" around other people or try to please them or make them happy.
It's just her.
She's most likely, no she is the only person I have actively tried to make more happy or at least feel pleased during our times together.
At all opportunities that may appear.
It's all new to me, I've never done anything like this to anyone else.
And yet I keep doing them, and I doubt I need to do them.
She seems to simply like my presence and enjoy her time with me as I do with her, and the more I continue this "investigation" for answers.
The more I realize that it's not an "investigation", but rather it may just be a ploy to get closer to her.
But that doesn't mean I haven't given up on my first goal, my first question I desire to answer.
I just want to finally capture that beast that has been running from me, or I let run from me just to stall out my time with actually understanding it.
Just to spend time an inch of time with Hiyori more.
But I know that I can't run away forever, for the wind is no longer in my favor and will strike again to compel me to finally get that question finished.
But if I finally get the answer I want, does that mean I'll no longer spend time with Hiyori anymore?
If that's true, then I don't want it answered.
Even if my insatiable desire for it is ever-clear.
But if it is the opposite, if it means that I could spend even more time with this person that has interested me to such a degree.
Then I'll scourge more to try to understand it.
Even if it is unsavory or perhaps contradictory of my own nature.
For the more I'm with her, the more I realize I'm slowly morphing into something, someone different.
And as the wind hits my neck causing the slightest of bumps to appear, as the night swallows my hair and illuminates it in an almost ethereal glow, I remain thinking.
my head forward gazing at the horizon, my gaze unchanging.
Yet I think of her and her smile and face, her positivity and beautiful stature; with her personality shining like a golden statue - all of which unknowingly gives my eyes an almost infinite world of color.
And my face even the slightest smile, so slight you could never even see it unless you were right up to me.
A smile I vaguely knew the reason for, but I didn't want to accept.
For the emotions, which I had never felt, that had begun coming to me were scaring me.
For they were too strong for me to handle.
And I fear that they may be released, without my knowledge; without me even knowing what they were.
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Closer and closer to the end.
After this fan fiction is done, I may choose to do another girl.
Sakayanagi, anyone?