Be Me: CXVII
Markos couldn't speak. He felt frozen, stuck to his seat on the floor like he had so many times before. He fidgeted with his fingers, listening to Riu and Alekzandr talk. Was that all he was now? Someone who stood idly by while others could express what he could not? His body was tired, he stayed up all night not wishing to discard the time he was gifted with. To be sane.. Free of voices entirely. No hiccups, no cracks. Could he finally think properly? The thought brought him small tears.
"Markos." He snapped back to reality, again. When Riu called out his name. She sat against the wall with a hand on Alekzandr. Her white hair was combed neatly despite their altercation with the cat. Her smile was faint and barely visible, but he swore he saw a trace of hope in her icy gold flecked blue eyes.
"Yeah?" He pursed a lip, Markos.. To actually feel that name again. It was mesmerizing, intoxicating, it.. Made him fidget more and more, he was giddy. This was.. So nice.
"If I could.. What's the meaning behind that ring you keep fidgeting with?" It was so, so.. What? He frowned, before noticing his left hand wrapped around the ornate black ring on his necklace. A pit grew in his stomach.
"Hgh!" He viciously yanked the necklace off, pulling it away from him as harshly as he could, he heard the chain's back snap. His arm recoiled and he attempted to throw the thing aside. "I- N-no!" His voice slipped, he bent over clutching at his splitting head. His arm lowered rapidly while he fought his own instincts. No.. throw it.. Throw it! He wanted so badly to throw the ornament as far as possible. Yet something.. Stopped him. "I-I" He hadn't even noticed he still had it on.. After his shower, after his change of clothes. How was that even possible?
"M-Markos?" Riu gasped. "What's wrong?" She leaned forward, her eyes full of worry. He cupped his face holding back tears, he repeatedly thrust his arm back and forth in feeble attempts to let go of the object. He.. couldn't.. He felt Alekzandr's eyes on him, a sudden concern. His arms trembled. Markos slowly opened his palm observing the small black ring. His mind swelled with hate, fear, and.. Longing. Dammit, he hated it all. "Markos." She leaned in, setting a hand on his arm, lowering it to his lap. "What.. is that?" He looked down to the floor, biting his lip in shame.
"It.. It's a gift.. From my god." He whispered. He hated how his voice floated for the briefest of seconds when he mentioned his god. It was.. Different, he knew the truth but.. A coldness in his arms made him long for something.
"Cthulhu?" Riu prodded. Her eyes were so full of concern, so very worried for him. "Cthulhu gave you a ring?"
"No.." he shook his head. "Not, Cthulhu. It's.. she's.. Something different.. G-greater.. M-my.. uh.." He started. Feeling the pit forming in his stomach.
"Who?" Riu reached out brushing an out of place hair on his head.
"I.. N.. I can't.." He stuttered badly, feeling fear entrench him. "I can't say her name.." He admitted pathetically, he felt tears. Damn he was already crying. The lack of voices didn't do anything to halt his depression. "I-I.. call her Uheo." he whispered. Darting his eyes around the room he feared retribution. It wasn't technically his own..
"Uhaoh?" Riu pronounced each syllable carefully. He flinched, when.. Was the last time he'd heard someone else say that? Time felt lost on him. He bit his lip trying his best not to laugh. It was.. Funny right? His life was funny.
"Y..yeah.." He couldn't tell for one fleeting second whether the spell was working or not. Was he.. In fact sane? If so, why did his body shiver in.. excitement, while his brain did so in fear.
"Why can't you say their name?" She scooted closer. Dammit, he wished he could answer a question like that. Things were never that simple, it was.. Indescribable. A feeling and sensation to stand in that thing's presence, a truly isolating grip that held you. Why couldn't he just be normal! Be him!
".. Because I can't.." The answer felt like a cop-out, maybe that's what it was. The floorboards creaked under his trembling body, for once even Alekzandr seemed concerned with his matters more than what they were originally talking about. Riu seemed dissatisfied with that answer, narrowing her own eyes in concern. Did he deserve this? To be cared for in any kind of way? The heat from the fireplace did little to stop his shivers, maybe perfect sanity for a single day wasn't worth it. Maybe it just reminded him of all the things he couldn't have.
"Is the ring.. Special?" Special.. Oh gods.. Is it special? Markos shook his head furiously holding back tears, he couldn't answer that! Not now.. What.. what would they think of him? Wearing something like this after.. After.. No. no. no.
"No." He lied finally. An answer was an answer. At least he could tell her something, she was being nice.
"Meoowww." all three of them flinched instantly, Markos glanced over his shoulder the excitement and longing in his stomach never left, god's he was sick in the head. 'What the fuck is wrong with you Markos?!' He screamed internally. Snaking around Alekzandr's leg was the small cat the one he'd helped Riu take care of. It had seemed to have calmed down from earlier.
"What is this?" Alekzandr quizzed, his voice was hoarse and split apart from crying, but he seemed to be mildly amused. The soldier leaned over, scooping the cat up into his arms. "Wow, such a small little kitty.. You must eat." Oh that was quite hear warming-
"Ghaa! Alekz no!" Riu screamed, the soldier looked up confused , still tilting the vodka flask towards the cat's mouth. "You can't- feed it vodka!" A moment passed without a word. Markos reached down, finally summoning the strength to stare at his ring. She was.. So.. horrible- no kind, terrible! Soft.. Damn his own body. What was it that made him so happy to think about her?
"But.. Vodka?" The drunk finally answered. Steadily though he did drop the little flask pulling the cat in closer to his chest. While petting the new animal Alekzandr seemed to stare intently at the fireplace, contemplating.. Something. "You will make your parents proud Riu." Alekz whispered, his voice was barely louder than the crackling fire, the hot red tongues lapped at the chimney like a dog in a water bowl. He hadn't forgotten how either of those sensations felt.
"I.." The Aasimar seemed to be caught off guard, only a few moments ago was she crying herself. "Thank you.." Her face glanced away, probably not nearly as happy as she let on to seem. "I just don't know what to do.." Her voice broke again. "They were.. Insurmountable, massive, and figures of the community, what do you do with a legacy like that?"
"Maybe nothing." Alekzandr shrugged, the drunk dropped his flask to the floor. "Maybe you forget about it.. And embrace yourself."
"I can't forget my family's legacy, I have.. Responsibilities.. So many responsibilities." Riu's voice trailed off.
"You smile when you hold the ring." His heart dropped. Alekzandr leaned over, with still wet eyes. Yes, he did.. He wasn't proud of it. "And yet you cry when you are looking at it. Comrade.. I have seen many things, I have grieved them all. But whatever is going on in that mind.. Well, you should never flinch when you touch something like you're about to be hit, and still smile with that." w-what? He.. he knew that. He knew that! Or.. oh god's he didn't know anymore. Riu crashed into his right arm, Markos flinched instantly trying to pull away, but the Aasimar was stronger than he'd assumed.
"N-no! D-don't she'll.. She'll get jealous- oh fuck not again, not again.." He reached up clutching at his head shaking in utter fear, there was desperation with every pull at his hair, almost as if trying to claw the memories out. That didn't work. "I wanna be me.. I wanna be me.." He shook furiously, rocking back and forth with small quick breaths.
"Markos." The name spread a calm cooling sensation across his body like a healing potion. "Markos, listen." His green eyes met her blue ones. She looked.. So concerned for him? No.. that wasn't possible. Was it? "You're ok.. You're ok.."
He sighed, it wasn't necessarily the feeling of defeat but instead that of anguish. He didn't want to hurt any more people! Not in her name. No, he couldn't let him hurt any more people. With the party, he felt calm and safe at times. Yet with all that he knew deep down, he wasn't ok.
"Thank you.. Riu.. Thank you Alekz." he felt like he was saying those names for the first legitimate time, with no noise in his ears, no distractions from the truth that was laid so bare in front of his eyes. With a gentle tug he pulled Asher's old black cloak tighter around him, he was sweating and by a fire, but the air still felt cold.
"Vot tam kotenok, idi syuda, tebya nakormit, sekret vodki.." Alekzandr spoke Rushiki while cradling the cat. Markos and Riu started to chuckle watching him rock it back and forth like a little baby. "Ohhh.. Segiri would have loved you! Little kitty I shall name you small Segiri! Wait, no. I shall name you; Yarost'." Markos giggled listening to the drunk man speak to his new cat. With Riu's arms wrapped around him, Markos felt oddly trapped. It was somehow comforting. But every single time anyone moved, it only made him flinch more. It only seemed to make Riu more and more concerned.
"She.. did things to me.." His voice was soft and close to the floor, he stared down blinking out little tears when he spoke. "Everyday, t-things I.. mmm no! In the far realms. Time.. and healing don't work the same.." It wasn't wholly true, he.. Didn't have to feel all of it, experience all of it. Only watch. Only watch on from the back seat. With a quick glance, he knew Riu was taken aback, he'd never shared this information with anyone. Well, not counting.. One. "To have my eyes plucked out so I would bumble into walls like a blind child." With every word his voice broke even further, his tears spilled out quicker. "And with every bit of it I was sealed just a little bit further in the back of my own head! I-I wanna be me.. Free... I.. don't wanna be insane! I want to be myself!" Everything started to spill out at once like he'd broken a damn and wasn't unable to halt it any further. The sensations engulfing his body were like nothing else.
"I-I'm sorry.. I'm sorry Markos- what.." Riu stumbled over her words, gods what was he thinking?! What could these two possibly say to aid him? To help him? He'd shoved this load off his chest only to toss it onto others' laps.
"Why can't we hate her?!" Markos continued to wail. Fuck! Stop it! Stop it! "I don't wanna be hurt anymore.. I.. wanna be me.." He kept saying it over and over, maybe just maybe if he said it enough times it would simply come true? The voices would never crawl back into his ears! Right? "I-I.. even.." he held up his hand in desperation revealing the long cut raised against his palm. "I even cut myself for her.. Just so she had my blood again.." He quivered.
"Markos!" Riu screamed. He snapped out of his depressive rant, his lips still trembling and shaking. Maybe he should go see Adleth.. She.. no, that wasn't fair. Riu's gold flecked spectacles glittered with anguish, she leaned in pulling his body into a hug. Alekzandr joined as well, coming in from the left. For a brief second, he sat there shivering into the other two's arms.
"I.. don't wanna be crazy anymore." Markos croaked, he kept crying, staining whatever Alekz and Riu were wearing. With a small desperate nudge, he attempted to cast a spell to summon his Familiar, the magic was too difficult to concentrate on, especially with the necklace.
"I..." Riu didn't seem to know what to say, what do you say?
"I wanna be me.. Here.. without everything.. Without grasps or hold.. Chains or leashes. I don't wanna.. I don't want to be him! I don't want voices.. Or insanity.. Oh gods.. Fuck. Alekz please-" Markos pulled away. The realization hit him like the smell of fire, something he hadn't even considered before.. Twenty four hours.. "I-i'm gonna be locked in the back again! I-i c-can't no, that's not fair! I want to be me! ME! Don't let me get locked up-" No! With his free hand, he pulled forth the only magic that didn't tie him to the far realms. Simple elvish incantation. With a fold of space, Segiri appeared in his hands. He hastily pointed the barrel at himself scrambling around the room.
"Wha- what are you doing?!" Alekz demanded. However, his rageful face turned sour a second later.
"P-please.. Alekz- I-I don't want to go back- I don't want to be insane- I can't! I can't live like that! S-she won't let me die pleas- please let me die! Alekz Please.. I wanna be me.. Please!" He pointed the barrel at his own head lifting the rifle up in the air. Alekzandr stood across the room in shock horror, never moving an inch. "AGH!" He dropped the rifle to the ground and collapsed into a small ball, be me.. Not that.. Not crazy.. He agonized over his own brain for what felt like hours, wishing only that he had the strength to die. Though, he knew deep down, in some twisted form of love.. She would never let that happen.