Lucas stood behind me as he ushered me into his bedroom. The right choice, since I could not trust myself to not make a run for it the moment I got the chance.
I paused to take in the sight of the room. I could easily tell it was his room as a teen because well it still looked like a teenage boy's room, a few things had probably been replaced, like the bar in the corner of the room and the bed that was now much larger than what a teen's bed would look like and the expensive looking rug at the foot of the bed, but the posters of famous celebrities and a long sheet of paper hanging off the wall that said "Lucas's to-do list," made it retain the charm of teenagehood.
It felt good to be in here getting even the slightest glimpse at what his life looked like as a boy. Countless trophies hung off the shelf on the wall and after reading the description on each, I concluded Lucas was a nerd, a sexy nerd. Most of them were from interstate challenges and high school competitions, while a few of them were won internationally.
"You keep these here?" I was no science genius, but if I had a shelf full of trophies from high school I would keep them right in front of my bed, so they would be the very first thing I got to see every morning.
"Mom takes pride in seeing them, so I left them behind for her," he said from the door. He leaned on the doorway, arms folded as he watched me take in the sight of the room. "I see them every time I come here, so it's no problem."
"How many are there?" I asked curiously.
"64." he shrugged.
"64?!"
"Or so," he gave a sheepish smile as he scratched his neck, "don't look at me like that, I had weird hobbies growing up."
"I'm just amazed," I turned back to back to continue admiring each piece.
"They won't break if you touch them, Chris," he said cooly.
"I'd rather not take chances," I moved over to the picture of him on the wall. It was a really younger version of Lucas—maybe teen, still as sexy in a tux, and it looked like a school party or something close.
"Prom Night," he informed me. "It's the only picture I got from that night," he chuckled.
"How do you look that handsome and take just a picture?" I raised a brow.
With a smug grin, he said, "while I'm flattered that you think I'm handsome..."
"You know you are,"
"Well..." he shrugged, and gave a contradicting smirk, before going on. "I was terribly shy as a teen, up until graduation. Actually, I was dragged to that party by my friends that night, a much rather alternative for me would have been to stay locked in my room trying to figure out new ways to get into the college I wanted to go to."
"It's hard to imagine you anything close to shy," I bit back laughter at the thought.
"Better believe it, I have changed a whole damn lot, but yes that was a time in my life. I would love to see your prom pictures too."
I scoffed, turning around and heading for the bed, "I would love to show them if they were any."
"You didn't go to prom?!"
I nodded, plopping on the bed, "living off the streets does not exactly provide you the luxury of dressing fancy for prom."
He wanted to say something, probably thought better of it and finally walked into the room. I was glad that he did not judge me or say anything else, most people hardy looked past the degree. The door clicked shut following his entrance and I knew it was time to get to the reason I was even talking to him in the first place.
"Want something to drink?" he asked as he stalked to the bar.
"I'd much rather have a clear head when I'm around you Lucas," I got comfortable on the bed, and crossed my ankles against each other.
"Me too, but you of all people should know how faltering my resolve to stay clear-headed is around you." he poured himself a glass of bourbon and downed it in one swig, then took a refill to swirl around before walking back to me.
"Is that meant to be a compliment?" I snapped. I knew what he meant, but now that we were slowly delving into my reason for coming here, furious Chris was slowly starting to resurface.
Lucas probably knew that too, so he just chuckled and took a seat across me. "What I mean is..."
"I know what you mean Lucas," I sighed, "what did you want us to talk about?"
He took another long swig of his drink, taking the chance to bore his gaze into my skin. I shifted on the bed, willing myself to stay composed and not squirm under his watchful eyes. "You said we needed to talk, not spend the whole night looking at each other," I kept my tone stern and without emotion. I did not need him thinking everything was fine between us just yet.
"I did not get to tell you that you looked the most beautiful when you had Abby and Aiden in your arms tonight. I don't think you understand what I feel when I see you taking care of them,"
"Stop changing the topic Lucas, why am I here?"
"Because I fucked up," he started, surprising me with how he jumped right into the facts. "You are my only ray of light in my very fucked up, confused, indecisive life, you brighten my whole life without even trying too hard and you feel that void echo of space in my heart with more love than I really thought was possible. But I fucked that up by letting that cloud of darkness into our happiness..."
My eyes were locked on my hands folded in my lap, and I swallowed hard, terrified to hear the answer to the question that had swirled in my mind since Mia's engagement. "Why?"
Please don't say because you still love her. Please do not break my heart any further than it's already broken.
"Because I'm an idiot, for starters," I was shocked at the bluntness in his answer, but that did not leave me any less close to my answer.
"You still love Sarah?" I asked in my smallest voice, dreading the answer.
"What?!"
"'Lucas you are still married to the woman six years after she leaves you and the twins if that's not love. then I do not know what it is." maybe Sarah was right. Maybe Lucas still loved her, but I was the reason he could not see that clearly, I was the reason he was not with her because he was probably mistaking his long-standing and unreciprocated love for Sarah as love for me.
"Indecisiveness, with a little bit of cowardliness, mixed with the fear that my life was never going to be meaningful without her." he admitted, "I did not sign the divorce papers the night Sarah left because I really thought it was one of her many tantrums about childbirth and she would be back by morning."
He chuckled humorlessly, and took a swig before speaking, "Two months passed slower than two years, she did not come back. Two years, nothing changes, and in the third year, I reopened the topic of divorcing again, got the papers ready, but like a coward, did not have the heart to do it. There was still that tiniest hope in my heart that Sarah would burst through the doors and try to divorce me on her own and I would take the chance, plead, grovel on my knees like a pathetic fool for her to come back to our family. It never happened even after five years, she never asked for a divorce, never tried to come in contact with me or the kids. Maybe she has moved on with her life, why do I have to remain fixed with waiting arms and emotionally stagnant? I thought. I took a few days to get the papers ready, fuck I signed them this time but did not have the heart to send them or even move them. They stayed on the countertop for days until I finally burned them."
I felt a twinge of guilt as he spoke. I never realized that Lucas had once loved Sarah so much that he could not divorce her. All these while I was demanding he told me everything, I never cared to check if this broken man—broken by the pain of being abandoned—I was too selfish to be there and actually give him the support he deserved. I felt like a bitch.
"I do not think you are a coward Lucas," I whispered.
"Yes I am—at least I was ." He downed the rest of his drink, and got to his feet, pacing slowly, "All of these years Chris, I never had the heart to do the one simple thing to get rid of whatever we shared, but yesterday for the first time in six years, I signed the papers at once without blinking, with steady hands and a resolved mind, because I finally realized that it takes courage to love and even more courage to keep the one you love. I would rather face whatever fear I've had in these last six years than lose you, Chris. I have that courage because I love you."'
"You should have explained everything to me, or Mia,"
"Mia had been taking my emotional baggage for years, and our relationship was just healing from the effects that room had on us, would you really have supported me if I told you I was finally having the courage for the first time in years to go through with the divorce?"
"I would have because I love you, Lucas. Do you know what that means? It means that I support you when you're trying to heal from a marriage that left you completely shattered, it means that I would stand right there by your side, holding your hand, while you took that step."
"I was terrified you would not understand. It's hard to explain it to anyone, and I just needed the right time to tell you."
"There's never a right time if there's something going on you tell me about it because I would much rather hear it from you, be mad about it for some minutes, and figure out how to sort it out than hear the hurtful news from someone who is supposed to be a stranger. No one else should be more informed about our relationship than you and I, if there's a secret you tell me, I can't promise to always act rationally about it, but I can promise you that I will try to sort it out with you."
"I'm sorry Chris," he inched closer to the bed but did not sit next to me yet, "I really never mean to lie to you, or keep secrets and I promise it will never happen again.'
"I heard that promise a few days ago and look where it got us." I blinked back tears, "I cannot give you my trust again Lucas, because I'm terrified. The moment I think we are way past all the secrets, then another comes even bigger than the first. What's next? What else could you possibly be hiding again?"
"Nothing else Chris..."
"Why should I believe anything you tell me? You do not trust me enough to share your secrets with me,"
He took my hand in his from where he stood at the foot of the bed, "because I love you, Chris, With all my heart. I want to fix this, I want to fix us and I really would do anything to make it work with you."
"And you intend to do that by?"
"I almost went crazy when I could not find you Chris, but I also got enough time to think, I do not want to hide anything from you Chris, not any details of my past or the life we have ahead, I want to share all of it with you and that's what I'm going to do."
"And what about Sarah?" I asked.
"I finalized the divorce yesterday. Whatever phase we had is over for real this time, and for her actions tonight, I'm getting a restraining order from her, she would not be able to come near you or the kids again or harm you." I sighed in relief at the news that they were now divorced.
"What happens if she refuses to sign the papers?" It was obvious the bitch had no intentions to leave our lives on her own.
"We have been separated for more than five years, it does not matter." his blue eyes raged with fire, I was wrong to think he had any love for Sarah, he loathed her, "And whatever hope she had to fight for the kids legally, she crushed it today by trying to take the kids by force,"
"So she'll be out of our lives?"
"With no permission to come anywhere near you or the kids and having spent a few weeks in jail for her actions tonight, I know Sarah will leave" he brought my fingers to his lips and kissed softly, "along with all of these problems we have had in the last few days."
"You may not trust me ever again and as much as I hope you do, I know I do not deserve your trust or love, not after all that has happened, but if it makes even the slightest difference, I did not mean to hurt you, Muffin,"
"It does," I whispered. "sometimes we hurt those we mean to love without meaning to, I'm not above that mistake either, what's important is that you did not mean to and you're willing to fix things again"
He sighed slowly and finally sat next to me on the bed, breaking any distance between us. He supped my cheeks, one hand still holding my g=fingers in his, "I'm sorry Chris, I really am,"
"I know, and I'm sorry for not being as understanding as I was supposed to be with you. I know Sarah's presence back in our lives is not easier for you than it is for me," I placed my hand over his on my cheek, "You know I did not mean to be so selfish..."
"You were too hurt at the time Chris, you were not being selfish. If anyone needs to ask forgiveness, it's me," his thumb made small circles over my hand, "please forgive...,"
My fingers were over his lips shushing him before he completed the question. He did not have to ask, whatever anger I felt for him in the last few days, was easily replaced by the desire to do more to fix him from the broken state Sarah had left him.
I got to my knees, on the bed, crawled toward him, and straddled him. A tear slid down my cheek as I wrapped my hand around his neck, not out of the feelings that had raced through me in the last few days, but out of the peace that settled inside me just from being so close to him. It was like I had been on a long journey for months, and just found my home. Home was where Lucas was to me and I would strive to do my part to keep my home.
Lucas was shocked by my action, but he still gripped me tight, "Chris...?"
My lips closed over his before the question was fully out of his mouth. A soft kiss lasted no more than a few seconds, but I could only hope it helped to resolve any doubt that lingered between us.
"Does that mean you forgive me?" he asked carefully when I pulled back.
"Yes it does," I smiled, finally. "and it also means that I'm coming back home with you."