When I get off the train, I realize that I have nowhere to go, I don't want to visit my mother's house and I don't even know if Jace is home from TXU, but as I walk the familiar beautiful road that leads me to where all my memories began, I realize that being right here is perfect.
I slowly walk toward the seeing Jace and I used to play in as children and I start to think of my own, my first child and probably my only is now growing in my stomach, not knowing that its mom is in Ohio thinking about what she can possibly do next.
I haven't even thought about the idea of telling miles and ad soon as I do, knots start to form in my stomach, I haven't been able to take this in full, but somehow knowing that where I'm going, a small person is coming with me.
I take a few deep breaths before managing to see myself lightly on the swing, letting my shoes drop into the tall grass beneath me and letting the memories of Jace and I flow to me as the wind brushes against my cheeks.
"Madison?" I hear a familiar voice call and I'm greeted with Jace when I turn around.
I step into the grass and run barefoot to him and into a jump and tight hug, I'm surprised when he hugs me back especially when he hugs me so tightly.
"What are you doing here?" I ask and he raises a brow with a laugh, "I think that questions should be yours to answer, I'm helping your mom, I want to keep her garden clean even after she's . . . Gone," he finishes, the words hurting me hut is now somehow managing to brush them away.
"Thank you, Jace," I breathe, knowing how much that means to me, he begins to smile but then it quickly fades.
"You're not wearing my necklace," he points out and I gulp.
"I'm sorry, Jace," I say not sure hell ever understand but I'm thankful when he shakes his head with a smile.
I regret leaving it behind but I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't belong to me anymore.
"I understand," he replies softly, looking down at the grass I'm standing on. "Is there space for two?" he asks and I nod with a small smile.
As we walk over the tall grass, I breathe in the soft air flowing into my lungs as if it's watering everything that has died inside me. Everything Miles has done, and now knowing that this will be the very last straw between us, I know that as soon as I tell him . . . he'll want nothing to do with it.
Nothing is the way it used to be.
"Your. .. her ring, your grandmother's ring," Jacefinally manages and I a shot of guilt injects into me.
"You're engaged?" he asks and then realizes it's on the wrong hand.
I shake my head and gulp down something I didn't think I'd ever have to tell him about, I never know if we're really never going to see each other again every time we meet, everything between us seems to only seep into the hurt Jace is carrying for us.
"No, I--" I don't know what to say, and instead of saying anything right now, I shake my head softly and calmly before I manage any more words, "It's a promise ring . . . of something I'm not sure applies any longer," I gulp the tears that want to come up to the surface and I know there is only a small dose of emotions that can run through me before the tears overflow the eyes I'm trying to keep them behind.
"Madison," Jace says softly, there's no hint of anger, sadness, or judgment in his voice and before I can stop myself, I fling into a hug, my head resting on his shoulder as my hands wrap around his neck.
"I love you," he says and I know just how he means it; in more ways than one.
"I know," I tell him, tears streaming down my cheeks, Jace didn't deserve this to happen, he deserved what we were promised our whole lives.
His arms are soft on mine and even when I pull away, his hands stay, warming mine.
"I'm glad," he says and I can tell the words are difficult on his tongue, "You deserve to be happy, Madison, and if that's being with him, I'll be okay with that," he says and I can tell there's something more behind his eyes, "There is actually something else I wanted to tell you," He lets me know.
"Let's sit down?" he asks and I nod, his soft eyes on mine.
We both walk toward the swing before sitting down and feeling the wind on us as we sway softly in the air around us.
His eyes look into mine, the soft green color watching me for any hurt as to what he's about today. His lips part and as if in slow motion the words come out, "I'm going to propose to Rosie this Sunday,"
"Oh," Is all I can say, while my tears feel all of a sudden burning on my cheeks. Knowing that this would have been our future somehow settings, Jace wanted all of the things I wanted, Jace wasn't complicated, he was simple, he was loving, he loved me, and still does. Jace is stable, he's the one I know In some world, I would have been with and everything would have been easy and free, he would have proposed and he would have been over the moon about my pregnancy, but that fate didn't belong to me; it never did, because as soon as I saw Miles, I knew he was my fate.
"I'm glad," I finally manage somehow, leaning into him for a hug.
"I'll forever love you, Madison," his words are barely audible as they flow into my ear in a whisper; so quiet they seem to be carried by the wind and not by Jace's lips.
"I should tell you . . . something too, Jace . . . that I'm . . . I'm, I, um, I found out I'm pregnant," I whisper, his hands detach from me, and he stares into my eyes, trying to see something That would tell him what I just said isn't true but when he doesn't find it, he just stares at me; really stares.
"Everything really has changed," he says, looking down in disappointment at his fingers, "It hurts me, Madison, but . . . but I can do nothing but be as good of an uncle as I can." He says and I nod, knowing exactly how he feels, even though I would never be able to be with Jace, it hurts me to know that our lives will now separate, he'll be with Rosie and I'll hopefully somehow mend the broken heart I'll get from telling Miles.
I can't imagine how Jace feels about this because even though I'll never love him the way he does me, I'm hurt by the separation, and knowing how much he still loves me, I know he'll be hurt for the rest of his life that our paths; the paths that were meant to be one are now more separate than ever before.