2021.12.05 (italics dialogue = english) (requested by quite a few people)
[WARNING! anxiety, negativity, mentions of self-harm with a slight explanation (?), emotional abuse, sexual pressure? (i'm not sure what it's called) and.. the boys crying]
my heart felt so heavy writing this. i don't know how well i did (as you guys know, i don't proof read) so i hope i didn't leave anything out and i portrayed the emotions correctly
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I've never been one to let hate get through me.
I knew that everyone has haters no matter what so I usually find them (at least the ones directed to me) really amusing.
It's unnecessary. Why would you find a need to crush someone down like that?
In today's V-Live, I finally found a comment that managed to break down all the walls I worked so hard to build.
It's been more than three fucking years and it still hurts as if it happened yesterday.
It was our July monthly report and for some reason, my name was brought up more times than usual and the members kept asking me questions on top of questions.
It scared me but I chose to let it go since I'm slowly trying to open up more, both to the boys and Engenes.
That was so fucking wrong of me, I should have stopped it.
'Why is this V-Live all about Della? ㅋㅋ Be more considerate and stop talking about yourself.'
Fuck, my heart hasn't ached like this in so fucking long.
Sure it hurts whenever I am reminded on what he did but apart from giving me tear-brimmed eyes, I never let myself fully break. That comment was just on another fucking level.
I always try to put others before myself but I guess it's not enough. I should've tried harder.
I stayed silent for the rest of the live.
I gave one look at Sunghoon and Sunoo with my glossy eyes and knew that they would help. They spent the remainder fifteen minutes talking about themselves, trying to advert any attention from me.
I stayed silent after the camera turned off.
My mind was in a frenzy trying to think of a bunch of positive thoughts to cover up the stupid pain.
