Skinny Love - Birdy
Close As Strangers - 5 Seconds of Summer
Covering Your Tracks - Amy Stroup
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Zayn POV
It's a shit show. Everything is dark in the world and I don't deserve to see it any other way. I want to call her - I want to call her, to get on the next plane and chase after her but I can't bring myself to do it.
My phone is destroyed, smashed against the wall of the room. The room with four dark walls that keep me entrapped in my rage and drunken stupor. I can't believe anything that is happening right now.
It feels as if someone stuck their hand directly into my chest and grabbed my heart, ripped it out with their bare hands. This pain is so much different than any pain I have ever felt and I want more than anything for it to be gone.
I take a drink from the bottle next to me, staring at the destroyed room - the darkness I sit alone in.
"Zayn." I hear a light voice call. My world brightens with hope - only for one second, only for one fleeting moment until the darkness rips it from me yet again.
Where I hope to see my angel, dark hair and light eyes... I instead see Sarah who stands at the door, staring at me. I glare at her, my vision blurring but attempting to stay focused on her. She walks in slowly and sighs, taking a look around the room.
"I don't need your fucking judgment." I clench my jaw - waiting for her to share her words regardless of what I say.
Sarah instead shakes her head and sits down next to me on the bed. She takes a moment before looking over to me and stares at me for a moment. I stare back, confused about what she is doing.
"Stop feeling bad for yourself. Stop with this pity party. Now." She states calmly, watching me as I try to stare at her. I ignore her words and take another drink.
"You don't know what it feels like." I barely manage to say to her. It's quiet... It's quiet for a long time.
"I do." She nods. "I know what it's like to make shit decisions in life, I've done bad things too... Things that are not at all good." She mumbles. "Things that no one knows about."
Sarah having dark secrets? Sarah having something she's ashamed of? Seems almost impossible for that to be happening.
"Like what?" I laugh at her - Sarah always seemed to float through life, according to Juliet as well. The girl didn't have issues getting whatever the hell she wanted.
"You can't tell a soul." She firmly states. "Not even Niall and especially not Juliet."
Juliet POV
I smile at Sarah as we walk down the sidewalk, eating our ice cream. The summer breeze passing by, everything just so calm and nice. Sarah smiles at me and stops walking, shaking her head.
"What?" I laugh, smiling at her.
"When are you going to realize you're the problem?" She asks. I feel my smile fall and my eyebrows knit together. I stare at her and shake my head slowly,
"What?" I ask again. But she's staring behind me, so I turn. I turn to see nothing, when I turn back I see nothing still. I'm left alone, on the sidewalk, no one nearby.
"You're not good enough Julie." I feel my stomach tighten and my lungs stop taking air. I slowly turn to him, he stands there, opposite of me, hands in pockets and a smile on his lips.
His hair slightly messy, his light green eyes watching me carefully, everything about him just perfectly fine. I glance down at the sidewalk that begins to crumble beneath me, my eyes return to him.
"You've never been good enough. You're not worth my time, you're not worth my love or commitment." He states.
"Matt..." I trail off, staring at him in confusion.
"That's why I cheated. You were never enough. You're sad and pathetic, no one could fully love you." He laughs at me. My chest hurting from his words.
"Matt." I repeat, shaking my head - not sure what else to say.
"Don't blame him." His chilling yet melodic voice reaches me. I feel myself stop breathing all together - my chest threatening to explode. I lower my eyes and slowly turn, staring at the sidewalk that continues to crumble.
I am too scared to look, too scared to see the beautiful image that will pain me so much. But I do, I look up into his beautiful caramel eyes, his perfect features, his arms by his sides - arms I want to hold me.
"Don't blame him for you being so boring." Zayn states. "You're not enough. There's so many better girl out there than you. You think I could really love you? I belong with someone so much better than you."
"Stop." I barely manage through my trembling lips, my eyes burning with tears from his words that are more painful than Matt's.
"You could never compare to me." The beautiful girl appears to him. The girl who is all too beautiful, her mocha skin shining in the sunlight, her dark hair perfectly pulled back and her hands on him.
Zayn smiles, looking over to Erica - the beautiful girl, with so much love and appreciation in his eyes. He smiles at her before turning back to me, his cold eyes growing colder.
"You're a disposable piece of garbage. You're the one that's always left hurt because you're the one who can't move on." His words slice through my heart - the heart he has taken and destroyed.
"You're the reason these relationships don't work out. You're not enough. You never will be. You're the reason we cheated." He laughs, Matt laughs, laughter that haunts my ears.
I shake my head, closing my eyes as tears begin to fall. Shaking my head I feel the sidewalk finally fall apart underneath me - the world falling apart as I fall through.
The nightmare has been on repeat since I woke up. It's not left my mind, it doesn't dare leave my mind. But I have to forget it - I have to forget it all. I have to.
Louis and I. The day is to start this way and I can't be more excited. I am dressed in a sundress, ready for the day. I stare at the white ivory sundress that I wear, staring in the mirror and letting myself just stare.
I did my make up, not much, but enough. I make sure I look happy, I make sure to push every dark thought and every awful feeling to the back of my mind. I am in New York, I am with Louis, I am the same Jules I was when I last saw him.
I force it all, the bad dreams, the bad feelings, the darkness that threatens to pull me under - I force it all away. I smile at myself in the mirror and nod, I can do this.
Leaving the house I exit through the door finding Louis with his truck, the same truck he had in Boulder. Still looking new and nice - as expected from Louis.
"Hello love." He cheerfully greets me at the door with a hug. I hug him back, smiling and pulling away. Louis wears a very simple outfit, white t-shirt and tan pants. The sun is out today, feeling great against my skin - making things seem brighter in life as well.
"Hello." I smile, following to his car. He opens the door for me and I get in quickly, as he shuts the door and rushes to the other side.
"So, anywhere specific you want to go?" He asks, starting his car and pulling out of Kate's driveway.
"I thought you were the tour guide today." I state with a teasing tone, watching him from the corner of my eye.
"I am." He defends with a playful hurt childish tone, "I was just being polite." He laughs. "I was thinking brunch, we could walk through central park, go to a few stores, maybe stop for some dinner and get some drinks?" He glances at me.
"That sounds great." I assure him, happy he had a schedule planned out. Louis smiles at me and I can tell - he sees it... He sees how hard I'm trying to be happy.
~~~
"So here are some trees." Louis nods towards the tree we walk past in central park. I smile at him, fascinated by how much he was pretending to give me a tour of central park.
"Wow, what's that tree called?" I point to a random tree and he pauses, crossing his arms while on of his hands rubs his chin - his eyebrows furrowing in his deep thought. I try my best not to laugh at him as I take a sip from my coffee and a bite from my bagel.
"I believe it's called a great big tall tree that looks pretty in the fall." He states in all seriousness. I begin to laugh and shake my head at him.
"Wow. You really know your trees." I laugh as he turns to me with a smile. He laughs as well, walking to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him.
"Shut up Jules." He laughs. I take another bite from my bagel to contain my laughter, pulling a loose strand of hair back behind my ear.
Louis reaches into his pocket and pulls out a digital camera. I give him a curious look as he quickly turns the camera and snaps a picture of us. I smile over at him and he takes another one.
"What are you doing?" I laugh at him as he continues to take pictures, pausing and pulling away - taking another picture of me by mself.
"Catching the moments! You want to be able to remember this for the rest of your life! The time your best friend Louis toured you around New York." He claims, pulling me back to him. I roll my eyes at him and shake my head,
"I'll remember it just fine. We don't need pictures." I state, letting myself observe central park as much as I could - taking it all in.
"Well what if you grow old and forget?" He questions. I wish I could grow old and forget things right now... I don't reply to him but simply smile and nod - agreeing with him.
We walk like this for some time more. Walking, strolling, enjoying central park in the beauty of spring - the trees and plants beginning to blossom. I glance at Louis, admiring his eyes that soak up all the beauty around us.
He notices me staring and looks to me, smiling and squeezing my shoulder before returning to gazing at the trees. I can see his smile falter though the longer we walk. His playful attitude shifting more and more.
"Jules." he begins, his voice cautious. I stare at him, waiting for him to continue. "Why are you here?" He asks quietly, looking to me.
I stop walking, my bagel and coffee gone, my arms falling my side as I stare at him. His eyes focused on me - waiting for me to answer. He drops his arm that holds me and watches me.
"Spring break." I shrug.
"You're supposed to be in Ireland." he calmly states. I stare back at him. I take a moment before forcing a smile on my face.
"Can't a girl just want to come see her aunt and her best friend?" I smile at him, turning and walking before he can ask more questions. He quickly catches up with me, walking with me through central park to the main streets.
"Why isn't Zayn here?" He asks carefully. I try to forget that he said his name, that he brought him up directly.
"I want to go there." I point to a store filled with clothing. Not replying to Louis' question I quickly make my way across the street.
"Jules!" He shouts after me, chasing me through the crowds of people. I rush into the store and begin distracting myself - staring at all the clothing and picking at each one.
"Jules." He calls again, coming into the store and walking to me. "Don't run off like that." He frowns.
"When did you become such a dad?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Well you run off like that in a crowd of people, what else am I supposed to do?" He questions harshly. I frown at his stern attitude and look back to the clothes.
"There are things called cell phones Lou." I state. Louis doesn't reply, he simple walks around the store with me. While I pick through some dresses Louis comes back up to me with a smile.
"What?" I ask, his smile continuing.
"I'm a better friend than Sarah right?" He smiles. Was this a trick? I glance around the store at the other women who shop - some of them glancing at us a few times, more at Louis than me.
Their eyes widening at the sight of a guy like him in a store full of dresses and clothing for women. I'm not sure if the look is out of attraction or shock, possibly both.
"Is this a test?" I joke lightly, glad that the awkward tense moment has passed.
"I mean come on." He edges on, folding his arms as he continues to follow me as I pick out clothes.
"You can't compare yourself to Sarah. She's been my friend since I was like six." I point out, grabbing a few dresses - Sarah would be proud of me for doing this, shopping.
"But I mean I do everything she would do with you. For Gods sake I'm dress shopping." He mumbles, picking at a light pastel colored dress with distaste. I laugh at his expression and continue picking outfits out.
"Well Sarah has been my friend ever since I can remember. She's always been there for me." I point out.
"I've always been there for you too." He points out. "If I had met you when I was six, I would have always been there for you then too." He adds on, watching me carefully.
"If we met when we were six we would probably be married because our parents would be so convinced our friendship was meant to be a relationship." I point out.
It happens often. I would know. Two childhood friends, friendship grown so strong that people assume it can withstand anything, even a relationship... Sometimes some friendships aren't meant to go there - but some people don't realize that.
"Oh no doubt." Louis agrees with a nod. "I'm sure six year old me would be secretly in love with you, grow more infatuated with passing years as I watch you grow up and be with other boys, become smitten the moment I see you at prom." He states, his eyes watching me.
I try not to laugh at his picture that he is painting in my head. I just try to act like I can't hear a word he's saying, picking a few more tops to try on as I walk through the store.
"I mean who wouldn't fall in love with you after a while Jules?" I laugh at those words.
"After a while." I repeat quietly with a smile. I glance at Louis who doesn't reply, his eyes focused one me. I stare back at him, our eyes locking as we stand in the store.
"I'm sure all the boys were falling head over heels for you love." He mumbles with a smile.
"I'm so sure." I laugh with sarcasm.
"But really, I am just as good of a friend as Sarah." He claims.
"Alright, fine." I nod, taking my clothes and walking into the dressing room where Louis follows. "You can't come in here with me." I state, glaring at Louis who rolls his eyes.
"I'll wait out here then." He sighs with sass. I roll my eyes and laugh as I enter the dressing room. "Is this going to be one of those montages where I get to shake my head no to several outfits and finally you wear that perfect one and I put two thumbs up and nod?" He calls to me from behind the door.
"Sure Louis." I laugh, shaking my head as I change into my first outfit. This boy... Changing my mood in an instant - making me forget, only for a little.
~~~
"Think you bought enough clothes?" Louis questions as I put more shopping bags into the back of his truck.
"You know Sarah would be praising me right now." I point out, looking to Louis who scoffs. "She wouldn't be praising the fact you paid for it all." I glare at Louis.
"Hey, Sarah buys you clothes too." He points out.
"But that's Sarah." I sigh. "Whatever, she would still praise me for shopping." I point out, watching him carefully.
"Fine, good job Jules. You wasted money on things you already own but are different colors." He claps his hands sarcastically as I jump into the car.
"Thank you." I smile at him as he shuts the door and laughs.
"To dinner milady?" He says with a feigned proper voice. I nod and purse my lips, raising my chin to match his act.
"Why yes my good sir, I believe dinner is in order." I feel myself laugh the moment Louis howls in laughter at my awful act. "Shut up." I push against his shoulder in embarrassment.
Louis continues to laugh but starts the car, driving us to the restaurant. "That was awful." He laughs while driving.
"Stop making fun of me." I pout, crossing my arms and doing my best to give him a dirty look.
"Let's just heave some food before we throw a fit now Jules." He teases, still laughing. I don't say another word while Louis teases me all the way to the restaurant.
Finally arriving I stare at the beautiful exterior of the restaurant. Louis puts a hand on my lower back, guiding me into the nice restaurant. I suddenly feel underdressed, staring at all the men and women that are dressed as if they were headed to a huge gala.
I stare at Louis who walks up to the host, still guiding me with him. If it weren't for Louis' hand on my back I would have stopped walking at the door. I look down at my white sundress - very self conscious next to the men in suits and women in dresses. I glance at Louis who seems underdressed more than me - t-shirt and pants.
"Mr. Tomlinson, so glad to see you." The host greets Louis. My eyes widen at the greeting.
"I have a table reserved." Louis tells the host, the host nods and grabs two menus, guiding us up the stairs of the elegant restaurant.
"Mr. Tomlinson." Louis and mine's attention draw to a very beautiful woman, she is near Steven's age, golden blonde hair braided down her back and her dress falling beautifully around her body.
"Mrs. Hastings." Louis greets her instantly with a kiss on the cheek and a charming smile. "How are you?"
"I'm doing great. I haven't seen you in months." She smiles, lightly touching his arm.
"It's been a while." He agrees. "Is Mr. Hastings with you?" He asks lightly. I stare at the scene, Louis changed - within a second. He wasn't Louis from earlier today, he was a grown up version.
A version with straight posture, very polite and cautious words and tones. He didn't sound or even seem the same in this moment. All I can do is stare.
"Why yes he is. But I don't think it's a good idea to see him. You two will just talk business and leave us ladies to fend for ourselves." She states, smiling to me. "And speaking of us ladies, who might this beautiful girl be?" She walks to me.
Her words all to kind and her looks overwhelming. She had some work done no doubt - but she still looked beautiful. She offers a hand to me and I take it, glancing at Louis.
"This is Juliet Augustine." Louis says with almost a smug tone. Mrs. Hastings mouth drops open and her dark eyes widen.
"Steven has a daughter?" She says in bewilderment, touching near the bottom of her neck with her fingertips.
"Niece." I correct. "He's my uncle" I state.
"Well I'll be damned." She smiles. "Pleasure to meet you Juliet. I really hope to meet you again. Maybe Louis can set up a girl luncheon?" She looks to Louis who nods.
"Of course Mrs. Hastings." He smiles at her, her eyes coming back to me and I suddenly feel nervous with her staring.
"Anything to keep the clients happy." She laughs, releasing my hand finally. "Well I must be going. I don't want to keep you from your date." She smiles.
"Oh-" I begin but Louis cuts me off.
"Have a nice evening." He kisses her cheek again before ushering me away. I glance back at Mrs. Hastings who smiles after us in a way I don't feel comfortable with. I stare at Louis, expecting him to explain some of the things but he doesn't.
So instead, I take in my surroundings, the dim lit rooms, the warm red colored walls, the golden table clothes covering the tables that are neatly decorated with crafty folded napkins. Following after Louis we reach the second floor, being taken to a table near the back that is away from most people.
Sitting down the host sets the menus down an nods at Louis who thanks him quietly before turning his attention to the menu. I stare in shock and awe at Louis who doesn't notice.
"So the fish here is really good." He begins saying, glancing over the menu. I still stare.
What the heck was that? Mr. Tomlinson? How much did Louis change? Not personality wise but... I don't even know how to put it. Who was he?
"What?" he notices me staring now.
"Since when... We're at a five star restaurant, dressed like homeless people compared to everyone else, and you have reservations and are called by Mr. Tomlinson?" I questions, raising an eyebrow.
"I came here a while back for a business meeting... I liked the place, I come here often." He shrugs.
"And they stick you in the back because you're weird?" I joke with him. He laughs and shakes his head.
"I like this table." He glances out the window next to us that we can see parts of New York City from. "Do you want a drink? I know the owner, as long as I'm driving you can drink." Louis claims, looking over the drink menu.
"Are you trying to get me drunk on our first date Mr. Tomlinson?" I ask in a very serious tone, watching him with a smirk on my lips.
"Only if you want to be Ms. Augustine." He smiles back. I laugh and shake my head, looking over the menu.
I smile at Louis who leans over to me, pulling me loser to him, reaching his arm out and snapping a picture. I laugh and shake my head, pushing him away as he takes another picture.
"Stop!" I laugh, pushing away from him as I look over my menu again.
"What do you have against making memories?" He pouts, putting his camera back in his pocket. I stare at him for a moment.
What do I have against making memories? Because when that person is no longer in your life you just have memories that pain you... But he doesn't know that - he can't.
"Nothing." I shake my head.
"I hate to bring this up again." He sighs, situating himself in his chair, watching me carefully. "But why is Zayn not with you?" He asks, heavy caution in his voice.
I stare - all I do is stare at Louis, all I've done today is stare at him. I blink slowly and look back to my memory, biting on my lip as I debate what to tell him. If I tell him what happened, he'd hate Zayn, I would cry and it would be a mess.
"He was busy." I reply in a monotonous tone.
"Jules don't bullshit me. Something's not right here and I have a feeling it has to do because of Zayn." He claims.
"Leave it alone." I shake my head.
"Jules, what did he do?" He asks.
What didn't he do is a better question. What didn't he do to tear me apart and leave me bare and vulnerable to the terrors of the universe?
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QUESTION PLEASE ANSWER!: should I continue writing this book? I mean I'm not sure how all of you feel about Zayn and I don't know if I should continue writing it just because... I mean, Zayn and all the things surrounding it seem to be so negative.
I can always start a different fanfiction about a different boy... I don't know what to do I honestly feel like readers aren't going to enjoy this fanfiction anymore because of everything that has happened and am not sure whether to continue or not..? Please just give your honest opinion about what you want!
Please let me know if you want me to keep writing this or not (if I don't I'll just write something else, focus on something else - a different boy or something. If I did start a new fanfiction it would be between Harry Styles and Luke Hemmings probably... of course if you all really wanted a particular person I would write that!
I will NOT stop writing this UNLESS it seems people are no longer interested in reading Zayn fanfics... I would just like to know!)