"Is everything okay?" Cody asks me and I nod. This time I'm not staring at my painful heels but at the shoes, Miles gave me that are too big for me.
I don't know how often he buys new shoes but I'm surprised that these are practically brand new.
"I'm sorry I was outside the whole time," I explain but he shakes his head.
"It's fine." He says and then turns to face me.
"But maybe if you'd like . . . we can have a late night at my place?" he asks and I'm not sure what to answer. I don't want Cody to get the wrong impression and after everything tonight—
"It will help you take some focus off your mind." He says as if reading my brain.
"I know but I—" After realizing so many things tonight it would be wrong of me, I even admitted it to Miles that he's the only one Iwantandhat I don't know what I'm looking for in Cody or anyone else I'm so willing to be around.
"I think t would be wrong," I admit and Cody looks at me with a forced smile and dissappointed eyes.
"It's cool . . . I guess." He says but can tell he's dissappointed in my decision.
"Cody . . . you'll find someone too," I tell him but he doesn't reply.
"Jace has Rosie which I understand . . . but why does it have to be Miles?" he asks and I'm surprised that he's so open about knowing something so personal about me.
"I don't know . . . some things you can't really explain, I know it doesn't make sense, and on the outside, I know it looks crazy, but there's something in me that knows I belong with him."
"The first love feeling," Cody says and I give him a small smile even though that's far from the reason. I gulp down, clearing my throat and trying to avoid the awkward air between us as he drives me back to my dorm.
I'm not sure if Stephanie already got him but when I check my phone, her text lets me know that she's going to stay with Elijah tonight and I'm thankful she thinks of me in these situations with Elijah.
"Here you go," Cody says and I press my lips together, I want to thank him somehow, but the only way I really thank him would be to have tonight with him but I know I can't.
"Cody . . . thank you," I say and let my lips collide with his cheek, and they turn pink before my eyes. His smile stretches to the side, reminding me of Miles who I guiltily but desperately miss.
I get another ext that disturbs whatever eye contact Cody and I had even though all I was busy thinking about weren't his eyes but Miles's.
I KNOW I ONLY made things worse with Cody and the more I think about it, the more confirmed it is, that kiss on his cheek didn't mean anything to me but maybe to him it meant more than it should have, and after the quiet dropping me off, I realize that it was a mistake, I never should have even gone ou with Cody but because I let it go this far, I have to pay the price, I have to allow him to have the feeling for me that I can't have for him because something about him with me isn't right. It doesn't feel right the way it does with Miles or Jace.
I check the text I received on my way back to the dorm in the cold spring air.
Stephanie: 'I have to tell you something, soon, okay?'
I'm not sure but I reply with a small 'okay' before looking at the darkness before me. I turn around to see that Cody's car has left a long time ago.
The end of March is in two weeks and I still don't know what the right thing for me to do is.
I tare up at the night sky and I can't help but not want to go back to my dorm. But any walk from here is too far. I canð believe I made it this far without a car.
The thought brings me back to Chrissy and the first time I went into her car to the mall.
I gulp down the pain of not only my guilt but the hurt of a friend who was killing me the whole time. I take a deep breath and tug my hands into my sweater, I'm going to freeze like this but the starry night is so mesmerizing so beautiful, I don' want to be alone in my dorm, not yet.
"Miles." I breathe into the air in front of me, wishing he was here with me and asking myself what I'd say to him, what I feel, what I want, and what I need because those things are all separate things and nothing seems to lead to him.
"Miles . . ." I breathe into the air as I walk, watching my breath turn into thick air that disappears before me.
"Miles . . . I realized something on the way here.
There are two soulmates for everyone in this world . . . both of them feel so good, they feel so right and neither of them gives you that sick feeling that there's something not right about the idea of you and them together . . . they both belong to you but only one of them is truly right for you, and the other . . . isn't. my mother married her wrong one, my dad was her soulmate but he wasn't right for her . . . she should have married the one that was right for her and that was her Jace . . . Bill," I breathe into the air in front of me, into the stars, and into the darkness.
"Madison." I hear behind m and I qucikly urn around, my hair dancing into the air as I turn sharply as if almost in a slow motion, my heart beating fast but all o a sudden it beats slower. Oh god.
"You're . . . you're here," I say but he doesn't answer me.
"I dropped Hayley off," he says and the words hurt me even though Cody did the same for me.
We don't belong in this world, not together, not like this, not with different people next to us.
He looks emotionless and I can't tell what he's thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking or if it's logical at all or if I meant what I just said.
"Miles, I—"
"I heard you," he says
"I heard you very clearly," he says and my heart stings me.
"I—"
"Goodnight, Madison," His lips say and I know that I've hurt him more than I can realize.