At the moment, we were walking up to the rooftop - steps silent and ground still with students from various Class' silently taking peeks at us before retreating to their various sub-conversations.
But to me, it felt like all I had just said was the opposite.
Every step I took felt colossal, as if I had made the ground shift to the right at every move and action I took, and the sound of them reverberated through my eardrums and hit every point within them as if to say "you're making a mistake".
But the thing that scared me most, that most felt like I was being closed in upon were the students.
Though their glances were subtle, barely noticeable to be entirely honest, it truly felt as if they were boring holes into the back of me and were trying to subdue me to not go with him.
And yet my body acted both voluntarily and involuntarily, as I have read from books that very few movements are involuntary.
Involuntary movements include things like heart-rate, breathing, and the production of K-T cells - but voluntary movements are things like arm movements, looking from left to right, or.... punching someone....
No-Not that I'd ever do that! It's just an example!
A-anyway... even though I read about that, that would most definitely contradict what happened during that day.
Every movement I took during that day, when that event happened was with absolute involuntary movements - which were controlled by my already present feelings.
So perhaps feelings took place in voluntary movements and made them involuntary?
But then why am I following Ayanokouji-kun if all I feel is fear, worry, scared, and extremely sad?
Is it also because of the ever-slight hope that is growing within me? That hope that perhaps we could go back to how we were?
But even then... considering how we are now, it feels like a dream.
Considering my own actions done voluntarily of my own accord, I know how much it's damaged our relationship.
Even though I want it to stay together, too at least be with him.
And yet it's all done with a purpose, though it may also be damaging me in retaliation of my actions.
But perhaps I can finally stop all that, stop my rash actions which would be, are stupid even to me.
I just hope that it comes true, even if it is slight.
As we approach the rooftop, my footsteps are becoming louder and louder to me, my heart is absolute racing with intense speed that could rival the fastest jet in the world, and my hands are still grasping a book which I holding to my chest in absolute fear of what might come next.
It has been a month since I've talked to him, and speaking to him again brings only fear to my heart, not of what he might do - but of what I might do.
I know I've said it before, even hundreds of times, but I'm scared of my actions at the moment; I'm scared of how I might just rush at him and put my arms around him, or we both might slowly move to each other without thinking and get so close that we do what we did during that day.
And even if I, in the smallest corner of my mind, want all that to happen - I can't let it.
Eventually, we reached the metal door to the rooftop, with all my emotions bundled up, his back faced towards me, and his hand reaching out to pull it open; I waited for the moment to happen.
And soon, the door opened to reveal the day outside.
He walked first and I behind him and as he walked across the length of the rooftop, stopping just around the end to the entrance of the second entrance and staying still afterwards, he finally looked back at me with his usual look and a blunt turn.
However, I can tell something is different about him, abrogate to his nature.
But even then, his nature remained the same. It was as if mother-earth was keeping his mind still - with the wind unchanging of the stone-wall he had built up; despite that wall having been decayed ever slowly.
And as his eyes peer into me, as I have trouble looking at him, no words have spilled out our mouths yet.
The silence was unbearable, the tensions from the library making there way through the halls we passed and back to us like snakes finding their prey.
We were waiting for one of us to speak, minutes had passed....
"Like me get straight to the point, have you been avoiding me?"
Until he spoke first.
His way of speaking was quick, yet slow, while also being methodical and perfect; everything he did seemed to be planned and taken with precaution.
But to a greater degree, his question was the thing that influenced me the most.
And to answer it simply, I had been avoiding him as much as possible - and most of the time our time together in the last four weeks was nothing more than coincidence.
And even if he was right that I had been avoiding him.
I... I didn't want to admit it to him.
Because if he did, he'd know the reason; or perhaps he already did.
"I-I don't know what.... what you're talking..... about...."
"Hiyori, you're not a very good liar."
O-oh, I forgot I'm a terrible liar.....
"I.... I don't know.... what you're talking... what you're about.... Ayanokouji-kun....
I decided to use his last name and honorifics to throw him off and make him possibly believe me, and it didn't make him change in anyway despite the smallest, if you squint you'd miss it stutter of his hand.
"Hiyori, just stop trying, you know yourself it isn't working; it's getting embarrassing", he said in a seemingly cold tone that was laced with a gentle touch to it.
"O-okay... I-..... I have been avoiding you...."
Again, silence seeped into the atmosphere, and the wind hit me again; letting my hair flutter to the right and giving me an odd sense of calm and nervousness all in the same.
"For what reason?"
He already knew.
"You already.... you already know...."
Silence again.
"Why are you so worried?"
Huh?
"What-what do you mean?"
" I think it's quite obvious based on what you did during that day. How you're afraid of something happening, most likely my expulsion."
My body froze.
"And I myself want to know why you're so scared, for the chance that I may get expelled is low."
Low?
"You're chances of being expelled is low?"
"Yes, so I doubt you'd need to be worried about me, and the possibility of me being able to fend off people Is high; so I doubt you'll need to be worried-"
"What do you mean low?", for the first time in my entire life; my emotions broke through and released not relief, not happiness, but a small amount of anger which raised the pitch of my voice by an octave.
An emotion that, though small, I've never expressed to such a degree.
To even be almost shouting at Kiyotaka, something I thought I'd never do.
Someone who I trusted more or at least at the same level of my own class.
"Do you know how worried, how scared I am that you'll get expelled? Do you know how much fear I get when Ryuuen tries to come after you? Every single Class is after you. How can you say that your chances of being expelled is "low"?!"
He stayed silent, not emotions present on his face except his usual poker face while I tried my hardest to calm down after my sudden outburst - something even I was surprised by.
"I just [(I paused)], I just don't want you to be gone.... I don't want you to go away, and I don't want to... I don't want to be the reason for it....."
The fear in my voice was ever-present now, and all the emotions that created fear and developed it came to me.
My knees felt weak, my hands that were holding my book had nearly lost their fervor and the tears I had been holding back were ever-present on my now cold cheeks.
"I don't want to be without you.... I'm just scared of that of all things..."
And when that line came, my tears came full force while he simply stared at me.
He made no movements to comfort me, he did absolutely nothing at all.
Because he knew that in some points I was right, and he was not going to lie about that.
And as I cried my tears away, revealing my fears that encroached me and swallowed me for the last 4 weeks, he just stared at me silently.
With only the wind dancing around me, and the sound of his hair blowing being the only sound that was perceived by me.
Until I heard footsteps, as I had just fallen on my knees.
The book I was grasping firmly had fallen to my right, and my hair was now covered with my own tears as I felt their soaked silkiness against my face.
My crying seemed endless, yet my were tears slowing and starting to wind down.
And while they were slowing down I chose to look up, to see him now kneeling and looking into my eyes with that same, mesmerizing look.
And he again, took no actions.
The tears I was spilling stopped, my hands gave up movement and all I did was stare at his blank eyes.
And the feelings by which I tried to hold back so deeply, that I tried to suppress beyond all effort, were now coming back to me with full speed.
However before I could try to act upon them, he gently put one of his hands around my shoulders and hugged me; putting my face near the crook of his neck yet not on his body.
His head was near the top of my head, which caused my eyes to widen every so slightly with tears pricking the sides of them.
And with this one action he committed, though it may technically be his first, I went still again.
"I know, I know that may be a possibility, everything you said is true", he said slowly.
"However, you were wrong about one thing."
In slight dread of the next thing he was going to say, I replied shakily.
"What-what is it?"
"My chances of being expelled are indeed low, and that's never going to change", he replied with absolute dictation within his speech.
And that voice, that voice had tranced me from replying in the manner I did before.
"How... how so?"
He stopped for one second, thinking of his next words.
"I can't tell you how I won't, all you can do is trust me, even if you may not, that I'm not going to be expelled - not just for the sake of my freedom, not anymore."
"Why... why not anymore?"
"Because...."
"Because?"
"Because you're here, and I'm not just going to leave you alone."
And with those few words, everything broke, the dam by which I built to suppress my feelings which was ever-so delicate broke and my eyes went up to look at his for seconds, and then...
I instantly rushed into his chest and hugged him tightly, crying while doing so and soaking his shirt.
I felt his body twitch slightly, and he put his other arm around me and proceeded to hug me with a gentle and rough force.
And as I cried, he put his face on my hair.
Yet even then as we were about to reach the peak of this moment, as we were on the floor hugging each other with him now stroking my hair, I ask...
How did we exactly get here?
[(How did we get here?)] (Ayanokouji)
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This may not be good, sorry for that.
But I'll try to improve if it isn't.
This is the last planned chapter, everything else from here I need to think of.
And I'll actually take a break this time, for like... 2 days?
(Also, from here on out I'm going to do flashback chapters for you to understand how Ayanokouji and Hiyori got to this, because last chapter I said their relationship began 10 months ago. I'm not going to go that far, so I'm going to start around 5 months before this. Each chapter will represent one month or 15 days.)