Private Angel Log Entry Fourteen
I was attempting to close my eyes when I was heard voices arguing softly from one of the rooms. Deciding to go investigate - sleep wasn't going to happen anyway - I crept out into the hallway on silent feet, trying to determine who was up this late.
I probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but I was tired of lying in bed with only my thoughts to keep my company, and I was eager for any excuse to escape my mind for a short while.
I stopped outside Brendon and Ryan's room, it was definitely their voices that had captured my attention, but it was surprising to me that they were fighting; usually they were in perfect sync with each other, but obviously something had upset them. Being the nosy bastard I was, I settled down on the floor outside of their room and listened.
"You don't control me Brendon! I can make my own decisions and I'm going!" Ryan hissed out angrily, and I recoiled slightly at the venom in his tone. I hadn't thought sweet quiet Ryan possessed the ability to sound so pissed off.
"Like fuck you are! This is a matter between demon and angels - you are still human Ry, so please just let me take you home," Brendon pleaded softly, but I could hear Ryan's scoff through the wooden door.
"I am a part of this too! I basically planned this whole fucking thing - I deserve to be there!" Ryan protested loudly.
"Ry - if you are there, I won't be able to concentrate, I will be trying to watch you the whole time, and I need to be focused on the battle. I would leave you here, but without any angels to protect you, I can't risk it. The safest place for you to be is at your apartment okay?"
"Oh yeah - just ship me off to safety so I can drive myself crazy waiting to hear if you are still alive," Ryan's words were thick with tears, but they still carried quite a bite to them.
"I will be fine - it's you that I'm worried about," Brendon argued back.
"Who cares if I die? I will just turn into an angel anyway - I wouldn't even mind if I became a demon! At least I would get to see you more!" Ryan lost his composure completely, and I knew without seeing him that tears were pouring down his face.
"I care! I want you to have a full life. I didn't get that chance, but you can!" Footsteps sounded across the creaky floor, and I assumed that Brendon had moved to Ryan's side to comfort him. I briefly wondered how Brendon had died...I think he had mentioned it once before - from an illness maybe, but I pushed it out of my mind when they continued talking.
"It's not like I will cease to exist. I know that if I get killed, I won't really die, just my body." Ryan choked out hoarsely.
"This is why God doesn't want humans to know about angels...he didn't even want to let me come visit you, but I think he took pity on me, but Ry - your life right now matters. Yes, you will keep existing after death, but it's not the same okay, and I don't want that for you. I won't risk you out there on a battlefield, and you need to accept that."
"I can't - I can't go back...please don't make me?" Ryan's voice had grown so quiet, I could barely make out what he was saying.
"Ry...what's wrong, and don't say that you are worried about me - I know it is more than that."
"I don't want to live anymore...if it wasn't for your visits once a month, I don't know where I would be..." Ryan admitted softly.
"Ry...why would you say that?" Brendon gasped.
"It hasn't been the same since you died...I didn't want you to worry, but...fuck - I can't even say it."
"Baby what happened?" Brendon pressed gently. I found myself holding my breath so I wouldn't miss a word that was spoken. I barely knew Ryan, but seeing this side of him broke my heart, and I wanted to know what had brought him so much pain.
"It's Spencer...at first I thought he was just worried about me. He was always around, checking up on me and texting me after you died...but then he got pushy. He kissed me out of the blue one day, and even after I told him I wasn't interested, he kept trying...." Ryan broke off for a moment, and I realized that my hands had clenched into fists.
"Spencer? Your boss?" Brendon asked in a shocked tone of voice.
"Yeah...when he wouldn't back off, I kinda lost it. It wasn't like I could tell him I was still with you, so I yelled at him at work, and he fired me. I actually wasn't that upset, because I wouldn't have to see him anymore, and I thought I could find another job..."
"That's not all is it?" Brendon took the words out my head. I suddenly realized I should probably leave before they noticed my presence, but my curiosity got the better of me, and I stayed put.
"No...it's not. About two months ago, I went to a party with Dallon...and Spencer was there. He was already wasted by the time I arrived, but I didn't notice him until I was already a little drunk. I couldn't find Dallon, and - I - he...Spencer raped me." The last words came out in a whisper, and I had to cover my mouth to hold back the sob that had formed in my throat.
"Fuck no -" A dull thud reverberated throughout the hallway, and I was pretty sure that Brendon had punched the wall.
I couldn't believe Ryan had been subjected to something so terrible...no one deserved that, but especially not this sweet quiet boy that had the kindest soul out of any human I knew.
"That's not the worst thing I have been keeping from you..." I heard the rustling of clothing being shifted, and I wished I had x-ray vision so I could see what was happening.
"Ry...please don't tell me what's what I think it is?"
"I'm sorry Bren! I don't even know why I did it the first time...I just needed to forget. I couldn't close my eye without seeing Spencer's face, and Jon offered it to me...I only meant to do it once, but now I can't stop."
"But baby...this could kill you...what have you been shooting up?" Everything finally clicked in my head, and I knew that what Ryan was showing Brendon was his arms, which were probably full of puncture wounds from needles.
"Mostly cocaine...some heroin too," Ryan sniffled quietly.
I was thoroughly shocked by what Ryan had just revealed, never once had I entertained the idea that he could be hiding such a terrible secret, and I wished I had paid more attention to the fact that he had always worn long sleeves as long as he had been here - not that I could have done anything about this if I had known...but still...
"Fucking hell Ryan...I wish you had told me." Brendon was crying now too, and I felt tears pricking at my own eyelids.
"Now do you understand why I don't care if I die? I'm a drug addict with no job, and I'm probably going to be homeless soon...so I can't go back there when you are out risking your life for a cause that actually means something. Please don't make me Bren?"
"I...fuck - I don't even know what to say," Brendon stammered out.
"Say that you will let me stay with you. I'll keep out of sight, I'll listen to whatever you tell me to do. Just don't make me go back home...I'll do anything."
"Ryan I - I want you with me always, but it isn't fair to you. I can help you get over this drug addiction. You can move away from all of these bad memories and start over." I could hear Brendon's resolve wavering, and I didn't blame him. If my opinion mattered at all, I would have let Ryan join us, he was a part of this now - whether Brendon wanted him to be or not.
"How can you do that if you don't even know if you will live through this battle?" Ryan pointed out softly.
"You will stay back the whole time? No matter what happens?" Brendon asked sternly, and I could imagine the smile on Ryan's face.
"Yes! I promise!" Ryan basically squealed.
"Fine...I will take you with me, but only if you stop hiding things from me. I love you Ryan, and I want to be able to help you, but I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong," Brendon chastised him kindly.
"I'm sorry...you just had so much going on that I didn't want to bother you with shit that you couldn't change anyway."
"Well don't do that again...and Spencer better hope I never run into him, because I might literally kill him..." Brendon growled under his breath.
"It doesn't matter now Bren...it's over. I still have you, and I haven't done any drugs since I've been with you. We will get through this."
"You are the most important thing in the world to me okay?" I heard the familiar sound of lips being pressed together, and I knew it was past time for me to leave. As I hurried back to my room, I caught one last whispered sentence before I closed my door, which blocked them out completely.
"I love you Brendon."
My heart constricted painfully inside my chest, and I had to stand still for a moment until the ache passed. I shouldn't be envious of Ryan and Brendon, especially not after what I had just heard, but apparently I wasn't as good at containing my jealously as I thought.
Even though Ryan had been through a terrible ordeal, they still had each other...at least for now. They could comfort each other with warm embraces and soft kisses, while I had no one.
The tears I had been holding back earlier began spilling down my cheeks, and I wasn't even sure if I was crying because of what had happened to Ryan, or because of what was most likely happening to Gerard - it was probably a mixture of both to be honest.
I only had to hold myself together for a little bit longer though, we were leaving for Black Rock Desert tomorrow to make sure we were the first to arrive, and then it would only be one more night until this was all over - in one way or another.
Because I had decided that I wasn't leaving without Gerard, and if I failed in that, then I would make a last stand that would be spoken of for centuries.
*braces myself for the FOB comments*
Oh my gosh I am so sorry for the unexpected feels, I did not plan this out, it just sort of happened.
Also I apologize for how short this was. The next few chapters will probably be about the same length, because I am trying to wrap everything up before I get to the big battle scene, so just bear with me.
This chapter is dedicated to Insanelover123 because they made me squeal when they said they loved this story ^_^
BTW I MET FRANK AND I AM DEAD! THIS IS A GHOST WHO IS WRITING THIS!
((((spooky vibes))))
<3 starr