In the temple at Sandtrap, with an alien firing a machine gun turret. Pans to Sarge, Thea and Grif, who are taking cover behind a corner and avoiding gunfire.
Sarge: Grif, listen. We may not both make it out of this.
Grif: What?
Sarge: If you die, I think I'm prepared to live with that. I practiced it a lot. But there's also a chance you might survive and I won't!
Grif: (irritated) There'd be a better chance if you'd help me shoot! (starts to fire back at the alien)
Thea: Yeah sir! (Shots at an alien and lands a hit on him.) Yes!
Sarge: In case I don't make it, I can't help but think about all the future mistakes you're gonna make that I'm not gonna be there to scream at you about!
Grif: (sarcastic) Oh, stop. I'm getting all teary-eyed.
Thea: (Sarcastic) I think I see him shaking a bit.
Sarge: I just want to let you know that at my bunk back at the base, there's a recorder deck. I've prerecorded about 57 hours of rants that should be applicable in a variety of situations. Whenever you're feeling good about yourself, I want you to play one. And always remember! Somebody hates you.
The alien ceases gunfire when Epsilon-Church floats above him into the room and looks down at him.
Epsilon-Church: Oh hey, alien. What's up?
The alien immediately drops his gun and bows down.
Tucker: Cease fire!
Grif and Thea stops shooting.
Epsilon-Church: Um, the alien's being weird in here.
Grif: What's it doing?
Tucker: No, no, I've seen this before. Some of the aliens worship this ancient technology. This one probably thinks Church is sort kind of god.
Epsilon-Church: Wow! Seriously? That's pretty freaking cool.
Caboose: (gasps) Maybe that's why your name is Church!!
Epsilon-Church: (looks at Thea) If I'm God does that make you my angel daughter?
Thea: (Irritated) Not even gonna try.
Epsilon-Church looks back at the alien.
Epsilon-Church: Oh, what's up, prayin' dude? How do ya' like me now? BIP-(smashes a box into the alien)-O!
Thea: Whoa!
Tucker: W-T-Hell! Why did you do that!? I think that's taking advantage of your deity status, dude!
Epsilon-Church: Well, what good is being a god if you can't smite some people? Let's have fun...
Thea: I think you mean a king, not a god. I think, I don't know I'm Jewish.
They suddenly Heard a voice.
C.T.: The shots came from down here!
Soldier: Yikes!
C.T.: Form up, men!
Sarge: Whoa! Incoming!
Epsilon-Church: (floats back into the other room and flees) Good luck, guys!
Thea: Coward.
C.T. charges in with another soldier and Smith.
C.T.: Freeze! Lower your weapons!
Other soldiers and aliens are seen rushing in from a different entrance.
C.T. (to Tucker): You... do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused me? I should kill you right here.
Epsilon-Church: (reappears) Somebody's gettin' killed? I wanna watch.
C.T.: You activated it...!?
Thea: So now you come back to see someone get killed.
Epsilon-Church: Activated what?
C.T.: Secure the relic! Don't let it get away!
The soldier behind C.T. pulls out a glowing pistol.
Epsilon-Church: Oh, cool pistol! Green's my favorite color.
Thea: The hell?
The soldier fires at Epsilon-Church, who yells some gibberish and is then knocked down.
Caboose: Church!
Thea: No!
C.T.: Yes!
Smith: 'No!'
C.T.: Great shot, Jones.
Jones: Thanks! But it's actually pronounced Jo-n-es, sir.
Smith slugs Jones and he falls over. Smith continues to beat him.
Jones: What the...?
C.T.: Smith!? What are you doing!?
The other aliens look at one another before firing at C.T.'s other soldiers.
Sarge: What's happening!?
Tucker: Dude, the aliens don't like their human buddies beating up on their religious artifacts.
Thea: I'd do the same if someone said they didn't like Star Wars.
There is an explosion. A soldier falls to the ground completely covered in needles. C.T. begins to flee while grabbing Epsilon.
C.T.: Get out of the way!
Tucker: Let's go!
Caboose: Wait! We need to grab Church!
Grif: That guy in brown armor grabbed him!
Thea: Karabast!
C.T.: (running out of the temple) Cover me until I'm clear!
A soldier on a turret is tracing C.T. C.T. tosses Epsilon-Church into his jeep. Other soldiers on the Elephant mount their own Mongooses. C.T. drives off. Smith exits the temple and walks around in search for C.T.
Smith: 'Get back here!'
The troops on the Mongoose also drive off. Caboose, Thea and Grif charge out of the temple followed by Sarge.
Grif: There he goes! Everybody, get in the jeep!
Sarge: We gotta get that thing turned over!
Caboose: I'll do it! (flips it with ease)
Sarge: Wow, you are strong.
Sarge takes the shotgun position and Caboose takes the gun while Thea gets on her mongoose.
Grif: Is this thing gonna even start? (takes the driver's seat)
Sarge: Hopefully. Come on, Chupababy!
Grif starts the engine and drives off with Thea behind him as Tucker is seen running around the temple.
Caboose: Tucker, where are you going?
Tucker: There's no room for me! I'll be right back!
Thea: You better not save your own skin!
Cuts to Valhalla. Simmons, Lopez, Shawn and Donut are charging out from behind a clump of boulders towards Blue Base.
Simmons: Okay, look for anything that looks like a vehicle. It may have wheels... and/or seats.
Lopez: ¡Sabemos cómo se ve un vehículo![We know what a vehicle looks like!]
Simmons: Stay calm. Don't panic.
Lopez: Usted es el que está entrando en pánico![You're the one who's panicking!]
Shawn: Yeah dude, we're the only ones calm.
Donut: Lopez is right, maybe we should panic.
Simmons: I'll try back here. It has to be—(crashes into a cloaked vehicle) Oh! (falls back) ...somewhere...
Shawn: Ha!
The Warthog materializes.
Donut: What the heck was that!? What? Invisible car? That's too cool.
Simmons: The Meta must've cloaked it... (stands) Ugh...
Lopez: Te lo dije[Told you so.]
Simmons: I've never seen anything like this before either, Lopez.
Lopez: ¡Jódete![Screw you!]
Shawn: Definitely.
Simmons: Okay, everybody, hop in. Let's get the hell out of here.
Cuts back to Sandtrap and the team chasing after C.T.
Sarge: There he goes!
Grif: Uh yeah, I see him.
Sarge: Well, see him faster!
Caboose: Look out for the guys behind us!
Thea: Great!
The soldiers in the Mongoose chasing Sarge, Grif, Thea and Caboose launch a rocket.
Grif: How can I look out for guys that are behind us!?
The rocket flies passed C.T. C.T. swerves.
C.T.: Don't shoot at me! Shoot at them!
Thea: These guys shoot like bucket heads!
The three change directions. C.T. is now in front with his troops in the Mongoose trailing behind him. Sarge, Grif, and Caboose are in the back. The soldiers launch another rocket at the team but miss, twice. When they drive over a hill, the Mongoose tips and rolls over, falling behind. Aliens in a Prowler chase after them. C.T. takes a different route than Grif but is still in sight.
Sarge: Caboose! Charge that cannon!
Caboose: Okay! It's running!
Sarge: Fire!
They fire at C.T., but then their Warthog afterwards is disabled. C.T. gets away.
Sarge: Hey!
Grif: The engine died!
Thea: Great.
The aliens pass by, still chasing after C.T.
Caboose: Look! Aliens! Well, they must be here to help!
Sarge: They're going after C.T.! Grif, get the engine started!
A rocket whirs by them.
Grif: Uh... Sarge?
Sarge: Uh oh!
They turn to their right; the soldiers on the Mongoose are in sight. Tucker screams from a distance, catching the soldiers' attention.
Tucker: HEY ASSHOLES!! (flies overhead on a Chopper) YAAAAAAHHHHAHAHHHAHAHHH!! (crashes into a cave-like entrance) ... Shit.
Thea: Worse dramatic entrance ever, of all time.
Caboose: Cannon's charged.
Sarge: Okay then, screw it, shoot 'em.
Caboose fires at the soldiers.