Chapter 70
I was expecting to feel Lexi's lips pressed on mine. I was expecting to finally be done with all the second guessing the second our lips would meet.
I was expecting to finally be honest about my feelings to Lexi after all this time.
But of course, when did I ever get what I wanted?
Instead, I got a twin yelling, "EVERYBODY RUN! IT'S PISSING CATS AND DOGS," making Lexi yelp in surprise, backing away from me once again.
So much for that second kiss...
The universe really didn't want us to kiss right now?
Trevor and Cameron were running towards us, slipping now and then in the mud, and quickly caught up with us, and then almost literally grabbing us to drag us away.
I was totally not on board with this turn of situation.
Like, not at all.
Sure, it started to rain really heavily, and okay, it could have been a little stupid if we'd just stayed there, in the cold and the rain.
But, it was a price I would have been ready to pay to kiss Lexi Grayson again. Pneumonia for a kiss? Any day.
I really had my priorities all wrong, right?
My parents would not be proud.
So, unreluctantly, I followed as Lexi ran away with the twins, everyone kinda laughing and screaming as we did.
When we reached the camps area, Lexi bolted straight for her own cabin, and I reluctantly headed to my own.
The moment had been ruined, the opportunity missed, by rain and stupid twins.
Once I was inside with the twins I kicked their asses.
Literally.
"Hey, hey, HEY! What's that for?" Trevor whined.
"Y'all really can't read a room, can you?" I whined, and tried kicking them again.
The guys that were gathered in the cabin looked our way, curious about the commotion.
"What?" Cameron whined, while Trevor just ran away to hide in the bathroom.
Trevor, the forever coward.
"What's going on?" Mark asked, laughing.
"THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW?" Cameron yelled, as I grabbed his neck in headlock and tried to kick his shins as I did.
"You and your brother ruined the moment!"
"WHAT MOMENT?"
"What's going on?" Fred, asked too, walking out of his room.
Cameron and I were kind of spinning around, while I held his head in lock in the crook of my arm, trying to potentially throw him on the ground and inflict him enough pain for both of them.
"Come on guys, use your words, not violence," Mark said, laughing.
"TELL THAT TO HIM!" Cameron whined, and I finally let him go, glaring at him.
"You're on my shit list for the next hour," I just told him and headed to the bathroom.
"WHAT DID I DOOOOO?" Cameron whined after me, still completely clueless.
I wasn't going to say it out loud though.
I couldn't possibly say it out loud.
You stopped me and Lexi from kissing.
It felt like saying out loud would... make in unreal somehow. Which made no sense.
Because the fact that Lexi Grayson had almost kissed me made no freaking sense.
I'd left my muddy shoes by the entry and now I was realizing how ruined my clothes were.
My little dip in the pond had left its trace.
I had dead leaves stuck in the bottom of my pants, and mud stuck by the waistline of my pants.
Trevor was still hiding in one of the bathroom stalls when I got in, so I loudly threatened him again, and then headed to the showers.
Lexi was probably doing the same thing.
Thinking that was a bad idea right now.
In my head, Lexi had followed me here. She hadn't gone her way. And now I was pressing her against the wall and kissing her.
My hormones were going wild.
She would have kissed me. She wanted to kiss me. Whether it had been a random lack of better judgement or it was something she actually wanted for a while didn't matter.
She wanted me. This was all that matter. Even if it was for just a second.
God, I was going to go mad.
Because I wanted her so much. And for more than just a second.
And wanted her for every second I would be allowed.
I quickly got out of the shower.
It was useless to do this to myself.
Lexi was close by.
She'd almost kiss me.
If it wasn't a complete lack of better judgement on her part... maybe she'd want to do it again.
And I needed to be beside her, if the envy ever crossed her mind.
"What was that all about?" Fred asked me, as I headed to the front door to run to the main cabin.
I just waved the matter away, putting on the other pair of shoes I had brought.
I heard Fred laugh at my antic as I rushed out.
Once I got to the main cabin, I looked around, trying to find Lexi. She wasn't on the first floor, so I headed to the second, and peaked in her room, but couldn't spot her.
"She's in the showers," one of the girls said to me, chuckling.
No name. Just she. I was really that obvious, wasn't I?
I thanked her, and leaned against the wall by the door of the bathroom, waiting for my Pumpkin.
I wished I had thought of bringing my phone, so I could check if either of my wives had answered me. Maybe I'd have better service here.
Instead, I just waited, trying not to roll my eyes at the girls laughing at me as they passed by me, knowing exactly what was going on here.
And what was going on was that I was Lexi's obedient little bitch, waiting for her.
I walked into the bathroom at that point, to stop being judged.
All the bathrooms and showers were separated stalls, so it wasn't like I was a complete creep.
Finally, Lexi walked out of a stall.
She looked at comfy in her sweater, her long hair in a lazy bun, smelling clean.
I should be allowed to hug her right now. Almost kissing me should bump me up from hand holding privileges to hugging privileges.
"I thought you'd be the kind to sing in the shower. You know people who horribly sing usually do in the shower," I told her, the second she walked out.
Yes, Blake, that was good, keep it light. Don't pin her against a wall. You know what happens when you go too fast with her. She runs the other way.
Yes, joking was safe.
I'd ask about my hugging privileges later.
And anyway, right now my Pumpkin looked like I almost gave her a heart attack, dropping everything in her hands on the ground.
I leaned against the wall, looking at her, a little amused... but also a little turned on because she was hot and I had almost kissed her and she was right in front of me again and I could just take a few steps and try again.
"Oh my god, seriously Blake I think that's crossing a line, even for you," Lexi said, a hand pressed on her chest, looking both annoyed and amused at the same time.
Yes, I really needed to chill. I was definitely close to crossing a line when it came to her.
"Hey, don't try to make me believe you think you sing well," I joked, ignoring what she actually meant.
Lexi let out a pained sound, rolling her eyes at me. "No, I mean stalking me when I take my shower."
"I was just waiting patiently," I defended myself.
"You have issues," Lexi reminded me.
Yes, I really really had issues.
But, I was also dramatic. "Ouch," I replied, pressing my hand over my heart, like she'd just punched me there.
"Don't take it badly, Blakey-Boy," Lexi replied, using that lame nickname of hers. Between us, I was clearly better at coming up with nicknames.
She grabbed the clothes she had dropped on the ground and walked out.
"What are you doing?" I asked with a smile, following her.
Her shirt was kind of dropping off her shoulder. This was a problem, giving me view and well, potential access really, to another patch of skin of hers.
This girl was really going to be the death of me.
"Gonna dry my hoodie, since I don't have a dry one anymore," she replied, and made a show to glare at me to remind me that this was entirely my fault and then added with a satisfied little smile. "You're giving me that hoodie by the way."
It was funny the way she was saying it, like I would actually be against it. Like I would actually not want her wearing my hoodie.
Shaking my head, I complied easily with her demand and took my hoodie off.
Lexi looked way too happy for my own well being while putting it on.
Wait, did she smell it?
I pressed my lips together to stop from laughing.
My adorable, adorable Pumpkin.
I followed Lexi as she headed back to her room, and didn't wait for her to hang her clothes. I just went up to her bunk again.
I settled in her bed, feeling all kinds of giddy, because she wasn't screaming at me to get out.
"You like my bunk bed, don't you," Lexi teased me, looking at me.
"It has a lot of desirable aspects," I admitted and to my surprise, but like not complete surprise because I'd kind of expected it too, Lexi climbed up the ladder and joined me on the bed, lying beside me.
I closed my eyes.
I fought against the urge of turning a little and cuddling against her.
"I talked with Emily," Lexi said softly.
I smiled a little. Of course, she did. My Pumpkin was always curious. "Tied her up and beat the confession out of her?"
"Nope, she blurted it out, all by herself," Lexi answered, sounding proud.
I hoped Emily wasn't too annoyed with the fact she had to have that conversation with Lexi.
It wasn't that she didn't like Lexi or anything, but talking about that kind of stuff was never... well fun. And apparently hanging out with me meant having to explain the whys to Lexi Grayson now.
What a strange realization...
"So you know?" I just said, not wanting to hint at anything specific in case Emily hadn't told her the whole story.
"Yeah," Lexi trailed and with that tone of voice.
Yeah. She knew now.
Unintentionally, this had brought a dark mood to the moment. It was okay, I was used to being reminded of sadder things.
I should be talking about these things with Lexi. She knew about Jayden. I'd never felt like she was treating me differently because of it.
Still, it was strange to talk about that with her. I'd always closed myself off when it came to my feelings.
My grief, my love, I always kept them hidden deep inside.
But if I'd learn anything lately, it was that I shouldn't.
I should open up more. I should stop thinking that sharing things with Lexi would make her like me less.
It was just easier to talk about these things with people that knew how it felt. It didn't mean that Lexi couldn't understand me because she hadn't experience death the way Emily and I had. Grieving wasn't some kind of exclusive club.
Lexi understood grief to some extent too after all. She lost her family unit.
Losing my brother... it was... like something in me had completely shifted. I'd lost him, and gained something else in return, but not something good, something dark and painful.
Something I wish I could trade back and have my brother instead.
He'd been my hero and the one I always looked up to. He'd been the guiding light in my life. And I found myself in the dark without him.
I could say this. I could share this.
I should stop keeping Lexi out of my heart.
Unfortunately, it was hard to change bad habits.
But I could try.
Now or never.
"The changes wrought by death are in themselves so sharp and final, and so terrible and melancholy in their consequences, that the thing stands alone in man's experience, and has no parallel upon earth. It outdoes all other accidents because it is the last of them. Death does not take them away utterly, but leaves behind a mocking, tragical, and soon intolerable residue, which must be hurriedly concealed," I found myself quoting.
It was easier to use someone else's words rather than my own. Anyway, Stevenson had found better words than I ever could.
"Who are you quoting?" Lexi whispered.
"Robert Louis Stevenson in his essay, Aes Triplex," I replied.
"You're both trying to conceal the missing part?" Lexi asked, understanding what I was trying to share.
"Yeah..."
"How's it going for you?" she asked me and then suddenly her hand was taking mine, her fingers grazing the skin of my palm, almost giving me shivers.
"Better and better every day," I found myself admitting.
It actually surprised me because I wasn't lying.
I did feel like I was getting better.
Doctor Boseman definitely helped.
But also wanting to stop feeling like this, that was what really made a difference.
Before, it had felt... like missing my brother and hurting myself with my grief helped in not forgetting him.
If I stopped missing him, if I stopped being hurt from losing him... then I'd truly lose him.
Somehow I thought my grief could keep him with me a little while longer.
But Jayden was gone and my grief wasn't going to change that.
And Jayden wouldn't want me to keep feeling like this.
"She said she was glad to talk about him," Lexi started to say, snapping out of my own thoughts, talking about Emily. "Is it that way? With you? Do you always want to talk about him?"
I sighed and closed my hand around hers.
I had hand holding privileges after all. I could do what I wanted.
So I brought her hand to my chest, pressing it against my heart.
Lexi's hand, once again protecting my heart.
"Well sure I want to talk about him, but it's not the same you know, losing your brother compared to losing the one you love because sometimes you don't even like your brother, or you just aren't that close, but of course you might actually love your sibling but it's not the same connection, you know?" And I was rambling and someone should shut me up because I wasn't making sense, but I just kept going, because my Pumpkin's hand was on my heart and it was okay to be honest with her, even if it made no sense. "When you love someone you want to shout it to the world and talk about her all the time to the point you piss off people and you sound obsessive so it's already bad..."
"Talking from experience Blake?" Lexi asked.
Yes. Yes, I was.
Because I loved her and I could imagine what Emily was going through if I let myself imagine how it would feel like if my Pumpkin loved me and I would have lost her.
But I wasn't losing her.
I smiled at that thought, tracing lines on her hand, never wanting to let go. "Always."
I saw Lexi's little smirk form the corner of my eye. "You mean you and Stacey, it's the real deal?" she teased me.
I laughed, at how ridiculous that was. "Oh yes, Stacey has enchanted me with her beauty, I cannot suppress my love for her," I joked.
Unfortunately, this was the moment Stacey decided to show up in the room.
"Did you just say I was hot?" she screeched.
"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant," I replied automatically, not even looking her way.
I had Lexi's hand in mine. I had no time to deal with Stacey's bullshit.
"What?" she asked.
"I just wonder if I asked you to disappear from this room, would your answer be the same as the one to this question?"
"Are you like dumb?" Stacey just replied, but did do what I had intended and left the room.
The universe apparently liked me for the first time today.
Lexi and I looked at each other at that moment and both laughed together.
There was something magical about having that kind of complicity with Lexi.
"Good ones," Lexi said, nodding in approval.
"Second one was a pick-up line actually," I admitted.
"And how's it working for you?" she asked, amused.
"When I ask for sex the result is better," I joked.
That was a lie. That pick up line had never worked, because people just ignored me when I'd used it.
Being ignored or looked at with confusion was actually the most common response to Josh and I's pick-up lines.
Lexi replied with a little, "Wow" not looking pleased suddenly.
Oh. Was my Pumpkin jealous again?
I didn't want to assume anything, but it was also better to be safe than sorry. "Don't worry, it's for pick up line night," I told her.
She looked at me confused. "Huh?"
Oh, right, that made little sense for her. "Josh and I go out and try pick up lines on girls to amuse ourselves and see which lines actually work."
"And? You're getting a lot of girl home?"
I chuckled. Definitely not. That was never the point anyway.
I wasn't sure exactly sure why we did it, to be honest. I didn't even remember what Josh had said specifically to convince me to do it. Josh was good at convincing people. "It's more like we're getting a lot of slaps," I said with amusement.
"So what? It's like one of your and Josh's activities?"
Yeah, that probably sounded weird. "Yep."
Lexi suddenly let out a sigh. "I honestly don't know a lot of things about you. I don't even know what's your favourite colour."
A detail really. But it warmed my heart and made it beat faster to have her admit this out loud.
She cared about me enough to want to know about trivial little things. "Try and guess it," I told her with a smile.
I was curious, wanting to know if she knew me better than I had assumed.
"Dark blue," Lexi said, tentatively.
I smiled so happy. "Yup, good guess."
Lexi gave my hand a little squeeze. My heart stopped for half a second. "I want to know why now."
I smiled at her. I'd never get tired of this girl. Ever. "Clever little girl. The sky at night, you know right before morning when you can see Pluto. The sky is this dark blue. And there's just this split second where the time seems to stop and everything is so peaceful and for a split second, I actually believe things will be okay. That's why I love dark blue," I admitted.
"When you say things like that, I feel so stupid," Lexi suddenly admitted.
She shouldn't. I said a lot of dumb things in general.
"I'm sure you have a good reason why green is your favourite," I replied.
And even if she didn't, that didn't matter. You shouldn't have to give reasons for liking things.
Sometimes you just liked them.
I just gave a silly explanation for dark blue because I read too much cheesy poetry.
"How the frack did you know that?" Lexi suddenly gasped, raising herself a little to look at me beside her.
"When we were younger you used to wear a green dress almost everyday for a while," I reminded her.
That green dress of hers. It was the first thing I ever saw her wear. Green was her colour.
She wore so much of it. Her school bag was green. A lot of her school furniture also was.
Honestly, you'd have to be blind not to see Lexi Grayson's favourite colour was green.
"It could have been some phase or my mom forced me," Lexi tried to reason with me.
"You still wear that colour a lot," I pointed out.
"You're freaky," Lexi just replied.
I tried not to laugh. I was freaky for having eyes?
"Thanks. So? Story?" I pressed, wanting to know if there was a reason behind it
"Green looks nice?" my Pumpkin admitted, almost guiltily.
No rhyme or reason. She just loved it because she did.
For some reason it made me love he more.
Lexi loved things without a reason.
Maybe she could like me without one too?
_______________________
Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3
I have a soft spot for this chapter. I love the way Blake is getting better mentally, I love his goofing around with the guys, and I love his interactions with Lexi. And I love the end of the chapter. I want to be a writer specifically for that feeling I get when I write things like the four last lines of this chapter.
I hope you loved this chapter too. It comes very soon after the last one! :P
It's my last Smirking Jerk upload of 2021. I'll see you guys again in 2022! XD It's crazy. I can't believe I've basically uploaded once a week all year long. That's 52 chapters. (actually more because I uploaded chapters are presents a couple of times too) I've been so bad at being consistant. This is definitely somethign I'm proud of! I hope you guys enjoyed my efforts. <3
It's my last night at my Mom's place today. I'm going back to my apartment tomorrow. Holidays with my family are over. I'm a little sad. I wished I had more time. I'm VERY nostalgic. I'm pretty sure you could have seen that from my stories. XD
Ah. Time passes too quickly!
Alright. I gotta finish writing the chapters for Patreon. I owe them a couple of chapters at least. 0_0 Lexi is staring at Blake's chest right now. ;P
BYE BYE! See you all next year! ;P