We were on top of the table going into Christmas break. I had planned to go up to Manchester for Christmas, and spend it with my family, however, Covid had different plans. All of England was in a massive lockdown and I wasn't allowed to leave London. I was stuck, without my family, in a city, where I was alone. But we still trained and the season continued throughout the lockdown.
"What are you doing for Christmas?" Sam asked me, as we stretched before training.
"At this point, nothing."
"Ok, well, Indi was thinking about putting together a small Christmas dinner for all the girls who can't go home for Christmas. Because, obviously, neither Inds or I can, and I assume you can't? And Jill can't. She asked me to invite you."
"Yeah, that sounds great. Inds is the sweetest."
"Yeah, she is," Sam replied, smiling.
"'So, it's going to be me, you, Indi, Jill...?" I asked Sam.
"Yeah, you, me, Indi, Jill, Caitlin, and Lia." I nodded my head, happy with the group. I knew Leah would be able to go home for Christmas, as her family lives in London.
We trained that day, and then had one game left before the Christmas break. We were versing Benefica in the round of 32 for the Champions League. Thankfully, it was at Kingsmeadow, not Portugal, which meant no travelling for the game.
I started the game, alongside Sam, Guro, Niamh, Erin, Jessie, Sophie, Hannah, Millie, Carly, and Beth. It was an okay game by our standards. We won, 3-0, with a brace from Bethany and a goal from Sam. We were through to the round of 16, which was a relief, as we were all nervous about it.
The next week, leading up to Christmas, I spent organising myself and relaxing after a long time without a break. I would lay in my bed, soaking up the time I had to just breathe, and take a second. Leah messaged me, a couple days before Christmas, with something I didn't expect.
Leah: Can we talk, please?
Ettie: sure, what do you need?
Leah: can i come over?
Ettie: are you sure thats a smart idea?
Leah: yes im sure. Ill see you in 20.
I was going to see Leah. I hadn't seen her since Chelsea played Arsenal and won. I'm not sure if I wanted to see her, but she wanted to see me, and I couldn't say no to her. I still can't say no to her.
As I heard a knock on my door, a drop occurred in my stomach. I was nervous. Nervous to see her. To talk to her. Everything. I opened the door, and saw her standing there. Her blonde hair out over her shoulders, wearing a white sweatshirt and pants. She looked at me, smiling softly.
"Hey," she said to me, softly, her London accent so prevalent in her voice.
"Hi," I said back. I bit my lip slightly, nervous about what was happening. "Come in, it's cold out there." I opened the door more for her, and she stepped into the apartment. The apartment that we kissed in. The apartment that she came into my room when she couldn't sleep. The apartment where I fell once again for Miss Leah Williamson.
"Do you want a cup of tea?" I asked her.
"Yeah, that sounds great," she replied, sitting at the table while I brewed us two teas.
"Is everything okay?" I asked, not wanting to look her in the eyes.
"I don't know Ettie, is everything okay?" I turned to her, when she said this. We both knew everything wasn't okay. We both knew it.
"Okay," I said, placing the tea down in front of her, "I guess everything isn't fine." She sat while I stood, separated by the countertop. I took a sip of my tea, again avoiding eye contact.
"Ett, I don't know what to do, I can't lose you."
"You had me, Leah. You had me again. I've gone through this twice. You keep putting me in these situations, and I'm over it."
"I'm sorry, I am."
"Yeah, well, sometimes "sorry" doesn't cut it anymore." She looked at me, heartbroken. But I was too.
"Ettie, please don't be like this." I understood I was being rash, and harsh, but how things ended, broke me. Broke me into tiny little pieces, and I was going to let that happen again.
"Be like what? Leah, when I got that call, I was heartbroken. I was shattered. And who could I tell? Who could I talk to? No one. I had no one. I'm not going to let myself go through that again. You know I have been through my fair share of shit things over the last few years, and I'm not going to let that happen to myself again. I will not."
After I had completed my rant, she looked at me blankly, but with understanding. I turned away and walked over to the sink.
"I ended things with Jordan." I turned around and looked at her, my eyebrows raised slightly, not believing what I was hearing. "I felt shit. Really shit. I couldn't go on lying to myself and her." She stood up from her chair and walked over to where I was standing. I had my back towards her as I leant over the sink. I could feel her breath behind me, and as I stood up straight, she put her head on my shoulder. Her hands found my own, as she whispered into my neck, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." She placed a small kiss on my collarbone, wrapping her arms around my waist. This is what I wanted for so long. I wanted to be close with Leah.
"Lee," I whispered to her, as she placed soft kisses down my neck. I turned around, and looked at her. But when I stared into her eyes, somehow, all I saw was the heartbreak she caused me. All I could see was the person who broke me into small pieces. "I don't know if I can do this." I moved out of her grasp, and walked out of the kitchen. I leant against the wall near the bench top, with my head in my hands, as she was glued to the kitchen floor. "I can't forget that easily. I'm sorry, I just can't." She nodded her head, understanding.
"Will we ever get to that place again?" she asked me, vulnerably.
"I don't know. I don't know."
"Well, I will wait for you." I looked up at her as she said this, in awe of her forwardness. She will wait for me. She will wait for me. She had me, she had all of me. Out of respect for myself, I can't go running back to her, even though I really want to.
"Leah, you know what I want. You know what I've wanted since I was sixteen. It was always her or me, and you chose her. You always chose her. I can't help but think this is a recurring pattern. I need to respect myself, and if I came running back to you, for a third time, that isn't respecting myself. At all."
"I understand, but this time, I chose you. I broke up with her, for you. Everything I did, I thought about you."
"Me?" I asked her, shyly.
"Yes, you Ettie, it has always been you."
Hearing those words, it felt like something lit within me, but I didn't say anything. I didn't have words. Nothing could come out of my mouth.
"I think I should go," Leah said, quietly, "I'm really sorry, Ettie. Really, really sorry." She walked to the door, and left, closing it behind her. She was gone. She had left. A tear slipped down my face, and as it slid down, I knew I couldn't stay back. I wanted her. I wanted her more than anything. I grabbed my keys, and left the apartment, closing the door behind me.
Note:
- I hope you guys r enjoying it soo far
- I may be coming out w chapters a little more irregularly just cause of school and what not but I'm going to try n write some more tomorrow cause I'm too invested in this now lol