Hey guys! I haven't been able to edit this, so please bear with the typos. I just really had to drop a chapter. Enjoy!
Song: Mount Everest -Labrinth
AZ
I can't believe less than a month ago, Kacely was at my place for dinner with Gramps. We all sat at the same table and cracked jokes and laughed and ate and everything was alright. I think that was the happiest I had ever been in a while. The happiest I have ever been in my life. I had a great relationship with my grandfather, it wasn't perfect but it was worth a lot. Shura and I were in a good place too. To top it all, I was in a healthy relationship with my boyfriend who I was very much in love with. Who I AM very much in love with. We were being honest with each other, we were about to write our exams in a few weeks and for the first time in my life, I started seeing the need to plan a future.
And then Shura found out she was pregnant,
Then I had to help search for her hospital book,
Then I saw mom's suicide note,
Then I slapped Gramps,
Then I went to Buea,
Then Gramps got shot,
Then Gramps got in a coma,
Then he woke up and I felt like God may actually love me,
But then Gramps died,
Yet I refused to give up.
I fasted
I prayed
I believe
But Gramps never woke up
And then those pretentious people came over to visit and I cussed them out (which I admit I probably shouldn't have), then Kacely left, then I had this dreamy-vision like hallucination about Gramps, then asking Shura for us to leave in the middle of the night (OK, maybe that was a bit too much), then showing up here, refusing to go home with Shura, fighting with Kacely, making out with Kacely, fighting with Kacely, throwing food on Kacely, fighting with Kacely...
When the hell did all that happen?
It's like watching a comedy/tragedy /blockbuster/thriller on fast forward. Yes, that is my life. A joke, a tragedy, a mystery on fast forward, on repeat, on shuffle. And the question is; What the fuck did I ever do to deserve all these? Where did I go wrong?
Why isn't this happening to other people? To Bryana for instance. She seems to have it all perfect. But look at me, I don't even know what I'm doing. And the only person who's been by me through all this, the only person who deals with my shit and still loves me, I'm pushing him away. Or rather, I already have. Have I?
I hope not. But then how will I know? He's with Bryana. I mean we had a fight and his first move is to go to Bryana? He's running to her like he did last time and look what happened. They kissed and almost hooked up even and they're together now. They might actually do it.
Can they? Would Kacely really do that to me?
I know I'm literally being intolerable right now, but he has to understand me, I'm going through a lot right now, I'm literally at my lowest . All I needed was a drink or a smoke but look what happened! I didn't actually mean to throw the food on him... well I did but I regretted it, I just wasn't like... in the position to apologize. He is supposed to be more understanding with me! But he's running off to Bryana. Well, not like I care. I don't need him, I don't need anyone! I'm fine on my own, I'll take care of myself. I'll get the drugs on my own.
I need drugs... God do I need drugs. But where will I get them from? I lost the number of my olug when I broke the last phone and the only place I can think of is the one I went to on 11th February.
"No ever come here again"
"I go help you, but no ever come back for here, you don hear? If you get to come no come you one."
"You no fit come for this kind place wey you no know who you di come here for. Ajebo they nodi come for here"
"This quarter dangerous, thief people, rapist, all kind banga smoker them dey here."
Pope tried to accentuate the dangers of me going there so many times. He warned and warned. But honestly, what do I have to lose by going there? I've already lost everything, literally. You can't steal from an empty box. If I'm to die of depression, I should at least feel those few seconds of ecstasy that drugs bring. Those moments of nothingness, of numbness, of silence.
I don't have any money on me, but Kacely should have some money somewhere in here. I trash his whole room but I don't see anything I can really use. Just a a pink note, a blue note and a few coins . Damn it!
Afi's room...
I search and search and when I lift up her mattress, there's a piggy bank. I reach for it and that annoying voice in my head tells me to put it back.
That's God talking right? Where was he when I needed him to bring Gramps back to me? I pick it up, and when I empty it, it's full of gold like coins, twenty five francs coins. They sum up to 475frs. I can't take this. Not from Afi, she's mouthy and sort of annoying but I've come to care for her, so I put it back. What am I doing? I was about to rob a seven year old girl. Is this who I'm becoming?
But who gives a shit anymore? Why should I care about morals or hurting people's feelings? I grab the coins and when I head downstairs, I stare at Abena's door. She should have money.
I get in and start searching. I find an envelope at the bottom of her jewelry box containing a couple of purple notes, so I grab five of them before heading out.
After pacing the living room for a while, I succumb and return three of the notes before going back to Afi's room to return the coins. I toss them on her bed and hurry out. I just couldn't bring myself to leave with Afi's money. I'm mad at myself for still caring about anything. But soon enough, I won't give a shit about anything or anyone, I'll be emotionless. If at all I'll be here that long because honestly, I'm just done with life. I don't know for how long I can keep up this routine of sending air in and out of my lungs.
A bike pulls up in front of me and I snap out of my thoughts.
"We go wuside?" He asks as he chews.
"No ever come back for here, you don hear? If you get for come, no come you one." I hear Pope's voice warn again.
"Old town" I say and swallow. My heartbeat increases at the sound of the place. The man signals for me to get on so I do. While we ride, I try imagining the worst case scenarios of what could actually go wrong, but none of them are worse than what I've been through so far in this jest called my existence.
We arrive the place eventually and after paying the bike man, I get off and stare at the footpath. There's more grass there now and I see a madman starring at me as I approach the building. He starts shaking his head frantically and when I ignore him, he grabs my hand. I fight him off and push him before escaping. He even scratched me in the process. Idiot! What was that for?
I look up at the sky and a raindrop falls on the bridge of my nose causing me to close my eyes. It's about to rain but I'm not going anywhere till I get some drugs. There are no guys in-front of building like last time- that's a relief. I'll just get the drugs and leave and then tomorrow I'll get money from the bank, repay Abena and Kacely. That way, when I leave for Paris, no one and nothing will be able to stop me. I won't owe anyone anything.
The corridor is dark and the only light shining in is through the holes on the wall. The air is thick with the scent of mould and I try my best not to sneeze and attract any attention. I finally arrive in front of the room, I knock and knock but Pope doesn't respond.
"Pope!" I whisper loudly as I keep knocking but I don't get a response.
"Come on you can't not be home!!!" I lose it and punch the door. "Fuck!" I yell when the after effect of the contact between my balled fist and the wooden surface starts seeping in.
This is my last resort. It can't be impossible to reach him, not now.
"Pope! Pope!" I yell . Not caring if anyone hears me. "Pope!"
"A say eh... Na who that?" A voice asks from behind me and I shake in fright. "You be fool? How you di knack person e door, di so so knack am even time wey the person no di answer? How you dull so? You no di see sey sun di hot?" (Are you stupid? How will you keep knocking someone's door even when they are clearly not home? Can't you see the sun is hot?"
Galah. It's literally drizzling outside. The motherfucker should be high as shit. (Galah is an Australian slang for foolish person)
"Na who fes get that kind heart for di knack door so for here?" Another guy comes from the back with a pipe in his hand. It's that guy from the last time I was here, the one with the dreads- Bénard I think.."You dey find who?" He asks. (who is so courageous to be knocking a door here so loudly in the first place?)
"Um... I'm looking for Pope." I respond
"Can't you see he's not here? Stop knocking the door and come back another time" he says and sends out a puff.
"OK" I nod with disappointment and turn to leave. "Um eh... do you... do you sell drugs too, by any chance?"
"Yes..." he asks after looking at me from head to toe.
"What do you want?"
"Cocaine... Or anything. Anything hard."
"Anything? Baby girl we have everything" Bénard smirks. "Come on right in"
"You sure sey di nga no be spy?" The other guy frowns.(Are you sure this girl isn't a spy?)
"Calm down" he pats the other guy's shoulder and walks in. I follow suit and the grumpy guy watches me keenly with an even sterner frown.
Mook.
"Have a seat" Benard says and fastens the belt of his robe before reaching for a trunk.
"We have kratom, Avitam, Valium, MSD, mescaline,adderall, DXM, Vicodin, ketamine, heroins, good old marijuana and cocaine. Which one do you want?" He asks as my craving sky rockets. I remember that I don't have a lot of money on me so I have to settle for something not so expensive. Damn it!
"What will you prefer?" He asks
"What do you recommend?"
"For what exactly? Do you just want to get high or you need courage for something or you want to float and feel happy?"
"I want to float... to soar... to forget... to relax" I explain and he smirks before nodding.
"The problem is, I don't have a lot of money on me right now."
"Don't worry, it's not that expensive" he says and looks at me more keenly. "Hold on... I know you don't I? Mira right? Mirabelle?"
"Right"
"Wrong. You said your name was Miranda. You lied" he calls me out and I swallow
"Um..."
"That doesn't matter." He laughs. "Just don't do it again" he says and the quick transition between his smile and his frown is disturbing."What's your name... Your real name... Don't lie."
"Azinwi"
"Azinwi? Bafut?"
"Apparently"
"Abela?" (How are you?)
"Um... I don't speak the dialect" I inform him.
"Too bad"
"Are you from Bafut too?"
"No" he says and pours whiskey into two glasses. Thank goodness. He hands me one and I gulp it down within seconds. "Merde, calm down" he giggles.
"Sorry," I smile and burp "it's just been so long"
"Feel free, there's more where that came from" I pour in more into the glass and take about four more shots as he watches me keenly.
"So Azinwi, how do you know my man Pope?"
"I don't really know him per se , he just used to hook one of my friends up with stuff from time to time"
"I see." He says as I gulp in another shot.
"Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed this"
"You're welcome. But, you don't look so good. What's wrong?" He asks and as low as I feel right now, I can't confide in a stranger. I'm not that desperate.
"C'mon you can talk to me." He smirks and pushes his hair to the left. "It's quite obvious... You're a wreck right now"
"I'm fine. Can I please just have some cocaine to go with"
"You'll get your cocaine, possibly for free if you take advantage of my listening ear." He says and walks towards me. I get scared but he pours himself a drink and just keeps waiting. "Are you going through a break up?"
Possibly
"Did you lose something important? Someone important?"
"Yes" I give in. "I lost the most important person I had in my life, my only family"
"Your mom? Your dad..?"
"My grandfather" I admit and he nods.
"I'm sorry"
"Aren't we all?" I scoff "You know, I don't get it. I don't get why bad things keep happening to me. My mom literally killed herself moments after she gave birth to me, my dad probably doesn't even know I exist, my grandmother hated me, she could still be hating me now from her grave. The only person who ever truly loved me, he died. No he was taken away from me. And now my boyfriend is possibly fucking someone else as we speak."
"Whoa whoa whoa... simmer down sweetheart. Here have another drink" he says and pours me some more whiskey.
"That's a lot of information"
"I'm sorry" I say and fight the tears building in my eyes.
"Don't be. But you mean to tell me that after everything your man still cheated on you, I mean who would cheat on you? Look at you"
"Well he is cheating. Despite everything going on he won't get me a drink, talk less of drugs or even fuck me, yet he says he loves me, and immediately we have a little misunderstanding, he runs back into the arms of a girl he's cheated on me with before"
"How can he even resist you? Excuse me if I'm being too real but... I I don't want to say what I would've done to you if I was in his shoes"
"That's all I wanted. All I wanted was to feel less horrible for even a nanosecond . That moment of pure nothingness and numbness and partial non-existent. All I needed was alcohol or drugs but he won't give me that either. He keeps saying he wants to take care of me, that stuff aren't good for me but I don't need a chaperone, I can take care of myself." I say and catch a breath "He said he was on his way to study with Bryana, the girl he's cheated on me before with! They are probably fucking as we speak and I keep getting flashes of the video taken the last time they almost had sex. But who gives a fuck? From my perspective we aren't even together anymore." I say and wipe off my tears. I look at him and he's just smirking at me.
"Sorry if I'm boring you with all this long talk."
"Come on love, you're not boring me. You're just venting"
"Yeah but I'm putting all this weight on you. I'm just... I'm tired and angry, but somebody should be... Right?"
"Definitely. Believe it or not we have more in common than you think. Except for the fact that you're rich of course."
"And sad"
"Yeah you're one hell of a sad rich girl" he agrees. "My life's fucked up too. I went abroad and things didn't work out for me. I went to med school, wanted to be a pharmacist, I was super smart... I am super smart, but I got involved in some illegal stuff to keep myself going and I ended up behind bars. Mom died while I was in jail, don't know who my dad is either... I got deported and when I got back, everything just kept going downhill. Till I found myself here, selling drugs to people who are just as frustrated as I am."
"I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry too. But hey... I still get to prescribe drugs to help people right? And I'm slowly putting together my own meth lab..."
"You're assembling a meth lab?"
"Yea I am... it'll be the best in Africa" he brags "So in a way I am still living my dream. Look I just helped you out." He says and I laugh, maybe he isn't as bad as he seems. He stares at me for a while and I start getting uncomfortable. "You're in a lot of pain... Not physical pain but emotional pain." He slurs
"I am..."
"Hey" he says and walks toward me. "You just need to calm the fuck down and medicate your situation. I have just the cure for you."
"What's that?" I ask, drinking from the bottle.
"Ever heard of fentanyl?"
"No?"
"You sure? Maybe you've heard of it in different names...other names: China girl, goodfella, TNT, murder 8, Duragesic, Actiq, Subimaze?"
"I have heard of Actiq, way back. I know of it but I've never tried it."
"What do u know about it?"
"That it can get you super fucking high" I giggle
"Affirmative. It can give you the happiness you're looking for." He states and picks up a sachet between his fingers. "When you take this, just like heroin, morphine and the other opioid drugs, it'll bind to the opioid receptors found in areas of the brain that control pain and emotions. It increases the release of dopamine from certain nerve cells in the brain's reward center, reinforcing the sense of euphoria."
"You really are a pharmacist" I have to admit, he has mastered this shit to a science. He smiles and lights up his pipe.
"I am right?" He asks and blows out some smoke. "They deported me but they couldn't kill the dream. I still study drugs and prescriptions. If my guys are sick, I know exactly what to give them, we don't to go to some hospital. If you go to the hospital right now, they'll tell you you're depressed and though it may be true, this is what you need; fentanyl." He explains and I nod. "And guess what? You can take it with cocaine."
"Cocaine mixed with fentanyl?"
"Yes. A shot, a patch, powder form using whichever method you prefer."
"I really don't know about that" I say nervously.
"What you don't trust me? Listen honey, if I had to do something to you, I would've. But I understand you... I understand that you need help, so let me help you. Which will you prefer?"
"Powder?"
"You got it" he smiles and lines it up
"Wait..." I interrupt "What are the side effects?"
"It can cause breathing problems, nausea and confusion. It can reduce the quantity of oxygen going to the brain-hypoxia But you're a strong girl. Trust me that's not a problem."
"I don't know about that... Besides I do not have money for it"
"This one's on the house. Trust me, I got you."
"I'm not sure..." I really don't feel good about this.
"Just once...I'll even take it with you... We'll do it together. Alright?" He says and I'm still not sure. "Alright?"
"OK..."
Bénard rolls four lines of the white powder on his table before rolling two notes and gives me one. I take it and we both place the notes at the edge of the lines.
"Ready?" He asks and I nod before we pull the powder through the notes into our noses.
Fuuuuuucccccckkkk...
•••••••••••••
So she relapsed.☹
I don't know how I feel about this, but how do you guys feel about this? Especially about this guy Bénard?
Let me know!
I pray I get more time to write so by Sunday we can have an update and possibly a double one.
Y'all stay safe, have a great day and pls vote!