2021.12.05
(italics dialogue = english)
(requested by quite a few people)
[WARNING! anxiety, negativity, mentions of self-harm with a slight explanation (?), emotional abuse, sexual pressure? (i'm not sure what it's called) and.. the boys crying]
my heart felt so heavy writing this. i don't know how well i did (as you guys know, i don't proof read) so i hope i didn't leave anything out and i portrayed the emotions correctly
I've never been one to let hate get through me.
I knew that everyone has haters no matter what so I usually find them (at least the ones directed to me) really amusing.
It's unnecessary. Why would you find a need to crush someone down like that?
In today's V-Live, I finally found a comment that managed to break down all the walls I worked so hard to build.
It's been more than three fucking years and it still hurts as if it happened yesterday.
It was our July monthly report and for some reason, my name was brought up more times than usual and the members kept asking me questions on top of questions.
It scared me but I chose to let it go since I'm slowly trying to open up more, both to the boys and Engenes.
That was so fucking wrong of me, I should have stopped it.
'Why is this V-Live all about Della? ㅋㅋ Be more considerate and stop talking about yourself.'
Fuck, my heart hasn't ached like this in so fucking long.
Sure it hurts whenever I am reminded on what he did but apart from giving me tear-brimmed eyes, I never let myself fully break. That comment was just on another fucking level.
I always try to put others before myself but I guess it's not enough. I should've tried harder.
I stayed silent for the rest of the live.
I gave one look at Sunghoon and Sunoo with my glossy eyes and knew that they would help. They spent the remainder fifteen minutes talking about themselves, trying to advert any attention from me.
I stayed silent after the camera turned off.
My mind was in a frenzy trying to think of a bunch of positive thoughts to cover up the stupid pain.
I was zoning out badly. I felt some of the boys' touch and heard their voices but I could barely understand anything.
I stayed silent during the ride home.
Heeseung hasn't let go of my hand since we left the room. I felt it tighten up when we were in the car.
I'm guessing that the boys felt more comfortable with the car's privacy because they started calling my name repeatedly.
I knew that if I replied now, I wouldn't be able to hold back my dumb tears so I didn't say anything. They gave up after a few minutes but I still felt their occasional glances.
I stayed silent when we walked through our front door.
Heeseung sat me down on the sofa while everyone gathered around me. I felt and recognised Jay's hand holding my unoccupied one.
It was silent.
I absolutely hate extreme silence.
No sound from the members, the TV, the shower, the rice cooker, nothing. Just our breathing.
I hated it so much that I finally found the courage to make eye contact with the person in front of me.
It was Jake.
This reminded me so much of the day we met. Me avoiding eye contact and him being the first person I see.
The aching stopped for a few moments at the memory but was quick to come back when a thought popped into my head.
He can have anyone he wants. When he finds a better option, you'll be nothing.
I switched over to Sunoo whose eyes were filled with tears.
You made him cry. Stop ruining people's mood just so they could help you with your problems, you selfish bitch.
Sunghoon had just comforted me on my anxiety last night. He advised for me to finally open up but I didn't think that it would be this soon.
He doesn't know about this though. What if he stops loving you? He wouldn't want someone this fucking broken.
Jungwon had the most worried look I've ever seen him make.
You're usually there for him when he prioritises the members but he's putting you first now, too. He doesn't fucking need this.
Riki couldn't make eye contact. He was just leaning against my legs and hugging my calf.
If he lifts his head and glances at your thigh from that distance, you're done. He'll think you're an idiot.
Jay looked defeated and lost in his thoughts. A look that I greatly resent.
Fuck you made him question himself again. You're his first girlfriend and you're making him feel the same way your first boyfriend did. Fucking bitch.
Heeseung. Oh Heeseung. The panicked look on his eyes were the same ones he had when Alice announced her departure.
You promised yourself that you would never make him feel that sad. You're a horrible person, Della.
None of them have seen me like this. I hate showing people my weak side. I mean for fucks sake, only Sunghoon, Alice, and barely Sunoo have seen it.
They're your fucking boyfriends and you're part of the same group, they'll find out one day. You're with them every fucking minute.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, still looking at Heeseung. It's hard to explain to one person, let alone seven.
"Della it's okay, don't apologise," Heeseung's voice was breaking as he rubbed my back. "What happened?"
Enhypen aside, I can't lose any of them. Falling for them was a risk but it was one I was willing to take.
Kang Della. Della fucking Kang. They are not him. You've known them for a year now and they've been nothing less than perfect so far.
I took a deep breath and looked down. Here goes nothing.
"As you know, negative comments don't usually affect me in any way," they nodded their heads. "There was a comment earlier that said that I was being inconsiderate- and for some people it might be nothing but fuck did that trigger the shit out of me."
"I'm sure you guys remember about the ex I had before I was a trainee," I started off, my hands shaking from the nerves. "I told you that he was a terrible boyfriend but I never explained why."
"Lala, you don't have to," Jungwon said, placing a hand on my knee.
"You deserve to know," my eyes were brimmed with tears again. "He was great at first and we were both so happy, but then he started to change."
"All the things he was okay with at first suddenly became a problem, and everything I did seemed to be wrong in his eyes," great now my voice is trembling.
I felt Riki's grip tighten around my leg, as well as Heeseung and Jay's hands.
"I would always have to report to him when I am about to do something or go somewhere. I can't make any decisions on my own out of fear," there goes the tears.
"I couldn't be honest with my feelings too. I have to always pretend like I am okay with everything he does, because if I don't, he'll give excuses saying 'I thought you loved me' or 'that's just how I am, I can't change' or 'I did that because you're like this,'" shit now I'm full on sobbing and I barely started.
I paused for a bit to just cry it out. I heard a few sniffles and felt Jay stroke my hair.
"If someone likes me, he would blame it on me saying that I seek for attention and that I asked for it," I tried to control my breathing. "He would- he would- fuck," I folded myself into my lap.
"Lala, that's enough," Jake voice broke as he placed both of his hands on the sides of my head and his forehead at the top of it.
"He would pressure me to do things that I was uncomfortable with, especially during that age. Sexual things," I heard them all gasp. "If I didn't say yes, I didn't love him," fuck I can barely breathe. "I can't tell anyone. What will people think of a fourteen year old who isn't a fucking virgin?" Shit I'm really giving them TMI.
"Della," oh Sunghoon, when was the last time you cried? I'm so sorry.
"I couldn't leave. I kept thinking about how happy he used to make me and how he would change back one day. He was my first love and I should've known better, I was so fucking stupid," I dug my nails into Jay and Heeseung's hands but immediately felt bad so I loosened it straight away.
"He would say that he could have anyone he wants but he chose to stay with me because he loved me."
"His most used words were 'stop being selfish, you're not thinking about others' feelings,' and until now, those words keep ringing in my head," I sat up straight again but kept my head down.
"I am a very anxious and insecure person and I fucking hate it. I don't wanna show it because I just don't want to be reminded of those words again. I hate talking about myself- I hate putting myself first in general, I just can't do shit without fucking worrying about everything- that comment- that comment just opened up a deep fucking wound," I looked up and blinked repeatedly.
"I need to tell you guys something. Something quite important," I took a deep breath. "When I was with him- I felt so worthless and was so fucking tired that I- fuck how was I so dumb? Please forgive me, I'm so sorry if this makes you too uncomfortable," my voice trembled as I pulled up my skirt and traced the barely-visible scars on my thighs.
They were all staring at me- even Riki, who couldn't earlier. They were waiting for me to continue my story, not realising what I was trying to show them something.
After a few seconds of silence, Jay gasped and placed his hand over his mouth.
"Lala!" he pulled me into a tight side-hug, sobbing into my shoulder. I kept quiet and continued tracing my thighs.
I didn't always make new ones, but I would trace them every night.
"Oh my God," Jake choked and placed his head on my lap while he grasped my hands.
I remember how itchy they used to be when they were healing. It was always so tempting to scratch them and just rip them right back open.
"No." Sunoo shook his head. "No no no no no," by the time he realised, the others had too and they all huddled close.
To be fucking honest, hearing their sobs hurt way more than that knife ever did.
"I'm so sorry," I managed to let out.
"Don't fucking apologise. Just don't," Jake squeezed me tighter. "Don't," he whispered.
"I wanna strangle that guy," Heeseung said with gritted teeth. "Fuck- Lala."
"You're so strong, Lala," Jungwon said through his sobs. "You're really, really strong."
"Thank you for trusting us," Sunghoon's voice cracked. "Thank you so much."
"I love you guys so fucking much," I squeezed them tighter. "Will you accept me even after knowing about this? Even after I didn't tell you sooner?"
"Lala, we'll love you no matter what. We'll be with you through the ups and the downs," Jay sniffled. "God, we love you so much."
"Thank you so much, guys," I smiled slightly. "I hate crying over that asshole, he doesn't deserve my fucking tears." I scoffed with a sarcastic chuckle.
"That's our Lala," Riki squeezed tighter.
"Always so tenacious," Sunoo added.
"Honestly, Lala?" Jungwon spoke up and I let out a hum. "I really think that it's fated for you to be in a group with us- for you to have seven lovers."
"You have trouble loving yourself, so we will make up for it and give you that love sevenfold."
this was such a contrast from my last update lmao
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