I stare at the mess in front of me, trying to figure out where to begin. All of my clothes are spread across my bed and floor, the small arts and crafts I've made throughout my time here tucked away in my suitcase. Anything else that I brought with me is distributed across the room.
When I first arrived, I couldn't wait to leave, but now, I don't know how I'm going to survive without any liquid courage. I've gotten used to it, but I don't have to deal with insensitive pricks and the rest of my shit-show of a life here.
And once we get back, I don't know if I'll even have Ryder. At any given point in my life, I've always had Ryder.
"How the hell are you still not done packing?" Callie asks. "You've been at it since this morning."
"I'm not a good packer," I say sheepishly. "Honestly, I'm not even sure where to start anymore. It's just such a mess and there's so much to figure out and what if it doesn't fit and work together what then do I just leave it?"
Callie stares at me, looking me up and down. "Is this just about packing? Or something else too?"
I scoff, picking up clothes and tossing them in the bag. "Of course not, what could it possibly be about other than packing?"
"Ryder." I stop. "Kai, everything will work out, I promise."
"That's the thing, Cal. You can't promise that. What if he doesn't feel the same and I lose him?"
"I think you've been through too much together to lose each other."
"Maybe." I dump out everything in my suitcase and start folding my shirts. "Whatever, it's a problem for future me. One last day and then we can figure out the mess, right?"
"Of course," Callie replies, grabbing a shirt to fold. We silently pack my suitcase, filling it up with clothes and the trinkets I've collected. I place my journal on the top, using the polaroid of me and Emma as a bookmark.
Zipping up my suitcase, I look around Cabin 13A. Once considered Satan's guesthouse, but somehow became a second home for me.
"You know, I didn't really like you when I came here?" I say. "Well, I didn't really like anything when I got here."
"Yeah, I know."
~*~
As I'm heading toward the oak tree, I linger back. Callie, Hayden, and Zach are already there, laughing amongst themselves. The sun is bright and the sky is without a cloud in sight. It should be a perfect day. But it's much, much more complicated.
"You okay?" I turn my head to the voice.
"Yeah. Are you?"
Ryder sighs. "I think so. Not sure if I'm 100% ready."
"Do we have to be 100%?" I ask.
He thinks for a moment. "I don't think so." He throws his arm around my shoulder and we walk together to the tree, meeting up with our friends. I catch Callie's eye, who gives me a look I can't quite decipher. I mouth "what" to her, only getting a shake of a head as a response.
"Well gang, final group session. Are y'all ready? " Jayden asks as he approaches us.
"As ready as can be," Hayden says, cracking his knuckles. "Let's get started."
Jayden chuckles. He holds out a small bouquet of flowers, telling Zach to take one and pass it around. "These are pink carnations. In certain cultures, a pink carnation symbolizes the remembrance of the deceased."
"Like diadelosmuertos?" Hayden asks.
"Sort of. Diade Los Muertos is more of a celebration of the process of life and death, while flowers are another way to express emotions. Different flowers and colors also mean different things in most cultures. Some symbolize love, acceptance, purity, even hatred." Jayden responds. I take the flower, passing the last one onto Ryder. "Today, we're going to remember your loved ones. To do that, we're going on a small hike."
"What do hiking and flowers have to do with remembering loved ones?" I ask, twirling the flower around in my hand.
"It's about the destination, not the journey," Ryder says.
"I'm pretty sure it's the other way around," Zach points out.
Jayden chuckles. "It is the other way around, but in this case, Ryder happens to be right."
"Ha! I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid," Ryder boasts, the smile reaching his eyes.
We gather our flowers and stand up, ready for our hike into the unknown. Following Jayden through the woods, we walk for a little over 15 minutes, but for someone who doesn't have an athletic bone in their body, it feels like 50. Eventually, we reach a small creek that can't be wider than a tree trunk. The water flows quickly, taking small pieces of dirt and fallen leaves with it.
Jayden stops suddenly, halting the rest of us. "This seems like a good spot," he mutters before turning around to face us. "How many of you are holding onto some feeling of guilt, resentment, fear, etc?"
At first, no one's hand goes up, none of us ready to admit that we still do hold onto the guilt of still being alive, the resentment of them dying. The fear of living without our loved ones. But it's there, it's all there, despite our best efforts.
I raise my hand slowly. "I wish I could let go of it. I don't want to be angry at Emma. Or at myself. It's exhausting." I look around at my friends, whose hands are also up.
Jayden smiles. "While today's final activity is for remembrance, it's also about acceptance. Accept that you have lost someone and that is okay. Accept that you're allowed to feel your feelings and heal at your own pace. Accept the things you feel that you need to in order to let go. Let go of the guilt, the pain, the anger."
"What if I can't? What if I can't do it just yet?" Zach whispers, his voice shaky.
"Then that's okay too. Feel your feelings." I glance at Ryder, who's already looking at me. He gives me something that resembles a smile, but it's so small that I can't tell if anything was actually there or if my mind is playing tricks on me.
I twirl the flower in my hand, resisting the urge to pluck off the petals and drop them one by one into the creek. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. Not.
"So what do we have to do?" Hayden asks.
"Say your piece. Let go of things you want to let go of. And let your flower flow into the creek," Jayden explains. "Who wants to go first?"
Callie steps forward. "I'm letting go of the guilt of being the one who called them home that night. I didn't kill them. And I'm letting go of my resentment over the other driver. He has to carry his own guilt." She places her flower gently into the stream, watching it drift away.
"I'm letting go of my anger. Syd lived a damn good life before it was taken away by cancer. And I know she fought as hard as she could. She said goodbye that night, she knew it was going to take her. So I forgive myself for leaving," Hayden says, letting go of his own flower. He stands next to Callie, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She rests her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. The emotional toll of this activity seems to be the heaviest of them all and only 2 people have shared.
"I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet," Zach shares. "But I'm ready to accept that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault." Zach kneels into the muddy bank, gingerly letting the flower slip from his fingers. He stands up, joining hands with Callie.
"It wasn't my fault either." Ryder looks at me before he looks at the flower in his hand. "I'm letting go of Emma. She can't be my future anymore. So I'm accepting it. I'm letting go of my past." He squats close to the stream, holding onto the stem of the flower for a moment longer before dropping it, letting it go. Letting her go.
I don't want to let go of my best friend. But I have to.
I take a deep breath. "I'm letting go of my resentment and anger toward Emma for leaving me here alone. For putting me through all this shit. Because I'm not alone, not anymore. So I'm letting her go."
Crouching, I dip my hand into the creek, letting the water run through my fingers as I let go of the flower stem. "Gone, but never forgotten," I whisper as the pink and green drift away.
I stand up, dusting off the dirt from my pants, and join hands with Ryder, forming our circle. Jayden joins in and starts the squeeze. Callie squeezes my hand, and I squeeze Ryder's.
"I'll leave you with one last piece of wisdom; something that my counselor told my group." Jayden starts, looking at each one of us. I wonder if our group reminds him of his own.
"We don't outgrow the grief and pain, we grow around it, and that's okay."
________________________________________________________________________________
only two chapters left guys!!
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signing out now
themusicsoul