What does it mean to be curious?
It was a simple question, very simple to other people.
Yet I for one had trouble understanding it at all.
Living in an emotionless environment I had no knowledge on things which related to emotions, feelings, or the abstraction of love. However, if it weren't for that man - I would most likely be much more different than the cold, dead husk by which the world sees me as.
But because of him it wasn't that way, it would most likely never have been that way if I continued to stay within those white walls, bleached to an unimaginable degree to make the person within it feel excruciatingly isolated from the rest of the world; to make them feel as if all that mattered was that one room and that anything outside was but empty, cold, and brutish.
But by a stroke of luck, I came here.
Here I thought I could reach the unachievable goal by which that white prison disdained: I thought that peace would be attainable, and I could finally escape those white walls and split them into the four corners of my mind; to disperse them of their influence amongst my psyche.
That was all I desired on the surface - but always at the back of my twisted mind I desired more than that, something better than that.
I wanted to learn something, something that I always desired to learn; things by which were rejected from me by birth and could make me human again, real again.
But after the reveal of the S-System and the Class-A obsessed psychopath next to me constantly pushing me to work for her and tricking me with food to do so; my chances of receiving my desired peace or gaining something which could help me achieve my deepest desire had become in my mind - impossible.
Also considering the competitive, cutthroat nature of the Class' and the desire to expel me that had appeared in every Class besides B; my peaceful life which I sought so dearly was thrown out of the window, to the center of our galaxy, and burned deep into the molten, bubbling bomb of the heat-grazed sun.
I knew that I could no longer attain the peace I desired, for peace never desired itself to meet me and embrace me in its relaxing, love-filled grasp.
And by some point, I had fully given up on my two goals; for I thought they were now but fantasies I had conglomerated considering this schools nature.
But then I met her.
At first I thought of her as nothing but a lover of books, going to the library and having minimal friends - overall being a loner who rejected to talk with essentially anyone.
The first time I saw her when she was trying to reach a book in the library and I helped her out, that's what I thought of her. And after helping her get the book she desired; she gave a nearly 30 minute long talk rambling on books she liked and how interesting the one I had helped give to her was - which made me believe I was right about the "book lover" part.
However on everything else I deduced, I was quite mistaken.
Her loner attitude was not like Kouenji (god forbid it be), and instead she showed overbearing kindness and respect whenever we spoke; here facial features expressing an almost uncontainable joy; as if she had found her lost dog or met a friend who she hadn't seen in years.
I wouldn't know the feeling, but I could at best deduce it from others.
And from that single meeting at the library, we would "hang out" together on many other different occasions. We would sometimes be in the cafeteria - eating together and discussing random topics; or in the library reading while discussing the plot points of our respective or shared books.
And I found it fun, it was fun to talk with her - but so was talking with the Ayanokouji Group and even Kei sometimes.
I'm sure she felt more enlightened and happy by our discussions than me; as compared to an emotion-drained and forcefully learnéd animal - she was beyond emotional and unequivocally true with her responses to things.
Like that time she begged for me not to be expelled, or her passion for her books when we we're together; everything she said screamed truth and compassion when she let her words flow when with me in both the most dangerous or soothing situations we were in.
And naturally, the more time we spent together the closer we got together.
Well the closer she got to me, at least.
Personally at the start of our relationship I never thought I was getting too close to her; but rather I felt like I was at the same place I had always standed since we met.
At the beginning of our relationship, she was nothing more than just another part of my life; of this schools population whom I was close friends with.
The only real thing special about her connection with me was that she was my friend but in a different class.
But so was Ichinose.
And from those points, I thought that nothing could ever happen with me and her extending beyond the discussions we had.
But... but I was wrong.
It seemed I was always wrong about this girl. And it all was shown on full display and exploded - everything I thought I couldn't feel absolutely imploded during that day.
That day changed my perception of her and my view on the things I thought I couldn't feel, which now were sprouting like flowers from the gloomy garden of my mind ever-so slowly.
And most of all after that day, tranquility invaded my every being whenever I was with her.
That tranquility continued even now, and my curiosity for her had at that moment and especially now spiked beyond the mountains of Geneva.
But curiosity also leads to undesired and desired results. And now my curiosity ever since that day with her had risen to an unfixable degree.
I wanted to know everything about her past, her likes, how I could make her feel more joy than the already close discussions we had.
All of this I believe of as curiosity - it couldn't, can't be anymore than that.
I knew it was nothing more, hence was also the reason why I desired to be something more with her to satiate it, to finally give the answers to my curiosity.
Even though I knew it was absolutely impossible if we wanted to not be targeted by the various Class' which sought to destroy me.
I knew that if Ryuuen or Sakayanagi ever found out, they would use it against us - against her specifically.
And she was not like me, she wasn't mentally fortified like me.
I knew just how fragile her mind was, and she would be used as bait for me.
A bait that for once I would follow; to preserve the fragile being that I was so curious about and they sought to destroy.
I wanted to protect her for the sake of my curiosity, nothing more.
And from that I simply thought that our relationship together should stay as it was, shouldn't extend beyond this range we were at.
And yet, It was after that day that we barely spoke during our various meet-ups.
And those meet-ups had become unmistakably rare.
And this meet-up, this one I was having at the library with her was again coincidence.
It had been nearly 1 month since that day, and I noticed and for sure she noticed just how utterly different out time together had become.
Discussion wasn't frequent, we would barely look each other in the eye, and when we did something urged me by some hand of my own consciousness to do something; anything to further the moment.
And even with how utterly tempting it was to pursue my over-arching curiosity, I held back.
Not because I wanted to, but because I reluctantly had too for the sake of the both of us.
But it was becoming harder and harder to resist the pull, and by now something other than curiosity had been corrupting my heart and making me feel odd whenever I suppressed myself from doing anything.
I wanted something to happen, I'm sure she did too; but we both know that the damage it would cause could become unrepairable.
Ever since that day, our relationship had changed.
Our words together with each other had become shaky, even if we wanted something deeper.
Everything about us became different.
But more-so, something had changed within not just my relationship - but myself.
Something had changed within me, and it had done such damage to who I previously was that now I couldn't tell what I was feeling.
But even beyond that I had finally after 16 years of my lone, excluded life felt something for another human being.
I had felt something for the first time in my entire life.
And that was what I believed to be curiosity.
And that curiosity, I wanted to pursue.
Even if I knew the results of what might come.
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Sorry for the word count, I shouldn't have wrote so much.