So hello, I thought it was time for another update. I don't really have anything to say for myself (you will understand after reading this). Feel warned. I don't really know how to go on from where this chapter leaves off so it could be quite a while. Let me know what you think and enjoy reading!
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Joanna didn't remember when or how she managed to get back to her apartment. Far too coughed up in the fact that Max had kicked her out, just like that. They were fighting, then kissing and before she knew it she was standing outside of his apartment, with her shirt and jacket in hand. For a moment she thought about knocking against Max's door until he would open just to demand an explanation but, in the end, she simply went home. When Max didn't want to see her, she had to accept that.
As soon as Joanna entered her own apartment, she left herself fall down onto her sofa, that she still had to clean the broken glass and frame away was a fact Joanna was reminded of as she stepped on some shards of glass which made terrible noises under her boots but to be true, she couldn't care any less.
She ignored his phone the entire day after that. Alain had already threatened to send some to check on her, but she didn't answer his threat. She knew they waited for her to confirm the council seats, but she couldn't care any less at the moment. Whenever the phone rang a feeling of nausea came over her. At first, it had only been Alain but then Nico and her father started to call as well.
Joanna got angry and grabbed her phone, ready to chuck it off the balcony. At the last moment, she decided against that and paced around his apartment for what felt like hours to figure out a different solution. In the end, the phone ended up in a box in one of her many cupboards.
Walking into the bathroom, Joanna was fast to find the bottles she was looking for. Fuck it, if he doesn't want her, what was the point in holding on?
Swallowing another six pills, the younger Ferrari driver waited a moment before they kicked in. Before she left the bathroom, only to steady herself with a hand against the wall.
Maybe she had underestimated the effect of the pills she had taken, but the sleeping medication had already lost enough effect that she woke up, so they shouldn't be a problem. The dizziness was probably a side effect of the strong antidepressants. Never before had Joanna worried about unwanted side effects. She hoped the dizziness would stop.
Her thoughts drifted off to the race she still had to compete in a few days. The last race of the year. It would be irresponsible to race despite feeling dizzy, but Joanna couldn't rule out doing it anyway. Who would stop her? Certainly not Ferrari. She had been their hero ever since she had won three races in a row in that stupid red tractor. Nobody at Ferrari cared that she was high as hell while doing so, although Joanna was sure they knew. It was hard not to notice the state the Austrian was in.
Making her way into the living room, Joanna took the already open bottle of red wine before sipping from it. Pressing a hand against her fast-beating heart, she tried to get up again. Her brittle heart was not beating like Joanna was sued to. It felt cold and shattered, with every heartbeat creating more cracks around the cuts. Such a traitor.
Her skin was itching, but she ignored it. She had places to be, no time to be weak. She had a job to do. PR work, if she remembered correctly, or was it a meeting with the team?
Joanna steeled herself, so the world couldn't harm her any longer. It may be lonely, but in that case, the only one with the power to destruct her was her and her alone. Joanna liked that feeling. She felt free, despite knowing she was only one overdose away from joining Jules.
Stumbling over her own feet, Joanna ended up on the fluffy living room rug. Cursing the world for spinning that fast, before she fell asleep. The only thought she had was that the fucking red wine would make stains on her white rug. This was going to look like a fucking crime scene.
The first moment as she woke up again, Joanna couldn't say exactly what the cause was for her to wake up, but the morning light was already back in her apartment and for a second, the Austrian was afraid it might be her father, but of course, it wasn't. Joanna had to laugh at herself for that silly thought.
Niki had no reason to be here anyway. He was probably delighted to finally have free reign. What a burden she must've been all these years, a child he never wanted, a bastard, finally off his shoulders now.
"What on earth happened? Have you hurt yourself?" Max sounded worried and also angry, but Joanna couldn't put her finger on the reason why he was here in the first place, so she decided to ignore the question. It would be really awkward if she was just imagining the Dutchman in front of her.
Joanna sat up as slowly as humanly possible. Her head was willing her before, pushing herself up and clumsy climbing onto the couch, trying to fall back asleep. While Max came over to her as fast as he could, his body wasn't even near to being healed just yet.
"Hey, no," Max told her as Joanna buried her head under one of the pillows. Sitting down next to her and taking the soft cushion away caused Joanna to hiss at him like a pissed-off cat, but Max was still there and he wouldn't allow her to fall asleep again without speaking to him. Joanna felt his hand on her face after she had turned around to lay on her back.
"Look at me for a second." He told her, but Joanna couldn't focus. Everything was foggy.
"I'm fine," Joanna grumbled, swatting at Max's hand to get him to let go of her.
"Just coming down." When she finally opened her eyes, she could see Max's shocked look. Joanna wasn't sure she'd ever seen the Dutchman look this insecure before.
"What have you taken?" Max wanted to know the urgency of his voice hurting her head.
"You deserve some space from me," Joanna muttered as she lifted her right hand to her face and stroked her cheek in a self-soothing manner.
"You deserve safety. You deserve good people." At that, her throat started constricting again. The words were not so easy to get out now. Oh, how badly she wanted to be good enough to have good people in her life. To love Max, but the Dutchman had been right, she wasn't a safe option, she wasn't good enough to be with Max and that would never change.
"You deserve so much better than me. I don't deserve you." It shouldn't surprise her anymore, but when a tear rolled down her cheek into her neck, she got really annoyed. Angrily rubbing at her eyes, Joanna felt as Max's hand closed over hers, pulling her hand towards him.
"I don't deserve any of it."
"J, you really need to tell me what you took. You're scaring me." Joanna didn't dare look at Max's face. That would surely make her cry more.
"It doesn't matter. You don't have to bother with me, Max. You can just go home."
"Is that what you want?" Joanna kept looking at their joined hands.
Max took Joanna's face in his hands and forced her to look up. When she did, Joanna was surprised to see Max's glossy eyes look so heartbroken.
"J, I want to help you, okay? But I can't help you when you don't let me. Please, look at me. For better or worse, do you remember? Let me help you."
"But you kicked me out." She got her face out of Max's grip and got up off the couch, or she tried. She felt nauseous as soon as she sat up and as soon as her feet touch the floor, the rest of her body almost did as well.
The only thing between Joanna and the floor was Max, who had slid down from the couch just in time, so Joanna ended up in his lap. He groaned shortly at the weight, even though Joanna was so light, normally Max could throw her around like a wreak doll.
"J," Max signed. "I should have never done that. That's why I'm here. I want to talk."
"I hurt you." It was barely audible. "I left you. Just like my mum left me."
"That's another thing I regret saying. I was angry and yeah I was hurt but that doesn't mean kicking you out was okay. I should have talked to you like an adult." Max desperately tried to explain while he held Joanna's limp body in his arms, doing his best not to cry. It would only freak her out.
"No. You were right. I'm just like her." Joanna said, but it didn't feel like she was talking with Max.
"Please don't say that." She was so out of it, it scared Max. Maybe he was wasting precious time, but he had no idea. All he could do was holding her in his arms and pray it was enough for now.
"It's going to be alright, J. I'm going to help you. I promise." Max swore, watching in panic as Joanna closed her eyes.
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Alain knew that something was wrong. Joanna normally always answered her phone. the lastest after the third ring, but now she answered nothing. No calls, no text messages. Alain was thinking about flying over to Monaco himself, but he couldn't. He was the FIA president. But pacing around his office wasn't helping either.
"Has the girl already decided who gets her other four seats?" Nelson Piquet wanted to know as he walked into the office after knocking onto the glass door lightly.
"Not yet. What about my choices?" Alain wanted to know before he turned around to face the Brasilian. There was no way he would tell Nelson about his worries. the Austrian was his worry and his worry alone. None of the other council members could ever learn about the radio silence that existed between them.
"Mika said that we're a bunch of crazy bastards and that he would come over tomorrow morning and Damon said he would consider it. Which means he's on board. Will just play hard to get for a few more days."
"That's good news," Alain noted which was as much as a good work Nelson would ever get from the Frenchman, but he knew that.
"Yeah." The Brasilian replied, before making a seat Alain never offered. "I've been thinking. There are two Lauda and two Rosberg, why shouldn't we get out kids involved as well? My daughter has a good business sense and my son raced in F1 himself."
"The seats are Joanna's to assign. And as far as I know, she dislikes your daughter." Alain told Nelson, honestly. Joanna had never said what exactly had happened between Kelly and her, but there was surely no friendship there. Not even mutual respect.
"A small quarrel between children." Nelson tried to brush it off, but Alain knew that his goddaughter was one to hold a grudge. And if the two years older had thrown a ball at her as they were children, the Austrian wouldn't forget that, but knowing the Joanna and Kelly the Frenchman was sure it was something else. Most likely a man.
"Is that how Joanna sees it?" Prost questioned, causing Piquet to frown, before getting up and leaving the office without another word.
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It wasn't the gentle sea breeze, the birds, or the sunlight shining through the half-open curtains that woke Joanna. It was nausea that made her fall out of bed more than actually climb out before she rushed into the bathroom and threw up.
The world all around her was spinning, the dizziness and the awful headage torture her, causing the Austrian to rest her cheek against her arm which was resting on the toilet bowl. She wanted to get up, back to bed, but her limps weren't listening. Not following her commandos.
Her lungs screamed for air, while she breathed heavily through her nose. As soon as she was sure that she had emptied her stomach fully, she leaned back against the cold tides behind her. Her eyes closed and all her concentration on breathing threw it all.
Joanna's head was spinning but she was used to that. Dizziness and nausea were one of her most loyal companions. Slowly opening her eyes, her gaze landed on Max, who was standing in the door frame looking down at her with a strange expression, which caused her to close her stormy grey eyes again, before allowing her head to roll to the left. So at least she didn't have to look at Max anymore.
"Are you feeling better?" Max asked her and in the first moment she thought he was mocking her, but his expression told her that he wasn't. Not at all. Max seemed worried. An expression she hated to see on his face. He was far too young to worry as much as he did.
"In a moment," Joanna answered before she got up from the floor with shaking legs. Her hands were fast to reach for the sink to steady her before she rinsed her mouth. The taste of bile was terrible, even though most of what she had spewed out was clear liquid.
Joanna wiped her mouth, uncoordinated as if her extremities were still not properly hers before she opened the cupboard which was hidden behind the mirror. The mirror she did not dare to peer into. the bottle of pills was on the ground shelf, now that Max wasn't living with her any longer. The oxycodone was the first thing she could grasp. Unscrewing the lit, Joanna felt Max's presence behind her, his hands were holding her wrists in each and his chest pressed against her back.
"J, come on. You know that I can't let you do that." Max whispered next to her ear, which caused Joanna to huff in annoyance. She was the adult between the two of them, how dare he tell her what to do.
"You're not going to stop me, Max," Joanna answered, her voice scornful, but she allowed Max to take the bottle of pills before turning to look at him. Her hands were both propped up on the sink.
"What? Did you think you only had to ask nicely and I would do whatever you want? Please get over yourself." She challenged, before rolling her eyes as Max didn't answer fast enough.
Remembering that another bottle was stored away in her jacket, Joanna pushed past Max, to get to her wardrobe. Still, in only her underwear and a white oversize T-shirt, Joanna padded through the living room, until she froze.
Looking to her left, sitting on the couch was none other than Daniel Ricciardo, Lewis Hamilton with a cast on his leg, and her father.
"You must be fucking kidding me. Really?" Joanna exclaimed, totally unhappy with the situation as Max came from the bedroom.
"We are here because we love you and care about you." The Brit said, about to get up before he realized that he had a cast on his leg, which is why he turned around and preferred to just smile at her.
"Speak for yourself," Daniel muttered grimly under his breath, which made Joanna look at him. He looked angry, his arms crossed in front of his chest, before adding. "I'm fucking furious with her! How could you be so stupid?"
"You of all people don't get to judge me! You're the definition of stupid, Daniel Ricciardo." She said, so angry but also so unbothered that Daniel wanted to strangle her. How on earth could she be so careless with her own life, haven't they already lost enough. Jules was dead and now Joanna was on the best way to join him, and Daniel, he hadn't even noticed that she was behaving strangely.
"I don't get it! How can you be so carefree with your life after all we have been through?" Daniel screamed at her angrily. His fingers buried in his hair, while Joanna watched him from under her long lashes. The others watched them both with a worried expression as Daniel got up from the couch, stepping closer to Joanna.
"You don't understand, and I can't explain." Joanna retorted, which caused Daniel to snap. He fisted his hand in Joanna's shirt before pulling her upwards, so only her tiptoes were on the floor. Max was fast to react, he wanted to separate the two of them, but Joanna laid her hand on his arm to stop him. She wanted Daniel to have this moment.
She wanted him to give her the fault of her death, not himself. This wasn't about him. Maybe for the first time in her life, Joanna did something not because of someone else, but because of herself. She did it because it felt good. Because she felt closer to Jules that way. The only friend who seemed to remain.
"Go on." She dared him, which caused Daniel to let out an angry snarl, before letting go of Joanna and pushing her back, resulting in Joanna stumbling against Max's chest, which caused the Dutchman to hiss in pain as Joanna's elbow collided with his stomach.
In an instant, all eyes were on the Dutchman. Joanna held him up at his arm and helped him to sit down, before turning around with an angry look facing a guilty Daniel. He never wanted to hurt Max.
"That's exactly why Jules didn't say goodbye to you," Joanna told Daniel, the anger clear visible, which caused the Aussie to sharply look at her as if she had just slapped him.
"What did you just say?" He wanted to know, getting into her face again, while Max and Lewis shared a worried look, both of them couldn't really get involved, their calls to calm down were ignored, while Niki didn't seem bothered at all. He simply watched his daughter lashing out at the people she loved most, before getting his phone and starting to text someone.
"Jules told me! He said goodbye and asked me to look after you dickhead." Joanna screamed at Daniel angrily, which caused Daniel to freeze.
"What are you on about. It was an accident." He asked. Nothing about his voice was angry any longer. Daniel seemed lost, but Joanna's anger was unbroken.
"God, how are you so naive? He killed himself! It was suicide, Daniel." Her words aimed to hurt and hurt they did.
"You're lying." Daniel accused. That was the only explanation he could come up with. Joanna lied to him so Jules would be the main topic and not her drug problem.
"Why would I be lying? He told me to tell you he loved you and that you wouldn't understand but he had to do it!"
"You knew that he was about to kill himself, and you did nothing? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Get over it, Daniel. He would have stayed would he really have loved you." Joanna had crossed her arms in front of her chest, an annoyed look on her face while Daniel let himself fall down on the couch next to Lewis, starring into empty space. Silent tears making their way down his cheeks while Daniel had folded his hands in front of his face.
"Joanna!" Lewis had exclaimed. He and Max had tried to stop the two of them from fighting but nothing had helped. It was as if the only ones present in the room were the Aussie and the Austrian.
"What?" The younger Ferrari driver asked unimpressed. "Since when don't you love a little bit of drama, Lewis? You want Nico so damn much but you will never have a happy ever after with him. You're not enough. You're just someone he likes to fuck, an option, an almost. But never enough. He never loved you." She added, which made Lewis uncomfortable, but he kept his cool. He knew that Joanna only wanted to hurt them. It's not what she really thought. It's the drugs talking.
"You're afraid and that's why you're lashing out. Nothing of what you just said was the truth. Not about me and Nico and not about Daniel and Jules. You aim to hurt and after hurting for so many years you're good at that." Lewis' calming manner was driving Joanna crazy. She didn't want to hear all that. She didn't want him to explain matter-of-factly what she was doing. She wanted them to know what pain really felt like. She wanted them to hurt as well.
Lewis watched her for a few moments until he saw the first crack in the thick walls which were guiding her heart. So he went on. Just a little bit more.
"You're throwing that at me because that's your biggest fear, isn't it Joanna. You fear that you're unlovable, but you're not. Despite everything, we love you. I and Dan, Nico, Jenson, Niki, Alain, Seb and most of all Max. You are loved." Lewis explained to her. The tears which were streaming over Joanna's cheeks told him that he was making progress. Maybe they still could help her come back.
"Stop!" She pleaded as her legs gave in under her and she hid her head between her arms. Hysterically crying. Max watched with worry, but he didn't move. He was afraid that Joanna would withdraw again, should something pul her out of the thoughts Lewis had pushed her in.
"Let us help you!" Lewis pleaded with her, but as soon as he touched her shoulder, the tears were gone and she looked at him before laughing.
"You what to help me? You can't even help yourself. You will be never more than Nico's dirty little whore." Joanna told him, before turning around to face Max. The love of her life, but he had to understand that looking after her, loving her was rotten work and he couldn't keep doing that. She needed to free him from her.
"And you." She started which caused Max to look up at her, ready to take whatever she had to say and Joanna knew that she could say a lot of hurtful things, and Max would still forgive her. But there was one topic. One thing she could say and he would never forgive her for that.
"You're just like your father." She said, which caused Max's expression to change. The hurt overtaking the determination in his eyes.
"Your greatest fear has long been reality. You hate that you can't control me and now you try to send me away. To isolate me, so you're the only one I have. Just like he did with your mother and the many women after her." The Austrian yelled at him, but suddenly it was quiet after the sound of a heavy slap. All of them stared at Niki with surprise. Nobody had thought that it would be him, who finally snapped.
"You behave like an animal in a cage, lashing out to the only people, who care about you. That's beneath you. You can stop this ridiculous game. I don't care if you want to go to rehab, I'm sending you there anyway!" He said calmly. Niki Lauda knew his daughter and he knew when enough was enough.
"That's your solution to everything. Oh, send the girl away, it will do her good. Spoiler alert, every time you send me away it got worse and that's your fault." Joanna spat at him while holding her red cheek.
"You're leaving for rehab today or I'm freezing all your bank accounts." Niki threatened her which caused Joanna to laugh. It was an empty threat, she knew that. She was the only one, who had control over her finances.
"Why do you even care?!" Joanna screamed back, so loud her voice was about to give out at the end of the sentence.
"Because I don't want you to end up like your mother!" Niki shouted. "She died. The first battle you ever had to fight was against the drugs that were in your body because of her. And maybe I should have told you sooner, taken better care of you, but what done is done. Sending you away now is to save your life." He added a little bit calmer, which caused Joanna to sink down onto the fluffy living room rug again.
"You never told me. That's why I'm like this? It's not my fault?" She whispered to herself, while Max got up from his seat with only little difficulty this time and sat down on the floor next to her.
He gazed at her, the way she had slung her arms around her torso while kneeling on the floor, tears were no unstoppable running down her cheeks. Reaching out, Max pulled her against his side, which caused Joanna to rest her head against his chest. Crying softly. "I need help."
"I know," He muttered into her hair. "It's not going to be fun, but you will feel better. I promise. You will do so much better after."