I think i was screaming. However my ears were shut and blocked out any noise so i really couldn't tell but... it felt like i was.
My hands clenched around my knees in weak fists though my fingers were so numb they couldn't properly grasp or hold on. Air filled my lungs as desperate breaths were taken in, yet the described relief didn't come and panic started to slowly raise when it dawned on me that though i was provided oxygen, i couldn't take it. Almost as if my own body was trying to suffocate me by boycotting anything that could have helped.
It hurt. Everything just hurt.
My lips were apart and my mouth wide open while my eyes were pressed shut and my body rocked back and forth in the cross-legged position that i sat in on top of my cold bed. No movement slowed the rapidly falling tears from spilling onto my cheecks, dotting them with wet stains and leaving a sticky feeling on my skin. More and more fell until i couldn't see what was before me anyone similar to how it feels when you're under water and try to recognize something in the bleary world you're stuck in.
My insides were burning and shrunk under the stinging pain washing over me.
That's what it's like to have your heart broken. There's hardly anything romantic or tragically beautiful about it, there's just pain and woeful suffering with no prospect of ever experiencing a good day again.
I swallowed hard and scooted back on my bed, under the covers and into a fetus position, wrapping both arms around my head so i could block out the world. Maybe that would turn back time. Maybe that would bring him back to me.
Harry had my heart. He was all i wantws. With him i felt complete. I was utterly smitten, crazy about and insane for Harry, only Harry. At least until now, because right now i was falling apart and all because he'd taken my heart and tore it into pieces.
.....
Harry and i were supposed to fall for each other.
There had been a time once when i had been certain of that. Maybe not instantly, but wuth time and patience.
He'd had something magical to him, an enchanting quality that drew me in and had pulled me under his spell only moments after our first encounter. Something in the way Harry moved had my eyes glued to every shift of his body, to every muscle i'd noticed under his perfectly tattooed skin. Harry's eyes held such a depth of clear green it took my breath awat and when he spoke his pink lips moved slowly but determined, every word wisely thought through.
He was intelligent, kind and made me laugh with ease. Damn it, i'd thought with a smile, his breathtakingly handsome looks were clearly only a bonus.
I'd been infatuated with him form the moment he'd given me his attention and it'd seemed as if he'd felt the same with me.
Harry's eyes had widened with wonder and a smile had danced on his soft lips, which practically begged me to kiss them, and to my surprise Harry had even reached out to touch my hand with a gentle squeeze.
There was no need to say it aloud, we just felt it. What we'd have, it'd be something real.
And for a while it had truly looked like we'd make it.
.....
"This isn't what i want anymore."
Harry didn't look at me when he spoke and kept his haze fixated on his interlocked hands untol the last word had fallen from his lips. Only then did he dare look into my eyes.
I wore a frown and felt cold. My mind was racing and heart beating because surely, i had heard wrong or misunderstood.
He didn't want what anymore?
"What?" i croaked.
Harry's eyes hardened and he leaned in momentarily as if to make sure i'd get his next words right.
"I'm not happy, y/n. With... well, with us. This reletionship."
Those words sufficed to make my stomach drop and have my emotions be flooded by guilt.
Harry was unhappy. My love, my heart... He was happy.
Tears shot to my eyes and drowned my view on his sitting form before me. When had i started failing him? My throat dried and i shook my head to clear my thoughs. This felt devastating.
Making Harry happy... it'd been a;; i wanted. All i had tried so hard to do every day. When he was ill, i stayed by his side untill he felt better. If he was sad, i held him an dtalked to him until he could smile again.
He'd told me i made him feel safe and that i was someone he knew he could trust in ways he hadn't where i'd caught him standing in the doorway with a big smile gracing his face.
When had that stopped? And why hadn't i noticed?
"Harry-"
"I'm sorry, y/n. But this relationship is over."
.....
Harry and i used to love spending hours just talking, sprawled out on one of our beds with no noise other than our breathing and quietly murmured words. I'd discovered early on that he enjoyed having someone play with his fingers when he spoke and when he found out that i liked him to hum in affirmation of his attention whenever i paused to think, Harry was eager to do that too. We were each other's rocks and created a safe haven for the other and soon the softly exchanged kisses weren't my favorite thing to do with him anymore. Listening to him speak was and his expression when i told him something.
We'd spent so many moments in our comforting presence it'd become normal. An ordinary sunday activity.
And before i knew it, i'd began needing Harry so much more than i could have brought into words.
.....
"Over?" i whispered.
He nodded and i sat there stunned just staring at him. My fingers clenched and i cleared my throat.
Then i took a deep breath.
"You're breaking up with me?"
Of course he was. The rational part of my brain had already realized what was going on and was screaming at me to stay calm and come up with a sentence that made sense. However the other part of my brain, one that was mainly ruled by my heart, did not understand and needed this extra confirmation of him saying it.
My pleading eyes mwt his and a whimper escaped me. Harry looked just the same as the guy he'd been ten minutes ago; like someone i knew, cared about and loved. But he wasn't the same. And he wouldn't tever be that person again.
Harry took a deep breath and then nodded. "Yes. I am."
.....
I loved Harry. I knew i did.
Harry was laughing whilste listening intensely to what was said by the person he was on the phone with and once in a while when his eyes met mine, he winked.
My cheeks hurt from smiling wide and they were red with a blush. The speed of my heart increased and the tips of my fingers tingled.
This was it. I was in love.
Once he set the phone aside Harry took quick strides over to where i was sitting on the couch and cuddled intp my side, happily when i moved to embrace him tight. My lips met his cheek and his pressed to my collarbones.
"I don't think i've ever been this happy before," i whispered to him between kisses, "Though it sometimes terrifies me how much i have grown to need you Harry, i couldn't feel any fuller then i do when i'm with you."
Now that i was looking back and remembering this moment, knowing the outcome, i wasn't at all surprised that he hadn't said anything to my words. He'd simplyrolled me on top of him and connected out mouths in a heavy kiss, silencing and distracting me untol my thoughts were elsewhere.
....
So here i was now. Sitting on my mattress only moments after Harry disconnected our Skype call to leave me alone with my heart break.
At least i think my screams quieted. The burning ache in my lungs and the soreness of my throat had a new wave of tears raide to my eyes and finally i cried for a different pain than my breaking heart.
I couldn't believe what had happened. Actually, believing wasn't as much the problem as making sense of it. I couldn't, no matter how hard i tried, understand how we'd come to this.
Harry and i were over. I adored him. And he just... threw me away without any hestitation.
My eyes pressed shut and i shook my head rapidly, not wanting to remember what he'd said to me only moments ago, though i was sure that i wouldn't ever het the words out of my memory again. The blanket i now had pulled over my body was strangely comforting, strange in the fact that it was pulled around me so tightly it made it difficult to breathe. But i welcomed the warmth and the suffocating colsenessof the soft material, if only because it gave me something to hold on to when my body felt as if it was floathing.
Never had i imagined he'd abandon me like this. Not the guy who'd been the first person i had truly felt comfortable with.
MY wet eyes were sore from crying and still there were more tears forcing their way ontoi my flushed cheeks. I sobbed, tossing and turning on the mattrass while the past half an hour kept replaying in my head regardless of how much i fought it.
How had Harry had been so calm, so collected the entire time? From the moment his eyes had met mine through the screen to the moment i cut him off, he hadn't appeared to be fazed by any of this.
Almost as if he had calculated it all befoere making his call.
I let my mouth fall open in a silent scream when i remembered his bulshit words.
"It's not your fault. I just don't see out relationship leading to anything, y/n."
He didn't thinks we'd make it?
A whine escaped my mouth and i clenched my fingers around the blanket. The way he'd said it outraged me. Like i was a child he was explaining to how he didn't feel like joinign the tea party it had prepared. Like i was pulling at his sleeve and he had to gently detach my fingers from the material. His voice was nothing but gentle, but it was a distant kind, one that let no emotion shine through aside from poorly hidden annoyance.
When had he began thinking this way? And why? All i had seen was him and i building a future together, when had we stopped being on the same page?
"I'm sorry." Harry had added reluctantly.
"Why?" i'd asked in a broken whisper.
He couldn't even give me a reason. My stinging eyes opened and i stared at the wall opposite to me. How could he break my heart and not give me one reason? Not even an excuse, he'd mustered up.
Nothing. The sparkling eyes i loved to drown in were avoiding me and instead focused on his twitching fingers, as if he had been eager to just get this over with and continue with his day.
"Harry," i'd then cried, the first sob escaping me and finally he'd looked iup.
I remember that for a moment i had actually seen something in his orbs soften as if he was only now realizing that he was in fact talking to me, someone he'd confided in, someone he was familiar with. He couldn't bullshit me, he never had, but for some reason he had tried with all of his might to shut me out as quickly and as harshly as he could.
And yet he remained silent.
He watched my face crumble as my crying increased and i felt incredibly helpless. This man was the person i cared about most, someone i loved, even if he didn't know that. I needed him so much and he couldn't even muster op a word of comfort now that he was watchinbg me fall apart in front of him?
No. Instead, Harry had taken a deep breath as if to prepare himself, then he looked up and tore my heart out.
"Don't make this difficult, y/n. I just don't want you anymore. It's simple."
After that nothing i'd said has been able to change his mind. No matter how many "I need you's"i whimpered to him or how often i swore i would make whatever i'd done up to him, there was no moving him. He didn't react when i cried and proclaimed the depth of my feelings for him, wasn't moved when i sobbed so hard i couldn't bring out one word.
I felt pathetic and hated the thought of begging him to stay with me, but what was i supposed to do?
He was ripping me apart.
"Why are you being so cold with me?" i had even cried at some point, "It's as of your eyes are frozen. Harry this isn't you. Come back to me tell me that none of this is real. Please."
I was falling for him. Hell, i already had fallen for him and to be rejected now after i had dared talking the risk and open op to him, it hurt more than i could have imagined.
The man who'd stared at me wasn't me Harry. My Harry wouldn't have rolled his eyes at my heartbreak, he wouldn't have kept silent while i sobbed before him. My Harry wouldn't have just sat there and waited for me to calm down enough so he could break apart the last piece of us, similar to how someone gets their job done before continuing with something fun.
My Harry wouldn't have humiliated me like this.
Finally, Harry had just shaken his head. "Well, i'm doing what i have to do. Try ot to make this difficult, allright? We both knew this would happen, didn't we?"
"No, i didn't." My lowered gaze had met his and i'd breathed out shakily. "Otherwise i wouldn't have let myself fall for you, Harry. I didn't think we would end so quickly, i believed we were... i thought...."
I had fallen silent. So many moments, words, possibilities... All merely a lie to him.
"Yeah, well," Harry had sighed, "It; s time for you to get a reality check, then."
"Please," i'd then whimpered, not even caring anymroe how pathetic i was being, "Harry don; t leave me. You aren't even listening."
"Y/n," Harry had whispered, finally adapting a gentler tone, "Let it go, yeah? You have to admit that this isn't the relationship you promised me we'd have."
My hands pressed against my cheeks similar to how i had done then i whimpered and cried heavier. It was after those words when i'd given up as well. I couldn't force Harry to want me. My eyes had met his sparkling green orbs ons last time, his cold and empty, mine brurning and full with tears. I'd huccuped once more and he'd frowned, then i'd shut my laptop before he could make another sound.
Little did i know that the worst was yet to come.
.....
"I'm so sorry!"
The guy quickly crouched down and held out his hand for me to take, pulling me off the floor back to my feet swiftly. He hurried to help me pick up the items that hslipped from my hands when he'd stumbled into me and placed them into my cart. Then he gave me a warm smile.
I wished it were a difficult guy who was smiling at me. The same guy i had been daydreaming about before this blonde stranger had stumbled into me. One with curly hair and kind green eyes, someone who's smile had been so similar to the one i was currently recieving.
"It's alright," i spoke as i steadied myself on the shopping cart.
"No, really, are you hurt?" the guy inquired, looking at me with worry in his eyes.
luckily no one else in this Sainsbury store had noticed the clumsy incident and thought the arm i'd fallen on ached a little, i was okay.
I shook my head. "You just caught me off guard."
He sighed in relief and grinned widely. "I'm clumsier than this Goofy guy."
"Who?"
"goofy," he repeated, "Micky Mouse's friend. You know, the one who's always super silly and clumsy all the time. That's me."
"Oh right," i replied, feeling an actual smile pull at my lips, "He's likable, though."
He wasn't bad looking, i had to admit. His eyes were big and deep brown color while his hair was a light shade of blonde and fell flat over his forehead. And still, all i wished was for him to leave me alone.
"I'm glad you think so." He clenched his hand around the pack of Spaghetti he held, then he cleared his throat. "You're really pretty."
The same words Harry would have used.
"Thanks," i muttered, defeat evident in my tone.
Five days had passed since Harry dumped me and the only reason why i'd dressed into something halfway passable was because i'd run out of food and couldn't afford to order in every day. I'd planned a quick trip to get the essentials and then leave again. A conversation or possible flirtation with a stranger hadn't been planned.
"I'm sorry," the stranger apologized again, "My name is Matt, by the way. But i can tell you don't really want to talk so i'm gonna go now, yeah?"
"I'm y/n," i said, "And i'm sorry, too. I'm just not very good company right now, so..."
"No worries."
Matt pushed some of his blonde strands out of his face, raised the Spaghetti pack and moved it in a waving motion, making megiggle, before he left.
Huffing i resumed to push my cart down the cookie isle, throwing in different types of sweets in process.
.....
Harry was doing alright.
LA was its sunny self just as always which tanned his skin nicely. He'd visited his favorite cafe the day before together with his maneger Jeff who'd told him about how well the promofor the upcoming album was doing as well informed him about a photo shoot deal. Today, as part of his morning routine, he had jogged past a small shop he hadn't been to before which sold the best kale/banana smoothie he'd ever tasted and just now he'd recieved a text from his mother , saying that she was free to talk. Harry's day was going well and his minds was clear from any stress. Contrary as to what he'd told his then girlfriend, Harry was not busy and had not gone to LA for any bussiness purpses, but to get away from her so he could break it off while maintaining a safe distance between them.
His ringed fingers picked up the laptop and he opened his Skype profile where he waited forhis mother to call. Once she did he accepted with a wide smile on his lips and raised his hand to greet her.
"Hi, mom."
"Hello lovely," Anne answered, smiling the same smile her son did, "How is my baby doing in great America?"
"I'm good thank you. You?"
"All is well. Gemma visited yesterday and told me to send you her greetings! Also, do you think i coould invite that lovely girl of yours over for lunch tomorrow? I have been trying to call her but she's not picking up, which was quite strange. I thought it might take her mind off missing you."
Harry's heart dropped and his palms damped. An image of y/n crying and begging him to stay with her flashed through his head and so he quickly looked away. He found his reasons to break up with her realistic and justified and didn't regret them one bit. His mother however afored y/n and surely wouldn't understand his decision to cut her out of his life. So he knew he had to be delicate with this topic.
"Mom," he began hesitantly, "I don't think that's a good idea."
A frown formed between her eyes and he could tell that she already knewwhere he was going with his carefull words. She asked anyway. "How so?"
"We're kind of... broken up."
Anne gasped. "Why?"
"She just wasn't what i want, i suppose."
"What you want?" Anne's voice was no longer kind or gently, but angry, "Son, this is the fourth girl you threw away because she 'wasn't what you wanted', only that y/n was the first to last five months."
"I know, mom," he huffed, annoyed that she was scolding him just like she did when he had been a child, "but you taught me to pursue my luck and y/n just wasn't going to give me that."
"Of course i want you to pursue your luck, Harry darling, but i'm starting to worry about you."
"You don't need to," Harry assured gently, taking another sip of his drink, "I'm good."
"You're alone again."
"I wasn't going to stay with someone just 'cause your fear i could be lonely," Harry grumbled.
"What was it that she did wrong then? Listen, son, i fear your mind is stuck on the idea of what you want so that you don't give anyone the chance to actually become what you want. You can't people to just be perfectly tailored for you."
"You mean i ruin the chance to be happy because i cut people off too quickly?" Harry slowly asked.
Anne nodded. Harry stayed silent for a moment. Then he shrugged.
"I've been thinking that for some time now, baby," Anne went on, "and with y/n i thought you'd realized it too and were making a bigger effort."
Harry sighed in exasperation and let his head roll back. "I don't know, Mom. Maybe you're right."
She looked at him expectantly snd laughed when he didn't continue. "And?"
"And nothing. M'gonna keep your words in mind next time i've got a girl around."
....
In London the rain had yet to stop from falling and given the heavy grey clouds domination the sky i could only assume the cold weather would stay. My tried eyes followed the drops running down the glass of my window and began to search for patterns and pictures in the water while my arms tightened around my pulled up knees from my position on the sofa.
I only vaguely listened to my friend Mary's words from where she stood in the kitchen, preparing some snacks for our movie night. It was really more her movie night since i really wasn't in the mood but also much too indifferent to argue with her and so i only scooted away to make room for her once she came to sit beside me. The movie she'd chosen and to which i'd apparantly agreed to it began playing and i shook my head when she offered me some popcorn.
"How have you been?"
Since my boyfruend abandoned me for no reason? Fantastic! Can't you tell?
"Good," i muttered, gaze still set on the busy londoner street outside.
Mary sighed. "He'll miss you."
The words were whispered and when i met he reyes they were full of sincerity. I forced a small smile.
"I don't think he will," i breathed.
Mary's hand found mine and she squeezed my fingers. "Sweetie, Harry is an idiot of he thinks he'll find someone who cares even half as much about him as you did. I mean for crying out loud, you were an absolute angel and so patient with him, alsways. Trust me, he'll realize his mistake."
"He was so sure of himself, Mary," i replied whilst shaking my head, "You should have seen him. He couldn't wait to get rid of me, it was as if he had tranformed into this cruel and icy stranger."
We stayed silent, eyes fixated on the screen before us. The movie playing was funny and i even felt a smile tug pn my lips when one of the characters recallrf a particular embarrassubg encident that had happened in the bedroon. This reminded me.
"Once," i began, faint amusement in my tone, "Early on in out relationship, Harry and i were about to have sec for the first time and like-"
"Hold on," Mary interrupted with a grin, "Am i about to get an insight on what Harry Styles is like in bed?"
"Yes," i giggled and continued with a stronger voice, "Anyway, Harry and i were about to have sx and to get in the mood we did a bot of foreplay beforehand meaning i did something for him and he did something for me, you understand?"
Mary nodded, both eyes wide and full of excitement. "Was he good?"
I rolled my eyes but my heart heavily with the relief of feeling something even if it was mischief due to being about to reveal very private information about Harry.
"That's besides the point. So he was, you know, down there and all of a sudden it feels weird and strangely wet. So i look down at him and he's already pushing himself up and away from me with a nose dripping with blood, explaining super embarrassed that he got a nosebleed due to being nervous!"
Loud laughs fell from both of out mouths and for the first time i felt like i could breathe. Harry had humilitated me, now i was returning the favor.
"No way," Mary snorted, "The guy bled all over you 'cause he got weak nerves?"
I nodded all red faced at the memory, but happy that it didn't leae me aching. The picture if his naked body standing in the doorway with a bloody tissue and an embarrassed smile decorating his features was still burning vividly in my mind, but i could laugh about it.
"You should tell that to the press," my friend went on and i nodded joking how i just might, though i knew i wouldn't.
We continued to watch the movie, Mary going back to the story again and again though, asking for details and so the mood was heavinly light and content.
That was until i looked at my phone upon recieving several twitter notifications. I clicked onto the tweet i was tagged in, tegretting it instantly because suddenly there was a series of pictures on my display, all of them showing my Harry with a woman i didn't know.
He was embracing her, kissing her and keeping her close.
Pain shot through me like a wildfire and all the joy i'd felt earlier was gone. Twelve days. Twelve fucking days did he need to find someone new.
....
The girl Harry was hovering over had the same color of hair his y/n had and was about the same shape as she was. What was different were her eyes, as they lacked the sparkle y/n's had always held, and her skin wasn't as soft and warm to his touch either.
But he didn't care.
He'd seen the pictures of y/n laughing and smiling at her new guy. Not even five days after he'd ended things with her, y/n had gone to a grocery store to show off her attractive and blonde new boyfriend, seemingly unaffected by their breakup. Fans Harry had seen tweet about the encounter had even written about how the pair had been funny and joking with each other as if they were every familiar.
So if y/n was happy and over it, he was too.
The girl was moaning and whimpering beneah his body ince he began to move and he hissed when her manicured fingernails scratched his back almost painfully. His lips found hers and he allowed himself to let go of his worries, surrendering to the pleasure of feeling her. He liked the girl's sweet perfume and how she whiend his name desperately. His hands momentarily wandered over her body, but it felt wrong to explore her and he dound that he did not want to mesmerize her the way he had y/n. Instead, Harry nipped on her neck hungrily and moved harder, chasing both of their release just so he was distracted from the growing feeling of loneliness is his chest.
Only one more time did y/n's name shoot through his mind and he did well to not say it out loud, as it was no longer her he was holding in his arms.