Felix was cleaning his room, hoping he could distract himself from the mess inside his head with the mess in his room.
Just looking at his bedside table you got a glimpse of how his room looked. A total hot mess.
Right after torturing Thomas he had a manic episode. And it was bad.
Shards of glass from the bottles of alcohol were scattered on the carpet, some of them cutting right through the material and scratching the wood. Clothes thrown on random places like under the bed, in the bathroom and even in the bathtub.
Oh his bedside table were multiple buds from smoked cigarettes, a half finished tobacco, almost rotten food, destroyed makeup palettes and two bloody hobby blades.
Felix started panicking, checking his wrists and thighs but frowning when he didn't see cuts on his fading scars.
At least he didn't relapse.
But whose blood was that then?
Pursing his lips he got a litter bag, throwing everything from the bedside table in the bag but taking one of the blades and putting it in a little bag and placing it safely in his pocket.
Turning on the music in his earbuds he hummed the lyrics of the song, picking up the big pieces of shattered glass and placing them in the bag, hoping they would not cut it.
Collecting the clothes off the floor (and bathtub) he folded them and started organising them in his closet and drawer.
Placing a pair of socks in the drawer his movements came to a halt, his whole body tensing
His heart started beating faster as he felt the soft material brush against his fingers, remembering the specific day when he trained with Hyunjin for the first time and how it ended.
'I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you forever'
'This love consumes me. I am thirsty for it but I still drown in it. It hurts me, but heals me. It's a curse but also a cure, and they are the only one that could do this to me.'
'I am deeply in love with someone I cannot have'
Hyunjin's words swirled around Felix's mind, making him dizzy. Lately he started teasing Felix more and more especially during the training, Felix wanting to punch his face.
They stared at each other every time they had the chance. Eating each other alive with the piercing stares.
Felix felt weird, his stomach pulsating and twisting and his chest warming and buzzing thinking about those moments. And the fact that he knows now that Hyunjin loves him— even though it sounds so weird— made his breath get ragged, feeling like the sky was falling over him.
It was hard to breathe, perhaps because of the summer air. His stomach was sinking in such a good way, perhaps he was hungry?
But when he heard his heart pounding in his ears and slamming in his chest, he knew... it wasn't from the hot summer day or hunger.
You hate him.
I do.
He tried to calm down, lighting a cinnamon fragrant stick and putting a different crystal in his pocket.
Spiritual bitch.
Looking at the red ribbon hanging between his fingers so gracefully, he gulped. His entire body started getting hot at the thought that the piece of material was, a few weeks ago, in Hyunjin's hair.
Feeling his skin itching, he wanted to throw the ribbon in the garbage bag but instead found himself bringing it close to his face, smelling the soft scent of citrus and green apples.
Stop being a creep.
He smiles unconsciously, his body relaxing at the smell. Well, fuck.
He put the ribbon back in the drawer before taking the bags full of trash and taking them in the kitchen and throwing them in the garbage chute.
Dusting his hands he took the elevator to go into the basement to do a genetic test with the blood on the blade.
***
Seeing whose blood was on the blade made Felix's legs wobbly.
He took off the lab coat, throwing it on the hanger, walking hurriedly out of the basement but stopping when he saw a sticky note on the door of the torture room.
'I almost killed him, Lix. It was lovely watching the blood dripping down his chest'
Gulping, he rushed out of the room, taking the stairs, too worried to wait for the elevator.
Walking back in the living room, he saw Chan sitting on the sofa watching a random movie while playing with Jeongin's hair who was knocked out with his head resting on the elder's lap.
He sighed seeing the male apparently alive.
"Lix" he said after hearing the younger walk into the room. "Hey hyung" Felix muttered, smiling at Jeongin's face smushed against Chan's leg, hugging for dear life the olders's thigh.
They look cute together.
He sat in front of Chan and unbuttoned his dress shirt, making the older's eyes widen. "Um, don't you think it's not really appropriate to do something like this with Jeongin literally sleeping on me?" he chuckled, trying to stop Felix.
Swatting his hands away, "Shut up" he muttered. He groaned frustrated, his trembling fingers fumbling with the buttons of the shirt and Chan trying to push his hands away. Ripping open the shirt, Chan dropped his hands, sighing.
Ready to take off the bandage, Chan grabbed Felix's wrist stopping him "Don't" he said. "I'm going to rip your hair if you stop me one more time," Felix stared at Chan, clearly angry and pulling his arm away from the older's grasp, taking the bandage off.
Felix gasped seeing the wound he made. It was on his collarbone, 2 inches long and visibly deep.
"I did that and you didn't told me?" Felix muttered, seeing Jeongin shifting. Chan pulled the ripped shirt over his shoulder and buttoned the buttons that still were attached to the material "It isn't that bad"
"I could have touched your bone or cut the goddamn subclavian artery, Chan!" Felix gritted his teeth. "But you didn't" Chan said, moving gently Jeongin's head off his lap, getting up.
Felix bit his lip, following after Chan who was walking down the hallway. "I was half an inch close to kill you, are you fucking nuts?" Chan stopped walking, turning around and facing the younger. "So what?" " I almost killed you with a hobby blade that cuts paper. Fucking paper. And you're acting like I just bitten you"
"Then how do you want me to act? You told me you want space, so I am giving it to you" Chan said, taking off his ripped shirt and folding it messily.
"Are you stupid? I said I wanted some space, it was suffocating with you always breathing at the back of my neck 24/7 and because I am hurting you, but I did not ask to be ignored." Felix said, crossing his arms against his chest.
"Well it looks like you're enjoying your time while I ignore you" Chan smiled sarcastically. "What do you mean by that?" "You get along with Hyunjin pretty well, don't you?" "Am I not allowed to try to get along with my partner I have to work with daily?" the younger asked, his brow rising.
"Don't you hate him?"
"I asked, am I not allowed to try?"
"No"
Felix smirked, rolling his tongue inside his cheek "And why's that?"
"Because you're mine and I decide what's best for you."
Possessive much.
Wrap your hands around his neck and watch him choke to death.
Do it.
Felix's brows rose up as he took a step towards the older. "I didn't know I need your permission to do something I am forced to do anyway"
"I don't like him," Chan muttered, clenching his fist. "Neither do I! But I have to tolerate him"
"I don't want you near him."
His whole system stopped working. Did he hear that right?
Felix didn't understand why but hearing Chan say he didn't want him near Hyunjin made the younger shake in anger.
"You know what, Chan? I know what's best for me and I am tired of this shit— of you controlling my every move like I am your puppet and it's getting out of control along with my manic side. It is better if we end things right now" he said, uncrossing his arms and walking closer to the latter.
"Why? Wanna be single so you can make Hyunjin suck your dick too?"
That's it.
Letting his body move by itself, he slapped Chan, a red handprint left on his cheek.
Lately he found himself slapping Chan a lot.
"This is why. Watch your mouth before I kill you"
The older held his cheek, opening his mouth to speak but closing it when Felix grabbed his chin harshly. "Until you act like a real man and realise what you're doing, don't you dare go near me or I'll gladly chop your fingers off"
Footsteps echoed in the hallway "What is going on?"
Felix let go of Chan, stepping back hearing Changbin's voice. "Nothing," Chan said, rubbing his cheek and leaving.
Changbin frowned, looking at the leaving male and then at the younger. "Did you slap him?" Felix hummed, running his hand through his hair, trying to calm down.
"May I ask why?" Changbin muttered, walking slowly towards Felix and holding his shoulders, guiding him back to the living room.
"He's a bitch"
Forcing him to sit on the couch, the older sat beside him, watching him closely. "What happened?"
Letting out a shaky breath, Felix leaned closer to Changbin. "I broke up with him"
He felt the muscular arm hug his shoulders, rubbing his arm.
"Is everything okay?" Felix shook his head "Everything it's confusing"
Changbin frowned and looked at Felix, tucking away a strand of hair from Felix's face "Want to talk about it?"
Felix shrugged "He was always controlling and possessive and I ignored it because I thought he was doing it because he was older and more mature but now he stepped over the line, saying I am not allowed to try and get along with Hwang, for fucks shake. And during my manic episodes I always think of killing him and now I hurt him, I just wanted space but he ignored me"
Changbin pursed his lips, still rubbing Felix's arm. He always thought Felix and Chan were in a healthy and beautiful relationship.
They sat in silence before Felix blurted out a random question. "Have you ever loved someone, mochi? Like falling in love?" Changbin nodded.
"A long time ago" "And how did it feel like?" Frowning, the older gave Felix a puzzled look.
"Hm...tell me, how does it feel for you?"
Felix lowered his head, not knowing how to express his thoughts. Changbin chuckled softly, stroking the male's hair.
"Words have meaning and they come from somewhere, you know" the older stroked Felix's hair softly, making sure to not touch his skin. He knew he was uncomfortable with physical touch especially when he was upset.
"I don't know how it feels, " he whispered.
"Don't you love Chan?" "I do. But not like poetry says it is. I care about him and all but it's not warm or giddy, if you understand. It's only... plain. I don't even feel hurt that we broke up"
You don't love him. He doesn't deserve it anyway.
"Well, Felix. Everybody feels love in another way. Sometimes it's like an obsession but you still give them space even if you want them for yourself. You want them to be safe and okay even if they don't love you back—"
Changbin hugged Felix tighter "If you were the villain in the story, you would change and become the hero for your loved one. Even if they don't love you back, you try to be better for them and protect them with all cost even if in the end you die for them"
Felix looked at Changbin when he felt he was squeezing too hard. His eyes had a glint, confusing Felix, the male starting to feel overwhelmed.
Felix hugged him back and thought. He loved Chan, he was always beside him when the world became tougher. They were each other's grey, the good and the bad together, helping each other until they found their colour.
Why was Felix asking this? Was he in love with someone else? Changbin frowned, sinking into the couch.
After staying like that for minutes, Felix realised something and let go of the older.
They stared at each other and Changbin smiled at the younger when he saw that his eyes became glossy.
"Felix— did you find your white?" He muttered, stroking his cheek.
A tear fell on the most beautiful freckle on Felix's face, slowly running down his cheek as he still felt the ribbon's material between his fingers.
He gulped, feeling dizzy. "Yes. I think I did— and he is also my red"
Changbin smiled, feeling the urge to cry when he saw his best friend crying for the second time in his life. He saw Felix playing with the ring on his finger, looking at it confused and a slight blush on his cheeks.
In that moment he knew who made Felix feel like this and the shock was visible on his face, knowing too well from where's that ring. He shook his head when Jeongin entered the room with snacks.
"So you found out, huh?" Felix hummed, biting his lip "It's so confusing, I can't even process— fuck, I don't know what I'm even feeling"
He got up but Changbin held his wrist. "Take it easy, no need to rush, okay? He will wait an eternity for your answer"
"But why couldn't I just tell him no?" Felix sighed, rubbing his face. Changbin smirked, letting go of the younger's wrist "We both know the answer to that, Felix"
Jeongin sat beside Changbin, resting his head on his shoulder, his eyes swollen.
"Felix" the elder called after him. Felix stopped, wiping the tears and turning to face him. "Give it a try, you have nothing to lose— just don't kill him" he said. Felix nodded, chuckling. "Go and get the man"
Felix gulped, ready to turn around but Minho entered the room. "At 10 PM be ready. We have a mission." The males nodded and Minho looked at Felix "Sungie is waiting for you two in the lab" he said and left.
They went to the lab where he found Jisung in front of a table full of bullets and guns.