It has been said that the sun will rise on the just and unjust alike. That it is not where the journey ends but the steps you took to get there. That the gun is loaded and the bullets are for free. No rest for the wicked as the hustle never ends. It takes two to tango. We as a species have millions of sayings to explain away our actions. Empty words in which we have strung together in an attempt to justify, mask and judge. Theories compiled into a collective melting pot of agreement in order to absolve ourselves. Heavy thought for so early I the morning.
With a moan I got out of bed, dressed and pulled my hair up into a pony. Walking out of my cell I crossed to the railing looking over the ledge below. My eye quickly scanning the people bellow. Instantly I picked out Maggie, Glenn and Daryl standing together drinking their morning coffee. Tyres and Sasha stood reading the board of what needed to be done today. I knew Carol would already be trying to get a head of the day and be in the kitchen making sure breakfast was ready to hit the table. Still searching I couldn't find Rick amongst the gathering crowd. My best guess was that in an attempt to avoid me Rick had decided to pull duty in one of the towers.
What a fucking self conceded asshole I thought to myself. I was here to help them. I didn't ask to come back they asked me too. I could have said no and remained where I was and my life would have been none the worse for ware. The very least and I mean the very least Rick could do was treat me with a sliver of decency. Was that asking to much? I for one didn't think so. Rick avoided me as if I had the plague unless he felt like demanding answers as if I owed him. What a fucking jerk off!
"You need to be in the council room in thirty minutes." The sound of Ricks voice coming from behind me nearly made me jump out of my skin. Startled I gasped for air as I spun around. Ricks cold eyes addressed me with anger as he leaned against the cell door beside mine. "If you haven't ate breakfast yet you might want to get a move on."
Pushing off the door frame Rick completely dismissed me as he walked bye. My eyes fixated on him as he walked down the stairs and eventually to where the others were. Stepping back from the railing I hedged towards the cell Rick had appeared from. Before I had left the last time Rick and Lori had moved into one of the bigger cells which was in the bottom level so what was he doing in this one. I could hear the sound of someone's shoes clinging on the grates as they walked up the stairs so I just glanced, well, snooped quickly. All I could see was that the bed had been slept in and there was a pile of clothes in the corner.
The sound of the footsteps was near the top now. I drug my curious eyes from the room and turned walking away. With any luck it would look as if I was just coming from my room. Trying not to act guilty of snooping where I really had no business I glanced up smiling only to realize it was Daryl. While he didn't say anything his look said it all. Daryl had caught me.
Feeling very much like the child with their hand caught in the cookie jar I scurried down the stairs and towards the kitchen. With my blush still creeping across my skin I poured a coffee and grabbed some toast.
"I saw that your name wasn't listed on the board yet." Lori's voice scrapped against my nerves. "So I took the liberty of adding it to the janitorial services. No free rides everyone has to pitch in and help."
I took a moment not acknowledging her as I slowly spread my peanut butter on my toast. Debating on exactly what I wanted to say when a hand reached out and touched my shoulder. Without stopping Glenn called over his shoulder, "Bring your breakfast with you. The council is heading up to meet now."
Turning so I was facing Lori as I took a bite of my toast chewing slowly before I dropped my toast back on my plate. Smiling I took a drink of my coffee allowing my eyes to completely drift up and down her body. Unable to control the smirk that played across my lips I chuckled. "It was so kind of you to think of me and while I appreciate you volunteering me it would appear as if I have other things to do. Since we all have to pull our own weight and do our part I guess you won't have issue with doing the janitorial for me." Grabbing my breakfast I started to walk away, "But hey thanks again for thinking about me."
It's nice when the timing works out so perfectly. When a person sets themselves up for their own beating. Lori could have kept her trap shut but instead she opened it and I got to feed her own words back to her. I was acting childish and petty when it came to Lori but I didn't care. I will freely admit that I am as much at fault and share equally in the constant friction that existed between us. I will also say I have absolutely no intentions of being the bigger person here either.
In my mind it was simple. Lori didn't deserve Rick before the world became zombie ridden. To stupid to know what she had their marriage was in ruin and heading towards divorce. As far as the here and now she didn't deserve Rick either. If Rick had died never waking from the comma his body wouldn't have even been cold before she spread her legs for another. I had heard all her excuses for her becoming an adulterating whore and that's just what they were excuses. I thought he was dead....I was dead inside....It was the trauma of everything. A hundred and one excuses that all amounted to the fact Lori wanted to get her rocks off.
It wasn't just the fact that Lori was a whore trying to wear a disguise of innocence and pity but the way in which she treated Rick. Whinny and demanding she was constantly expecting more of him. Nothing seeming met her satisfaction. Playing the victim and holding Ricks relationship with me over his head. Sarcastically second guessing Ricks every step as she tried to act superior. Lori was unhappy and she wanted to make sure Rick was just as unhappy as she was. After years of marriage she knew what buttons to push and what strings to pull to keep Rick trapped in her control and misery.
I on the other hand loved Rick. I could easily appreciate the man he was and the man he was becoming. Ricks strength as leader, his loyalty as a friend and his compassion as a lover knew no bounds. Happiness was never an issue, never a thought, it just was. I didn't take Rick for granted but cherished every moment with him. I deserved Rick but despite it all I lost him to a bitch like Lori. Where once I loved I was left with spite and a need for revenge.
Walking into the conference room where the council met was humbling. Sasha, Daryl and Carol sat along one side of the table. Down the other side was Maggie, Glenn while Rick sat at the head of the table. My stomach rolled as I sucked in a deep breath. Trying to not dwell on the fact the other head of the table chair sat empty as a painful reminder of the loss of Hershel. Pulling the chair out beside Maggie I quietly took my seat.
"Michone and Tyres are on tower watch so let's get this done so we can start our day." Rick looked over at me his eyes cold and unforgiving. "I think you should personally train three of us and then the others can be trained over time."
At first I figured Rick was simply stating fact and that their was nothing rhetorical about his comment. Not until he narrowed his eyes and glared at me did I realize he was waiting for a response. "Uh...ok so who do you want me to train?"
Rick sat there for a moment staring at me as if I was a blithering moron. Finally he looked away at the others as he slowly scratched his hand along his jaw line. "I'm going to say Daryl and Carol because then the runs and camp are covered. Maggie you too because I'm sure you already know some things your dad taught you."
Without giving the others a chance to say anything Rick continued, "We don't have any runs coming up right away. Daryl I want you to start."
This wasn't so much a matter of a council meeting I thought to myself. It was Rick saying what he wanted and expecting the others to do exactly as he stated. No discussion was partaken and others opinions were not welcome. The declaration of power and control was clearly in Ricks hands. Things had unequivocally changed in the three months since I had left. Shocked I looked at Rick hardly able to recognized the man I loved. He had changed but as far as I was concerned not for the good.
Turning in his chair so he was facing me Rick tipped his head slightly to the side. Working his jaw back and forth Rick pinned me with his eyes. "Do you have something you need to say?"
It was only then that I realized the look that must have been upon my face. "Uh....no," my words stumbled out of my mouth as I tried not to squirm in my chair.
"Well then I'm sure everyone has things they need to get done." Dropping the keys to the lab along with a gun and a knife on the table Rick gave me one last haunting angry look before he got up and left.
Clapping his hands down on the table Daryl pushed himself to his feet. With a curt nod and a slight dirty look Daryl mumbled in distain, "Let me know when your ready."
One by one the rest of the group eventually faded from the room until only Carol and I remained at the table. "Things changed," Carol sighed as she ran her hands threw her short cropped hair. "Angry....everyone is just so angry."
With tired eyes Carol stood looking me over, "Maggie, Sasha and myself included blamed Rick for the reason you were gone. It in no way means we weren't angry with you but Rick wore the blunt of it. Daryl blamed you for leaving and Rick.....Rick just shut down blocking everyone out. We might look the same, fallow the same routines but nothing is the same."
Sitting at the large oval table I could remember the first day I arrived at camp. While it was in fact cold walls of a prison the life forced that lived within it made it feel like a home. Now the concrete walls cried out in unisons as it weighted down feeling very much like a prison. Trapping and punishing the souls within it as smugly offered sanctuary.
Stopping in the kitchen I grabbed another coffee and headed towards the lab. I had to go though and see what supplies were needed. In truth I was more than content to go and hide away from the others. From the hurt and blame I saw in their eyes. I knew it would be hard coming back I just didn't expect it to be this hard.
The lock was stiff as I tried to open the door almost as if I was unwelcome here too. Pushing the door open I remained where I stood in the doorway. The familiar scent of dried herbs tickled my noise. My eyes slowly sweeping from one side of the room to the other. Everything looked exactly how Hershel would have left it. As if he had just stepped out to get a coffee and was coming back. I knew it was just my imagination, just my guilt, little more than a mind trick but I could swear I felt Hershel's presence within the room.
Taking a deep breath I stepped forward walking into memories of a time when life was so much easier. A life time I would give anything to go back to. Setting my mug down on the stainless steel table I began to inventory what was left.
Starting with the brown cabinet that contained various herbs I tried to focus as I compounded my list. Moving to the black cabinet I wrote down the traditional medicine they were out of. Ignoring the tightening of my chest and the tears burning my eyes I began to open the drawers checking the surgical supplies and wraps. My hands shaking along with tear blurred vision my list looked as if a two year old had written it.
Moving the IV stands I went to check the oxygen tanks. Rolling each one over I checked the levels and the condition of the tubing. They were dangerously low and some of the connectors would no longer hold a seal. In fact they were low on absolutely everything. Hershel must have waited as long as he could have before making the run he never came home from.
My list wasn't complete but I had more than Daryl and I could possibly complete today or in a week for that matter. Hoisting one of the collection bags over my shoulder I spun around to grab my coffee and the keys when I noticed a yellow piece of paper had fluttered to the ground.
In neat handwriting I recognized all to well was the words medical list. Bellow listed off the exact same supplies along with a few others as the list I had made. It was strange tho...beside each item Hershel had wrote what to do with it and it's intended purpose. At the bottom of the page Hershel had written a note. I will begin south of the prison working my way down to the river. If I can make it as far as the cut line I will then come back east of the towers.
Dropping into the stood I crumpled the paper in my hands. Unable to hold back any longer my body began to heavy with sobs as my tears flowed forth. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the anguish of my pain held me in silence struggling to breath.
In the time that Hershel and I had spent together he had become far more than a teacher. He wasn't just a mentor. Hershel had become a father figure at a time in my life when I was lost. I not only let Hershel down but I had left when he needed me. If I wasn't so self absorbed in my own drama. If I was a better person, Hershel wouldn't have paid my price.
"I'm sorry Hershel," my voice barley a cracked whisper. "Oh god I'm so sorry."
Swiping at my tears I folded up Hershel's list placing it in the pocket of my hoodie. The thing I didn't understand was if Hershel was going with Carl why would he leave a note that almost seemed to suggest he wasn't coming back. Why the step by step instructions. It didn't make any sense. Nothing made sense anymore.
Locking the door to the medical lab I paused leaning against the door in an attempt to collect myself. My thoughts scattered and jumbled together with my emotions I felt as if my sanity was hanging by a thread. The one thing that I knew for certain....I was in no mood for Daryl Dixon. Regardless of the fact I knew I was suppose to go get Daryl I found myself walking out the front doors of the cell block alone. Strolling across the courtyard and right up to the front gates.
"Where's Daryl?" Carl mumbled not quite looking me in the eyes.
"He's meeting me. I'm just going to start on the other side of the gates." It was a bold face lie containing no truth what so ever. When Carl seemed to hesitate I stepped up my game, "When you and Hershel were out that day how far did the two of you get?"
It was a low blow and I knew it. Looking at the sadness in Carl's eyes I felt the painful twinges of guilt. It was wrong on so many levels to play on Carl's guilt but I had already said it. "We got as far as the rock quarry along the river."
"Good to know," I pointed at the gates as I stepped forward. "I better get a move on."
Beads of sweat formed on my forehead as I waited on the gates to open. I honestly thought Carl was going to call my bull shit or someone would see me standing at the gates. It seemed to take forever before I finally heard the sounds of the chains moving before the gate inched open. The moment I could squeeze through I slipped through the gate and tucked myself along the wall. Having done tower duty enough times I knew exactly where the blind spots were.
Cutting across and into the trees I walked the same way Hershel and I had when he first trained me. Heavy hearted I went through the motions on auto pilot. Oblivious to the flowers in bloom, the birds singing in the trees or the slight breeze as it kissed my over heated skin. The beauty of the day completely lost on me.
I drudged on for the morning zig zagging the landscape I knew as well as the back of my hand avoiding walkers. By mid afternoon I had reached the river with my collection bag nearly overflowing. My back hurt and my shoulder was numb from the heavy bag as I struggled to climb the last incline along the river bank.
Dropping the bag with a solid thud to the ground I reached for my water bottle. I knew I had collected to much. That the weight of the bag was only slowing me down and would be a liability if I got into trouble. But it was as if I was filled with blind determination to prove a point. Frustrated, angry and driven by rage I felt as if I was loosing my mind.
I could hear the walker as it approached me from behind. The grotesque pitiful sounds it made turned my stomach sickening me. Enraged me making my blood boil draining every ounce of common sense I had. Reaching down to my hip I stroked my fingers back and forth along the handle of the knife. Pulling the knife from my belt clip the weight of the cold steel in my hand felt soothing, reassuring almost erotic. I had no idea who or what I was becoming anymore.
I waited until I could feel the walkers cold grip of death reach for me before I turned on it. Stabbing it in the chest I shoved it backward at the same time. I watched in disgust as it fell into the tree. Stepping towards it I blindly swung with my knife connecting with its face and chest. Chunks of rotting decaying skin and blood splattered down the front of me.
I knew in order to kill a walker it had to be a blow to the brain but that wasn't what I wanted. I laughed as if I had lost my mind as I watched it lurch towards me its mouth hanging open. Stepping towards it I grabbed it by its stringy matted hair and began to smash at its teeth with the butt of my knife. Lifting my leg I kicked it in the stomach as hard as I could. My boot sinking into the rotten flesh I could hear it's bones snap as it fell to the ground.
Looking down at my hands I still held onto portions of the walkers hair and scalp. Holding the chunks of scalp as if it were a trophy I circled around the walker as it flopped on the ground. I kicked repeatedly at its head as if I was punting a football nearly detaching it from the spine.
Reaching down I slammed it onto its back on the ground. Crawling on top of it I pinned its arms beneath my legs. Taking my gun out I contemplated shooting it but more sickening thoughts interested me. Instead I placed the gun in the palm of both my hands and began to smash the walker in the face with the butt of my gun. I swung relentlessly as hard as I could again and again until I physically could not lift my arms. When I finally stopped you could no long see the skeleton of the head. I had crushed it until nothing remained other than a pile of bloody mush. In fact you could see the dig marks on the ground from where I had struck so hard.
Out of breath and exhausted I walked to the river and began to clean off the knife and my gun. I splashed water on my face and arms in a half hearted attempt to wash the blood from me. After placing my gun and knife back on their holsters I went back to the walker and where I had dropped the collection bag. Lording above the walker I felt nothing as I hoisted the heavy bag once again upon my shoulder.
Numbly I began to make my way back towards the prison. Blank and emotionless somewhere deep down inside it registered that I should be questioning my behaviour. That what I had just done was far from normal. To kill a walker was fine but to take it to the level I did was extreme. I had spiralled out of control.
I had only gotten about two feet from the tree line on the road in front of the prison when Maggie came charging at me. "Where the hell were you?"
"I went...." Was all I got out before Maggie cut me off.
"What?" Maggie snapped still charging towards me. "I'm sorry you what?"
"Maybe if you let me finish," I pointed at the bag. "I went to get supplies."
"That's your answer! You went to get supplies!" Walking directly in front of me Maggie forced me to stop. I tried to step around her twice before Maggie placed her hands on my shoulders and shoved me. "Five hours later you show up covered in blood and I'm just suppose to accept that you went for supplies. Fuck you Jenna."
To some extent I guess I should have been surprised that Maggie had laid her hands on me but I was far to pissed off. "Don't touch me again Maggie or I will take you down."
I could see Michone approaching us out of the corner of my eye. Her face curled up with much the same anger and determination as Maggie's. Looking down at the bag that hung from my shoulders I carefully selected my words, "I am not a child who needs to be told what she can and can not do. I don't need Ricks permission or approval like the rest of you seem to need. I don't fallowed one man I think for myself."
"This isn't about Rick it's about the stupid choices you insist on making!" Maggie exploded. "How were we suppose to know if you were out collecting or you ran away again."
"I didn't run away I made a choice to leave! That's two entirely different things." Hiking the collection bag higher on my shoulder I charged my way between Maggie and Michone.
"That's right Jenna just walk away," Maggie called after me. "Do you know I actually went and looked for a note."
Glancing over my shoulder my step slowed and eventually stopped. Maggie was standing with her back turned to me with her hands on her hips looking off into the distance. "I promised I would train three people."
"You promised you wouldn't leave last time and I believed you." Without looking at me Maggie turned and started to walk away. "Tell me what would make this time any different."
Ok so clearly Maggie and I needed to talk and hash some things out. Right now I needed to get this bag to the medical lab before I could no longer hold it and had to resort to dragging it on the ground. Turning back towards the gates in huff I ran straight into the solid wall of Ricks chest. Stumbling with the weight of the bag I was going to face plant when Ricks hands caught me.
Grabbing the bag from me his eyes shimmered with anger, "I need to talk to you." Taking a few steps from me Rick glanced back when he noticed I wasn't fallowing. "Now!"
Just like the others in the group I fallowed Rick doing exactly as he said. Not once did he look back again to see if I was fallowing nor did he bother to hold the cell block door as he opened it. When another member called his name Rick didn't stop or so much as turn his head to see who it was. It wasn't until we reached the doors of the medical lab before he turned giving me a haunting look as he impatiently waited for me to open the door.
"Shut the door," Rick snarled as he hoisted the collection bag on the stainless steel table with a thud. "I'm assuming you are fine and not bit."
Looking down at my blood soaked clothing I knew how I must have appeared. "I'm fine. I wasn't bit or I wouldn't have come back to camp. Give me some credit."
"Give you credit?" Rick snorted as he hooked his hand on his gun belt. "Why would I give you any credit? You make childish rash decisions."
"According to you!" It wasn't much of a defence but it's what fell out of my mouth. "Who died and made you God."
"I told to take Daryl with you!" Rick snarled through grated teeth.
"You told me?" I huffed as I walked towards the collection bag. "Well by all means as long as you told me then I should run and do exactly as you said right!"
"We go out two at a time for safety reasons." Ricks point was slightly twisted to suit his needs. "Besides the whole point of you coming here was so that you could train and then leave."
And then leave......the painful words rattled around in my skull. Rick had just all but said he didn't want me here. Refusing to give Rick the satisfaction of seeing how bad his words hurt I began to unload the collection bag.
"That's not exactly true now is it? You, Daryl and Glenn go out on your own all the time. Carol and Maggie too. So what your really saying is as long as a person belongs in your inner circle it's fine." I did my best to control my shaking hands keeping them busy. "And as far as training don't worry there is lots to show before I leave."
Stepping forward Rick closed the distance between us until he was standing inches in front of me. "I'm not playing games with you Jenna. Get it through your thick skull."
"If you say so," intimidated I started to back up going to to wash my hands in the sink.
"While your here your my problem, my responsibility, just another life to take care of. In a months time you can go back to playing house with Shane." With that Rick left the lab with the deafening sound of the door slamming.
Taking a deep breath I sat at the table placing my palms upon the cold surface. I just sat......